difficult child and quitting her job - It was all a lie and I am boiling.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, Jul 9, 2012.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I m furious. I talked to DEX this morning. She quit weeks ago. She says she gave notice, but who knows.

    DEX knew and told her that, if she didn't tell me, he would.

    This is the part th at really gets to me. She told me she had to work the 4th of July. We were invited to my niece's, but she wouldn't have been able to get there. I told her "Hey, tha's ok. I'll make us a nice dinner." I make BBQ chicken (homemade sauce), grilled onions, potatoes and homemade garlic bread, fruit salad....she texts right about when she's supposed to be home: "I'm going to Kelly's (DEX's girlfriend) for dinner and on to the parade (DEX is in the parade). I decide not to text back about dinner - mainily because I knew she'd come homeall full of resentment and then go crying to them about how mean I am.

    She comes home that night and I'm watching a movie in the basement. She won't come near me, goes to bed (itis 9:30) and sleeps until 12:30 the next day.

    I confront her, first about the odd coming home behavior. I tell her it sure looks like she was high. OH< NO! Mom , I haven't smoked since blah blah. I am quitting. It's hard. I was depressed.

    I then state very calmly that she'd hurt me by not coming home and sending that text at the last minute. "OH No MAMMA!! I forgot!!!! I'm so so so so sorry." I state, again, it hurt and I would appreciate if you'd ask about plans, esp. since it was a holiday.

    She didn't even work that day! She'd quit. She spent the previous night at DEX's girlfriend's (She has a big fireworks party every year and I did expect this). Comes home and GETS WORK CLOTHES on the Fourth and disappears, sending that text and on an d on.

    I am fit to be tied. How can I continue to be so stupid?

  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, I don't think it's being stupid.........more along the lines of having to accept the fact that what a person says will be a lie if it suits them, whether it makes sense for them to do so or not. Certain people just do this. Since this is a pattern of hers, I'd just wait to believe anything she says until it's proven to be truth. She doesn't like it, tough noogies....stop lying then.

    I do this with Katie. Doesn't matter if she's lying to me for the sake of lying or if she's lying because somehow M has interfered with plans or whatever. It's still lying and makes it so you can't believe her until you can see where what she says is the truth. Stinks, but is natural consequences.

  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh Dash - I'm so sorry. I HATE that feeling of "being had"....it just steams me up!!
  4. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    It makes no sense at all. Especially that added hurt on the Fourth.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would be furious with dex and tell him from now on you guys need to keep each other informed on what's going on. I am almost angrier at dex than I am at difficult child right now. What will it take for him to wake up. And if difficult child is drinking or using drugs while she is with dex or his girlfriend and he allows this knowing her history he is really asking for trouble. They are going to enable her right into jail or her grave.

    I don't know what you do now dash but understand that everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie and she will say it with all sincerity to fool you. I can't tell you all the lies difficult child has told.me that sounded so much the truth that I found out later were lies. If their lips are moving the are lieing.

    I would be seriously thinking about having her go back to live with dex.

  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Just confronted her. Compleely unremorserful. When I ask why in the world she'd lied, pretending to go to work, etc....she said "Because this is what you do."

    My fault. Of course. I pointed out that I'd completely given her space to make her own choices when she came home with that big drama story on Friday, that I'd been commpassionate ...all the while being lied to.

    I pointed out that she told her dad the truth. "we have a different relationship." "He doesn't do what you do." OK.

    She then said "I just wish I were dead". Nice try. I stood up and got my keys and said "Well, then we need to go to ER." I said this calmly. She is not going to derail me like this. Of course, she was bluffing.

    She has a therapist appoint at 11:00.

    Thank God.

  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh boy they are twins. My difficult child tells me all the time she lies to me for the same reason. What they are really saying is that they want to do whatever they want with no consequences and anyone who tries to give them any or even attempt to get them to look at their behavior will just be lied to.

    Do us she and dad have such s different relationship why isn't she there?

  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I asked her that question. She repied "because you wanted me here." More blame. When I was brokenhearted because she moved in with dad her senior year, and told her so...she was cold as ice. "I do better with my dad." Does she seriously think I wanted the expense (no more child support), the worry, the headaches, the heartaches of her living with me NOW???

    She is at the therapist now (I hope ...she left with the check). My gues sis she'll pack up for the Ostrich farm tonight.

