difficult child getting married to a underage sex offender

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Masta, Sep 7, 2007.

  1. Masta

    Masta Member

    I had been concerned over the last week coz I hadn't heard from difficult child which has been unlike her since she has told me she is preggers. I was going to go to her soon to be in-laws house to go check on her, as I was about to leave I receive a phone call from her soon to be father-in-law.

    Wednesday evening the b/friends dad (future father-in-law to difficult child) called me asked if he and his wife could meet with us last night at 7pm at house to discuss the wedding, I said sure but I need to ask hubby .. they have no phones to contact them back he called me while he was at work. these people have had home phones, cell phones but cant seem to pay any bills so they get them turned off
    if you had read my previous post it seems they are using my difficult child for money.

    back to the father-in-law...I asked my hubby if we should go he said yeah.. but he wants to know a little more before we get there coz he doesn't want to be put on the spot.
    so I call back say we will go but I want a few more details since I hadn't heard from difficult child in a week. I get the details that they have organized stuff, paid deposits on a building for the reception, bought a wedding dress, got invites all without consulting me, but want me to pay for it all.. the father-in-law gives me the phone number to to his daughter cell phone to call difficult child

    I call..... I get her b/friend I ask to speak to difficult child he says no.. she is asleep at 7pm and doesn't want to wake her coz she wil wake up cranky... I ask him what's going on what needs done.. his mum starts yelling out in the background all the wedding plans ....difficult child wants hubby to walk her down the isle and that I will be standing at the end of the stairs to hand difficult child her flowers and then walk with difficult child and hubby to the alter. see they planned it all but want me to pay. I said wait a min I have been robbed of planning things with difficult child and she is the bride yet b/friend and his mum have planned it all and you just want me to hand over cash and you have given me 2 weeks notice, I thought you had it all under control and that I was going to be invited as a guest. he says no we made no plans nothing is set in stone (yet they have a wedding dress and are about to send out invites) we want to meet with you to make plans .. get ideas...and then get cash. sheesh I don't even know the exact time of the day my difficult child is going to get married and all of this is suppose to happen on 22nd Sept 2007!!! you have to remember difficult child and her b/friend and in-laws and siblings all went to California 2 weeks ago on difficult children money.. in-laws decided difficult child and their son were going to get married.. they lived it up in Disneyland and mesquite gambling to come home and cry poor but they want to get married.

    I said I was going to be blunt when talking with him and I only speak the truth and I expect the same back.. I then said any other family would tell you to F.. off if he asked any other family for cash without being the ones to help plan their daughters wedding.. but I am not going to verbally abuse him but all I want to do is support my daughter.
    b/friend said fine (gotta remember he is 17).

    yesterday I get a call (supposedly the in-laws daughter always has her cell and no phone in the house) it's the boyfriend on his sisters cell phone. he says my parents don't feel right about having this meeting so we are canceling plus they are busy. I said yeah... ok... now what's the real reason.... coz I won't jump to your demands... he said you interrogated them yesterday (which I didn't coz I mainly spoke to the b/friend and briefly to the dad while he was at work). b/friend said he would make sure difficult child calls me when she finishes work.

    I get a call from difficult child....she acts like she knows nothing.. but she really does (she loves to play the innocent victim) im sure she listened to the whole conversation while pretending to be asleep. hubby wanted to go get her yesterday morning and take her away from these people coz they are brainwashing her, he wants her back home which is so unlike him. difficult child wants me to make peace with b/friend and his parents coz it was all a communication problem, so I can pay for the wedding.

    I have just found out difficult child's b/friend was charged with sexual assault and has been in the juvie justice system and has had a probation officer. he was in high school he got a jnr high girl and assaulted her.
    difficult child doesn't know I know. difficult child told her foster sister she knew he was a sex offender but didn't care. difficult child told me he was wrongly accused of a crime (which is a lie)

    I knew b/friend did something wrong to end up in the self contained class for boys, but his parents wouldn't tell us(during a case meeting concerning my difficult child leaving care to move in with them) what it was for. I called and spoke to the lady who runs the self contained classroom, b/friends parents threatened her if she told and they also threatened my difficult children case worker if she looked up his case coz he is a minor.

    the teacher has taught difficult child for a few yrs and once she found out she difficult child was with ehr b/friend she knew something was wrong.
    b/friend had a girlfriend right up until difficult child got preggers he was causing problems at the school with this girl who was also in the self contained classroom. teacher says b/friend is a habitual liar.
    b/friend is checking out a new girl at his work, he left his 2nd job.. even though they have no money.

    the weird piece to this puzzle is b/friend mum (future mother-in-law to difficult child) use to deliver bunches of flowers to difficult child without the boyfriend present to difficult child while she was in foster care. she also arranged everything for her son to propose to difficult child and made sure she was present during the time it happened.

