difficult child husband

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by ready2run, Oct 10, 2011.

  1. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    there should be a section for those of us who's husbands(or wives) or ex's(difficult child's dads or moms) are difficult child's themselves. yes it is obviously hard for us to raise kids like this but having a partner who is out there like that is just as difficult.
    tonight, i opened my ebay and found that husband had ordered a bunch of video games and game systems and movies on MY credit card. now, this is after i told him last week that my card was maxed out and i needed to make an extra large payment on it this month to make sure the interest next month would be covered.....*sigh* so he goes and spends a bunch more on it, i don't even know why it let him but i dread the bill that is coming because there has got to be some kind of fees associated with all these purchases past the limit. this is after a couple weeks ago he spilled coffee all over his(supposed to be our?) laptop and HAD to get a new one right away when we couldn't afford it. the funny thing about that was that he told me i wasn't allowed to use the(our)laptop because i was not 'responsible' enough to look after it properly(Okay there!) for the spending, he thinks it's okay because i bought two things for myself on ebay this month so he should be allowed to buy something too. my total was about $32. his, for the games and laptop and movies and new mouse is at least $1000. plus i pay the bills not him, and he can't see the difference. so i tried to tell him that i think i deserve to buy myself something small because i do most of the kids stuff for all the kids, some of which are his not mine. i have to go to alot of meetings and appointments and i NEED to look descent to be taken seriously. i also quit smoking and he still smokes so that is a big expence he has, as well as his stupid WOW memberships and character needing new gear all the time. i swear, he's just as bad as a kid only he knows how to access more stuff and i can't ground him or send him to his room.
  2. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    He sounds like mine and let me tell you what I did. I have an account with just my name on it. I did not give him the pin to the debit card on that account. We have an account with both our names on it. His check is direct deposited into our account. I go online and transfer the money (minus his spending money) into my account. Then I can pay bills. This is not full proof. This is the level of intervention he had to have before he would stop spending thousands of $. My next step would've been to have his check direct deposited into my account, but he stopped spending before I insisted on that.

    The emotional toll on our marriage lasted about a year after i did this. But I like a roof over my head and hot running water. It was this or he was sleeping in his van in the middle of winter and he knew it.
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) OY! Sounds much like mine.

    Did I read correctly? Pretty much he makes the money and you pay all the bills? If that's correct, STOP THAT NOW. Well, not exactly, but you really have to modify it. One of my biggest regrets in my marriage was thinking that I had all the power because husband turned his paycheck over to me. WRONG! He always insisted that since he made the money, he was "entitled" to stuff, but since he had absolutely zero concept of what our bills were, or grocery expenses were, well, he was just clueless. I did try getting him involved, but he didn't want to. See, that was his MO. If he didn't know how bad it was, he didn't have to act responsibly.

    So, my advice is to make sure he does not have access to any of your CC or web accounts. Do not store your passwords in the browser. Make sure they must be typed each and every time. Start making spreadsheets of the weekly/monthly bills, and show them to him. Doesn't matter if he's not interested. You put it together and show him what is left at the end of each week/month. Leave those lying around where he smokes (hopefully outside). If he has credit cards that are only in his name, make him make his own payments on them. If at all possible have 3 checking accounts - his, hers, and ours. Ours is used to pay all the bills and any large purchases you decide together. His and hers are where an "allowance" to each of you goes and you can spend that money any way you wish - smokes, video games, accessories, etc. You, being the awesome wifey that you are, can even concede that since *he's the big strong man that makes all the money* that his allowance will be bigger than yours (just make sure it's not enough to cover ALL his childish expenses.)

