difficult child eligible for parole already!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by rejectedmom, Apr 1, 2012.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    It hasn't even been a year on a 7 year sentance but apparently difficult child is up for parole. The chaplain called my daughter because difficult child "forgot" our telephone number. I do not believe that, I think he just knows that his sister is a much softer touch than we are. Anyway apparently he has to have housing lined up to get out and they are wanting us to help with that.
    They mentioned a mission in a town close by us.

    We have never delt with parole in his incarcirations in our home state. He had probation and could not maintain and ended up back in jail. He always made his own housing arrangements after he reached the the legal age but apparently things are different in his current state. Does anyone have any experience with this? Should we do this for him? I kind of like that he is away and I do not have to worry about him being on the streets or sick or hungry, or of being scammed by him. But I feel it would be mean not to help him meet his parole eligibility requirements. Thoughs? Experiences? I am open to all. Thanks. -RM
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I wish I knew how to help....

    To me, having family arrange housing seems a little strange - but maybe that's the way it is done? The only first-hand knowledge I have about getting out on parole comes from a friend whose exh was in jail. The family received a call to get things ready for the exh to be released, and my friend was asked to go and buy all new clothes for him. My friend told them to stuff it! (Good for her!, in my humble opinion) but he was released anyway. So I'm not sure how much of this "preparation" is actually required from the family.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Never heard of such a thing myself. My one nephew has a revolving door to prison. (I'm not being mean, he really does) I don't recall them ever contacting family to find housing. That is usually the parole's problem to deal with.

    If it were me, I'd tell them he's an adult and it's his problem. This doesn't sound right to me, I mean c'mon, what if he had no family? I wouldn't open that pandora box for anything. And no, I don't think it's mean if you don't help him out.

  4. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    When I did not know where my ex was for several years he was in jail in Utah. I found out when the jail chaplin (or whatever he was in) called me to say he needed a place to stay to be released and wanted us to get back together, and was I willing.

    I politely told the chaplin that I had no contact with the ex and did not know where he was and I did not want to ever see him again. I have always thought that my ex had asked them to make the call because he was released anyway.

    When my difficult child was released from both rehabs I was never contacted in any way. I know here in GA they release a lot for good behavior and to the best of my knowledge they are just put out the door.

    My thoughts are that he may be requesting it himself.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    t is in NO way mean to not help him. A LOT of people do not have family to help them when they are released for whatever reason. You did NOTHING to get him put in jail and all that a parent could to raise in him such a way as to keep him out of jail. There is NO responsibility on you to help him and I would tell them that you are not interested in helping. That this is HIS journey and HIS problem to handle. He made adult decisions to do the crimes and this is part of paying his debt to society. If/when they release him, you may or may not choose to have contact, but you do NOT owe him anything and are NOT being mean to let this be his problem.

    he is an ADULT and it is HIS JOB to arrange his life. At his age you were not in jail and were not having to have people arrange your home. this is part of letting him deal with the natural and logical consequences of his actions.

    My kids already know I won't be any help if they commit crimes and end up in jail/prison. I know my parents wouldn't help ME either.
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you all for your input. We have not yet returned the chaplain's call. difficult child will not live here even for just a day. That is off the table, has been for a long time. I do not know what if anything I am willing to help with. He is MI and BMR but is also very good at getting people to do stuff for him so not sure if that is what is going on or not. husband said he will call the chaplain and see what it is he is asking of us if anything. It could be he just wants imput as to what we think is an appropriate setting for difficult child? I don't know, I just wish this part of my life didn't exist. -RM
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I have no real practical knowledge to help with, however, on occasion I have watched a show on TV called Lockup which is about prison life and it covers many facets of it including when offenders are released and what is expected of them. Here is my thought, perhaps since he is getting out so much earlier, his early release may be contingent upon his getting housing for himself. He may need someone on the outside to help arrange that. It seemed in the particular prison I saw on TV, the prison authorities worked with the family to help the inmate find suitable housing. It was not the parents home or a relatives home, it was a shelter, halfway house, church operated housing, etc. It may even be something in another state, when I saw the show it 'seemed' as if the authorities were trying to make sure the inmate was going into a positive environment where there basic needs would be met. it didn't sound like there was an expectation on the family to provide that, although some might. Let us know what the expectation is, I am curious as others are. One thing is for sure, your boundaries are strict and in place. That is a very good thing. Now you just need to get the facts.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I had put a post on here about housing for families to help & it was for mentally ill people getting out of prisons. It's through the government - I didn't save the link - maybe someone can help us find it - but it had a lot of good information about housing.