    I spoke to difficult children old dcfs case worker she said if difficult child is willing to leave these people she will set her up in a apartment near us with whatever she needs. one part of me wants to rescue difficult child but the other part of me knows difficult child will not listen and she will always associate with crazy people like herself.

    difficult children case worker, foster mum and teacher are is telling me to get difficult child aside and tell her she has a way out but knowing her she will think im not supporting and go more towards this family then listen to me
    she lives in a fantasy getting married having a baby. hubby says its easier to let her get married coz in a few mths they will be divorced.

    my concerned is for difficult child but more so for the unborn baby. I have a funny feeling the mother-in-law controls everything and I wonder once the baby is born is she will try and take the baby away from difficult child so difficult child can then pay them child support since they are so money hungry people.

    how should I handle this problem so I don't loose difficult child... should I detach form the whole situation? should I attend the wedding? should I still pay for some of the wedding even though its all based on lies? should I help get difficult child away from these people?

    I read the detachment website often used on this board. this morning I thought to myself difficult child is always going to be surrounded in drama and I don't want any part of it anymore. im tired of loosing sleep over her and not being able to focus on my other kids and my marriage coz she constantly has crap going on in her life due to her poor choices.
  2. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Wow. Lots of issues.

    Bottom line is that your daughter is 18 years old. In our fine country she is considered an adult ... which effectively means that you can't do anything to stop her from marrying this young man.

    If she will listen to you, I would try and talk to her. Would she listen to any rational adult in her life? The foster mom? The case worker? Has she been to a Crisis Pregnancy Center to discuss her options with someone who would be less emotionally involved? Someone more objective?

    Our daughter got pregnant at 17. They wanted to get married immediately. We all sat down together and we voiced our concerns, helped them look at a budget, gave them some goals (IE: finish high school, save some money, grow up a little bit) and they - thankfully- listened. They waited another year and a half before they married. So maybe talking some sense to these kids would help. Might not too. Especially since his mother is making this easy street.

    If she won't listen ... there is really nothing else to do.

    Should you attend the wedding? I probably would.

    Should you pay for the wedding? I probably wouldn't. Especially given the fact that you have been left entirely out of the planning. And who knows ... if theres no money there may be no wedding.

    I'd be letting Child Protective Services know about your concerns so that they can monitor things when the baby's born.
  3. Wow Masta, what a terrible situation. I don't know what to tell you. My first inclination would be NOT to pay for the wedding. I mean, you've been left out entirely of the planning.

    And then too, I would'nt feel comfortable with my difficult child marrying a sex offender. I realize she is 18 and it is HER choice and there is not much you can do about it. But to pay for her to actually marry this guy seems almost like condoning it. If you didn't know it would be different, of course, but you do and I think that makes a difference.

    I would probably ask to sit down with her (if she would agree to this) and very frankly discuss what you know and what your concerns are. Tell her you know about his history and that you frankly don't feel that knowing what you know, that you can be part of this farce (uhm wedding). Her reaction will probably be very difficult child like, but at this point, who cares? I mean, she's marrying a sex offender and bringing a baby to the mix.

    And I agree with goldengure, I would call cps once the baby is born and let them know what is going on.

  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest


    I wish I could offer some advice on how to counsel your daughter, but I really don't know which way to go on that one. Knowing me, I would have to say something, but I can see how that would alienate her, too. Your husband may be right in that marriage and divorce might be faster.

