difficult child has gone off the deep end

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Feb 23, 2014.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    In the last 24 hours, she has claimed to be pregnant, have iritis and a cyst on her colon, and stage two anal cancer. Busy little beaver, isn't she?

    We have repeated over and over that the only thing that we will help her with is rehab and sober living which she refuses to do. So, we also suggested that she terminate the pregnancy as she is still drinking, taking xanax, and god knows what else and refuses to go to rehab to stop those behavoirs for the baby's sake. She says that she won't do that and this time (she had a previous abortion) and she is going to do everything it takes to "protect her family" except of course get sober.

    So her solution is to blackmail us. She says that if we don't give her $1000 by tomorrow at 1:30 she will release damaging information against us that she has collected over the years about what terrible parents we have been and personal information about her sister. She knows that we live in a very conservative area and figures my suggestion to have an abortion will "ruin my reputation" with my students' parents.

    I told her that I had contacted Facebook and told them about the threats and they said that if she followed through to let them know and they would delete her account. I told her that so now she says she has an alternate plan to "expose" us if we don't pay up by 1:30.

    So we have now blocked her from all contact with us. She says she is desperate and hungry and doesn't have gas to get to her new job in the morning. There is a bus system which she refuses to take. Before I blocked her. I suggested food banks or to contact a crisis pregnancy center that would help her find resources if she truly wants to have this baby (if she is truly pregnant which I doubt).

    Nope, none of that is good enough for my difficult child. We OWE her this money according to her because I gave birth to her. The $100,000 we spent for rehab obviously means nothing to her.

    I have been reading Codependent No More and the author clearly states that we need to let her finally face the consequences of drinking which made her lose this job and put her in this predicament.

    So we are holding strong but I don't know what tomorrow will bring. She gave us a 1:30 deadline before she "releases" this damaging information in a blog that she is writing.

    I guess I will just have to release her two mug shots (she was arrested about a month ago for having xanax that was not prescribed to her) and her long history of mental health issues along with her heroin use. I don't think she will have much credibility after that.

    I never thought it would come to this. She actually had been doing well for a while. I really believe I hate her now.

  2. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Oh Kathy I am so sorry. Wow, this disease gets down in the dirt and is awful-ugly. Our precious children are wearing these masks and we don't even recognize them anymore. Who IS this person we gave birth to who can say and do such ugly and awful things---many directed right at us, us who have given and given and given, and still would give, ANYTHING, if they could be okay.

    It's unbelievable and I can only lay the full faith and credit of it all at the feet of the 40-foot-tall monster called ADDICTION.

    Remember, Kathy, this is NOT your daughter talking. This is her DISEASE, and it sounds like it's at full throttle.

    That doesn't take away the hurt, I know that. That doesn't take away the pain and the suffering and the anger and all of the emotions that come with living with this and loving someone who is in the grip of this monster.

    Let her post and preach and spread the word, Kathy. You'll have to anyway, you can't stop it. Like we can't stop any of this. So just let it be. If she does, you'll deal with it and she will show herself to be the person she is right now. And the people who count will ultimately see her and it for what it is.

    I am so sorry. I say it again as I read your post again, trying to make some sense of the insensible.

    Kathy, you and husband know the truth. You know what you have done. You know who you are. You know who Addiction is, and that it has taken over your daughter right now.

    It sounds like she is ramping up, and sometimes that is good, that means another bottom is soon to come. May it be the one YOU have been waiting for.

    Keep posting here and take what you like from what I have written and leave the rest. I am praying for you and your family, and your daughter, right now. I am praying all good things for all of you.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Kathy, I am sooooooooooo sorry. Your daughter's illness has really taken a turn for the worst. I don't have a lot of wise words. I just hope things settle down, you find that Daughter isn't pregnant, and that nobody reads her blog. Why would they?

    Hoping you find some peace and serenity in the near future and hoping that Daughter finally decides she is so far gone that she needs help. Gentle hugs.
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I only have gentle hugs and lots of caring thoughts and prayers.
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't know, Childofmine. Is this the disease talking or is this who my difficult child really is and the alcohol just lessons the inhibitions and she shows her true self.