    Your son should get a phone call for a couple minutes a week or you can look up his prison on line and put a few dollar credits on his commissary AND if you do not want him to have your home phone - if you have changed it - or he can't remember it - and you don't want him to have it? You can give the chaplain a new one and get a disposable phone and make the area code for a trac phone the area where his prison is so when he calls it won't be long distance for him and you can talk longer without it costing your minutes.

    If you do NOT want to talk to him at all? Fine - but if you feel he's ready for help? And you're ready to reach out? Do what will allow you to sleep at night. You mentioned that you didn't like him in prison but you knew he had a roof over his head, and meals and wasn't on the streets. If that's security for you? Then maybe helphing him get a placement would ALSO be security for you. What he does with it from there? Is a process of detachment for you if he chooses to not stay - and if he does stay and fly's right? Then it's a process of gaining trust slowly - very and painfully slowly. Hopefully a year in prison will have taught him at least that much about trust and not having a family immediately there for his beck and call.

    You can also ask the Chaplain for the parole boards phone number in that state and call them and ask for a few housing and 1/2 way house boarding programs or someone to get in touch with - explain his unique circumstances and see if maybe United Way would know someone too. I don't know if there is a support chat for something like that - maybe there is - you'd have to look. But it's worth googling.

    Hope it works out -
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Recovering, Star and Insane, Thank you for your imput and the link. It is not that we do not want difficult child to have our phone number. We just do not want him giving it out to creditors etc. I do not really believe he forgot it I think he knew we would not accept the charges. But a letter would have done just fine. husband is supposed to call today. I think the misioon would be a good place for difficult child. I used to volenteer for them many years ago and was often the one the people there chose to tell their story to. Many did well it is fath based so not for everyone but difficult child needs an exterior moral compass sine he doesn't have an internal one. Heck we have tried just about everything else except a lobotomy. I do not kow if a year in prison has helped him this isn't the first year he has given up to the judicial system. Hopefully it will be the last. I can only pray it is. I will keep you updated as I find out more. It might all be moot should the parole board deny him. -RM
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry that this is bringing things back into your life that you wish were not there. Others have given you good ideas. I want to put something out there that I may get jumped on for. That is okay (if others object to what I say). I know that others probably won't agree.

    this seems like super early parole. I am not sure it would be a good thing as it would say that even fi they give you a lot of time they don't mean it. If his early parole is dependent on a good housing situation and you do not support the early parole or just want to be far from involved, there is NOTHING wrong with saying you won't help set his situation up or guide him or whatever. It is your choice and only you know if parole this early would just tell him that whatever he did wasn't a big deal (IN HIS MIND - in mine and yours a year in prison s a HUGE deal, Know what I mean??) and it is okay to do it again. Or it imight set him up for failure with parole requirements that he just cannot meet. some people truly cannotfollow all the parole requirements and the violations could add years and years onto their sentence and time on parole. those are cases wehre it honestly might be better for the person to just do the whole amt of time in prison, even though that might sound awful. Better to do 7 yrs than do 1 yr and then add on months here and there for violating parole over and over. I think DDD had a difficult child who kept doing that - her difficult child with the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) was just not capable of following all the requirements of parole no matter what he tried. in his case it was the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) effects and in your son's it might be the MI and BMR that make it near impossible to do what is required.

    I am NOT saying that you should do one thing or another, just that you might want/need to think about this and fi you chose to not help and tell the chaplain/difficult child/parole board that it is a bad idea then it isn't that you are horrible or a monster, just realistic about what difficult child can and will do vs what he can't and won't do.

