difficult child Ii

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by amazeofgrace, Apr 26, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    difficult child II is raging because I have asked him to clean his room b4 we go out for the afternoon, I know I know choose my battles, but he's been so manic he has dumped everything everywhere, including the rest of the house. I have picked up the rest of the house and have asked him to just do his room, well he is not (of course) and is screaming like a maniac and smashing the door repeatedly. I feel so done, I am just so done, I feel guilty for wanting him in a residential school, because I know all the SW's and support does not think he's that bad, but they're not living with him 24/7, and as he gets older and bigger and stronger I can see me running away from home if they do not remove him 1st, sigh............
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    How old are your difficult child's?

    I am sorry you are going through this. These are exactly the times I hope someone can come on and say, "Try this". How can we get our difficult children to calm down when we are fighting our own emotions to keep calm?

    Is it really o.k. to just walk away and let the rage/anger run its course? Are there any ideas out there to help the calming process?

    I keep looking and hoping.

    Let us know how this turns out - especially if it is a good ending - I know I can use all the good news I can get.
  3. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Don't you find youself wondering, why is everything so hard? I agree that it's a pick your battle kind of thing but at the same time, you don't want to have to clean up after him constantly and you'd like to help to develop some level of personal responsibitity for his stuff. We have suffered some huge meltsdowns over this very issue. Is it worth it? I'm not sure. Sometimes, I let it go and sometimes I insist on it getting done-this can be ugly at times. I just asked my difficult child to pick up the few toys that were in the family room so that we could go outside. Instead, he is in the process of dumping bins in order to find just the thing to play with. He is not angry at the moment but will be when it is time to clean everything up. Isn't this a logical consequence of making a mess? So when the time comes, I will probably weather the meltdown to prove the point that he needs to clean up his things. Will it help? I doubt it but I am not going to clean up his messes constantly just to keep the peace. So difficult child just comes in and says he's ready to go out. I ask if the family room is clean. He yells and stomps off saying that he is tired of being told what to do. Now he is back to playing in the family room. I suppose round 2 will commence as soon as he tires of what he is playing with now.
  4. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    "Maniac" is just "mania" with a "c" on the end of it.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Long ago we stopped fighting the battle of "clean up your room". We banned food and drink from the bedrooms and made them bring their washing out to the laundry themselves. I told them, I refuse to risk turning an ankle by stepping on something.

    I DO occasionally reach in and drag out what I can reach from the doorway, and every so often they get desperate looking for something and end up tossing stuff into the hallway, from where i remove it, never to be seen again. As clothes come through the laundry which are clearly too worn out or outgrown, they don't get them back.

    But since we stopped that battle, it made a HUGE difference in our lives.

    If you want to still keep them tidying their rooms, one way to make it easier for them, instead of saying, "Go tidy your room," is to say, "Go pick up and put away, TEN things." I've stood in the doorway to referee, and praised them when ten things have been picked up. I usually also say, "It was only ten things, but what a difference it has made already! I can see a patch of floor over there..."

    When I return washing from the laundry, they get it either folded neatly, or on hangers. They are expected to put clean clothes away. As a result, the stuff lying around tends to not get used until it's eventually wrecked or outgrown.

    I have in general tried to keep their mess isolated to their rooms but lately the boys have (for various reasons) overflowed. I'm working on that, but in general the kids have had to be responsible for their own spaces. I'm waiting anxiously for difficult child 1 to get married and leave home, and for easy child 2/difficult child 2 & BF2 to move out, so I can begin to remove all their stuff.

    OK, the house is messy. But it's workable and we aren't always fighting. easy child, the first to leave home, has her own space and is looking after it. She hasn't been damaged by this policy, she is capable of having a presentable personal space. I'm beginning to notice difficult child 3 being personally organised and getting his toys sorted into different containers.

    When they work it out for themselves, when they become their own motivating force, you have finally won - and without a shot being fired.

  6. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    Marguerite, this sounds like a wonderful idea accept sadly I am sharing the same room as my 11 y/o son. Mom and Dad have a 4 bedroom, but one room is their office. So I have legos in between my toes as I crawl into bed at nite :O(
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    When I was little, my little sister and I drew an invisible line down the middle of our dbl bed. Anyone who crossed the liine got smacked. Hard.
    You can create a more sophisticated version ... maybe a string across the center of the rm or something. Everyone needs boundaries. He gets 2 or 3 chances for mistakes, and then anything on your side goes away. For good.
    You do have separate beds, right? Otherwise, I'd opt for a sleeping bag. :)
  8. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    yep seperate beds, thankfully. Small quarters though, sigh......... I am about ready to bag everything, and see what happens then (I expect a nuclear reaction)