difficult child apartment hunting & other stuff

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Jan 3, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Just someone hit me over the head already! :hammer:

    difficult child STILL has not found a job since leaving Sharper Image. She is never home, always with her boyfriend, monkeyboy. We never see him, he's like a phantom boyfriend. She's always at his house or over in his neck of the woods, but that's another post.

    So, yesterday difficult child was looking in the local flyer for any interesting jobs...because wonders of all wonders, she can't seem to land one despite the fact that nearly EVERY store in town has a Help Wanted sign in their window! Anyway. H mentioned, in passing, that he noticed difficult child had circled a couple of ads for apartments in the town over. I am not shocked by any means as difficult child has made some off-handed remarks about wanting to "get the he// out of here" or "it doesn't matter because I won't be living here for very long" type of comments again lately. However, I am a bit confused as to how she thinks she will finance an apartment, car insurance, gas, her own phone, utilities and food on NO INCOME. She told me last month that her boyfriend was looking for an apartment. He also has no job. Perhaps they are thinking of moving in together?? Holy God, I hope not.

    Last week, difficult child came home with a black eye. Now I am not saying boyfriend did it, but how would I know? I hardly even know this kid. And daughter claims to not know how it happened. Her exact words were, "If you're accusing boyfriend of giving me a black eye, I'll freaking walk out of this freaking house right now!". I never said anything about boyfriend giving her a black eye. I only asked if he was there when it happened as maybe he could shed a little light on the circumstances leading up to the supposed fall she claimed happened. She had to be driven home last week by boyfriend and his dad because she got shaky and then passed out in his driveway (not drinking or smoking - completely straight). She said it was just like the panic attacks she used to have, except there was no warning headache. She just got all fluttery and passed out and fell, then puked. Of course, she wouldn't say anything more about it to me.

    I even called the boyfriend, but he wasn't home and I got his mom yesterday and she was not rude, though not very friendly. I am sure that difficult child has painted the picture that I'm really really mean and unfair and that H (her stepdad) is also mean to her - she does that with new people, loves to make them believe that her home life is God-awful.

    So, you know, I have all kinds of concerns here. First, she is jobless. Second, if she doesn't get a normal job or go to school, her health benefits will expire in October of this year. She is not in counseling and she's not eating right. She has a severe intolerance to caffiene and passes out when she intakes too much and smokes too many cigarettes - too much stimulants and this is likely what caused her to pass out last week. So, I am practicing my detachment stuff, but man, it is hard. On top of all this she claims that she wants to sign up for a $1600 phlebotomy course at the community college, which is great and all, but I am hesitant to plunk over that kind of money (not that I have it anyway) and have her ditch again and I lose my money. I have a call into the school to see if she can just get financial aid on her own and have a loan when she's done. For that kind of money, I would think she could do it. Maybe if she is paying the bill, she will stick with it.

    Star posted something on another unrelated post about our difficult children being who they are, no matter what we do for them or don't do for them. Those were not her exact words, but the jist of it was that they are who they are. Some of them fortuntely change, mature and go on to lead normal self sufficient healthy lives while others just keep making the same mistakes over and over again throughout. I think this may be difficult child. Truly.

    I can lie in bed for HOURS thinking of what I should have or could have done differently to make the outcome better. But then, I think back to why I makde certain decisions for difficult child based on my reactions to her behavior at the time and it seems like I'd do it all over again. I don't know. I do know that I feel like I've tried it all and it may be time for me to let go. Then as I lie there awake wondering, I think about how she's still so young and ignorant and how will she make it and what if something horrible happens and the last word I have from her is through a DR or police officer.

    Obviously, I cannot FORBID her anything. I can't tell her anything - she doesn't listen, I can see her tune me right out. I am so fearful that the reason this kid is never around is because he may be abusive or something. He told difficult child that he 'feels nervous around parents'. So, what does that mean? He will never ever get used to being around difficult child's family because it's uncomfortable for him? And what is wrong with difficult child? She's usually so mean to her boyfriend's and tells them up front that they have to come to our house! Now she's never ever home. The entire time easy child was home from college and all through the holidays, difficult child was absent. We went to the movies, dinners, and hung at home and had fun and whenever I asked her to join us she said she had to go and left. Part of me is so ready for her to get out and the other part of me is so scared for her.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    She is going to do her own thing. She will make her own mistakes and find out fast you cant live on what she thinks is love. It certainly doesnt pay the bills and your tummy gets real rumbly when all you have eaten all day is kisses...lol.