    On paying for the wedding, though, a resounding NO. I can just see how this will play out. First it's the wedding. Then they want you to buy this or that for the baby. Then they need money to pay the water/electric/gas...you don't want your daughter and grandchild to live somewhere with no utilities, do you (oh, the sob stories...)? A wedding is a luxury. They can get married at the courthouse cheap. I did and I survived.
  5. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    This seems like so much for you to handle!!!! First of all, if you are to pay for all of this ask to talk to the people who are renting the hall, ask for prices and receipts for everything and then and only then if you still want to pay tell them you will pay half. Don't go on their word as to how much it costs they'll jack up the prices.
    Second it sound like if you are able GET difficult child AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! They sound totally out there. No phone, no money, but yet are taking trips and planning a big wedding????
    I do agree with the statement about them taking the baby for child support. They may be the kind of people to use anyone even an infant.
    difficult child is 18 and may not listen to you, true. Is there someone she holds in high regard? Someone who she may listen to? Try anyone!!!
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Hi, I wouldn't pay for the wedding, but I would go. These people only want money. ONLY. When they saw you wanted to talk rationalably, they couldn't be a party to that anymore.Not when they were trying to play you for a fool. Then they went on a vacation. Nowthey're poor and want money from YOU? Once the baby's born I think there will be even more problems. All you can do is let your daughter know that she can always call you and you will come and get her. And you love her. Tell her to call the cops if anyone lays a finger on her. This family must be REALLY poor if thet are expecting your daughter,a teenager, to pay half the bills. Calling CPS once the baby is born sounds like a good idea. -Alyssa
  7. blb

    blb New Member

    Here's another vote for no money for the wedding- go as a guest only if they want it done by the 22nd.

    If they want your money, then you tell them that you get to plan it and they can send you their guest list, but limit it to x amount of people...and then put the whole thing off by a few months to try to get difficult child away from future-hubby-of-the-year :hammer:

    It has nightmare written all over it. Sorry this one is yours :faint:
  8. Masta

    Masta Member

    Thank you to all who posted.

    my concern is if b/friend already assaulted a girl who is to say he wont do it again and the victim will be difficult child or the baby.

    Teri (aka goingcrazy2): you hit the nail on the head.....

    i emailed caseworker, foster mother and teacher today and here is what i wrote:


    As you know I have been in contact with all 3 of you yesterday. I haven't slept well in days worrying about the situation difficult child is in.

    difficult child doesn't know that I know about what b/friend has done. I think the next time I see or speak to her I will inform her that I know about b/friend and that I would prefer if she postpone or put off the wedding. I will then let her know that I am there for her, that she doesn't have to feel stranded at b/friends house, she does have a way out if she wants it. I will inform her the State is willing to set her up in an apartment if she chooses to leave b/friend.

    i will also let her know that i will attend her wedding as a guest if i am invited but i will not be contributing financially to her wedding.

    I wanted to plan a get together with you 3 and just have difficult child there so we all talk to her about things but after reading the detachment website I have come to the realization that no matter what I do for difficult child there will always be drama concerning her. I cannot bail her out of trouble the rest of her life.. its too tiring and I have others to think about.

    I would like your input on this, or ideas.



    p.s caseworker if you have any CFTM (child and family team meeting) meetings notes typed up from after March onwards could you please email them so I can get a better picture of the time line of difficult child meeting b/friend. I have a funny feeling I will need to start documenting things because the inlaws seem to be like like to type to start trouble. plus who knows what's going to happen with this family and how they are going to react once I let difficult child know I know about b/friend.
  9. Masta

    Masta Member

    I have written a letter to difficult child explaining how i feel about the whole situation. i plan on handing her this letter tomorrow. here it is:
    difficult child, I really want to sit down and talk with you about your relationship with your b/friend. I feel if I was to do so we would end up saying things we really don’t mean. I have put allot of information into this letter that I want you to think about. Having it written will allow you to read it over. You have a big decision ahead of you.

    It has come to my attention that b/friend is a sex offender and has been in the Juvenile Justice System along with having a Probation Officer. I will not disclose where I got this information.

    I am concerned about you getting married to him. If you feel like you have no way out and no where to live since leaving care and would like to leave the b/friends home you can. All you need to do is let me know.

    I do not like to be lied to, about the whole situation concerning the b/friend. A relationship with others should be based on trust, not based on a big secret lie.

    I cannot believe that anyone would want to plan a wedding within one month. Expecting others to jump in and save the day once they have already made plans, have put down deposits and paid for things. I have been told nothing is set in stone from the b/friend, but it has; the date, location, wedding dress, choreography and invites. This is not how a wedding is planned.

