difficult child and the upcoming wedding

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Nomad, Nov 1, 2011.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Up for discussion among the men in my household is that difficult child was not invited to an important wedding coming up soon.
    It's concerning me, but for whatever reason (not entirely sure yet), not as much as husband and my son.

    Some background: difficult child did not go to our son's wedding about two years ago. That caused TREMENDOUS family upset. We are a tiny family, we did everything in our power to accommodate her and it just about ripped my guts out. Family photos were particularly upsetting. There were no grandparents (three deceased and the other estranged) and few other relatives as husband and I are only children and my closest relative, a cousin, had just passed away and her family was still in mourning and did not come.

    difficult child did nothing but cause confusion/chaos and at the last minute chose not to attend and then of course right after the wedding regretted it and tried to get us to help her get to the wedding location (out of town) afterwards.

    We have very close family friends who have become surrogate family to us. We've known them for perhaps two decades. They have been with us through all ups and downs. They were at son's wedding and sat at the "family" table. They filled in for any and all special needs.

    Flash forward....

    One of those children, is getting married. It is the older daughter. difficult child was very friendly with her younger sister (and still is generally). Years ago, she was kinda friendly with the older daughter (the one getting married...I'll call her N.) I have suspected that N. has been quietly noticing all of difficult children antics over the last few years and does not approve.

    Stress has been over the top of late for this lovely family and money a bit tight etc. and perhaps at least partly because of that, she (difficult child) was not invited to N.'s wedding. However, husband and I were, our son and his wife were, etc. difficult child is the only person from our immediate family not invited and I have not asked any questions. The lack of invitation is noticeable.

    Son is concerned that difficult child will see photos on facebook and she will fall apart.

    Do we ever tell her? Tell her before? Afterwards? Tell her WHAT? Should she know the truth and that is that N. likely doesn't consider her stable enough material to attend her wedding?

    Personally, I simply see it as a consequence of her actions...nothing more and nothing less. Weddings are expensive and a treasured day. There is no reason to invite likely trauma and/or confusion.

    Any thoughts?
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    How old is difficult child? Not that it really matters since she's an adult, but is there a chance she's hear about it through the grapevine? How much contact will you be having with her before the wedding? Is this a situation where you can "assume" she received an invite and figure she'd make her own plans? How do you know for sure she wasn't invited?

    Anyway, based on only what you have written, I'm with you. It's not that big a deal. difficult child only had a casual relationship with N. If it were the younger one, then it would be more of an issue.
  3. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    To a large extent, that's true. It's the younger sister that she is closest to. However, since all of us were invited and she was not, it is very noticeable. They are really REALLY like family to us. AND although I'm not sure about this, I think since difficult child is adopted, she has issues about being excluded....which feels a lot like abandonment. It's very hard for her to see that it really OFTEN is her own actions that causes these difficult things that occur in her life. I think son and husband are concerned that not only will she NOT see this, but she will take it as a "slight" and do something drastic. But, I'm not sure I can concern myself with this. This is my best friend and her daughter's wedding. They have enough of a burden on their hands AND if she were to attend, let's face it, it would be STRESS for all concerned. That's why I can't even think about this...its a "no win" and I suppose I will cross that bridge if and when I have to. It's just such ashame...as I know you all understand.
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I suppose, putting myself in N's shoes, that I might consider not inviting difficult child too if I felt it would bring drama and stress to the day. Heck, husband and I eloped simply because my mother was an alcoholic difficult child and I could see no other solution to her potentially ruining the day..
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There are bound to be hard feelings either way. I think your attitude is good, this is their wedding and this is a consequence of her behavior nothing more or less. Yes she may have a problem with abandonment issues but it's another teaching moment for difficult child. I would go to the wedding and have a good time and cross whatever bridge develops later on.

    Two years ago my niece got married and difficult child did not attend. She was somewhat estranged from the family and was suppose to be at college but instead was not going to any classes and spending the weekends with the boyfriend. We were at the ceremony and I got a text on my cell asking if she could come home for the day. Mind you she was suppose to be in her dorm an hour away. I texted back telling her no that we were at her cousin's wedding which she was suppose to be at and the door was locked and she would have to find someplace else to spend the weekend. It broke my heart that she was not with the family but I had to put it out of my head and enjoy the day.

    Last edited: Nov 2, 2011
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    If she were 10 and excluded, that would be different. Heck, if she were 18 and still living at home and excluded.

    As it is, I think you have the right take on the situation - its a consequence. And if she brings up bio vs adopted, I'd point out behaviors that one has exhibited and one has not, and let her decide if its truly biological favoritism...
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Agree with what Nancy said. Go to the wedding and enjoy yourself. No one else is going to put themselves out like mom and dad will so to expect her to be included before she has proven herself to have self control is unrealistic. It is a consequence of her past behavior. Have fun with your friends and share their joy.
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    There is no better way to learn a lesson than natural consequences. Our difficult child's learn may a lesson this way.