    Let her dream or plan or whatever it is that she thinks they are doing. I doubt that any landlord is going to rent to a couple of unemployed young people. If one does...oh well. She will get tired of monkeyboy soon enough when he doesnt provide for her in the status to which she is accustomed.

    Unless she is like me that is! I came from an upper middle class family and here I am with an extremely blue collar man and we have just scraped by for the last 24 years but thats ok...we are still together.
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well, Janet, I came from middle class as did my exh and H. Both my exh and my H are blue collar workers - both carpenters actually and the difference is that exh was self centered and lazy and although he worked, he never paid the bills and chose to blow cocaine up his nose instead of feed his wife and two daughters. Current H works hard and together we support the family and have created a loving home. There is nothing wrong with being blue collar at all, in my opinion, it's what America runs on. It's ignorance and laziness that bothers me! lol

    difficult child seems to have idolized her bio-dad and despite all her moaning about when she lived with him, she likes that way of living. She likes a home filled with packaged food, soda and coffee only to drink, cluttered with :censored2: from years ago, filled with smoke, and dog hair everywhere. Her bio dad is a loser and yet, he is always pointing out everyone else's flaws, even ones that don't exist. When the girls told exh a funny story from home, he would roll his eyes and call me 'crazy' as if he's being funny, but his sarcasm wasn't entirely lost on easy child thank God - she knew he was getting a dig in and he still does it. I sometimes just want to smack his head right off his shoulders.

    Exh is the epitome of dysfunction and yet he loves to mock everyone else and make them seem like the dysfunctional ones. And difficult child is just like him. It sickens me to no end. I cannot believe how much she is like him, especially since I moved out when she was under 2 and away when she was under 4! Monkeyboy reminds me of exh EXACTLY in every way, from his attitude, his arrogance, his family, his apathy, his lack of drive, the way he speaks to difficult child, everything. I once told difficult child that he kind of reminded me of her dad and she said, "Gee thanks mom" but then I overheard her telling monkeyboy as if it was a good thing!

    You're right, she is who she is. I have to let go.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think she probably has it in her mind that boyfriend is going to finance the move. They will move into their own place together and play house. It's pretty unrealistic, I'm sure, but that never stopped our difficult children!
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    You're right witz.

    Example: She's sick as a dog right now and should be home and warm. Instead she's out galavanting around in her friend's car (because hers is frozen and won't start) having a coffee break 'to catch up'. It is 3 degrees right now and she's wearing a sweatshirt. What a moron. God help me, I love her, but what an idiot.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    :hammer: :rofl: :hammer:

    I know.

    What we forget is that, at 18, our difficult children are really about 15 (MAX!). And they are hard-headed and they know it all. And there's nothing we can say or do to change their minds.


    She'll daydream about the apartment and "freedom" and playing house with boyfriend. Like Janet said, I'll be shocked if anyone will rent to them without a means to pay the rent so this will be a lesson learned through experience.

    So sit tight, Jo. My guess is that it will be very hard in a few weeks to resist saying "I told you so." :winks:

  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think this is the "playing house" dream, too.

    Doesn't sound too promising for becoming a reality, though.

    That whole parent issue with th boyfriend along with difficult child's unusual behavior would really have me worrying more than anything. Like you, I'd wonder if it were shyness or if he thinks you'll see right through him.

    I think some kids just have to learn the hard way. On many things I was that way. Even if there was an easy way to do something, I usually found the hardest way to do it. lol And lord knows if my Mom had attempted to give me relationship advice I'd have not listened to a single word. Heck, I still don't take her advice. (probably the reason I've been married almost 25 yrs lol)

    Who knows? Maybe the boyfriend isn't abusive, yet doesn't take difficult child's normal treatment of males either. And she likes him enough to tow the line, so to speak. (stranger things have happened)

    If she zones you out though, there isn't much point in trying to talk to her. If it were me, I'd keep an eye on the situation and my mouth closed. Then if you do see signs of abuse....Well, maybe you could slip some info into her purse when she's not looking or something.

    Maybe difficult child is just one of those kids who is going to have to learn thru real life experience.

  8. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Jo,
    your dtr and mine are so similar sounding but mine finally "grew up" when she got desperate enough--I, too, did not see how she could make it on her own but I did let go and she did manage.

    We also come from middle class backgrounds and provided difficult child with a stable home life, felt education was important, etc. She was always attracted to people from unstable backgrounds with many problems. I think she would try to pass herself off as street smart and tough but it wasn't very believable--for one thing she has good grammar and has a good vocabulary despite every other word being a swear word!

