difficult child comes home Monday

[StressedM0mma]

And, I am scared to death. I do not know how we are going to do this. When we were at visiting hours yesterday she mentioned coming home Monday, and I said something about school on Tuesday, and she said I'm not going Tuesday. Back to where we started. So, did she learn anything? I did put it in her evaluation sheet that she was not cooperative and is not planning on returning to school. So, we will see.
They did up her medications again. Not that it is the answer. She is now on 40mg of Celexa, and 10mg. of Abilify. So, we will see.

I am so stressed out right now. I feel like I need to start with the Ativan again. And I do not want to do that. And, I know I can't let her know that I am that freaked out. Because if I do, she will just feed off of it. Ugh. Please pray that she learned something while she was in there. And that our transition home goes smoothly.

 

[StressedM0mma]

And, husband and I were talking that we are going to have to find an advocate to help us with the sd. There is no way she is going to be able to keep up with her schoolwork and attend IOP everyday. She will be at school from 7:25 until 2:25, and then go to IOP from 4-7:15. By the time we get home it is almost 8:30, and she is exhausted from it. Heck I would be exhausted after a 13 hour day even without the 3 hours of therapy. So, we want to ask for them to somehow lower the expectations of completed homework. UGH this is so hard.
I am still mourning my "old" girl. I am having a hard time letting go of her and accepting what our life is now. husband is much better at that. I am not sure if it is a male thing, or just because he grew up with an undiagnosed bipolar mom. I just want some relative calm in our home.

 

[DDD]

I can only imagine how you feel having to get psyched for her return. Wish I had words of wisdom but I don't except try to find some time for yourself. I promise I will say a prayer for you and your family. Hugs DDD

 

[DaisyFace]

Stressed--

Take some deep breaths....it's going to be OK.

I think you need to take some time today and come up with a "game plan". If X happens - we will do Y. And remember - "Doing Y" does not have to mean a big heroic action. One of your responses can be going into your room and closing the door behind you.

So sit down and think about your "worst case scenarios" - think about what you might need to have in place...and think about how you would like to respond. Will you need to call police? Will you need to call school personnel? Will you need to implement some kind of consequence at home? Can you ignore it? Can you walk away?

And if you need some help....please keep posting today. We are here for you!

 

[StressedM0mma]

Thanks DDD and Daisy. I am trying very hard to be positive. My absolute biggest stressor with her is not getting up in the morning and refusing to go to school. And, I will be honest I do not have a plan. We tried if you do not get up and go we will call the police, and that is how we ended up in the psychiatric hospital. And, we keep getting conflicting info. on what steps to take. I am planning on sitting down woth husband today to figure out what to do. I think I can handle the anger and everything if she would just go to school.

 

[DaisyFace]

Stressed--

I don't know the layout of your town - is your local police station neraby? I would advise you actually stopping in and asking to sit down and speak with a juvenile officer for a few minutes. Tell them about the situation....let them know you don't want to be dialing 911 every morning, but you DO need to get this child into school - or at least document the school refusal (which is a "status offense" which can be used in court later on to get addtional services for her). Chances are, if you go in very calmly and reasonably as a parent looking for help - you will get some good advice.

Then (depending upon what they told you), you let difficult child know that every morning she refuses to go to school - you WILL be filing a police report because that is the law. If she does not go to school on Tuesday (or whenever)...take a trip down to the police station and ask to file a report. They may take the report - or they may accompany you back to your house to take difficult child to school....but either way, it is a win-win for you.

And if she does get violent - please call 911 no matter what. Anything less than violence, try and remain calm. Try not to engage in any drama...

(((hugs)))

 

[TeDo]

DF has some GREAT ideas. I like the idea of talking to the local precinct so they know what is going on. It will also help YOU if the school should get a bug up their backside and file educational neglect charges against you. If you really do think she is being manipulative, call her bluff EVERY time. She won't go to school, call the cops. If she won't go to IOP, call them and tell them she's refusing and what she's doing instead. If she doesn't follow your rules, she loses privileges, all the way down to the bare minimum....access to food & shelter & health care. If she sleeps 16 hours and you can't wake her, call 911 for an ambulance for an "unresponsive" daughter. The more people you have involved to document the bigger issues, the better for you to get more help for her.

I totally understand the stress. I hope you can find a LITTLE time to just relax and/or do something for yourself today.

 

[DaisyFace]

If you really do think she is being manipulative, call her bluff EVERY time.

Sadly - I don't think it's going to matter whether she's being manipulative....StressedMomma is going to be the one "in trouble" if the child does not attend school. So Stressed needs to get as much documentation as she can that she is doing EVERYTHING in her power as a responsible parent. And then regardless of whether it turns out to be a medical issue or manipulation, Stressed is covered. Heck - if this IS a medical problem....get her to school so the school nurse can document the problem. Document! Document! Document!

 

[TeDo]

DF, I totally agree with the school stuff. That is why I commented about calling the cops every time and 911 if they can't wake her up and the IOP if she refuses to go. When I said if you think she's being manipulative, I meant things like saying 2 days ahead of time that she's not going to school on Tuesday. THAT is the type of thing I was talking about. Until Tuesday rolls around and you call the cops because she won't go, lose privileges for making the threat in the hopes she'll change her mind.

 

[DaisyFace]

When I said if you think she's being manipulative, I meant things like saying 2 days ahead of time that she's not going to school on Tuesday. THAT is the type of thing I was talking about. Until Tuesday rolls around and you call the cops because she won't go, lose privileges for making the threat in the hopes she'll change her mind.

TeDo - You are quite right!