    I so wish I had done this. I *thought* I had control, but ultimately I had none. I was constantly trying to balance the bills and his fragile yet entitled ego.
  4. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Keista, so what would you do when he spends every dime of the money in the ours account on himself in stead of on bills? And you still want to be married.
  5. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    he does not work. he won't and he can't seem to hold down a job anyways. he gets too frustrated and he isn't careful so it never works out well. i can't because i can't leave the kids with him all day. i gave up my career when difficult child (his son) moved in with us and i figured out that husband could not care for him and no daycare would take him. so the money we get right now is a disability amount that i get for myself(for stress and anxiety, i can't imagine where that comes from) and difficult child's money. the money comes in my name and into our account. my credit card was hooked up through paypal which is how he got access to it. he does seem to think he is entitled to all sorts of things because he is 'the man' and that it shouldn't matter what happens to the money i get because it was free anyways. well, other than costing me my sanity i suppose. he knows what the bills are but for some reason can't connect that 1+1+1=3 and that i need what is there to pay for what we need and can't afford everything we could ever want. i cannot even keep cash in my wallet anymore as it disappears on me and he always says he doesn't know what happened to it but the kids are not old enough to take my money other than my 12yo but she never buys anything and hates malls/shopping and won't try anything new so i know she's not taking it. it's just so frustrating because it doesn't matter how many times i try to explain it, he always says he knows and then keeps going on the path he's on like i didn't say anything. in the past i have cut him off from all money and even had our internet cut off at one point because i could not get him to get off the computer and help with the kids. now he only goes on it when they are napping/asleep or he at least asks for permission first and has to have had some chores done or spent time with the kids.(which i know is not right but it has to be like that.) he is like a 30+ year old teenager living in my basement.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    OH my. I am so sorry. Single lady here so no advice. Can't imagine. (but I am not signing up for match.com) I sincerely hope you can work things out. You dont need another kid to care for.
  7. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Mine has his own room in the basement, too! Wow this is eerie. Mine can hold down a job, but not one that will support all our bills. I'm having his mom come to help him find a better one or a second one. He has been "looking" since May. What he actually does is play computer games in his room. I'm swamped with the kids and can't manage his behavior too. (Or I would) Before difficult child 1's behavior hit the roof I was filling out applications 4 - 6 hours a day for him. Now I just can't.

    I understand staying for difficult child's sake. He is so lucky to have you as a step-mom.

    Keista, that is a great idea about making sure he knows about the bills.
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    He doesn't get to. The "responsible" one pays the bills and pays for the big purchases out of that account. He can spend and overdraw his account all he wants.
  9. keista

    keista New Member

    That's why you have to print it out on a spread sheet and SHOW him. I'm sure he's smart enough to understand what you are telling him, it just doesn't sink in.

    I have a degree in accounting and have worked as a bookkeeper and and accounting associate. Personally for me it still did not really sink in until I started writing out my own bills. I had to see all the money in and all the money out, on paper all at once, otherwise the numbers got jumbled in my head, yes even though "I knew better"

    I'm not saying this will "cure" the husband money problems, but it should help.

    by the way next time he tells you it's "free money" ask him when you guys are going to get a "free house" and "free groceries" and "free electricity" to go with that "free money"?
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I was going to say cut up the credit card, but I'm guessing that's how you're getting the disability. That's what I had to do with ours years ago when i discovered that husband had no brain when it came to spending.....especially if he never saw the cash.

    You could keep the card on you at all times as well as any cash. That would at least limit his spending.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'd be reversing the credit card purchase, even if I had to declare it to be fraudulent. He would get access to as much or as little money as you could afford to let him fritter away, and nothing more. If he wants more, he can go out and earn it. Bills come first.

    We have had to tightly control the disability money that came in for our boys. As each one was old enough to get disability in his own right, we went into the bank together and set up an accounting system to control the money flow. The money would come in to difficult child's account on Day 1. It would take a couple of days to be certain it was in, sometimes it might be late and arrive on Day 2 or Day 3. So on Day 4, we had the bank transfer the bulk of the money to an investment account and also pay regular bills. This would leave about $50 in difficult child's card access account to last him two weeks. We discussed with him how much he should have easy access to.

