difficult child being bullied again, only now it is over the

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Dec 28, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    internet. I don't know what to do. He finally started doing good. Working hard. being very compasionate. No anger.

    His friend, or x friend sent a text on Christmas eve, late..saying difficult child s****, has no life, is a loser, nobody likes him, and a bunch of dirty words and names. Of course difficult child had to reply..had no idea what was going on. Then this boy started on his AOL, so difficult child blocked him. Now he posted mean and awful things about difficult child on his Myspace bulliten board. Sending difficult child message after message about how he is a loser, will never make it in life, nobody likes him, and mean and naughty names. difficult child now just logs off computer.
    Don't understand it. One week ago they were together. No problem that difficult child can think of.
    difficult child gets upset, hurt, angry, and he replies. I asked him not to reply at all. I want to go to this boy's house but difficult child forbids me from doing this.
    I will make sure difficult child blocks him from difficult child's myspace, but he has all these nasty things on his bulliten board about difficult child. Not true. He has been home or with me all but two hours the past two weeks.
    What can I do about his phone msg's? I want to speak to his parents, but I know if I do that difficult child will end up paying the price at school. Any suggestions? What would YOU do?
  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    My tweedles are your difficult children age - neither have access with-o supervision to the internet. kt has a computer in her room with no internet connection. Her cell phone has no text messaging, no connection to internet, no music downloads - she cannot even receive voice mails. It's just a phone to stay in contact.

    I've done this to stop just this type of situation. And saying that, it's not going to stop it in the future. However, I'm taking this time now to teach kt about cyber bullying. The day treatment school setting she is in is doing the same.

    husband is big on teaching kt internet protocol & manners. If you wouldn't say it outloud in a group of people, don't post it online.

    In the meantime, we will continue to limit kt's use to the internet. It's hard to protect our kids once this type of thing starts happening. It's easy to be a bully behind a computer screen or cell phone connection.

    Wish I had more to offer - it's all going to depend on your difficult children reaction - or lack of reaction to stop this. And that many not help either.
  3. Janna

    Janna New Member

    I'm with Linda. The internet isn't a great place for a 13 year old to be. My oldest is 16 and not allowed on unless I'm there with him.

    The MySpace issue, you can remove the bully from your difficult child's friends list. Additionally, you are supposed to be 14 to have a MySpace account, so if he's under 14, you could report him and his MySpace would be deleted, although, looks like your son's is, too, so he would be at risk then also.

    I would still personally go in and remove the boy.

    Call the phone provider, see if they can block him. I've done that.

    Hopefully your son can just stay away from him and ignore him. Maybe if he just doesn't react to the bullying the boy will stop.
  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    difficult child usually uses computer for homework. And there is ONE game he plays where he chats with others.

    He has AIM and Myspace, but I keep track of his Myspace. He rarely signs on, once a month maybe.

    He does have his phone. husband and I read txt's. Not to say he deletes some before we get to it.

    yes, difficult child has been deleted from myspace many times more than likely because of his age. I don't care if he is deleted. Not too sure he cares either.

    difficult child tells us what is being said, and he actually tells me what his reply is. I constantly remind him to not respond, logoff, turn it off or reply nice.

    The last message he received he said he only asked him if he was having a bad day. But he did tell me what he said to prior messages, and it will come back to bite him. It always does.
    In his defense, it was a reply to what was said, but not appropriate and trying to get that into his head.

    I remember being teased because I was tall, but nobody said or did things like this. Not that we had a cell phone or computer either.
  5. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member

