difficult child back on drugs again, very worried and need advice

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by pinevalley, Feb 3, 2012.

  1. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    I am so worried and upset about my difficult child, and I feel like there is nothing that is nothing that we can do to help him. difficult child was in a rehab program for 30 days for marijuana and k2 abuse, and he looked and sounded great when he left that program. He has only been home for 3 weeks now, and he seems even more out of control than before he went to rehab. difficult child told us when he was in rehab that he wanted to stay away from all his using friends, but he was back hanging out with them just 3 days after he left rehab. He has admitted that he has used weed a few times, and he is not using K2 anymore. It just seems like his entire personality has changed since he left rehab, and he is like a completely different person. He doesn't care about school at all, and he has been truant from school for 3 days this week. He would rather walk around town and hang out at fast food restaurants than go to school. He only has to take 3 more classes to graduate, but he does not even care if he graduates in a few months. We don't let him use a car, he doesn't have a cell phone, and he has very little money of his own. Two days ago he refused to get on the bus to go to school in the morning, because he was tired from staying out very late the night before. He wanted to sleep all day, but I told him that he would have to leave the house if he was not in school. He refused to leave out home, so I called the police. Two officers came to our house, and they made difficult child leave our property. He stayed out with friends all day, missed his IOP program that night, and finally came home about midnight. Now just two days later he refused to go to school again today, because he was too tired (that's what he says). I had to call 911 again, and the cops made difficult child leave our property. Now he is wandering the streets with no money and no cell phone. i have no idea when he will come home, and I am worried that he will do something stupid and get arrested.
    Even when difficult child was using k2 last fall, he was able to go to school most of the time. He has a completely different attitude now, and nothing that we say or do means anything to him. We want to put him back in rehab, but he will refuse to go. The only that he agreed to go to rehab last time is because he got arrested and we were able to convince him that going to rehab would help to keep him out of jail. I don't understand how he can go downhill so quickly after spending 30 days in rehab. He doesn't care about IOP, about going to school, and he is hanging out with several new friends that we don't even know at all.
    We don't want to evict difficult child from our house, but we may be forced to do that since he doesn't follow any of our rules. Does anyone have any other suggestions about what we can do to try to get through to this kid? It is so painful to watch him destroy himself, and we feel so totally helpless right now. Thanks,
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh PV I am so sorry. It does appear as though many of our difficult children are struggling lately. I am not surprised at how fast he has gone downhill after rehab. We were told that often happens. When you think about it 30 days inpatient is not nearly enough to change someone. It gets them clean and educates them about addiction and hopefully gives them some tools to continue thier recovery. But it also gave them new contacts and new ways to be sneaky and hide things. My difficult child admitted that when she was in rehab she was not convinced she was an addict and just learned new drugs to try and of course used it as a dating service.

    I don't think there is anything you can do to get him back on track, he has to do it himself. If he was court ordered into treatment then the fact that he has missed IOP will be sent back to court and I assume he will be held in contempt of court. He isn't ready to be in recovery and coming back to his old friends is a recipe for disaster. My difficult child relapsed within two weeks of coming back home and she relapsed with the same people she was using with when she went.

    We were told that when they relapse often times they relapse faster and harder, so it may only be a matter of time before he is arrested again. That may be a blessing or a curse. It may get him back into treatment but it may also cause him to get arrested and/or be suspended from school. You may have to be prepared for him not graduating and having to get his GED if and when he gets clean. I know that's not what you want to hear but it may be the reality.

    Again I am so sorry. I don't know what it is lately but it's very discouraging that our difficult children can't seem to stay in recovery.

  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am so so sorry you are going through this. You can't change his behavior -been there done that. Your only choice is to live with it and accept it or to ask him to leave. I don't mean to be brusque - but that's all you can do.

    You've done so much all ready - and it hasn't worked. You are a great mom. If you think you can get him back into rehab - line it up. Pack his bags, secure your belongings - if you are worried for your safety- make sure you have a back up plan & your phone in hand. If you want your difficult child to to have a cell phone - get him one now.(my difficult child is on my plan and I find it comforting) Once your plan is ready to go - sit him down & say -" you are leaving now. You can go to rehab or walk away. Two options. Pick one." And immediately take him to rehab or wherever he chooses to go (h brought difficult child to a friends) or put him & his belongings on the porch and lock the door.

    (My h felt the need to say "if you walk away; don't come back" which broke my heart. But my h needed to get control back and he was right.)

    I agreed initially that getting your difficult child thru HS at any price was important. However, this price is too much. I hate that my kid is gone, my heart is broken, I cry all the time BUT my home is peaceful and a haven again. Yes, I'd like it to be that way w my son under my roof. But that choice is unavailable.

    {{}{{{hugs}}}}}{}} I am hurting for you
    Lasted edited by : Feb 3, 2012
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh PV - I am so sorry.... gosh it seems we should just gather up all of our difficult children and put them in a magic room with a magic therapist who will somehow beat some sense into their heads. I mean honestly are they all in this together???

