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Substance Abuse
difficult child Drama Yesterday
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 629353" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>SB, I think you have nailed the two sides of the coin with your post above. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>WE love THEM, so it hurts us not to see them. We are operating at a completely different frequency than they are. We're on one channel, the channel of loving our children, no matter what, and they are on a different channel, the channel of getting what they want from us, no matter what. </p><p></p><p>For a long time, we will put ourselves through whatever we have to, to see them. No matter the cost to ourselves. </p><p></p><p>Because there is also a cost to NOT seeing them. For a long time, it's just more about them than it is about us. </p><p></p><p>And even when it is not, we are still torn. For a long time. </p><p></p><p>I see us all on different boats on a very long river, moving along, sometimes fast, sometimes rocking slowly, coming around one bend and then another, some days stormy, some slower, moving, moving, moving forward. It's a slow and treacherous ride. </p><p></p><p>But what is the alternative? We can pull the boat over to the side at any time, and stop. Many of us do that for a time. Sometimes we need rest, and to just stop for a while. </p><p></p><p>We can turn around and try to paddle back upstream. We can go back to the beginning, when the horror was fresh and new. We can do all of the things we have done over again, hoping for a different outcome. That is the hardest trip.</p><p></p><p>I have come to believe that the way forward is truly the only way, allowing times for stops and rests at the side, for a while. We have to catch up with ourselves. We have to process all of this horrible, awful stuff, and see who we are in the process. </p><p></p><p>We have all changed so much, most of us. We are not the people we once were, and for the most part, I think that is a very good thing. That is the silver lining in the so-dark cloud. </p><p></p><p>We have to keep paddling, friends. Find some way, every day, to put our oars in the water, to find sustenance for the journey, from each other, from our books, from our friends, from therapists, groups, prayer, meditation, exercise, activity, kindnesses to ourselves, gratitude lists. These are the tools of change and of empowerment. </p><p></p><p>Sometimes I have to just sit still, in the water, with no steam to paddle. But those times are fewer and further between. I am so grateful for that. </p><p></p><p>We have to NOT WANT to be stagnant and to be completely crushed by what our adult children are doing and have done. We have to somewhere, somehow, find the motivation and the energy to look up and look toward the horizon and start trying to get there. </p><p></p><p>We don't know what the future holds, and it is filled with uncertainty. Let us be kind to ourselves, and accept ourselves and each other as we continue paddling. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I believe sometimes no contact is the best way to go. I have seen it and heard it here and in Al-Anon. It is a courageous, very hard and act of love for ourselves when we say: No more. </p><p></p><p>"I care enough about myself now, today, to enact the 51% rule. I am at least 1% more important than you are."</p><p></p><p>Wow, what a lesson that is, for most of us, women, who have been schooled in giving until we have nothing left to give. It is in our very DNA to give, to nurture, to put ourselves aside, and then our culture hammers that nail in good. We are selfish when we care more for ourselves than another person, and especially our very own children. We are selfish to put our own needs first. </p><p></p><p>On another thread, we had a rigorous discussion about choice. I know I was so confused for such a long time about this. I wrestled with this and in my wrestling, I did all kinds of things to "help" difficult child. You should have seen me dancing. </p><p></p><p>Because if it's genetic, how is there a choice? </p><p></p><p>I have learned that there is always a choice. The house is messy and I don't want to clean it, so I can lie on the couch or I can do it anyway. I am tired and depressed today, so I can do something to make that better, or I can lie in bed all day with the covers pulled up over my head. My difficult child wants drugs today, but he still has a choice. He can get support and treatment and help for himself not to use, or he can give in to it again. A difficult child has bipolar disorder so he can get and use the treatment for that disorder or he can choose not to. </p><p></p><p>That is the choice. We have a problem, and we can do something to mitigate it, or we can just be the problem. What am I going to choose, today? That is what it comes down to. That is all it comes down to. </p><p></p><p>It is not without compassion and love and support and help that I have come to this conclusion---my son will use drugs until HE decides to stop using drugs. </p><p></p><p>And so....as the days and weeks and months go by, and he continues the downward path, and I wait until he chooses life instead of a slow death, what am I to do with myself? </p><p></p><p>Distance has become my friend. Time and space have become my friend. I have slowly weaned myself from my son, not the other way around. I have slowly learned to let him go. It has been slow and not without its fits and starts and backslides. </p><p></p><p>It is so hard to do this, but in the end, whose life are we able to save? There is only one answer to that question.</p><p></p><p>SB, husband is clear in his view---he wants no contact until JT starts to shape up. I get that, and I so admire the clarity of that wish and that view which seems to be grounded in anger and disgust and disappointment---all good and necessary emotions to have at times. I have them too, and I am grateful for the strength in anger, for the separation in disgust and for the sadness in disappointment, for those emotions move my boat along a little further, and they are natural and normal.</p><p></p><p>It's harder for moms. The clarity is there in flashes, but it doesn't stay. It ebbs and flows and we love them so much. </p><p></p><p>SB, you can only do what you can live with. Tomorrow I go to see difficult child in jail at 2 after his hearing in the morning. I don't know what will happen and what I can live with tomorrow. I will go with my plan, but sadly, I have learned that my best plans are no match for difficult child and his ever-changing circumstances. So I will also plan to be shocked and saddened and upset by whatever happens. And maybe someday---and maybe that day might be tomorrow---I will be pleasantly surprised. Who knows? But I will not expect that, any more. My boat is moving toward acceptance. That is where I want to get to---because close to that shore is more and more peace. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs for you SB. You are so incredibly and wonderfully human in your thoughts and feelings and writings. Have a great day today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 629353, member: 17542"] SB, I think you have nailed the two sides of the coin with your post above. WE love THEM, so it hurts us not to see them. We are operating at a completely different frequency than they are. We're on one channel, the channel of loving our children, no matter what, and they are on a different channel, the channel of getting what they want from us, no matter what. For a long time, we will put ourselves through whatever we have to, to see them. No matter the cost to ourselves. Because there is also a cost to NOT seeing them. For a long time, it's just more about them than it is about us. And even when it is not, we are still torn. For a long time. I see us all on different boats on a very long river, moving along, sometimes fast, sometimes rocking slowly, coming around one bend and then another, some days stormy, some slower, moving, moving, moving forward. It's a slow and treacherous ride. But what is the alternative? We can pull the boat over to the side at any time, and stop. Many of us do that for a time. Sometimes we need rest, and to just stop for a while. We can turn around and try to paddle back upstream. We can go back to the beginning, when the horror was fresh and new. We can do all of the things we have done over again, hoping for a different outcome. That is the hardest trip. I have come to believe that the way forward is truly the only way, allowing times for stops and rests at the side, for a while. We have to catch up with ourselves. We have to process all of this horrible, awful stuff, and see who we are in the process. We have all changed so much, most of us. We are not the people we once were, and for the most part, I think that is a very good thing. That is the silver lining in the so-dark cloud. We have to keep paddling, friends. Find some way, every day, to put our oars in the water, to find sustenance for the journey, from each other, from our books, from our friends, from therapists, groups, prayer, meditation, exercise, activity, kindnesses to ourselves, gratitude lists. These are the tools of change and of empowerment. Sometimes I have to just sit still, in the water, with no steam to paddle. But those times are fewer and further between. I am so grateful for that. We have to NOT WANT to be stagnant and to be completely crushed by what our adult children are doing and have done. We have to somewhere, somehow, find the motivation and the energy to look up and look toward the horizon and start trying to get there. We don't know what the future holds, and it is filled with uncertainty. Let us be kind to ourselves, and accept ourselves and each other as we continue paddling. I believe sometimes no contact is the best way to go. I have seen it and heard it here and in Al-Anon. It is a courageous, very hard and act of love for ourselves when we say: No more. "I care enough about myself now, today, to enact the 51% rule. I am at least 1% more important than you are." Wow, what a lesson that is, for most of us, women, who have been schooled in giving until we have nothing left to give. It is in our very DNA to give, to nurture, to put ourselves aside, and then our culture hammers that nail in good. We are selfish when we care more for ourselves than another person, and especially our very own children. We are selfish to put our own needs first. On another thread, we had a rigorous discussion about choice. I know I was so confused for such a long time about this. I wrestled with this and in my wrestling, I did all kinds of things to "help" difficult child. You should have seen me dancing. Because if it's genetic, how is there a choice? I have learned that there is always a choice. The house is messy and I don't want to clean it, so I can lie on the couch or I can do it anyway. I am tired and depressed today, so I can do something to make that better, or I can lie in bed all day with the covers pulled up over my head. My difficult child wants drugs today, but he still has a choice. He can get support and treatment and help for himself not to use, or he can give in to it again. A difficult child has bipolar disorder so he can get and use the treatment for that disorder or he can choose not to. That is the choice. We have a problem, and we can do something to mitigate it, or we can just be the problem. What am I going to choose, today? That is what it comes down to. That is all it comes down to. It is not without compassion and love and support and help that I have come to this conclusion---my son will use drugs until HE decides to stop using drugs. And so....as the days and weeks and months go by, and he continues the downward path, and I wait until he chooses life instead of a slow death, what am I to do with myself? Distance has become my friend. Time and space have become my friend. I have slowly weaned myself from my son, not the other way around. I have slowly learned to let him go. It has been slow and not without its fits and starts and backslides. It is so hard to do this, but in the end, whose life are we able to save? There is only one answer to that question. SB, husband is clear in his view---he wants no contact until JT starts to shape up. I get that, and I so admire the clarity of that wish and that view which seems to be grounded in anger and disgust and disappointment---all good and necessary emotions to have at times. I have them too, and I am grateful for the strength in anger, for the separation in disgust and for the sadness in disappointment, for those emotions move my boat along a little further, and they are natural and normal. It's harder for moms. The clarity is there in flashes, but it doesn't stay. It ebbs and flows and we love them so much. SB, you can only do what you can live with. Tomorrow I go to see difficult child in jail at 2 after his hearing in the morning. I don't know what will happen and what I can live with tomorrow. I will go with my plan, but sadly, I have learned that my best plans are no match for difficult child and his ever-changing circumstances. So I will also plan to be shocked and saddened and upset by whatever happens. And maybe someday---and maybe that day might be tomorrow---I will be pleasantly surprised. Who knows? But I will not expect that, any more. My boat is moving toward acceptance. That is where I want to get to---because close to that shore is more and more peace. Warm hugs for you SB. You are so incredibly and wonderfully human in your thoughts and feelings and writings. Have a great day today. [/QUOTE]
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