    my daughter had a similiar thing happen to her.the bad part was they had been best friends for years.it only got worse,this girl would get others to let her log onto their accounts online and would use others phones when i blocked her,on the my space and on her phone.then we started getting prank calls ,i had to have them traced.before long it ended up being more girls involved in harrassing my daughter(the girl told lies to some of their other friends and some believed her (not all ).these girls even threatened my youngest daughter (telling her they where coming to get her)when she answered the phone once when i answered they had a teen boy tell me he was coming to slice my throat.they would tell her she was fat and etc.,she got to where she was making herself sick after she ate and going for long periods of not eating.she still fights her annerexia.
    i called their mothers and sad to say they acted worse than the girls,(they did not" believe their children would do such a thing!")and proceeded to cuss me.
    thanks to the phone tracing a few girls got caught so the calls stopped after the phone company called and told them that if they called my number again their phone would be disconnected.
    but no files could be filed since i made the mistake of not telling my daughter to not delete the messages on the internet and on her phone.
    so ,just to be on the safe side i wouldnt delete these messages.i didnt think things would go that far but it did.
    but,on the happier side most friends will do these things when they are mad at each other and then be best buddies again the next day.ive watched the same daughter and other friends do the same thing. the other time was just a difference in kids i guees.
    sad to say i heard later from my daughter that the girl that had started all of that was a cutter and had to go into counseling,so maybe she was just needing help and didnt know how to ask for it and was lashing out.
    who knows kids are strange sometimes.
    i hope your kid and the boy make up and become friends again.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you guy is being bullied :crying: It always makes me sad to hear about bullying. I wish I knew what the solution was. I think deleting him off your difficult child's friends list on my space is a good idea. Maybe just keeping him off the internet for awhile is a good idea too. If this starts to carry over to school I would go there immediately to talk to someone. Hugs.

    I guess at least for now my difficult child is safe from internet bullying-I guess if there is one positive in him not being able to read that is it.
  7. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    It is so strange. Friends one night. Occasionally hung out. both boys spend most time at home. Then wham...totally blind sided difficult child. He doesn't know why. If I could get his parents to MAKE him logon to his myspace they would see what he posted about my son! But difficult child doesn't want my interference.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This kind of nutty "you're my friend one day/my enemy the next" is more common with girls, but it happens in middle school a lot. I would report this to the ISP even if it's AOL. If they do anything and his parents find out he'll probably be punished. I agree with keeping him off the internet except for homework. Remove his MySpace and IM.
    If he gets a text message I'd message back telling this kid that YOU saw it and are going to report him to the Cell Phone Provider if he ever does that again. (Maybe say you were using his phone so it doesn't sound like he asked you to defend him).
    I hate bullying.
  9. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    stupid question...what is ISP?

    Nobody...except those here know what difficult child's and family go through. This may not be a big deal to many, but just when he started to do so well. Makes me sad.
  10. ML

    ML Guest

    How frustrating! Unfortunately I've experienced this myself with adults. This is something your son did not need. This type of situation is very painful. The computer screen seems to bring out the worst in people sometimes. Please give him some extra hugs for me. M
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Call the cops. Your son certainly has made great strides; the last thing he needs is something to put a dent in his confidence. Cyber bullies usually do not understand the damage they cause. I have heard of several instances where the bullying got so bad that the kid being bullied killed him/herself.

    Call the cops. And don't tell me that your son forbids it. YOU are the mother.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    ISP==Internet Service Provider
    I would probably also tell the parents, even against your son's wishes. I'd say I saw it on his MySpace.
  13. weatheringthestorm

    weatheringthestorm New Member

    I feel so bad for your difficult child, and you too. Unfortunately it's so easy for kids to bully each other this way.

    As others have said I would notify your internet service provider, cell company, and even Myspace. These social networking sites have policies against cyber bullying - though the follow through is weak. If you're pushy enough they might tell the bully to stop or he'll be deleted. I don't think this will help much but may be worth a try.

    If it were me I would tell my difficult child that if it continues any more I will forced to become involved. Then I would notify the bully's parents (you have a 50/50 shot of them being helpful). You might want to print out some of the stuff that is posted on the bully's myspace and give it to the parents. You may consider calling the school counselor as well. They could talk to the boys. There is the potential for retalliation when you involve the school. However, your school ought to be able to handle it in a way that no one knows your kid or you told. That's how we handle it where I work. Chances are staff are overhearing little bits about this anyways.

    It seems like you've given this a chance to just blow over as many things with kids this age do. It's probably time to get involved even if your difficult child doesn't want you to. The joy of parenting!! This kind of thing can lead to really serious problems for your difficult child if it continues.

    Best of luck to you both!!
  14. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Unfortunately, I am all too familiar with cyber bullying. It's horrible. Daughter just went through a very bad epidsode with girls that she had hung out with just the night before. It was coordinated and vicious. Text messages and one very cruel 3way voice mail. And it involved photoshopping pictures on myspace and turning them into something sexual and vulgar. It started with one girl as the ringleader and then involved about 10 kids. Though, they were very careful not to make threats because that would bring the cops.