    My heart is hurting so much. I feel utterly used. Her stone cold F--U attitude this morning knocked the windo out of me.

    And the fact that DEX allowed this charade to go on (he knew what happebned on the 4th and how upset I was) only cements - in her mind - that this is perfectly ok.

  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you are at the place I was when I first met you for lunch and cried the entire time so I know how your heart is hurting. I finally had to come to the realization that the feelings I had for her were not reciprocated. It takes a while for that to stop hurting. At least I had easy child and,so for you I think it's worse.

    by the way Im glad you understand my typing.

  10. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    You're right. That is exactly where I am. I've been on and off crying all morning. She is a block of ice. She just left ""to apply for a job" then on to her boyfriend's apartment for a 7:00 party ( it is 2:00). She said she'll be back in the morning. So much for the painting andowrking around here... The leaving every day for work, textings, updates, just the sheer volume of the lies ...all the while havingher daddy in on it. I know it's a temporary hole that I'm in, but it sure feels terrible.

    ps. Trying to get onto a FA email discussion thread. I need strength.
  11. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I have been where you are with respect to the lies, cold as ice treatment, and blame. The major difference is that my husband was not in on it. I was betrayed by one person; it seems you were betrayed by two. This may sound like a platitude, but if we must suffer, better to suffer for trying to do good with a caring heart, than to suffer the consequences for dishonesty, stealing, disobedience, etc. It may look like she's fancy free, not a care in the world, but that's not the case by a long shot. The consequences may be down the road, but they're coming.

    That being said, there is no rule which says you have to be a fool or a doormat, disrespected and manipulated in your own home. I know it hurts on so many levels, and it makes no sense why a mom who cares so much would be dishonored, but you stand up for what you believe in, keep your integrity, and don't let it get you down for long. I've said this before - I had a dear friend who used to say, "All you can expect from a cow is a kick." It's not worth one more minute of regret. Have your cry today, but pick yourself up tomorrow and keep your faith. You're worth more than the treatment you've been getting. This too shall pass.
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, Dash, I am sorry that you are hurting. I think that lying is the worst thing that our difficult child's can do to us. It is such a kick in the gut when you feel like you have been played for a fool.

    We have all been there.


  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    So sorry. I know that it hurts, not just that they lie, but that we buy into the lies. Where is she living? Is she just coming and going as she pleases? If she thinks she's living at your house (it sounds like she's crashing at your house) it may be time to ask her to leave. She's 21, she can get a job, or let DEX take her in. I know that's not optimal, but she's taking advantage of your good nature. She's got to figure it out, one way or another. Perhaps if he has enough of her attitude and kicks her out, she'll realize that she's responsible for her own behavior and her own circumstances. If she gets her act together, you can always let her come back home. But at this point she's just using you and blaming you for her bad choices.
  14. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Yes, I am furious with DEX but there's no talking to him. Secrets are a big thing in his FOO and he has many truth issues himself.

    Wits, She lives iwth me. Moved in in April after living with boyfriend did notwork out. Took her in, let her slide on rent for a fwe months (she got tattoos and a nose piercing with her "savings"). Began a reduced rent on sliding scale (increase each month) to encourage herto save. Then she quits her job and lies about it, living here and going off to work each day to have fun with the boyfriend.

    We have a agreement with a two night overnight limit. She says it's the resonsbile thing with drinking and driving and I did allow that. Still, she has managed to stretch it to include spending the nght at DEX's or his girlfriend's,claiming they're "family" so it doesn't count. It doens't help that DEX and girlfriend think I'm ridiculous for imposing such restraints on an "adult". This charade about the job may be the thing that breaks the came's back.

    Tonight is one of her "nights" ...she left at 2:00 whih I think is stretching it a bit ..esp since today was the first day that I knew she was unemployed and she was to be working around here. She went to the therapist, then applied for a job and was off.

    When she comes home tomorrrow, I'm most likely (hope I stay strong on this) going to sit her down and tell her this breach of trust is too much. Since I cannot trust her, she will have to make other permanent living arrangments until she can prove trustworthy. Words will not be enough for this.

    And yes, CJane, I'm allowing myself a weepy wallow night. Tomorow is a new day and I'll be back to my strong, warrior self.

    Thanks all. I cn tell lying is a huge trigger in this forum. We've all been hurt by it.