    It’s unfortunate that more money was spent in California than on the most important day of your life. It seems like that trip has taken from your wedding. To bad the b/friend and his family insist on it being so soon.

    It was the b/friends and his dad who contacted me in search for money. They asked for assistance and naturally I asked about the plans. I’m not sure why they cancelled their invitation to discuss it; of course I was going to have questions. It was our candid questions that revealed their attempt to manipulate. I guess they sent us away, declaring it interrogation, because their manipulation was revealed.

    I wish to attend your wedding if you will invite me. I also wish to remain a guest only, in order to support you. I cannot support your b/friend and his parents knowing that they kept such a big secret in order to get you out of care. For this reason we will not financially help you with your wedding to your b/friend. To do so would be saying your dad and I condone this wedding. I don’t think marrying this quickly is a good idea, at the very least you should postpone it in order to think things through.

    I felt, since the day you found out that you were pregnant, that b/friends mom and b/friend have been controlling you. It seems you really want to please them, and you are going along with what they say. This is no way to live. b/friends mom is grooming you to accept how she would like things. Will you accept living like this throughout your marriage? b/friend has assaulted a female once before. Who is to say he won’t do it again, to you or your baby. I know more about b/friend then I choose to tell you at this time.

    All I can say is…be careful. I will always love you and be there for you and your baby.

    Love, Mom
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't give them a dime. That should about take care of it...

    I'm so sorry! That's just insane! :frown:
  11. KFld

    KFld New Member


    Sounds to me like they have protected him for his entire life from his consequences and choices and that is what they are still doing by not allowing you to be involved with the wedding, in anyway besides paying for it.

    I'm afraid if you pull difficult child aside and tell her there is a way out, she will run right back to them and turn against you. Be very careful in how you handle this.

    The only thing I would do right now is make it clear that if you have no part in the planning, you will have no part in paying. Don't try to manipulate the situation between her and boyfriend because you would probably be the one who would lose right now
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    I would not pay for anything for the wedding except your's and husband's plate cost (dinner) I would figure on $30 a plate and give them $60.
    The wedding gift should be something engraved that can not be returned - like a frame with the wedding date and names engraved in it.

    I think you are right to detach. There is no way to win this one. difficult child (being a difficult child) will have to learn this one the hard way. You will be there for her when she does.
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    First of all <<<hugs>>> :flower:

    You are going through a tremendous amount, and I think you are handling it extraordinarily well. I like the verbiage of your letter to difficult child, and the fact that you are refusing to give any money from this point forward. I think that was a highly important step. Are you also going to call CPS to get them involved as soon as legally possible? I don't know of time statutes - if the baby has to be born or not - but I would call them now to let them know this child is being born into an unsafe situation.

    Just a few thoughts on things you can do to, while still keeping your boundaries, to keep the baby healthy.
    -Can you get one of those phones that has just a small amount of pre-paid minutes just for difficult child to use? Or, maybe there are phones kinda like walky talkies where it calls only your number to theirs? Worth researching.
    -Buy difficult child pre-natal vitamins?
    -Offer to take her and pay for all her doctor appts.?
    -Get her some what to expect when you are expecting sorta books?

    And again, I would consult with CPS, and start working with a social worker now if at all possible. Have you done background checks on these parents? That could be important to do before you call CPS.

    Hang in there, and keep us posted.
  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    First, I'm so sorry you're going through such an ordeal with your difficult child.

    I have to say that I personally would not make the connection between the planning and the paying the deal breaker for me. For me, my not paying for the wedding would be more about the fact of how inappropriate a union like theirs is. They are too young, he is underage, it's too soon, they do not have any foundation whatsoever and the only reason they are sticking together is because of the pregnancy and his family's push and because your daughter is drawn to people who are troubled losers.

    You have said that your difficult child constantly runs around with inappropriate crazy/troubled and backwards people, right? So, why would you consider financing a marriage into a family like that? It's pretty apparent that his family is pulling all the strings in this relationship. A marriage is between H & W, not their families. When they are mature enough and SMART enough to understand what a marriage is and really and truly want to commit to the same, then they will realize that it's just a piece of paper and legality - not a show - and they will get married according to those standards....not because his parents are telling them to and wanting you to foot a huge bill to do so. I think it's very ballsy of your difficult child, the boyfriend, and his parents to even suggest that you contribute to the cost of this sham of a wedding and marriage!! It isn't law that a bride's parents have to cover the cost of the wedding and if you do not agree with the match, now is the time to say so.