    I do think it is important to take a stand that if he can't follow the rules then he can't live in your home. That is true in life and better he learn that now rather than later... and yes it might mean he gets arrested again. That is what happened to my difficult child... and at different tough points along the way my difficult child has wanted help. Not sure he really wants it at the moment though.

    HS may be a lost cause right now... or he may on his own realize he needs to figure out what he needs to do to graduate or to get his GED. People do get GEDs and you can get into community college with a GED and then the HS diploma doesnt matter so much anymore. I think the drug issue is more important the HS diploma issue.

  5. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    When difficult child came home after rehab, my h and I wanted him to stay at our house so that he could graduate from hs in a few months. He was always willing to go to school, even if he didn't really do any work at school. But now this attitude is completely different, and he stays out til midnight most nights and then is too tired to go to school in the morning. It is like he has just given up on any goals that he once had.
    Nancy, I didn't know that when many people relapse they do it harder and faster than the first time. This is exactly what difficult child is doing. He is behaving worse now than in the fall when he was hooked on K2. He doesn't think that he needs to go to rehab, because he is "only" using weed (and it is all natural, or course, according to him). I'm glad that he is not hooked on stronger drugs like heroin, but we think he may be using much more weed than before rehab, because he wants to have the high that he had with k2. He is extremely stubborn, and will not agree to anything that we tell him to do, just because he doesn't want to obey his parents. He tells us every day that he is 18 now and he can do whatever he wants to do, and stay out as late as he wants to. We don't give him any money, and he still seems to borrow money from friends to go out and have fun.
    Do you think that we should ask some of his non using friends to try to convince him to go to rehab, since he refuses to listen to what h and I say? I'm not sure if we can get his friends to help us, but he might listen to them instead of us, the mean parents. I am trying to think of any way at all that we can convince him to want to change his life, instead of destroy it.
    I appreciate your comments and advice, because I know that you both have been through hell with your kids.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Pv have you considered an intervention? If you decide to try that you should do it with professionalhelp and he goes right into treatment that day.

    They told us that when they first get out and relapse their systems are clean and so they try to pick up where they left off with their use. For example if they were smoking five joints a day to maintain the high before they went to rehab they will start with five when they get out but their bodies are not use to five so they get high faster and have worse side effects. That may be why you are seeing such a change.

    My difficult child said the same thing about being 18 and allowed to do what she wants and we finally had to say not in our house.

  7. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    Hi PV - My son is only 16, so take that into consideration when you hear my opinion. I think there are two issues here. The first is his drug use and relapse. If you want to speak to some non-using friends and maybe ask them to stage their own informal intervention, even if it doesn't work, I don't think it's ever bad for people to point out to them that they are concerned because they see the drugs taking hold again. The second and just as important issue is his behavior in your home and weather or not you and husband are OK with him living under your roof while behaving this way. I have not walked in your shoes, but I have come close. When my son was 14, his bahavior in our house was so completely unacceptable (due to pot dependance) that we could not keep him in our home. The process to get him somewhere that could help him took time. After trying EVERYTHING to stop him , we finally had to "let the chips fall" knowing that his use and behavior would quickly lead to big problems. He did get arrested and expelled from school, which we knew would happen, and we just followed the process one step at a time. He went to a boarding school, got in trouble there, went to Wilderness, and now is back at boarding school. The bottom line was that we felt like his behavior was so out of control that we could not HAVE him at home. HE had too much control in our home. For the sake of his 12 year old sister, my husband and I and him, we had to get him out of the house to get well. When he was home, he only saw US and OUR RULES as the problem. When he went to other environments and struggled there, he began to see that HIS CHOICES were the problem and that WE were actually trying to help him. I know it's hard, but from the sounds of your report, I doubt his behavior will change while he's home, why should it? He doesn't seem to care. You're doing EVERYTHING you can for him, he just doesn't care. I like the previous poster's suggestion, pack the bag, give him 2 choices - "We can't live this way any more. The rules here are no drugs and you go to school. If you are not willing to do those things, you cannot live here anymore. You are 18 and old enough to make your own choices." He may even like being "empowerred" to HAVE a choice. He may leave, but if he does, he may soon find out that YOU are not the problem. Good luck.
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    And your answer is . . .

    That's great. Now that you are 18 and considered an adult we no longer have to house or feed you. Where should we send your mail?
  9. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Our difficult child came home a few minutes ago. The only reason that he came home was to get one of his guitars, so that he could sell it for money. Our son was having a great time today, because he did not go to school, and he hung out with a couple of friends who are unemployed and just stay home all day. He refused to go to the IOP today, and he was high when he was talking to us. My h and I are just sick about our son, and we told him not to come home tonight, since he was using drugs today. Our difficult child just wants to hang out with his user friends, and he will probably find a friend to stay with tonight.

    This is a totally off the wall idea, but my h is trying to find any incentive that will convince our difficult child to go to IOP. He is considDering offering to pay difficult child a small amount of money every time he attends an IOP. We are thinking of writing up a contract for difficult child, where we will pay him to go to IOP, and he will also only get the money if he attends school every day. We feel that he must be serious about his recovery in IOP, and paying him to go may be the only way that we can get him to attend.