    Last edited: Jul 10, 2012
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dash you know you arent going to like my answer. She is 21. Why not try treating her as a roommate. She is old enough at this point for anything that you did as a mother to have already sunk in and its in there somewhere. When she is ready to use those skills, she will have them and use them. Right now she is acting like tons of 21 year olds all over the country...or maybe all kids 18 to 21 who head off to college straight from HS.

    You could set up some basic roommate rules about things you would expect of a roommate in your home such as no drugs in your home, no overnight guests, no loud music, clean up after herself in the kitchen, rent paid every week on such and such a day, use of car if you wish, laundry use if applicable, etc. Im not even sure I would get into any sort of curfew unless you want to say that she has a key to a door far from your bedroom so as not to wake you up. If not, then I would say something to the effect of the doors to your house are locked at midnight so you can get to sleep and she can find somewhere else to sleep on those nights.

    Time to just cut the apron strings. If you simply cannot do this then its time to help her move out into a place of her own. A cheap apartment or maybe a boarding house. Someplace you dont have to watch her comings and goings. She is old enough you dont need to worry about what she does 24/7. Its not good for you.
  16. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    You are very right that anything I taught her as a mom should be there somewhere.

    However, I can't justmake the leap to the roommate zone right now. For one thing, a roommae would be expected to pay rent. My difficult child just quit her job (two weeks ago) and has no money.

    If I were running a boarding house, I would expect honesty from anyone who filled out an application. Employemnt - or lack of it - would be a dealbreaker.

    Now, as a mother, I would not kick my child out if she lost a job and was down on her luck. This is not the case here.

  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Stay strong, Dash. You're right that she's not a roommate, and that she's not a child. You're right that she didn't "lose" her job, she quit it. In hindsight, letting her slide on rent because she blew her money on something else (tattoos, etc.) probably wasn't the best idea, and may have led to her thinking that no job was "ok". As they say, "A lesson lived is a lesson learned." That's your free pass.

    I don't think I would give any nights away from home because she's too drunk to drive. If she were my roommate or daughter or spouse and drinking, she needs to be responsible enough to stop drinking early enough to drive home. Only a problem drinker can't do that. I suspect that your DEX is letting her drink (or worse) and that's why she's crashing with him on a regular basis. But, if there were "nights out", I'd probably ok two a night with her dad, so long as you and her dad can talk honestly with each other about concerns and that these talks don't turn into him tattling to her about your concerns. From the outsifde looking in, it seems that she comes to your house after days of partying to CRASH and get food and laundry because you don't offer her a high, and that's why she doesn't stay. I hope that before you talk to her that you will consider this point of view.

    I think that deep down you know that she has to leave because she is not a part of your household, she's just abusing your good nature. The truth is that the only question is how bad are you going to let your relationship with her get before you ask her to leave?
  18. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh I couldn't agree more! That girl is taking advantage of you in every possible way...

    and then to tell you she had to lie because of how YOU are??? Ugh! Very hurtful.
  19. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    You've definately given me food for thought, Witz. She really is using her home as a crash pad and that is not going to be allowed to continue. I am rough-sanding my rhino skin for her return and the subesequent conversation.

    Just to clairify, though...I let her slide on the rent when she first moved back home because she was still in the lease with boyfriend. I told her she could slide for a while (intentionally did not specify how long) so she could save to get back on her feet. As soon as the tattoos and piercings appeared, she was charged rent. I told her that I'd given her a chance to save and had she done so,I would have helped her longer. I won't fall for that one again.
  20. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sadly I think she's taking advantage of the breaks you're giving her. I don't think she appreciates them, and I don't think she's going to change as long as she doesn't "have to." It sounds like letting her slide isn't doing her any favors :( I'm sorry, I know how much it hurts.

    As I've said before, I've become pretty numb to lying. It's just a fact of life with Oldest. I'm a total skeptic when it comes to any story she tells me, especially regarding employment or rent issues. I can't tell you how I finally got to this point, I guess it was a gradual process. I still vent about it to close friends when it happens, but it's in more of you "can you believe this crazy stuff?" way than an angry way. It's sad that you have to become that jaded about our own child.. but.. it's a survival tactic for me. It was either that, or give myself a stroke over it.

    Hugs. I hope you can find a resolution soon. Take care of you.