    Yes, your difficult child may run right back into their arms, but she's already doing that, right? Even if you miraculously manage to get her away from the boyfriend, who will the next guy be? You said yourself that she makes the same choices in losers time and time again, right?

    I like the idea of speaking with her and telling her how you feel and what you know about the boyfriend and his family. Then let it go. As far as attending the wedding - go with your heart. But remember, if you refuse to pay, she may very well disinvite you. Personally, I'd be okay with that after the way you've been treated and spoken to.

    ps: Incidentally, I'm not against 'grand' weddings, they can be lovely. What I AM against is extorting the bride's parents of their savings just to put on a show. That's not right in my opinion.
  15. Good letter Masta, hoping she thinks it through and sees the light. You have let her know why you are concerned while at the same time letting her know you are here for her and the baby and always will be, I hope she will respond. Hugs,
  16. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Masta,
    I agree wholeheartedly with JoG on this. My objection to this wedding and therefore paying any part of it would be because of how inappropriate it is. I would have absolutely nothing to do with any of it and I would be very clear with my dtr and her future in-laws that I am not a fool and can see what they are doing and refuse to be part of it. I do think it is good you are letting your dtr know that there is a way out of this mess if she wants to get out of it.

    So sorry--glad you are detaching!

  17. Masta

    Masta Member

    I just wanted to answer some of your questions

    My daughter is on WIC (Women Infants and Children program).. they provide prenatal vitamins, free protein & calcium enriched foods etc. difficult child does have prenatal books etc.

    I placed difficult child in foster care voluntarily approx 2yrs ago because we exhausted all our possibilities of helping her.

    difficult child will get free medical, mental health and dental till she is 21yrs. She will also get free schooling and her case worker from Dept of Children and Family Services (DCFS or CPS) as you call it knows fully whats going on. i have kept her informed of everything. she has met the b/friend and his family several times, she released difficult child from care righgt into the arms of these weirdos not knowing the full story.

    I have the support of the DCFS worker, her foster mom and her self contained classroom teacher (these people and myself were apart of the Child and Family Team Meetings CFTM along with the guardian ad litem etc) .. all of which still care allot about difficult child but do not have any control over the situation like myself, because difficult child has finished school.... and has left the States care early August this year. The only reason difficult child was released from care was coz the weirdo family offered to help difficult child by allowing her to move in with them and told all us us on the CFTM that difficult child would be looked after.

    difficult children DCFS case worker has approx $2000 emergency funds per year for difficult child till she is 21yrs and will get more if its needed. case worker has offered to set difficult child in an apartment if difficult child wants out of this situation.
  18. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I am glad she has a way out as well. You know that sometimes mom has to step back and let the chaos erupt for a daughter to see she has made a bad choice.

    I would state my feelings about the entire situation and then detach from it all. As long as she understands how you feel about it, when she does want out she will know that you are on her side and will be there for her.

  19. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I agree.

    What a horrible situation for you to find yourselves in. I am sorry for your pain, and for everything this child has put you through.

    If it were me, I would be learning how to protect the baby. What rights or obligations will you have if things turn out as badly as it sounds like they are going to?

    difficult child is making her own decisions, and it seems like the only thing you can do is tell her you wanted better for her than this and that you refuse to support her in the choices she has made. The baby, however, is innocent. You may need to protect him or her.

    That is where your focus needs to be now, I think.

    It is simple to say: I wanted better for you and I refuse to support this in any way.

    No money for the wedding, no attending the wedding.

    No pretending that what is happening to your daughter now is okay with you.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you, and to your daughter.

  20. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I wonder if it is a good idea to write her a letter that she can hand to Bfs family and they can use against you??

    I would invite her to lunch alone. tell her all that in person. not in writing. offer her a way out.

    if she chooses not to accept, then at least you will know you warned her.

    do not contribute to the wedding. go as a guest and buy them a gift for the baby to be only.