    Is this a totally crazy idea? We don't want to give difficult child money so that he can spend it on drugs, but we are trying to find any way at all to get through to our son about his recovery.
  10. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    Unfortunately, it sounds like he has made his choice.

    My difficult child is 18 too. I think if we help (enable) them along at this age, then they may get some traction (job, education, assets, etc.) in their adult lives without dealing with the addiction. That will make it harder for them to hit rock bottom later. At least that is my theory...so I am trying so very hard to allow any and all consequences to fully hit him now.

    You have to do what works for you. If you aren't attending a program like Al-anon...I highly recommend it.
  11. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    It's a totally crazy idea. I am sorry. And I think it will backfire. I know how much you want him in school and want him to go to meetings - but it's not worth it at any price. And by paying him you will be fueling his drug habit. He will never be serious about his recovery if you are paying him to go to meetings. All you are doing is acknowledging that he has the power and the control in this situation and that's going to go to his head. I think it will do more harm than good.

    Do you have a professional therapist or psychiatrist you can talk to?

    Please don't think I am being judgy. I too have thought of similar things. And we bribe our kids to get good grades and it has worked really well. (we pay $10 for an A, $5 for a B; plus a $100 bonus for straight As - figure it's cheaper than tutoring) When difficult child decided he wanted to be a difficult child and his grades started falling last year - we upped the incentive to $100 for each A and $50 for each B plus and a $500 bonus for straight As - figuring he was now in college and loved extra money. He got 3 Cs and a D that semester. Live and Learn.

    Money is added incentive but it can't be the incentive
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah that's a crazy idea. Paying an addict for anything is like handing them drugs. husband has to realize that if difficult child accepts that he is only going to get the money and he will get nothing out of it and will be disruptive to those who really do want to go for the right reasons.

    I would also not allow him to take anything from the house to sell. That is absurd. He is thumbing his nose at you and husband. He is not ready for recovery and until he is there is nothing you can do to force him into it. It's time to stop allowing him to run over you like he is.

  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    No dont pay him to go to school or to iop....he will use it to abuse you. Stand firm and dont let him live with you while he is doing all this stuff. Eventually thenicentive might be to come back home....so i would tell him he cant live there until he is going to school and going to iop. His friends houses will get old soon enough.

  14. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ditto to everything that TL said. He will just spend the money for drugs.

  15. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Thanks for the advice. We thought that it was a not a good idea, but we are willing to try anything to help our son. H and I realize that we may have to kick our difficult child out of our house. However it is not that easy to do here in Illinois, because we have to go to court and ask a judge to evict our son from our home. Right now it takes at least 30 days to get a court date for the eviction in our area. We have told difficult child that he must get help for his drug use or he will be evicted. However our difficult child has a right to stay in our house for the 30 days until we can go before a judge for the eviction. It will be hard to have difficult child in our house while we are waiting for the court date, because he feels like he can smoke weed and we can not kick him out.

    We told difficult child that he can not come home tonight because he was smoking weed today. It is a terrible feeling not to know where our son will be sleeping tonight.
  16. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    While there may be an eviction law in place - that will only come into play if your son decides not to cooperate with your request for him to leave. I find it doubtful that your difficult child will call the police to reinstate himself into your home...especially if he is using drugs. I might take my chances. Technically - he was out of your home for 30 days - while in rehab. I think you need to assert yourselves or risk being at his mercy for a long time. I am so sorry you are going through this. I would consult professional tomorrow.

    ***Edited to add - the 30 days comes into play - because you are required to give him 30 days written notice. I would give him that tonight***
    Lasted edited by : Feb 3, 2012
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You do not have to allow your son to break the law in your home.

  18. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am sorry to keep posting - but I emailed a close relative who is an Illinois police officer - and they said it is unlikely that the police would force you to allow difficult child back into your home. THe advice was also that even if you were held to the eviction law, you could get a temporary restraining order that would prohibit him from being in your home for the 30 day notice period. Reading your back posts - it seems the police have been helpful to you with getting him to leave. In addition, your difficult child was charged with a felony. That plus the fact that he is using and that you are worried about your own safety and the security of your property makes it likely that you could get a TRO for the 30 days. If you want to go that route. HTH
  19. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    The police have been helpful to us. One of the officers was pretty angry at difficult child this morning, because he couldn't believe that difficult child refused to get on the school bus that came right to our driveway. He even told us that this is one of the reasons that he doesn't have any kids!

    My difficult child just came back to our home and dropped off his guitar because he was not able to sell it. He then asked me for money because he said that he was hungry. I refused to give him any money, and I told him that he could not stay here since he smoked weed today. He left our house and started walking down the street in the dark. I hope that he will not have a good time tonight, and that he will not get a comfortable place to stay with one of his friends.

    I appreciate all your advice. I know that it is not easy for any of us, with drug use and relapses and lying by our difficult child's.
  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hugs. You are doing the right thing...it is so hard to do.....and it is hard to know that our difficult children are out on thier own in the dark etc....but i think it is the only way they will find a way. I hope you can sleep tonight.