difficult child and girlfriend

[Kjs]

Ok, difficult child has had "girlfriends" in the past. They talk on the phone and pass notes in school. That was the extent.

OK, difficult child has had a "girlfriend" for the past several months. She sends him text messages all day long, all night long. difficult child told me her brother is in Iraq, and she gets up very early so she can talk to him(email) each day. Thus being awake at 3am continues to txt difficult child.

He has been going over to her house after school several days a week. Constantly either on the phone or texting. Her parents are divorced. Her fathers house, well let's just say my house can fit in his garage..
Mothers house isn't quite as large but atleast 2.5x's bigger than mine.

When at fathers house the first time difficult child was introduced. Father talked to him and walked him to the stairway. Told him that is the line. "don't you ever let me catch you past that line". (difficult child was nervous...lol)

difficult child goes to girlfriend's house after school last week. (mom's) When he gets home I notice a mark on his neck and asked him about it. He said when he was tying his shoe the dog jumped up and scratched him. I let it go. Then I was thinking about that and took another look. I told him that is NOT a scratch. He admits it is a hickey. I am flipping out. He is 13. (she is 14) And he is a NEW 13 year old. He is a small kid, she is bigger than he is. He writes things like "I love you". Although I like the girl, I don't like what is going on. I look at his phone and there is a picture of the two kissing. Not just a peck on the lips kissing either. I am upset, talk to husband...he just laughs and thinks it is cute.

I didn't let him sleep at a friends house because I was afraid he would sneak and go to her house.

Am I over-reacting?

 

[BusynMember]

I don't think that this is so unusual, but I'd cut it now. He's too young for that, in my opinion. Obviously, nobody is supervising.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

KJs, I know he has a lot of free time due to your job. I too would limit his time with this girl. I would also limit his texting. you have a right to do that. Just because she is up at 3AM, does not mean that your son needs to be up getting texts from her at 3AM.

If necessary, lock up his phone during night time hours.

And your husband is a chooch. If this was his daughter, he's be having a stroke.

 

[meowbunny]

I'm in the camp of it's part of the age thing. Hickeys are "cool," let you brag you're attached. Ditto the phone picture. Sometimes it's nothing more than that, but it does need to be watched and curtailed at least somewhat. I am the parent of a girl and she did come home with a hickey at 13. I wasn't thrilled to see it, but I wasn't overly concerned, either. We had a long talk about what was safe and what wasn't. I also made her wear a turtleneck (which she loathes) until it had totally disappeared. Kinda took the fun out of showing it off. The next time she had a hickey, she was 19 -- I was much more concerned about that one because it wasn't quite as innocent as the first.

Are they unsupervised at the girl's house? If so, then he should be prohibited from going there when no adults are present. If not, then I would be a little less worried. It does help to know that her dad is at least somewhat aware of the dangers of young love. You might try having a talk with the father and letting him know how far things are going so he can police a little better. Hopefully, he'll be one of those parents who puts the responsibility on both kids, not just the boy.

Good luck to you on his journey into teenhood. It ain't always fun and it sure as heck isn't easy.

 

[dcwsaranac]

I like the idea of talking to the girl's dad.

Kids are going to start developing relationships at that age. Lust is going to be a problem. Dealing with the hormones is going to be a challenge.

Sounds like dad is well aware of the risks and is drawing a firm line. Perhaps he can provide some insight as to what he see's in the relationship and how his ex is handling it.

Time for a(nother) sex talk with your son? An open discussion about discovering one's sexuality (as he has clearly demonstrated with the hickey) might do a world of good.

A thought here: If she laid the hickey on him, she may well be the sexual aggressor. Boys are weak (I know, I am one). If she gets his hormones worked up, he's very likely going to do something that everyone may regret later.

Talk to him, fortify him, let him know that he can (and should) set a personal limit that respects himself, his girlfriend, and your family values.
I speak from personal experience, and wish my parents had had that talk with me.

 

[Kjs]

I know they are supervised, obviously not as much as they should be. I know he is not allowed there on some days when mom is working late, or running errands.

We do talk often. He is such a little 8th grader. Hard for me to see him even hugging someone. I am afaid of his reaction to hormones, love, breakups. He takes everything so hard.

on the other hand - he is currently not speaking to girlfriend. He is angry. All he will tell me is that she said something to difficult child's friend that she shouldn't of. Not about anyone else, about herself. I don't get it.

