difficult child and his negative persistance ....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by shellyd67, Sep 29, 2010.

  1. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Ever since I can remember, difficult child has become fascinated with some kind or toy or video and just becomes a lunatic about wanting husband and I to buy it for him. Most times it is a new toy a friend or neighbor has. We have tried to explain that he needs to earn the money to make the purchase but he is not having that ! He reminds me of the little girl from Willy Wonka ... I think her name was Veruka " I want it Daddy and I want it NOW !" He is fixated on a nerf toy right now and drove husband nuts about it last night ! His schooching (as we call it) has gotten somewhat better over the years but geeze louise ....
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    It is the same here and whoa when we don't give in...if you find a solution, please share!
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    We get this too. For a while we would give in a little. Somewhat. But he had to choose.

    I think the classic example, was a time when we were on holiday. There are always certain characteristics about toys or other objects that attract difficult child 3. Puzzles, video games, objects which fall or can be shot out of a gun; lava lamps and other paperweight things with bubbles falling or rising - you get the idea. Every day while we were on holidays we got "I want, I want" and every shop we browsed in, we got tantrums on leaving if we hadn't bought him something.

    So we finally said to him, "We will buy ONE toy a day. One. Once we have bought the toy for that day, that is it. You have to choose."
    Of course there were still problems, difficult child 3 would get us to boy the toy for the day then see another he HAD to have in every other shop. But because we were staying in the same area, we were able to go back to shops the next day. difficult child 3 was learning to choose, which was the first step. After a two week holiday, we had accumulated a lot of stuff. Of, and generally they were family possessions and not difficult child 3's.

    Another thing we did was allow a certain amount of money per child, and they had to budget. difficult child 3 was still a bit too young to be able to do this, and his anxiety at possibly missing out on a toy would have him too frantic to think straight. So the first idea above, is what worked best for him at that stage. And it did NOT continue after we got home from holidays!

    The same anxiety of "What if it's sold by the time I have saved up my money?" was, interestingly, a problem for easy child. So we instituted "family shop". This meant that we would buy ONE toy per child, to put in our "family shop". Once that toy was bought, it meant it was safe form being sold out form under them. But they had to save up and redeem that toy from us first, before we would put another toy in the shop. The only exception was if there was a going out of business sale, or "We won't be stocking your favourite product any more" sale, as when the local store stopped stocking Sylvanian Families and easy child had been collecting them all. Which reminds me - she now has her own house, and we still have the dolls house with all the toys. Hmm...

    The family shop helped settle the "What if they sell it to someone else before I get back here with my saved up money?" but they would still want other stuff later, and have to have me say, "But you already have something waiting for you in the family shop." Having a toy waiting for them did help, but if tye said, "I don't want it any more," then we said, But you begged me to buy it. I spent money which is YOUR money, at YOUR request, and you have to pay me back so I can afford to buy the next toy on your behalf for the family shop." It as a hard but necessary lesson. But the anxiety was always reduced a little by the knowledge that I had something in reserve, even if it no longer seemed so attractive now it was 'safe'.

    Try a combination of these, whatever works. But with a difficult child especially one who has anxiety issues, you will probably find that the blanket "We won't buy it" risks not teaching them anything except how to covet, and how to become a hoarder.

  4. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    Same exact thing here. Right now he is fixated on "shock gum" - you know, trick gum that when you pull out a piece it gives you a shock! Not a good idea. Before that it was walkie talkies which we actually did buy so he could be in contact with us while out riding his bike. Before that it was a Wii - we bought that too because we felt bad for getting rid of the dog. He obsesses about something and then after he gets it, he moves on to something else. What is this??!
  5. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    I don't want difficult child to feel as though everytime he asks for something he is going to get it .... He usually gives up after a day or two of nagging but WOWSY is his nagging intense. I don't even think it is the toy so much as the impulse control that feeling of I HAVE TO GET IT NOW ! husband and I have much bigger fish to fry where difficult child and his issues are concerned. This is just a litle pet peeve of mine if you will.
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    It's definitely an impulse control issue. My difficult child 2 still gets stuck occasionally, but now he is old enough that when I point it out, he can see that he's being unreasonable and we can talk through it. But when he was younger and not well medicated there were some royal nuclear meltdowns over seemingly trivial stuff.
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You do what works. If standing your ground is working for you, then great. It did not work for us, it only seemed to make things worse. We gave way a little, so we didn't get constantly hounded and, over time, it has eased off to the point where he has taken over his own choices and purchases. No more nagging, and when he is broke, he has to wait. He's turned out to be really good at managing his purchases. He comparison-shops, he saves, he waits, he plans. Good stuff! he still buys too much junk, but he can't come close to buying it all!

  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sounds like my difficult child with lots of things including food:(
  9. Jules71

    Jules71 Warrior Mom since 2007

    So getting fixated on something and feeling like they HAVE to have it is poor impulse control? Does anyone have any techniques for getting the thoughts out of their mind? My goodness it is EXHAUSTING!
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I used to make a deal with Miss KT that when she saved half, I'd pay the other half. That worked very well for the big ticket items. For the less expensive things, we would discuss it when it went on sale.