difficult child draining my life force

[InsaneCdn]

I am almost to the point of taking her to a neurologist just to prove to her she is wrong

Actually, if she IS dealing with depression? There is nothing wrong with "ruling out" all the other possibilities... and it isn't just neurologist stuff, either. Total medical bloodwork check - I don't know the whole list (there was a thread on this around one of the forums not too long ago), but things like thyroid, for example. The more you can rule out, the more the problem boils down to one known problem (depression), and maybe something else that you don't know anything about yet.

But if you have ways of putting her through that process? I'd say go for it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Amelia, I have no wisdom to add to what all the other warrior parents have already told you. However, I can relate to the level of energy you have exhausted in your search for answers, your frustration, disappointment, anger and sorrow.

they really can't understand how stressful it is and the struggle to stay whole and healthy while your grown child's issues are constantly eating at you.

The above statement is certainly one I can understand and have empathy for. I think we all can. I am on a vacation after many weeks of dealing with my adult daughter's latest dramas. She is mentally unstable, makes horrible choices and is presently living in her car with 4 cats. I have long periods of time where I can put it all aside and enjoy myself, and then like an avalanche it comes barreling in out of nowhere......... My only child is living in her car and I am on a vacation. Detachment is an interesting path for all of us, the ability to systematically disconnect from the person you likely love the most, and stay away as they make choices which put them in harms way, or at the very least, keep them stuck. For me, it goes against my perception of motherhood. And, yet..........what can we do? They are adults, they are making their own choices, good or bad, right or wrong, it is now up to them.

I understand your fears about what will she do when you are gone. I have those too. When is it going to be the last rock to turn over to try to help them. Or is there no last rock, is it forever? I don't have any answers, but I can send you hugs and lots of empathy as we all can. That makes a huge difference too. I wish peace for you, moments of calm in the stormy sea you are thrashing about in, strength and courage to stay the course and my heartfelt prayers for you and your daughter to find a way through it all. You are not alone. We are all right here with you.........

 

[Hound dog]

I tend to agree with IC. If her medical is covered (so it won't kill you in the wallet) why not take her to the neurologist as well as get her a full physical? It certainly won't hurt anything, and you can use it to remind her that there is no reason for her not to be able to do what everyone else can do, should there be nothing wrong.

Nichole told me a couple of years ago when she still lived at home that she'd happily live with me forever. She was just stating a fact. We get along great, we're close, we have the same interests. She did well at home helping out ect. But man oh man did that get my attention!! I set her move out date the next day. I gave her about 4 months. I will say it hurt her feelings, because she thought I just didn't want her and Aubrey here anymore. I had to keep explaining to her that while I did want an empty nest someday, that wasn't the real reason. Her comment was like a huge neon red sign in my face that she had NO desire to enter the adult world as long as I allowed her to remain at home. I told her she already handled her and Aubrey's affairs well, and the next logical step was her own place and living independently, that I firmly believed she was ready and would do an amazing job. Now she did everything for herself and Aubrey, don't get me wrong, but she had no desire to take that leap out of the nest. So I pushed her out. Several months after she'd been in her own place she thanked me. And she confessed to having been both hurt and angry over it, but once she was out.....she figured out what I meant.

I have lived in big cities, but nothing like NYC. So I have no clue how to help with the housing or transport issues. Unless she could find a place somewhat close to home where she could pay you or her dad for rides to work and ride along to the store ect.

 

[rejectedmom]

I consider all the time how she will get by without me. That's what prompted the original post. Her response it that she will live on the streets until she dies, because she is too stupid to take care of herself. It totally freaks me out, but she will do nothing to help herself.

Amelia that is so very sad and I truly feel for you and her. Given her disability and her state of mind, could you maybe have her declared incompetant or a threat to herself and force counciling upon her? Often once a depressed person gets into therapy and starts feeling better they begin to want a different life.

 

[Nomad]

It sounds like between the transportation her father is offering her and the special transportation for $1 as back up, she has what she needs in terms of transportation to work in place.
Is there any chance that she could get more hours at some point where she is currently working?
Working part time while she works on her depression issues might be a worthwhile cause.
It is not appropriate for her to "suck the life out of 'you'" period.
You might make her going to therapy and/or family counseling (the two of you together) a condition to living in your home. No matter how depressed she might be, it is not acceptable for her to continually cause you to feel stressed and saddened by the things she says.
Try to let her words go in one ear and out the other.
If therapy, including some family therapy sessions, doesn't provide some improvement, perhaps it is time for her to consider moving in with her father or a close friend.
Oh by the way, if she qualifies for SS disability (you might call the 1-800 number and check it out and also check with her physician), she can work PT as long as she doesn't make over a certain amount per month. I think it is $800 (perhaps slightly more). If it is impossible for her to work more than PT due to a disability, perhaps SS Disability is something to look into.
With SS Disability combined with her PT job, she might have enough to get a place to live or at least share a place with a friend.

 

[DammitJanet]

I have bipolar, borderline and physical disabilities. No I am not blind but still. She needs to be pushed out of the nest. No, not all at one time but in small little steps. She is stagnating living with you allowing herself to believe she cannot do anything. The longer she believes this, the more it becomes a self fulfilling fact to her. Of course she cant live on her own...you are scared too! If you werent scared, you would push harder. Try talking to Voc Rehab.