my difficult child has been in foster care for a couple of months. she gets to come to the house for a two hour visit once a week. Last week, during the first hour a lot of the reasons she's in foster care were present, and the second hour was better. That first hour, I was extremely nervous. I have begun to enjoy waking up in the mornings, I lay awake in the mornings realizing that no one is going to call me a fngbch, and that brings a smile to my face, I can walk all around my entire home and be happy in all the rooms, and nothing is going to come flying my way. I can talk to my dog, and not be criticized for anything that I do. I get excited instead of dreading the end of a workday or workweek. It's fun to go home. I've learned things about me. I am a good mom, I was a good mom, I am a good person, I can be happy, I do know how to smile, and I do have a sense of humor, I can laugh, and Laugh and laugh. I don't want it to end. I don't want her to come home and ruin it. The thought of even trying to bring her home makes me want to run in another direction. I know I am not strong enough and the state is not pushing her to come home, but I am not sure that I will ever want her to. She cries to come home, but I know it's manipulation, because the behaviors are still there. I guess I am just not ready. Will I ever be is what I wonder?