difficult child in sober house

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Payla, Feb 27, 2013.

  1. Payla

    Payla New Member

    After a rough week with no luck getting into a sober house , after finishing detox, difficult child was at rock bottom wanting to get away from drug environment he was living in. He called me at work weeping and pleading for help. I am so conditioned to saying no to him over past 8 months that I had to remind myself he was asking for help to stay clean, not asking for money, so I made one call for a possible link to a sober house and within an hour he had a bed! I went to bring him a few things yesterday and he is grateful to be where he is. I was not thrilled to be back in helping role but he is the one who got himself to detox two weeks ago and I just couldn't turn my back on him. I pray now that he can make it work in the sober house. Al we both did was cry while i was there; just so heart wrenching.They have to get a job, follow the rules and go to NA meetings and are urine tested everyday. He has never been in any counseling or 12 step group and has always been so non compliant; all we can do is pray that this helps turn him around. We also now have his dog in basement since she won't get along with our two dogs. I will try to find her a foster home in another week or two, just waiting to see if he settles in there.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Must be challenging to figure out boundaries. I was told to say to a friend who was staying with me (and we asked to leave) I won't help you in any way that supports your hurting yourself/using. (Knowing when that was, was hard to figure out, so we never gave money etc) but calling her dad when she was going to detox was fine. That was a hard experience and it was only a friend. I can't even begin to know how I'd feel if it was my son or my sisters' kids. I'd do anything for them.

    From my not-knowing-anything-much-about-it perspective, you did well. Sounds like he is trying. I hope he can stick it out and comply with the rules and really use the groups /therapies. Stay strong!
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    The difficult part starts now for difficult child. He needs a constant form of good structure, and I hope part of that structure comes in the form of a decent job. It's funny what you said about being so conditioned to say "no" that you had to remind yourself he was actually calling for help! It seems like we always imagine that call, but when it happens, we expect something else. Hugs to you.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wonderful news!!!!

    My daughter was in a womens sober house for six months and it was wonderful. They not only dealt with addiction but helped the women look for jobs and become a contributing member of society. I now belong to a parent support group that was formed by two moms whose sons were in a mens sober house together. The men living there become very close and they help each other stay sober, they are there for each other through the thick and thin. We are very lucky there are well run sober houses around here.

    I would never turn my back if my difficult child was asking for help to get well. There is a huge difference between enabling their addiction and helping them fight it.

    Good job Mom!
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow, Payla, good work! He's helping himself so you're helping him, that's a good plan. Remember this phrase that always helps me, 'loving kindness feels good, enabling feels bad.' He will have to follow the rules, attend groups and work which sounds like the first time he is willing to follow a program to help himself. I know it's hard, but it's a beginning and it's likely come about because of your unwillingness to enable him any longer. You've done a really good job over many months and I understand how difficult it's been, but now perhaps he at least has a chance. If he blows this, that's his choice, not yours. He has to wake up from this nightmare he lives in in order to have any kind of life. There are thousands of stories of people who are at rock bottom and turn their lives around. He could be one of those people. I will say a prayer for him, I hope he takes this opportunity and gets a life.............hugs...........
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I applaud you! Way To Go! DDD
  7. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Sending Hugs! Praying for u both! Rabbit
  8. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Great News! I think the fact that he wanted to go will be a big help. My difficult child was court ordered twice, and hopefully something stuck, but it's not the same as them deciding to go for treatment.
  9. Good for you! I think you definitely did the right thing in helping him find a sober house. He got himself to detox, stayed there and was asking for help to continue the journey of beating his addiction.

    Wonderful news for him. I will keep him in my thoughts and prayers that he will find a way to stick with this and make it work for him.

  10. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Thank you all for your warm support. Interesting that I am not feeling lots of peace about this; I spent last two days helping him with car repair, grocery card, gas card, etc.. He is so dependent on me and we talked about it a lot, but I don't have confidence that he will be able to make this work. I just need to keep praying and now trying to detach again. But this the big dilemma for me; I don't want to not help him because he is pretty low functioning without drugs, but I don't want to keep being his fall back. I'm wrestling with him failing at this and my role in that failure.
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Payla, I believe from my own experience that we keep hitting another level of our detachment process. Now you are facing what it's like when he isn't using, but where do you draw that line for yourself,supporting vs. enabling now that he is is not in the throes of his addiction? Plus, it's likely been years if not decades that you have been enmeshed in his drama, so the 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' is a cemented part of your reality. There is a lot to work through for YOU, separate from his process, you have your own. I hope you are in some kind of supportive environment, a parent group. or perhaps private therapy, because this is not only his journey, it is yours as well. As he recovers, you will now be required to learn this new landscape, it's a process for us as well as them. You said it yourself, you want to help him as he goes through this, BUT you do not want to be his fall back, so keep that in you mind and find support to learn how to do that, get the tools, the guidance, the information to do that. Stay the course, I think as you go through it the next steps evolve as you do................hugs............