    The investment account we set up with two signatures needed - his, and mine.

    So how this worked - as pension day was coming up, I would make him give me his card. The account was generally empty anyway, so there was no point him having the card if he couldn't spend anything. If he had the card when the money came in but before the transfers happened, difficult child would think, "Wow, I have more money than I thought," and do on a spending spree. Then the transfers would try to happen and he would get overdrawn and the bills would not get paid.

    it took a few years, but difficult child 1 learned to manage his money this way. daughter in law now watched the budget but difficult child 1 is able to understand how to be careful with spending. A great improvement.

    difficult child 3 - we have fewer controls because the bank has changed how it does business. But he is better at managing, too. We still have the transfer happen, but difficult child 3 watches the calendar and manages to keep on top of things not too badly. We don't have automatic bill paying, either, but require difficult child 3 to withdraw money to pay his own bills. For example, he repays us for his medication (because his disability includes a medication allowance).

    We had a situation with easy child once. Her luggage got stolen while at a camp, and their insurance covered it. They sent a cheque in her name to help replace the stuff. She went and spent it all on designer clothes, and had no money left to also replace the stolen suitcase itself or the sleeping bag. And the amount of clothing she was able to buy was miniscule compared to what was stolen. So we made her take it all back to the shop. We went with her, explained the situation. We helped her shop thriftily and it was a valuable lesson.

  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is money that you get for disability and that difficult child gets for disability or for child support, right? It is time to have it ALL put into an account that is ONLY in your name. ALL monies, even what difficult child receives, goes there. Or else start a separate acct for difficult child's money and you have control of it. husband should have NO access to the accounts. Give him a certain amount and don't do anything else with the account. Let him know that if he goes overboard he is NOT getting anything to cover that money. Set up difficult child's account to either have just your name or to need 2 signatures, one being yours. Let him know that if he EVER forges your name on ANYTHING then you are going to do X, Y and Z and that can include calling the police to press charges. Make sure that X, Y and Z are things that you will do, esp if you use calling the police as one of them. Make them things he HATES. If he is lke your children, he probably has his own sensory issues. Be creative. Just don't do it if you won't follow through.

    In addition to the new accounts, figure out a hiding place for the credit cards. Change the paypal account so that he can't use it. Make the password something that he doesn't know that would be hard to figure out. "idiotdh" comes to mind, lol. I used to use passwords like this when husband pulled stunts like this. He never knew because he couldn't use the account and I wasn't going to tell him. It was just my own passive aggressive way to vent, Know what I mean??

    As far as cash missing from your purse, why does he still have hands? I would have at least threatened to chop them off if husband took $$ out of my purse.

    Have you gone to marriage therapy for this issue? It is needed to help him grow up and see how this is very wrong for him to do, how it hurts not just you but also the kids, and how it is driving a wedge itno the marriage. If he refuses to go, then you need to figure out if this is really how you want to live the rest of your life.If you decide this is a big enough issue (it was for me), then figure out how to make not going a deal breaker in your relationship.

    Have you looked at your credit report in the last few months? And at his? It can be scary but it is info you need to have. Years ago husband and I did credit counseling. I checked my credit and learned I had three credit cards I knew nothing about. husband took them out and had me listed on the accounts. They were maxed out. With e-statements from many credt card companies, it is super easy to hide this from a spouse. that wasn't around back then so husband had everything sent to his work addy. This is why we went to credit counseling.

    I STRONGLY recommend credit counseling for the two of you. husband needs someone other than you to tell him why it is wrong to do this. It was not an easy process for us, partly because we would work out a budget giving certain bills a certain amt, and then if the company billing us called and pushed him for a payment, he gave them a lot more than we agreed on. It took tme for him to realize this, but it did get through and helped a lot.