    It is such a dichotomy. When the coworker from the last job called because she was worried about difficult child. she said that difficult child really had a good heart. I've heard that from people before. But then she does something like this. A person with a good heart would not be trying to hurt the people that have done everything in their power to help her out of love for her.
  6. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Kathy - you must feel as though you were kicked in the gut. I know your mommy heart must be hurting and I am so very sorry that she is using and hurting you once again. My heart aches with yours and I want you to know WITHOUT A DOUBT that you are a wonderful mother, a wonderful friend and someone I would trust with my own life. You have done everything possible to help her plus 100 things more. I will be holding you close in my thoughts and in my heart.
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I SO agree Kathy!
    Makes me wonder too...my difficult child also has a "good heart" but can be absolutely ruthless at times! I think her behavior definitely screams out BIPOLAR in my mind...and she's drinking and taking xanax too...YIKES if she really is pregnant!

    What she is doing...threatening you...this extortion kind of behavior IS illegal. I would call the law if necessary.

    I would treat her like the enemy right now...this is just me.
    I am so mad at your difficult child as I know you all have given her EVERYTHING possible to get sober and stay sober. How dare she!

    I will pray for you guys later when my anger has subsided.
    These "difficult child"s sometimes act like Satan's spawn I swear!

    Just feeling your rage...and probably some of my own.
    Stay STRONG Kathy.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh Kathy, I am so so sorry you are going through this. I was so hopeful for your difficult child!!

    So she is clearly in the desperation of her addiction and my guess is she is desperate for drugs, and therefore money and that is why she is being so terribly awful, manipulative and is trying to blackmail your good mommy heart. Yuck.... it really sucks big time.

    You are being strong and clear and standing firm and that is all you can do right now.

    Hold your head up high..... what will happen if she releases all this stuff is it will be clear to those that know you that she is a drug addict (if they dont already know). So be open about that if people ask and remember this is not your fault, she is an adult and will be making this crazy decision and my guess is people will feel bad for you as she will seem pretty nuts.

    Please keep us posted. I will be thinking of you. I doubt she is pregnant as well..... and I also doubt she will post all this stuff but if she does stand strong and be proud of who you are and all the ways you have supported and loved her. Now it is truly up to her.


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  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so very sorry Kathy. I know how much you wanted sobriety and a better life for her. You gave her so many opportunities, you did more than anyone could expect from a parent. I'm sorry she didn't want it for herelf. I hate this disease, I hate what it does to our loved ones and everyone it touches.

    There is not a person on this earth that knows you that would even question your character or the character of your other daughter.

    As TL said, hold your head up high because you know the truth. I doubt whether she will do anything, this is all about blowing smoke hopefully. Desperate ramblings from a desperate soul.

    I wish this all could have been different for you. I really hoped your difficult child was beating this. You are in my thoughts my friend.
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I am curious.... where is she coming up with these diseases she claims to have? I can understand where she comes up with being pregnant and cancer... but iritis??? I have had iritis and most people have never heard of it so how did she come up with that?

    You of course probably dont know the answer but it just seems strange to me... is she trying to diagnose herself somehow?


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  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry Kathy...........sending you hugs and prayers............
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Kathy, I do think it is the disease. There are just too many people experiencing the same types of things you describe, where the person affected with the mental illness (addiction is a mental illness, too) continues to blame anybody and everybody for their situation.

    They are so mad that we won't do the things we used to do so they can keep on doing what THEY do.

    My son can go on and on about how EVERYBODY has "done him wrong." From his high school teachers who were out to get him---every single one of them---to me, who has done nothing for him, as he told me last week multiple times. I haven't helped him a bit. And then he said "F___ you."

    He is furious because I won't take care of him anymore. Now, he has to face the consequences of his own actions or he can find another fool to take care of him...for a while anyway.

    You wish you could video them for a day and show them the video. Would that even break through?

    Kathy, I am sitting here thinking about what I would do and feel if my difficult child pulled the "$1,000 by 1:30 thing." It's so outrageous.
    It almost defies a response, except really? Well, I hope you don't hold your breath waiting.

    Also the ailments. My son has a lot of ailments as well. One he likes to pull is he is bleeding from his rectum. One time when he was in jail he said he had the guard come and look in the toilet to see the blood because they didn't believe him either. He pulled that one on me last week and I needed to drop what I was doing and bring him some clothes NOW.

    Who knows? I used to react to all of that stuff and of course, it's like the little kid telling the funny joke. We laugh and so they tell it over and over again. So we will laugh again.

    Except I'm not reacting anymore. If you're bleeding, you'd better get to a doctor. And like someone else on this board posted: my difficult child knows about emergency rooms and doctors. I don't need to tell him.

    I am thinking about you today and the threat she has posed, all the way from Florida, to "put you in your place." Expose you to the world. Wow, she is so powerful.