His phone messages, prior to him shutting off his phone, said, "I'm sorry", "what can I do", and over and over nonstop. I did talk to difficult child. He of all people should know how it feels. I have no idea what she said, but tried to talk to difficult child about how everyone says things they regret. It is alright for him to let her know he is angry, and hurt if that is the case. However he needs to not be angry a long time. She said she is sorry, she knows he is angry. Move on. Anger was his biggest problem at one time. i don't want it to return in any form. And, when a girl, be it her or another break up with him...I am really afraid of his reaction then.

easy child just breezed through his teen years unnoticed. didn't seem to be any issues with him, but difficult child was born when easy child was 12. We had problems with difficult child since day one.

easy child always seems to be on the "dumped" side of a relationship. Hurts to see him hurt.
Don't want to even think of difficult child in that situation.

 

[BusynMember]

I would talk to the parents and make it clear that if he is there, he isn't to go in her room or ANY room where Mom or Dad aren't steps away. That was always the rule in our home.

 

[mom23gsfg]

just a little friendly warning .... children do look at themselves as older than they actually are ...just look around the girls and boys look like they are 18 when they are only 12 or 13 . and far more developed. when i think back on my own childhood when i look at these kids it scares me because i know all too well what can happen.... i was having sex at 13 and ended up pregnant at 14 ...i thought i was a woman .. i look at the pics i have and im shocked i was pretty much still a baby myself....
and though most parents are in the dark about this kids are having sex at ages even at the tender age of 11 at school and ect....Ive heard my daughters' friends talking and most of these girls and boys are even talking about babies!and marraige! i went to pick up stephanie at school the other day for a doctor app. and i was shocked at the girls that where also pregnant. i was even more shocked when one girl looked at me and said" i was trying to get pregnant but me and the guy i was planning with broke up."i guess she thought i was cool because i look pretty young .. so i looked at her and said" first you need to finish school and maybe some college and get a house with a good job, whatever youre feeling right now i know its probly not good about yourself but a baby makes things harder ..dont look at a baby for someone to love you, love yourself. whatever problems you are having ,you can make them better . its not fair to you or a baby to bring them in this world when youre not ready. make something of yourself first. and have a childhood . " i also told her i was helping stephanie but, she was still going to have it rough with help..... later when i was talking to stephanie about it i found out this girl was in the childrens home and just wanted a way out.

most kids have sex because of two reasons # 1 because everyone else is doing it and they are pressured into it # 2 because to replace the family they dont have ...which is what most likely is going on with this girl.
and i guess theres still the biggest reason... because their horemones are raging!
and most parents wouldnt agree with me ..but a hickey is one of the first warning signs. so id atleast give him a good talk and some protection (just in case ...because when did our children ever listen to our warnings anyways?)

 

[Wiped Out]

Kjs,
I like MB's advice. Hugs to you-the teen years are so hard-and that's with my easy child (although I sometimes think she's a difficult child).

 

[4sumrzn]

Well.....I can only relate to this because of my easy child, he's 13. The boy has become a "girl magnet" this year. The phone, notes, talking with friends about "going out/dating", the texting NON-STOP, pictures of the "girlfriend" on his phone (all cute, but still). Valentine's day was a shock to me.....don't remember ever giving "a boy" stuffed animals, a tie & a lovey dovey hand written card! BUT........I also was bouncing out of a private school & was scared to death of the new school coming up (by the way, I wasn't an angel.....but pretty chicken of most advances boys made). Anyway, I freaked the night I took easy child's phone early as a punishment for his tone with me. husband wasn't too pleased that I was snooping on his phone a few hours later. The contract I wrote for him says I can take it whenever I want to, but doesn't say I can snoop. He is correct, I was wrong there.....I did it though. I guess they were just getting "back together" after a break up........she was saying how she loves him so much, can't live a day without him, can't imagine not being with him forever.......WHAT????? The child even cries over girls....UGH. Hmmmmmm........13............guess that's my answer now. Hormones. Not quite sure that's what I was doing then.....times have changed. I will say.....I am the Mom that doesn't let him do what his friends get to do, he doesn't get to Hang out with the girls unless it's at a school event or a supervised gathering. Probably makes me "too strict". His phone is out of his room by 9:30 or it's mine, even though he pays for a part of it (in the contract). Also, our house is so small (you made comment about big houses being visited)...you could pretty much hear a pin drop as long as difficult child was sleeping.....no funny business in our house! LOL! Actually, we rarely have any company anyway because of her. On the other hand.......I have 5 younger brothers & sisters....big house growing up, more room to "play". I know they were doing that with their friends & my parents were there....2 ended up with kids at 15 & 16.

