difficult child - in a desert with a horse with no name

[Steely]

OK, yes, I am stuck on that song lately. Although interestingly enough, the song has been in my head for a month, and now it has actually come to fruition.

I am very pressed for time, so I cannot go into much detail, but here it is in a nutshell.
difficult child aced phosph, and they wanted to send him home immediately. (Uh hello, he hit me, tried to kill himself, and thought he was God - but what the heck, let's send him home.) Anyway.

I refused to let him come back home, and have spent the last 4 days finding a therapeutic placement for him. He leaves tomorrow to go to a therapeutic ranch in Utah. (Where he will have his own horse, but hopefully with a name.)

This has been nothing short of a miracle, he actually wants to go. He cried for awhile when I told him, but then actually started sobbing about how much he missed H., which was a first for him.............His only request was that he not be sent to the NW where H. died. I said, deal. He then agreed it was the best decision, and has been almost excited about it ever since.

You have no idea how big this is for him. I mean we are talking about Mr Agoraphobia himself, ready and willing to take this all on. And this ranch is all about tough love, you have to actually earn your own pillow - so - um. Yikes.

PLEASE, PLEASE pray for me & him. I need/want this to be successful for him.
I am undergoing more stress than I ever have before. I know I can do this.............but there are moments I am crumbling. It is my little kiddo going far, far away................I cannot even talk to him on the phone. It is the first of many steps of me detaching and us becoming more of a healthy family. I know. But I also worry about his physical well being, we all know the horror stories. I have had to pick this place, sight unseen, and trust my gut 100%. It is the biggest leap I have ever taken.

Hugs to you all, I miss you, and promise I will be back on the board more than I have been, soon.

 

[Andy]

Oh Steely, stay strong!

You are doing everything right. Even right steps are heartbreaking. I feel your concerns but also know you would have done the homework and feel that this is right regardless of how hard it is.

 

[trinityroyal]

Sending many gentle hugs, Steely, and saying prayers for strength.

I've added a coat of polish to your Warrior Mom armour.

You are doing the right thing. I know how much it hurts, but it's likely to be the best thing possible for both of you. Sounds like the healing has already started.

Trinity

 

[DammitJanet]

Steely...I really think this is the right decision. Somehow I "feel" it deep inside. Something just felt good when I read this post.

 

[klmno]

Wow, Steely- this is a big step- for both of you. I somehow am convinced that the two of you will always be close though, as you should be. If he had stayed with you under these circumstances, there could have been a tragic ending.

I'm not up on exactly what transpired with you and him- I was on vacation last week. The last I remember, you were considering trying him off medications because he'd been so stable for so long. Did you try that?

Did he get triggered into mania or depression?

I hope he enjoys his horse- I think I could get into that! Do you have any idea how long the typical stay is? What will he do about school?

The main thing is that you're ok- and he's ok. You did a great job keeping your head in control- Kuddos to you!!

 

[KTMom91]

Adding my hugs and prayers...

 

[witzend]

I second what klmno said. Wow. This all sounds really hopeful. For both of you. I'm glad that you were able to get him to open up, and that he is looking forward to a recovery plan. That means an awful lot.

{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}

 

[susiestar]

Sending lots of hugs and tons of support. Glad you stood up to the psychiatric hospital. Also glad you found a placement that sounds like a really good fit. It is so hard to pick a place like this - especially site unseen.

Hugs to both of you.

 

[Wiped Out]

Steely,
Adding in my prayers that this really helps difficult child. I'm glad he is excited about it.

 

[TerryJ2]

Steely,
wow. What an incredible move. Way To Go. I am impressed.
This will be very good for him.
Therapeutic horse ranch? *I* want to go, pillow or no.
This will be a very good thing for him. He's at the age when he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet (or sit on a horse) and he can do it. There are several horse people here who can tell you how great horses are for calmness, bonding, responsibility and steadiness.

I suspect that your future tears will be from nerves and grief, but also from relief. It will be cleansing, and steadying. You chose well with-the name "Steely."

Sheesh. Now I'm singing that song ...

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I am as impressed with his willingness to go as I am with your ability to let him go.

You have all my prayers, best wishes, and extra strength.

 

[luvmyottb]

Steely,

Happy for you and difficult child. I think the mountain air, tough love and his own horse are great ingredients to the road of stability. Horses are my therapy, I have 4 of them! I have worked with physically and mentally disabled kids in riding programs and have seen wonderful things transpire out of the love these kids have for their horses.

This is the right thing to do for him. It is a lifeline and he is reaching for it.Trust you mom instincts. Its OK.

Best to you, hugs.

 

[Steely]

Thanks guys..............I am moving into a place of faith. Which has been a long process.

It will be so hard to say good bye tomorrow, and to hand the baton of the most difficult child ever, to someone else - but at some point - he has take the baton himself. I hope this is the beginning.

 

[TerryJ2]

Tomorrow? Wow, that's fast.
I'm flinging hope and love and strength right now!!!

 

[Steely]

Yep, tomorrow. I have spent all day packing/buying sleeping bags, and coats, and shoes, and jeans and filling out literally 50 pages of paperwork.

Then I have to get him to the airport by 7, get him on the plane - and then this other person (again I have never met) will pick him up and drive him 6 hours to the ranch.

I am telling ya.............I am not leaping with faith I am taking the plunge.
So very scared.

 

[gcvmom]

Sounds like this may also help him process his grief for H, especially since he has not openly done so until now. That alone could be compounding his problems.

It IS a tremendous leap of faith you are taking, but you know it's something that has to be done for his sake and yours.

Sending you many warm hugs and prayers to get you through this next step!

 

[klmno]

Sending {{{HUGS}}}, well-wishes, and tons of support. Keep us posted on how he (and you) are doing.

 

[totoro]

I hope so much that this leap is what you and he needs. How long is he scheduled to stay? Are you able/going to maybe visit him after awhile?
Maybe this will help him dig down deep inside his soul and see the good in his life and how much he is needed and means to the world.
Deep Breath

 

[Christy]

Wow. What a huge experience. I hope he can ride his horse all the way to maturity and adulthood. This is probably the best thing for him right now albeit scary for both of you.

How often will you be able to contact him while he's there?

Sending good thoughts and prayers.

 

[Marguerite]

Steely, he's 17. He's a big boy now. He needs to do this. You need him out of your house. This is really good, that you've been able to organise this for him. I am glad for you.

He's not been in hospital long, and he held it together during that time. OK, he will have longer on the ranch, someone has to see something that can get him some help. In the meantime, you will be safe.

It's good that he talked about his feelings and missing H. You've been immersed in your own grief (understandable) but he has grief that has to be expressed too. For whatever reason - maybe he didn't want to express it as much because he didn't want to add to your distress? Or maybe he didn't feel enough. I don't know - but he's expressed it now, and that has to have released some of the pressure he's been feeling.

I hope this really does help him. It does buy you both some time to find some future directions for you both.

Marg