    I took screen shots of everything. I can't express how devastating it is to see your child in pics like that even if they are photo shopped. The kids involved ranged from 14 to 17. The Parents couldn't deny their "little darlings" would "never do that" when the PROOF is right in front of their eyes. So, always take screen shots and save them. Always save everything so there is no denial.

    However, my problem was that I could never get a hold of many of the parents. Most were never home. So, I can see why these kids do this kind of thing with immpunity. I did talk with one set of parents that were shocked. Gee, ya think? The kid had unlimited internet in her bedroom. They promised to deal with it, but she was still bothering daughter through the computers of others.

    I never could get through to the ringleader's Mother. Never home after several attempts, and ringleader would hang up on me whenever I called. I'm sure all messages I left were intercepted and erased by ringleader.

    I did get to speak with another parent whose attitude was like, "whatever". She was very detached and told me she told her son that his behavior was "inappropriate". Yeah, right. That was the understatement of the year. Twit. :grrr:

    Then, it got worse. Ringleader and cohorts created a separate Myspace ALA slam page dedicated to embarrassing Daughter. I reported it, but it took Myspace a week to remove it.

    I went to the school, they told them to stop, but ultimately said they were powerless because it didn't involve actual threats involving the school. Yes, it was all over school.

    Email and IMs at least you can contact their ISP.

    Unfortunately, laws and parents haven't caught up with technology. Something really horrible is going to have to happen to more people to take notice.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Make a incident report about this with your local police department. There was not too long ago a story posted here about a Mother who's daughter was bullied on the internet by her friends AND the Mother. The girl was I believe 16 and she killed herself.

    Internet bullying currently isn't against the law - but a print out of the language and intent COULD be counted as liable - I would not go to the kids Mom - I would let the police do it. Of course if it were me - I'd ask the police to visit the kid and parents in that house and then I would send a copy to the school guidance counselor - then point out typos.

    But I am mean.
  16. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Screen shots and print it out...proof. I would contact the police if it becomes threatening in any way.

    I would also alert the school. They can't do anything because it didn't happen on school property, BUT they can be on the lookout for things happening at school.

    Several years ago, a local 15 year old boy who had been the target of bullying threw himself in front of a train. Since then, our SD and police have taken a hard line on bullying. When difficult child had trouble with bullying from a classmate that happened OFF school property, they addressed it.

    I would also take down your son's MySpace page. I personally don't see why kids should have them anyway, but if you take it down it is one less way for this kid to get to him. They're only going to keep at it as long as they get a reaction. Once there's no more reaction, it becomes boring and they move on. Sad.
  17. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I would print up the myspace pages/messages and mail them to the parents. I would probably do it anonymously.

    I would also contact the MySpace webmaster to report this kid. Terms of use are:

    Content/Activity Prohibited. The following is a partial list of the kind of Content that is illegal or prohibited to post on or through the MySpace Services. MySpace.com reserves the right to investigate and take appropriate legal action against anyone who, in MySpace.com's sole discretion, violates this provision, including without limitation, removing the offending communication from the MySpace Services and terminating the Membership of such violators. Prohibited Content includes, but is not limited to Content that, in the sole discretion of MySpace.com:

    1. is patently offensive and promotes racism, bigotry, hatred or physical harm of any kind against any group or individual;
    2. harasses or advocates harassment of another person;
    3. exploits people in a sexual or violent manner;
    4. contains nudity, violence, or offensive subject matter or contains a link to an adult website;
    5. solicits personal information from anyone under 18;
    6. provides any telephone numbers, street addresses, last names, URLs or email addresses;
    7. promotes information that you know is false or misleading or promotes illegal activities or conduct that is abusive threatening, obscene, defamatory or libelous;
    8. promotes an illegal or unauthorized copy of another person's copyrighted work, such as providing pirated computer programs or links to them, providing information to circumvent manufacture-installed copy-protect devices, or providing pirated music or links to pirated music files;
    9. involves the transmission of "junk mail," "chain letters," or unsolicited mass mailing, instant messaging, "spimming," or "spamming";
    10. contains restricted or password only access pages or hidden pages or images (those not linked to or from another accessible page);
    11. furthers or promotes any criminal activity or enterprise or provides instructional information about illegal activities including, but not limited to making or buying illegal weapons, violating someone's privacy, or providing or creating computer viruses;
    12. solicits passwords or personal identifying information for commercial or unlawful purposes from other Users;
    13. involves commercial activities and/or sales without our prior written consent such as contests, sweepstakes, barter, advertising, or pyramid schemes;
    14. includes a photograph of another person that you have posted without that person's consent; or
    15. for band and filmmaker profiles, uses sexually suggestive imagery or any other unfair, misleading or deceptive Content intended to draw traffic to the profile.