    What are the natural and logical consequences of him spending all of that $$, besides you returning anything you can (which I strongly recommend)? Generally it isn't good to drag kids into marital problems, but maybe the kids need to start hearing that you can't afford this or that or something got turned off (like cable tv if you have it) because Daddy spent the money on his video games. I am not sure I could go through with that, but I would start making husband do a LOT mroe wth the kids to "earn" whatever cannot be returned. If what couldn't be returned couldn't be easily sold, I would shred it or destroy it with a hammer or saw or something.

    You may want to tell him, every time he says that the $$ is "free", that your disability $ is something you paid for with hours of pain and problems. It is also YOURS and until he has gone through what you did that made you disabled, plus the paperwork for disability, he has NO claim to the $$ and NO right to get upset over what you spend it on.
  13. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    Already - I am longtime single and most probably biased - and have a fairly short BS limit. I probably should keep my opinion to my mself in this regard, buuuuuuuuut I just gotta ask, why are you staying with him???? In addition to your children you are living with an irresponsible adult child that is freeloading. If this was an 18 or 20 year old young adult child not working, mooching off you and not otherwise participating in the household chores and on top of that stealing from you and wasting money on stuff that you cannot afford, everybody here would advise you to cut your losses, and put him out so he can grow up and learn how to be a man.

    I think you really need to have a good long hard look at your life, your increased stress levels and added financial difficulties due to this man in your life, and maybe have some counseling and therapy for yourself to get some clarity. You would not take this kind of abuse from an older child - why would you live with a life partner who goes out of his way to undermine his families financial wellbeing? If you can't afford therapy, you ought at least go to Alanon for real life input/discussions/sounding boards etc.
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2011
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It's scary how many of us have financial stress generated by our husband's. Sometimes I think that it has to do with traditional male ego. When things aren't going well the ego gets damaged and then spending becomes a magnet to make them feel "manly" and not like a child being controlled by a Mom figure. Going "without" seems to be easier for women. How I wish it wasn't true! DDD
  15. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    Kiesta, you are right. maybe i do have to spell it out more clearly for him. i had my first child at 17 and have been doing the budgeting and everything on my own since i was pregnant for her and moved out on my own at 16. i don't think husband has ever had to budget anything. when he was with his ex he worked most of the time and handed over his paycheck to her. after that he just kind of floated around until we got together.
    mum, i get what you're saying too. if he was an adult child of mine i would totally kick him out. believe me i have thought of leaving many times and how much easier my life would be if i did. the problem is that if i went then difficult child would stay with husband as it's his son and i don't think that's a good idea. i would also have no help at all. i mean, husband causes alot of stress and has his own problems but he is also the only help i have and i think i would have a breakdown if i couldn't at least get the bit of help i get from him. i made a commitment and i don't want to go back on that if i don't have to. sort of a 'i made my bed and now i have to lie in it' type thing, i suppose.
    husband has made some improvements in the last few years. he used to pester me all the time about money and follow me around NEEDING twenty bucks here and ten bucks there all day. now he is usually pretty content with the $60/week i give him and it lasts him the week most of the time. i can send him to the bank or the store now with a list of things to get/pay and he does it where before he's cut down the payments and pocket the rest. this is in part due to my insisting on a receipt for every penny he spends and if it's not something i approve it comes out of his 'allowance'.
    as for difficult child's money, that comes in my name. he is only 6 so he has control over what i do with it and no real understanding of money or how money works at this point. he is still learning his alphabet and how to count.
    susiestar, i already have bad credit. i don't even know how i got a credit card. i put husband's name on my bank account with we bought our house because the house is in his name and my dad's name as i had too many outstanding student loans i can't afford to pay right now. i will think about opening another account without his name on it again. i actually have most of the money in envelopes budgeted weekly so i know i have x-amount of dollars for the first week of the month and so on. i put them somewhere i know he'll never look. i will have to think about better consequences for him when it comes to money. i just hate having to 'punish' him because i know he is going to say 'you are not my mother' and i am quite aware that i am not his mother.