difficult child failing school - suggestions/advice?

[smallworld]

I agree with Pepperidge that you shouldn't hold out too much hope that allowing your son to fail will be enough impetus to turn him around. My own son was failing at life -- socially and academically -- and it was almost as if he was paralyzed to do anything to dig himself out of his hole. We knew we only had two years to turn things around (once he turned 18 we couldn't force treatment), and we felt he had too much potential to allow him to go down the tubes. He is a bright, empathetic, insightful and creative kid, and all those wonderful qualities are emerging again now that he's beginning to feel better about himself.

My son was not out of control when he left for wilderness. He was medically stable. But he felt as if he had no control over his life, so he used oppositional behavior (passive aggression) as a means to exert power over the things he thought he could control (school, his sisters, etc). Since wilderness, he has become unbelievably cooperative.

We've been told that 85 to 90 percent of teens who attend wilderness programs go on to either a therapeutic boarding school or an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). The reason is that wilderness programs are generally short (average stay is 8 weeks), and change is not lasting in that time. Wilderness has 3 purposes: assessment of the problem, beginning of accessing therapy and recommendations for future treatment. For our son, he was not open to treatment when he went to wilderness, but his 8 weeks in the wilderness opened his eyes to a new way of thinking about himself and his need to change. He was not ready to come home at that point, but he was ready to go on to a longer-term treatment facility where he could begin to start the hard work of making those changes.

by the way, it took us a long time to get to this point, and I was ready a lot sooner than my husband was. In fact, as much as my husband is pleased with our son's progress, he is still despairing that our son is not living at home this year.

 

[susiestar]

I totally agree that it isn't rational to expect failing to motivate a student like your son to turn himself around. If that were all it took, a few tests or projects with failing grades would at least have some effect on his behavior.

Chances are it will take something pretty big to change his behavior at school. He simply may have talents and interests that are far from those that school typically nurtures. Long ago he might have chosen an apprenticeship or farm work rather than going on to high school. In today's world that is not really an option if he wants to have a decent life.

What ARE his talents and interests? What is his learning style? Does he learn better from hearing something or reading it or watching it in a video format? Was he the type of small child who had a hard time learning the days of the week or the ABC's but could make intricate lego creations or play a musical instrument wonderfully?

Is there a way to tailor his education to his interests and learning styles? The years we homeschooled Wiz were often that way. The first year we spent mostly in therapy and doctor appts. They literally ate weeks at a time. He worked on workbooks and read voraciously during that time. When we got more used to homeschooling I set up his lessons around what he was interested in. Usually he got to help pick the topic. Partly this was because we struggled with his overwhelming obsessions. So I did pokemon math, english and science. I made up gym activities that had to do with pokemon. Or with the very few other things he was able to focus on besides pokemon. If I hadn't done that he would not have learned.

Does your son have any subjects that he is intensely interested in? Can you arrange schoolwork using that to hook his interest? I know it is harder at 13, but is it possible? Also, have you looked into online classes? Our state has contracted with a company to provide free online high school and now middle school/jr high also.

As for wilderness programs and Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, the largest reason that they do not work in the long-term is that parents see progress and want to bring the child home too soon. The child needs to be away from his normal environment more than just a summer or a few months so that the new thinking patterns and reactions can be firmly set into his brain. He has to really let these new thoughts and behaviors become his natural reactions. This is why most successful programs are NOT a few months of boot camp or whatever.

Heck, even the military doesn't just cut a soldier loose to go and do a job right after boot camp. They go on to further training most of the time. It really helps them embrace the new realities of their life in the military.

 

[Wonderful Family]

I agree; I don't think necessarily letting difficult child fail is the right answer; just no clue what to do. Something husband and I really need to look at if we don't see him trying. The reality is I don't know that he can actually do the work at school - some days yes, some no.

The passive aggressivness is really horrible in the last couple of weeks. easy child asked me this morning on the way to school if I would like difficult child to attend HS away from home, like a college. I took the 5th - after easy child said he was sorry, he shouldn't have asked that because I can't answer that kind of question - and he's only 7. Teachers/other adults continuously surprised at easy child's level of emotional maturity and how easily he reads people; for a while there, it was required for his own safety and survivial.

I don't know what to do, I know difficult child really is sick, I just get so tired of dealing with the behavior. I think I've also reached the point where what was acceptable 6 months ago (because it was an improvement) is no longer good enough and my tolerance is quite low. We had a great run for about 6 weeks this fall, wonderful birthday - and now we're back where we were before. Not horrid, but still miserable.

Failing school will, I'm sure, just makes things worse, that was why we pulled him and put difficult child in a private school a couple of years ago.

Home schooling is not much of an option for us; difficult child would never begin to cooperate. difficult child has no real interests outside of an online game he plays with his Dad; but we're not talking about a gamer who will do nothing else (that's husband).

We'll see how it goes; I also just have to remember that this is still such a better Christmas season than we've ever had before and I'm sure that is part of it. It's been a while since holidays were the "joy" that they are supposed to be; still good, but we have to anticipate difficult child's triggers constantly during this period.

My poor sister is dealing with my difficult child mother; I don't have the patience to deal with any of her antics at the moment myself.