    I'm so sorry that difficult child is going through this. I think I would also give the school a head's up for when he returns. He should feel safe there.
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Wits, that is what I think Kjs needs.

    Kjs - take control. Just because "difficult child forbids it", doesn't mean you have to take a back seat and let him drive.

    There are different ways to handle this situation. difficult child 2's best friend (also autistic) - his father is built like Arnie, his mother is fearless. She drove up to a group of kids she knew were bullying her son and told them that if she ever heard that they were hassling her son again, she would be back. I can sympathise with that approach although I think it is too risky - you become a bully unnecessarily, I think. Mind you, I would do that if I ran out of all other, more legal, options.

    The legal options - find out what the law is in your area. Talk to the police. Talk to the school. Find out if there is an advocacy service in your area.

    You are worried about repercussions against difficult child if you take any action? Well, what about what he's copping now? Surely that can't be tolerated? A lot of regulations, where regulations exist, make specific mention of strong action which can be legally taken against anyone who seeks retribution purely for complaints made. It ups the ante of the original offence, if the culprit then takes further action. It doesn't matter who the culprit attacks or who made the complaint, ANY further action against anyone which has resulted from a complaint being made, the authorities will come down even harder on.

    First step - the ISP. Contact the sites where this is going on. You can generally find them on a "contact us" button, there can be a specific button for dealing with abuse of site rules. Look for it and use it. Anyone can complain - some totally anonymous person who doesn't know difficult child at all, could see the abuse and report it. Or a moderator on the site could deal with it. Any repercussions - difficult child can claim to not have made any complaints, but if there ARE repercussions the authorities need to be notified. Again.

    Keep detailed notes. The screen shots are a very good idea. When we went through this (first with me and my online stalkers, then with easy child 2/difficult child 2 and ex-boyfriend's nasty blogging) we copied it all to a text file with dates and any other notes, and refrained from responding. That is important. difficult child is too young/immature to know this, but failure to respond is ALWAYS a good tactic. And especially so with the Internet, where failure to respond indicates a 'dead' link - the person has moved on to greener pastures. (example - never respond to spam, even if it's clicking 'unsubscribe'. A lot of spammers are unscrupulous, and trying to unsubscribe can get you an avalanche of spam from many more sources.)

    Next step - report this as serious abuse, bullying and antisocial behaviour. This is known to cause harm. The laws are there, often it's a matter of finding out which law can be interpreted to provide protection. Sometimes you need to go through certain steps first - with my first stalker, I knew who he was. I made enquiries with local authorities on what I could do, which led to how I had to go about it. In my case, I needed to demonstrate with a paper trail that this contact was continuing after I had formally requested it to cease and desist. I sent a carefully worded letter to him (I got the wording from the local authorities) saying that while I was prepared to exchange polite greetings in public when witnesses were present, all other contact from him in writing (of any form, electronic or otherwise) to me or any member of my family was to immediately cease permanently, as it was causing considerable inconvenience and needless distress (in his case, he was not intending to cause distress to me or my children, he was only trying to vent his anger). My letter went on to say that failure to observe this restriction would result in immediate legal action being taken to set up and enforce a protection order. I was also advised that trying to organise mediation with him, and failing due to his refusal, would almost guarantee my success in getting a protection order.
    In my case, that was enough - all contact in writing ceased. He did try it on briefly, we dealt with that smartly and have had no more trouble with him in that way. I think he's now lost interest in annoying me and my family.

    Sometimes all it takes is your clear, considered and legal response to totally terrify a bully into leaving you alone. As long as you put up with it (on the basis that it will only get worse if you complain) then you are giving the bullies permission to continue. You are also sending a message that you are afraid - to the bully, and to your child. You use the whole process as a learning experience for the bully, and for your child, on the appropriate ways to deal with this sort of thing. You respond - appropriately - and if the problem continues, your paper trail helps you respond even more effectively next time.

    Your difficult child has been copping heaps from his bullies for some time. He is getting the message that it is his lot in life to be bullied. No kid deserves that.