    WHATEVER you decde to do is what I will support - promise!
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thanks Susie, I think you make a valid point no offence taken. My difficult child could not do probation so it is possible he won't be able to do parole. husband keeps forgetting to call the chaplain so I still don't know what is going on. sigh -RM
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I keep saying and have said for years - The last thing I did is the first thing I should have done, but being human I figured I knew more than the God that 'loaned' my kids to me -and well, (hehe) after all I AM the one that has him NOW right? (sigh) So this last go-round I said "Where ever you take him, whatever you choose to teach him, however hard it is, however harsh it seems? I will do my level best to BUTT OUT. But please remember I am his Mother, and I need help to do that. - And it seemed that day by day, and week by week it got a little harder for Dude, and a little easier for me, and then a lot harder for him, and a lot easier for me, and eventually I actually felt like I was making progress as a parent the day my son said "Momma, I'm sorry, I have really made a mess of my life, maybe God is trying to tell me something and I'm just not listening." Instead of "Yeah Mom well I don't think God knows who I am - the other day I told him if he really was God, to just strike me down with lightning while I was walking I tell him that all the time, and there isnt really a God, there were dinosaurs, caveman, then men - and us.....it's all a joke."

    He's come a long way - he's asked in the last month - for us to help him get mental help, counseling, prayer and he regrets not taking advantage of his therapist when he had him because he was a good man. I nearly fell off the chair. So there is hope - ALWAYS. Sometimes I think maybe The Almighty puts them in the worst places to make t hem realize whose boss. Not us, not them.....and when the message is received, and the kid is humbled? Progress. I hope for your sons sake this has been his process. No matter what it's been up to now......I hope this is where he's gotten to. Not to be preachy or anything - just sincerely hopeful and prayerful.
  14. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you Star. I had tried to stay out of difficult child's life since his last spat of criminal activity also. I stopped making calls to SW at the prison, I stopped taking phone calls from him, stopped giving input to lawyers and judges etc. That might be partly why why he got such a harsh sentance, but I felt it was necessary both for him and for me. Honestly, I do not know what he is capable of doing on his own. He just keeps hooking up with either a girl or some poor sap who feels sorry for him due to the stories he tells. He has been in some good progressive living programs where he could have stayed for life and worke and earned an apartment for himself but he keeps walking away. He cannot tolerate authority or anyone telling him what to do. I dohope he can change but I cannot make him. It is up to him and his higher power.

    husband called the chaplain yesterday but only got voice mail. so we are still inthe dark. -RM
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    It's just my thoughts - but a "prison" chaplain is probably NOT going to be as easily buffaloed with "OH I've changed, I'll do good preacher" as a guy in a Wed/Sun. church situation may be.

  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    husband called but got no answer again. Oh well. -RM
  18. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Im in a very similar situation-my difficult child is in jail-actually TURNED HIMSELF IN!!! He had missed a court date and after hiding from the police (they came to the house twice in one night last week, looking to arrest him) he told me he couldn't live like this anymore. I was floored-the first mature decision he has made in years! But now he has been in jail for 10 days and won't be in front of the judge until Friday 13th (!) and I think his release is contingent upon him having a residential rehab to go to. He only gets 3 five minute calls to find somewhere, so now is calling me with horrible regularity to find a place for him. It's exhausting. I gave him the numbers but he says he doesn't have enough time to call them (what?). I want him to be safe when he gets out, and not homeless but why is this MY job? Plus, because he has two domestic battery charges and an assault charge (all against me) the places I've called won't take him. The violence only occurs when he drinks, so why won't they help him to be sober and then he won't be violent...

    Sorry I don't mean to hijack your thread, but am seeing similarities in our situations. I hope we both find peace of mind as we struggle with our decisions! Any advice for me would be greatly appreciated, too.
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hello Blackgnat, Welcome. I am truly sorry for your pain. I hope you will start your own thread so you can get all the support this board has to offer. Just go to forum, Parrent Emerus and click on the start new thread button at the top of the page. I have gotten so much from the kind people who post here. -RM
  20. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    OK here is the scoop. husband finally talked to the chaplain and was told that difficult child is definately up for parole but it is not all that likely that he will get it. He also said that difficult child is supposed to find housing by working with the planning officer at the prison. He asked that we reinforce that to difficult child. It sounds like my son has been latching onto the chaplain and the chaplain is trying to maintain some distance and also concerned that difficult child is getting his hopes up too much. husband is going tto write difficult child a letter to address all of this. I am just staying out of it.