    Kathy, it makes me so mad, this expense of energy from her instead of using that same energy to take care of herself.

    We are here for you, feeling this with you, surrounding you with care and support and ready to listen.
  13. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    OMW, Kathy, I'm so sorry. You, husband and easy child don't deserve this AT ALL. Many of us here have experienced the wrath of the difficult child, and how they victimize while playing the victim. An old tactic, but nonetheless very hurtful. I feel your pain, and am sending gentle hugs. Keep that rhino skin for protection, too.
  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I agree that it is definitely the addict talking. My daughter used to say some CRAZY stuff, too, remember? Bullets whizzing by her head? People out to kill her? She was SO convincing, too. She was crazy and MEAN. It would completely shock me how MEAN she could be. We were blamed for everything. I chose my husband over her (even though she was only 2 years old when we got together). I loved her brother more. Oh she had such a horrble childhood. She just loved to play the victim. Especially when it got her what she wanted. She was the most manipulative person I knew. And I wondered, was this her?? I mean, she was ALWAYS a difficult child. I was convinced it was her true personality and that even if she ever got clean, she would still be mean and crazy.

    But that couldn't be farther from the truth. She is truly a very, very dfferent person today. She is a beautiful, wonderful person that makes me shed tears of pride now rather than anger and hurt.

    As for the blog? Who is going to read her blog that even matters in your world? I suggested an abortion to my daughter, too, because of her drug use. I had that thrown in my face a few times before she changed. But no one fought harder for my grandson than I did when she didn't abort and she knows that.

    I am so sorry that your difficult child is spiraling right now. This could finally be the turning point, but SHE needs to decide that she is finally done with this koi. I agree when people say treatment will not work if the person does not truly want help. It really hoovers wondering what it will take for that lightbulb moment to hit but I hope it hits soon...and I definitely would not give in to her demand for money...
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending very caring and supportive thoughts your way. Truly it is an ongoing saga of MH and SA illness. I'm sending a prayer your way. in my humble opinion, by the way, I would not respond to "whatever" she says or does. If asked by others about her behavior I would simply reply "we would appreciate any good thoughts or prayers sent her way". To me that is the most likely way to end the issue. I would, tho, keep notes or copies of her choices in case it helps her or protects you all in the future. Hugs DDD
  16. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Kathy, I'm so very sorry to hear this. I wish there was something to do besides sympathize and keep you in my prayers.
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lol PG, who is going to read her blog that matters in your world is right.

    How are you doing today Kathy?
  18. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We were put in a very bad position so we had to send her $630. It was her tax refund that she had agreed for us to file and keep since we had lent her that amount of money (along with thousands of other dollars). I didn't get it in writing, though. So she started demanding her tax return and husband said he did not want her reporting us to the IRS since we didn't have any documentation that was really money she owed us.

    So he texted her back that even though it was once again her going against her word, he would put the money in her account today. She had the nerve to to demand $400 more since she had to pay her car insurance and needed money for food and gas. She is also demanding that we pay for a plane ticket for the supposed baby daddy to fly to Florida. That all is not going to happen.

    My niece in NY actually called the police where difficult child lives to report the extortion. They said that they would have to catch her accepting the money. So we would need to provide them with the email and text threats and then send her the money by a moneygram and they would be there and arrest her.

  19. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    She is so uncomfortable in her own skin that she is doing her damnedest to get under your skin.That ole difficult child trick trying to remedy their own misery by making others more miserable.

    She is poking you all with the proverbial stick trying to get a reaction. Do not react. Do not panic. It's like a toddler tantrum, your only hope is to ignore. Ignore it, ignore HER. Do not engage. She isn't making any sense and you cannot make sense TO her. It's an exercise in futility and it's no longer your job to do it. I know I have been in similar shoes and kept thinking that I needed to get through to my kid and the more he acted out - the more I amped up my own reaction. It never helped - I never got through to him - all I did was break my own heart.

    {{{hugs}}} dear friend.
    Lasted edited by : Feb 24, 2014
  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I don't know what the laws are but I am sure if she called the police making crazy claims against you....all you would need to do is explain that she is a drug addict trying to manipulate you into giving her money....she would get nowhere.

    Like the time my son called the police on us telling them I would not give him his bottle of prescribed Vicodin since he had his wisdom teeth out. The police came and I said my son has a drug problem and I am not giving him a bottle of Vicodin ....I am giving as prescribed. The police talked to him and he stormed up to his room! Lol.

    So when my son threatens us with legal action I look at him and tell him go right ahead.

    Hugs TL

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