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difficult child Got Married
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 638584" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am sorry this is happening. The pain and the shame are real. Your mission, should you choose to accept it (Remember that old television show, Mission Impossible?), is to thrive, to love your life and be oh, so conscious of the joy in it, whatever this troubled child presents with ~ next, and in the years to come.</p><p></p><p>You did nothing wrong enough in bringing this child up to justify or explain what has happened, to account for how everything turned out, or you would have identified and corrected it by now. You loved your daughter and raised her well. You got outside help for her when you realized that, however much you loved her, it was time to acknowledge that your child needed more than you could give her.</p><p></p><p>I did that, too.</p><p></p><p>I was like, this great mom, I thought. You could have blown me over with a feather when this happened ~ and kept happening ~ to all of us.</p><p></p><p>I have never been able to figure out why, either. </p><p></p><p>In my secret heart, I am deeply ashamed, too.</p><p></p><p>And just when I think I have come to some sort of balance with everything? BOOM. Something so horribly out of left field happens that I am knocked back to the beginning.</p><p></p><p>This helps me:</p><p></p><p>Brene Brown researches shame, and has written a number of books addressing how best to face and survive it. If you google her name and TED talk, or her name and YouTube, you will be able to get a flavor of her writing. I found her books very helpful.</p><p></p><p>Annie Lamont, also a wonderful writer, tells us there are really only three prayers: </p><p></p><p>Help!</p><p></p><p>Thanks!</p><p></p><p>and WOW.</p><p></p><p>That helps me.</p><p></p><p>Maya Angelou. There is strength in her writing, there is a way to see our lives differently in her writing, and I need to know how to be strong. But I need to know how to do that without bitterness, and without losing hope. Maya has a cookbook out. If you haven't read her yet, I would start there. There are only twenty recipes, but each contains a story, a piece of wisdom, given in one to two pages. I think it is called The Halleluiah Kitchen. </p><p></p><p>There is a song, "Halleluiah", that strengthens me. It speaks to me about what it is to love a child who is self destructing. One day, you realize you have survived it, that your expectations have changed. One of the memorable lines for me is "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken halleluiah."</p><p></p><p>That's how I feel, too.</p><p></p><p>Tired, and sort of...triumphant.</p><p></p><p>I'm still standing, still learning how to do this, still doing the best I know.</p><p></p><p>You can google that song, if you think it might help. It somehow addresses the shame and the tiredness and the loss of the dream, for me.</p><p></p><p>Cherish yourself through the shame of it, through the grief of that lost dream of her wedding. These are the kinds of private pain no one who has not lived it could understand.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing, to watch the dream we believed we were living fall away from us.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing, to understand that others are judging us for what is happening with our troubled kids. The truth I have learned, over the years, is that I have (and you have, too) parented with a loving intensity that was never once rewarded in the ways the parents of a normal child are rewarded ~ with knowledge that my child was stable, and happy, and would be fine. But we love them and love them anyway, and we believe in them long past the time the parents of normal children might have turned away.</p><p></p><p>We need to learn compassion for ourselves. It has been a long, thankless journey for us.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry, so sorry, this happened to you. But the time will come when you can view the strangenesses that happen with this child you love with compassion, deep compassion, for yourself.</p><p></p><p>And even, for her.</p><p></p><p>You are here with us, now. Hearing our stories and sharing your own will strengthen you. I am glad you decided to post. Read the information on detachment Recovering has posted for all of us. Try to learn as much as you can about enabling and what it is and what it means. When we love a troubled or self destructive child, these new ways of understanding how to parent, and how to see ourselves, and how to survive what is happening without bitterness, are very helpful.</p><p></p><p>Welcome, walkinmyshoes.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 638584, member: 17461"] I am sorry this is happening. The pain and the shame are real. Your mission, should you choose to accept it (Remember that old television show, Mission Impossible?), is to thrive, to love your life and be oh, so conscious of the joy in it, whatever this troubled child presents with ~ next, and in the years to come. You did nothing wrong enough in bringing this child up to justify or explain what has happened, to account for how everything turned out, or you would have identified and corrected it by now. You loved your daughter and raised her well. You got outside help for her when you realized that, however much you loved her, it was time to acknowledge that your child needed more than you could give her. I did that, too. I was like, this great mom, I thought. You could have blown me over with a feather when this happened ~ and kept happening ~ to all of us. I have never been able to figure out why, either. In my secret heart, I am deeply ashamed, too. And just when I think I have come to some sort of balance with everything? BOOM. Something so horribly out of left field happens that I am knocked back to the beginning. This helps me: Brene Brown researches shame, and has written a number of books addressing how best to face and survive it. If you google her name and TED talk, or her name and YouTube, you will be able to get a flavor of her writing. I found her books very helpful. Annie Lamont, also a wonderful writer, tells us there are really only three prayers: Help! Thanks! and WOW. That helps me. Maya Angelou. There is strength in her writing, there is a way to see our lives differently in her writing, and I need to know how to be strong. But I need to know how to do that without bitterness, and without losing hope. Maya has a cookbook out. If you haven't read her yet, I would start there. There are only twenty recipes, but each contains a story, a piece of wisdom, given in one to two pages. I think it is called The Halleluiah Kitchen. There is a song, "Halleluiah", that strengthens me. It speaks to me about what it is to love a child who is self destructing. One day, you realize you have survived it, that your expectations have changed. One of the memorable lines for me is "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken halleluiah." That's how I feel, too. Tired, and sort of...triumphant. I'm still standing, still learning how to do this, still doing the best I know. You can google that song, if you think it might help. It somehow addresses the shame and the tiredness and the loss of the dream, for me. Cherish yourself through the shame of it, through the grief of that lost dream of her wedding. These are the kinds of private pain no one who has not lived it could understand. It is a hard thing, to watch the dream we believed we were living fall away from us. It is a hard thing, to understand that others are judging us for what is happening with our troubled kids. The truth I have learned, over the years, is that I have (and you have, too) parented with a loving intensity that was never once rewarded in the ways the parents of a normal child are rewarded ~ with knowledge that my child was stable, and happy, and would be fine. But we love them and love them anyway, and we believe in them long past the time the parents of normal children might have turned away. We need to learn compassion for ourselves. It has been a long, thankless journey for us. I am sorry, so sorry, this happened to you. But the time will come when you can view the strangenesses that happen with this child you love with compassion, deep compassion, for yourself. And even, for her. You are here with us, now. Hearing our stories and sharing your own will strengthen you. I am glad you decided to post. Read the information on detachment Recovering has posted for all of us. Try to learn as much as you can about enabling and what it is and what it means. When we love a troubled or self destructive child, these new ways of understanding how to parent, and how to see ourselves, and how to survive what is happening without bitterness, are very helpful. Welcome, walkinmyshoes. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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