    I actually think it would be good if your difficult child found a way to move out and get a taste of the real world. I had to kick mine out and she had to stay at a Red Cross shelter with boyfriend for awhile since they had no money or jobs but eventually she figured out a way to survive. She had no idea how difficult life would be on her own--she has told me many times that she thought life would be so great when she was 18 and could move out and then she found out what a struggle it was and how much things cost, etc. She works as an exotic dancer because she says she couldn't make it on her minimum wage job at Dunkin' Donuts. She says she is saving money for college--who knows?
    I guess I could feel guilty and that it is my fault--after all, she is only 19 and I have withdrawn all financial support and forced her to work as a stripper. But my outlook is that she was never going to take responsibility for her own life til she was forced to and now she is having to live with the consequences of her choices. The thing is, though, she is so much happier now than she ever was as a kid or teen. She likes being in charge of her own life even if it is a struggle. We relate to each other as adults now and there is no animosity or blame--she is very respectful towards me and takes nothing for granted. I really like her a lot now and I disliked her for so many years when she lived with me.

    Well, enough of my rambling, I agree with the others--let her dream and plan and try to get an apt. I can't imagine it will be easy to do but maybe she and boyfriend will find a way. I do think she needs to be on her own before she will change. When my dtr was at home she was supposed to be getting a job and/or going to community college. She did neither--her attempts at doing so were very half-hearted. She was perfectly happy to pretend to be looking for jobs in between partying with her friends and seeing her various boyfriends. She was so entitled it made me sick--that is when I kicked her out.

    Good luck!

  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Jane, I know we've said it before - our daughters were cut from the same mold!! I cringe when I think of your daughter at 19 being an exotic dancer. I am thinking I would just die a little inside if my daughter ends up there. I know it's not the worst thing in the world, but still. I did manage to raise two little femenists, so I'm thinking that may not be her first choice in supporting herself.

    Like your daughter, my difficult child does a not so good job of showing her half hearted, lame attempts at job hunting. Last night H asked me for the college catalog for the local community college. I gave it to him, but inside I wanted to scream at him: SHE'S NOT GOING TO GO AND I'M NOT SPENDING ANYMORE MONEY ON A COLLEGE COURSE SHE'S GOING TO DROP OUT OF OR GET KICKED OUT OF!!! But H wouldn't have heard me, he'd just argue that I'm not pushing her hard enough to go to school. He thinks that he can just step in after me and simply WILL difficult child to do as he thinks she should. I would LOVE for difficult child to attend classes, but she's no interested in anything except the phlebotomoty class and H does not support that nor will he help pay for it. I am hesitant as well to lay out anymore money in that regard.

    I have totally sat back on this and haven't said anything to difficult child about the circled apt ads - she doesn't even know that I know. She went out again last night, sick and coughing. H checked the oil in her car and gave her money for 2 quarts. I know she probably only bought one quart and a pack of cigarettes. Today she was up at 7:30 when I got up and I asked her what her plans were for the day and said, "I don't know yet - right now I'm doing a survey on MySpace"....ahhhh, excellent, such aspirations. I suggested that she instead clean out her disgusting smelly car, dress nice and go pound the pavement for a job. She rolled her eyes but said she would. She's supposed to stop by my office for fresh copies of her resume.

    What you said about your daughter having perfect speech and vocabulary - that's daughter!! It's appalling to me when I hear her friend's speaking. They sound so ignorant and, well, stupid. When difficult child speaks she uses intelligible words and language. When she writes, amazing thoughts come out of her. She has the talent and potential to be great at anything she puts her mind to. Unfortunately, she's not putting her mind to anything right now.

    Last night she said something else about "getting out of HERE". I ignored her. H ignored her. Thanks everyone.
  10. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Jo,
    I did cringe at first when I found out what difficult child was doing for a living but when I talked to her I think I got it. She sees it as just a job and she is basically acting. She actually sees the guys who come there as sort of pitiful--that they would actually pay her money just to see her naked and dancing. She certainly does not see herself as a victim--she sees the guys as victims--that if they are dumb enough to pay good money then she is smart enough to take it. She dances under a fake name and no one knows her real name. No one actually knows her, only what she presents to them. So, I guess I don't really have a problem with the dancing because I too can see it is just a job, there is not any part of her that any guy is really "getting". Also, she has always been sort of an exhibitionist and loves attention so she certainly is getting that need fulfilled. I never dreamed I would be okay with it but with these difficult children you do and think things you couldn't imagine before they were in your life!