You have a very serious concern & the others have given great advice. Mine would be.....if you are upset/concerned, you should make sure you draw the line on what you believe is the limit. It's hard, they may get upset.......but, down the road they will understand & you feel better along the way for enforcing what you want. I understand it doesn't go smoothly like that...can't just make it happen, but you have to try if you are worried about it.

by the way....I had to ask husband what he would respond to on a topic like this. HA...he said, "uhhh....you need to ask the other men what they were doing at that age, I know what I was doing".

 

[daralex]

The teen years are becoming the death of me!!! I so feel for you!!! It may sound silly, but my thoughts are always go with your gut. If something isn't feeling right there's a reason. I read that they are on the outs at the moment, but that doesn't mean it won't start up again. We all needed to go through our own experiences. But at this age parents need to do all they possibly can to make sure difficult child's are not being left in situations that could be potentially detrimental. It's such a fine line to walk - but that's why I say go with your gut. My feeling is that if you posted this it must be getting under your skin - if they continue contact I would try to limit their relationship on some level. It's never easy - four more years is going to kill me, I hope you fair better! Good luck! and sending ((HUGS))

 

[susiestar]

I think talking with the girl's parents, making sure they are vigilant, and talking to your son are crucial. I would also give him condoms, but that is my style. I don't think you can stop them from having sex, only influence their decisions. By providing condoms and a lecture/discussion (whatever works best for you and your child), you are teaching him to care for himself and the girl. Kids as young as 11 have caught serious STDs here. Many don't find out until much later.

Now the STD's are different from what we were taught. They aren't visible mostly. So where we often got the advice to look for bumps, lumps and anything funny looking, any drainage, etc... NOW even that is no proof that they do or do not have an STD.

Good luck with this.

Susie

 

[CAT]

Just a warning check your state regarding age of consent. my difficult child is being charge for battery for sexual horseplay even after girl admitted she willing participated. were talking gropping but in this state if the girl is under 18 & police catch you making out the boy can be charged. Check out 20/20 clips on age of consent.

 

[Kjs]

difficult child IS talking with girlfriend again. He is little. Hasn't hit the growth spurt like most others in 8th grade. He is very little actually. As far as condoms...Don't think they make them that small. Lol. He is smaller than most of the 6th graders at the school.

We did have a long talk. It was a good talk. I also explained to him, even if she is the aggressive one, if he leaves so much as a mark on her it will be all his fault.
(He is used to being blamed for everything in school whether he did it or not) I explained this is NOT the same. He is the boy. He will get blamed.
He told me girlfriend's mom loves him. I again explained, if she so much as has a mark, mom will no longer even like him. We talked about responsibility and respect. And being able to say no. We do talk often, he hears it often. whether he accepts it and acts on it will be up to him.
easy child just breezed through the teen years. No issues I was aware of. Ofcourse, difficult child was born when easy child was 12. Maybe I missed it.

 

[dirobb]

ahh love.....my difficult child 16sd is borderline so it is always DRAMA. Each new guy is the greatest, but I dont like him that way. Yet she wants to call hime nonstop. She cant wait for anyone to call her. This is the part of her that make me so sad. The desperation. I would hope that it would get better, but it seems to be getting worse. We don't let her be unsupervised. She has gone to the movies with easy child and a boy. Given her past we have to be very cautious. She hates it. OH WELL.
Isn't it funny how you can raise your easy child children an everything just seems to fall into place (not problem free, just different) then along comes difficult child and it's a whole different animal. It makes you question everything. I agree with following your gut. I find that if it doesn't feel/sound right then it probably isn't.

 

[galadriel]

I would add that with two 16 year olds, and my name on the cel phone contract, there is no expectation of privacy as to text messages! We had to cut off the texting as they were using it to set up marijuana purchases. Or at least that's how I interpreted the messages based on my Googling of the slang being used!

They haven't started dating although the Internet access was being used to check out porn sites for a while. We asked them to stop and they did. Of course, they could be seeing girls and after all we've been through in the past year esp with the one son, we'd be stupid to think they have no experience. I work in child support collection so they have had the lectures about NY being a "support 'til age 21" state.

It does sound like you have things well monitored and have a good rapport with your son.