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difficult child Got Married
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 638563" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome Walkinmyshoes. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation with your daughter. It is a very painful experience. I'm glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is giving you enough information about her present behavior that would warrant you to make the difficult decision to detach from her and begin the process of acceptance of what is. Most of us here get to this point and hard as it is, it becomes imperative to learn how to let go. Not an easy task, but a necessary one for our own health and well being. With a Borderline (BPD) diagnosis, unless your daughter is willing to get help, there is nothing you can do.</p><p></p><p>Try to put aside what others believe about your parenting, unless people have walked in our shoes, they do not understand the devastation involved and our lack of control. </p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, it is helpful. </p><p></p><p>At this point in your relationship with your daughter, it seems the next step is to access what it is you need to be responsible for, since she is now married and 21, any financial assistance, tuition, etc. should move over onto her plate and off of yours. If you fear for your safety or the safety of your home, you may consider a restraining order as well. It's tough for us to get the magnitude of our kids severe negative choices sometimes, we can't always see clearly, so it is important for you to take the necessary steps to keep yourself and your resources safe. Make sure she is not capable of stealing any money from you and doesn't have any ability to use your credit cards. We've all heard many stories of theft and manipulation sometimes in the realm of the insane and ridiculous but nevertheless, exceedingly harmful to the parents.</p><p></p><p>I hope you are in some kind of supportive environment, as in therapy, a parent group, any place where you can be heard, get understanding, compassion and guidance. You might give NAMI a call, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have wonderful courses for parents and offer a wide variety of resources for us. You can access them online and they have chapters in most major cities. You will likely need help to move beyond the sorrow, the guilt, the anger, all of which are normal reactions to the kinds of behaviors you are dealing with.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes the only way we can "love them in a way that keeps everyone else safe", is to distance ourselves from them and their behavior. We always love our troubled kids, however, we can't always live within the insanity they call their lives without it doing extreme damage to the rest of us.</p><p></p><p>Make yourself and your husband and your other daughter the priority now. Take very, very good care of YOU now. Shift the focus off of your daughter and put it on to yourself and the rest of your family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 638563, member: 13542"] Welcome Walkinmyshoes. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation with your daughter. It is a very painful experience. I'm glad you found us. Your daughter is giving you enough information about her present behavior that would warrant you to make the difficult decision to detach from her and begin the process of acceptance of what is. Most of us here get to this point and hard as it is, it becomes imperative to learn how to let go. Not an easy task, but a necessary one for our own health and well being. With a Borderline (BPD) diagnosis, unless your daughter is willing to get help, there is nothing you can do. Try to put aside what others believe about your parenting, unless people have walked in our shoes, they do not understand the devastation involved and our lack of control. You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, it is helpful. At this point in your relationship with your daughter, it seems the next step is to access what it is you need to be responsible for, since she is now married and 21, any financial assistance, tuition, etc. should move over onto her plate and off of yours. If you fear for your safety or the safety of your home, you may consider a restraining order as well. It's tough for us to get the magnitude of our kids severe negative choices sometimes, we can't always see clearly, so it is important for you to take the necessary steps to keep yourself and your resources safe. Make sure she is not capable of stealing any money from you and doesn't have any ability to use your credit cards. We've all heard many stories of theft and manipulation sometimes in the realm of the insane and ridiculous but nevertheless, exceedingly harmful to the parents. I hope you are in some kind of supportive environment, as in therapy, a parent group, any place where you can be heard, get understanding, compassion and guidance. You might give NAMI a call, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have wonderful courses for parents and offer a wide variety of resources for us. You can access them online and they have chapters in most major cities. You will likely need help to move beyond the sorrow, the guilt, the anger, all of which are normal reactions to the kinds of behaviors you are dealing with. Sometimes the only way we can "love them in a way that keeps everyone else safe", is to distance ourselves from them and their behavior. We always love our troubled kids, however, we can't always live within the insanity they call their lives without it doing extreme damage to the rest of us. Make yourself and your husband and your other daughter the priority now. Take very, very good care of YOU now. Shift the focus off of your daughter and put it on to yourself and the rest of your family. [/QUOTE]
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