I just wanted to be sure that StressedMomma's hurting heart understood that she cannot waiver even if she suspects that the problem is a medical one. I think we always want so badly to give our kids the benefit of the doubt...

 

[StressedM0mma]

Thanks guys. We are doing everything. We had to reschedule her sleep study because of the psychiatric hospital stay. But we are still going to do it. Her clinician seems to think it is not a medical issue, but wants us to do it just to have it ruled out, and so difficult child cannot use it as an excuse.

 

[buddy]

Hi dear friend..... I have not been online much...still trying to nurse the sinus thingie but did want to check in with you and let you know I am hoping 1. that they say heck no..this kid needs to stay (maybe she will have a melt down like Q when I had to drive all the way home with no kid after going to pick him up???... just thinking of that again makes me so mad once I found out his medication patches had come off and they hadn't noticed! uggg but in your case would just be good to have her get freaked out like you see in front of them)

then second... if she comes home tomorrow (probably right?) I hope she is just all talk, flexing her muscles to provoke you.....

Sounds like you got lots of good ideas to try. I imagine what is so hard about her is what many of us have... she probably does have a medical issue going on but it has been compounded by other issues. And eventually it is hard to tell what comes first or which things to treat which ways... so hard.

 

[pepperidge]

husband with mom with undiagnosed bipolar? Is psychiatrist aware of this? Have you talked to psychiatrist about Lamictal? If you haven't been seeing too much response from Celexa....

Sorry for all your hassles with school. You can definitely request a homework modification. Or a reduction in classload. Maybe if she only had to atttend school part time it would be better.

 

[somerset]

What does the psychiatric hospital say about her planning not to go on Tuesday?

 

[StressedM0mma]

Well, we let them know what her school plan is, and they told her that if she didn't go she will end up right back in there. Yes, psychiatrist is aware that husband's mom is bipolar. She had us get a list of medications that mother in law is on, and the ones that didn't work. So, psychiatrist is onboard with the train of thought that if it works well for mother in law that may likely work for difficult child. I thought the Lamictal was in place of the Abilify? They just upped the Celexa to the max. And, that does worry me. In order to increase, we will have to do a medication switch. We have had really bad luck the other times we have tried.
We are hoping for a modified homework plan. She does not want to drop a class or move down levels. She is adamant about that. And, the psychiatrist and therapist have said that is a good sign that she still has that drive. They said they would be more concerned if she was apathetic. So, we shall see. Thanks for all of the good thought and prayers everyone. It is so nice to know that there are others out there that support us. Most other people try to understand, but they just can't. It is like belonging to a club that no one wants to be a member of.

 

[StressedM0mma]

easy child was running late this morning, and she is so freaked out by difficult child coming home. I just want to cry for her. She does not want her to come home. She said everytime she comes home she gets worse. She is just as anxious and freaked as the rest of us. We all are on edge, and it is causing us to snap at each other. The peace we had in the house is something we had forgotten. I am feeling so bad for easy child, and there is nothing that I can do for her. We love difficult child, but hate the turmoil she can cause. Sigh. I really hope this is the wakeup she needs.

 

[TerryJ2]

I am so sorry for you and your family, and easy child. Sigh.

I agree with-this: So sit down and think about your "worst case scenarios" - think about what you might need to have in place...and think about how you would like to respond. Will you need to call police? Will you need to call school personnel? Will you need to implement some kind of consequence at home? Can you ignore it? Can you walk away?

Make a plan. Calling the police is an option. I would probably not even threaten. I'd just do it and says it's a natural consequence. Also, she IS manipulating you but trying to get you to blow up when she says she's not going to school on Tuesday. Try detachment but if it's too hard, go ahead and use the Ativan. Hey, whatever works!!!

Fingers crossed that today goes well.

 

[StressedM0mma]

Well, we got the call. We are to pick her up at 1:45. There will be no discussion about school tomorrow. It is on her discharge papers that she must attend a full day her first day back to school. It is going to be ugly tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. I am already starting to have a panic attack over it. I am trying very very hard to detach like you said Terry. It is just so hard for me. And I know that just feeds the issues. I am trying very very hard to calm myself. Because when she sees me like this I know it just feeds her thoughts of control. Prayers that our first evening together goes well.

 

[buddy]

easy child was running late this morning, and she is so freaked out by difficult child coming home. I just want to cry for her. She does not want her to come home. She said everytime she comes home she gets worse. She is just as anxious and freaked as the rest of us. We all are on edge, and it is causing us to snap at each other. The peace we had in the house is something we had forgotten. I am feeling so bad for easy child, and there is nothing that I can do for her. We love difficult child, but hate the turmoil she can cause. Sigh. I really hope this is the wakeup she needs.

Can you arrange for easy child to have her own counselor so she can work through difficult child sib issues and to help her learn to deal with stress. My sister is very anxious, has panic attacks etc. One child is a difficult child in the making the other just so anxious because of all the house drama and it is hard for my sister not to let him see her own anxieties and he has not developed the best coping skills. So he goes to a counselor of his own, she is hoping he can gain tools to use and even avoid passing this on to his kids some day... not that it is her fault, not saying that, she just knows her issues do affect them to a degree not to mention the toll that having an explosive sibling has on him.

I would just start chanting a mantra... not my problem... etc. write it out on post its and put them on the bathroom mirror if you need to... breathe, follow the plan calmly, etc. Remember to keep the rules you want from the second she is home, including computer use (no just fifteen minutes more etc... you know she pushes that, smile.....) bedtime etc.

will be there holding your hand thru cyber space!