    There were times when my children had a problem with a teacher at school, or a bully, told me about it but begged me to not get involved. However, where I felt it was necessary I DID get involved. They now thank me for it. By getting involved I confronted their fear for them. I also made it clear to the bully that any attempt to take reprisals BY ANYONE against my child(ren) following from my visit would result in another, louder, visit from me, with any legal authority I could bring to bear. Generally this was enough to make them leave my child alone. And by stressing BY ANYONE I made it clear that I would take it as a personal attack, if it was even a DIFFERENT bully who had a go at my child. This meant that the bully now had a vested interest to not only leave my child alone, but to make sure others did as well.

    I made sure I did this entirely within our rights by law. I have been told by some (including here) that this tactic of mine could also be considered bullying. However, when given as a response to bullying, when all other options have been tried or are not available, I consider this valid as "defence" response.

    Your difficult child needs to learn that dishing out negativity will bring it back home to him. He can't insist on being treated kindly, if he does this himself to others. Whatever standards you require of others, you must ensure you comply with as well (here, 'you' also means difficult child). This can be an important, positive, lesson for him to learn.

    As for "being friends" one day, and being nasty the next - I suspect the bully was only pretending to be a friend to 'fatten him up'. Or it could be similar to an experience difficult child 1 had at about this age - his best friend at the time, who he would visit to play computer games with, was presented with a choice: join the gang and be considered 'cool', or continue to be friends with difficult child 1 but be out in the cold. The friend chose to join the gang, but to prove himself he had to set up difficult child 1 for an attack (which would also permanently sever ties with difficult child 1, the 'good but not cool' kid).
    This friend now has a criminal record, has been using and dealing in drugs for some years and is STILL being led by the nose by his nasty gangster 'friends'. The only reason he has a criminal record is because he was trying to protect his friends (who happily let him take the punishment and the record). Some friends.

    Standing your ground now will lose difficult child some friends. But they are friends he can well do without and who clearly are not REAL friends. It draws the line in the sand which says, "you can go here, but no further."

    And I would never, ever, let difficult child have a personal web page ever again, that reveals anything about his true identity or location. Maybe "secret identity" might appeal to difficult child. Chuck the other pages - check out Gaia instead. Only let him use a disposable email address from yahoo or similar.

    And if all else fails - find out this other person's email address and send it to every Nigerian scammer, seller of online pharmaceuticals, sender of glurge etc that you can find. Cram their in box with rubbish so it's so full they have to shut down operations and clan it all up.

    A bad idea really, but it's nice to dream...

  19. Martie

    Martie Moderator

    I'm "late" and "old" to be in on this but in a very early example of cyber bullying, prior to FaceBook and MySpace, directly contributed to ex-difficult child landing in EGBS. Ex-difficult child was falsely accused of making a threat IN SCHOOL (verbally--which he did not do--school took no action in this regard) and then the whole thing blew up in IMs and ICQ.

    I called the police because there were INCOMING threats...at this point, I trusted my gut and did not rely on TOS (although I think quoting the above is very good.) I had a depressed, suicidally leaning difficult child who was being falsely accused and threatened by kids who would tell THEIR parents he was dangerous and then talk to him the next day. This is the epitome of "friend one day, enemy the next," --hour, never mind day. I agree this is more common in girls, but boys do it,too.

    At that point in time, almost 7 years ago, there had been no suicides as a result of cyber bullying that I know of, but I sensed my kid could have been ahead of the curve on this one, so I acted and called the police. The culprits ended up doing community service for 20 hours; my kid entered a downward spiral that did not end for 2.5 years. Life is not fair but bullying should never be ignored in my opinion no matter what the kid says he/she wants you to do.

    Final note: Ex-difficult child is doing well and will be 21 on his next b'day. However, in his social interactions with peers, sometimes I can still see the effects of horrible bullying as a child. I did all I could to stop it, but obviously, I was not successful enough. Another problem for the parent of a bullied child is you will get advice, especially for a boy, that it "toughens" them to work this stuff out on their own. That is garbage advice in my opinion. If I had it to do again (a thread topic that parents of older difficult children sometimes get into on PE,) I would have taken ex-difficult child out of public school much earlier to STOP THE BULLYING, both in person when he was younger and on the internet when he was older.

    My .02, which with interest in the last 7 years has doubled to .04 :wink:

    Martie :soapbox: :warrior: :soapbox:
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I found this web site - actually saw it on a billboard here - and wrote it down for us.

    Maybe they can give you some answers - it's for ALL different age groups to 17.