difficult child in violent home

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AHF, Feb 21, 2012.

  1. AHF

    AHF Member

    Help me out here, folks. I got Peter Pan out of the house: good. He took a room in a house that looked pretty unsavory to me, but he was living there and not me, so I kept mum: good. I'm paying the rent through next month, then weaning him off my support: good. The problem is that it emerges that the guy who lives there and collects the rent (he doesn't own the place, and I doubt it's even a legal rental) is a really suspect character. He's been arrested several times for disorderly conduct, DUI, weapons in the car, resisting arrest. According to Peter Pan, he hits his girlfriend who also lives in the house. There are three dogs, all being mistreated. Whatever Peter Pan's issues are--and he is nasty and ungrateful to me, a complete mess when it comes to getting his life together, narcissistic personality, gambling issues, etc.--he has suffered in the past from having a violent father and brother in the home. He does have trauma from that. So ... I have suggested that he find another place to live. I have said I'm willing to lose the security deposit if he needs to get out soon, and I will pay March rent elsewhere if he wants to relocate. But I have not opened my door to him, nor have I refused to pay rent to this jerk who's collecting. Any thoughts?
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    Sounds good to me.

    You are ready, willing and able to financially accommodate a change from a situation that you know is bad for him. in my opinion the rest is up to him. He found this unsavory place, he needs to find himself a better one. I think I would go as far as offering to pay the new security deposit as well, if necessary.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think your offer is reasonable. The only thing I question is whether Peter Pan is exaggerating the situation, hoping that you'll feel so afraid/sorry for him that you'll let him move home (not that you would, just that he's hoping). Just food for thought.
  4. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I think I would check out the situation myself. I just went through a conn with my difficult child just so they could get money to party and go to concerts. I may be biased against them lol!! It amazes me the extent my difficult child will lie to me!

    There are places I have seen online to do background checks and they are fairly cheap. BUT I don't know how reliable they are. I searched my son's name in one and it did show the area he lives in.

    You are only supporting his housing for 1 more month and after that he has to find his own place - does he have a job to affford rent?
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I think my help comes with your first sentence -

    I got Peter Pan out of the house - good.

    End of help - End of sentence......

    The best times Dude had and the worst times he had were when he was on his own. He GREW, he REALIZED he APPRECIATED - and I was thanked. I have reserved my assitance for emergency situations - and that right is mine. However the last time? Is/was the last time.

    Hope this makes sense. If you want him to EVER appreciate you or himself - Put the wallet away and let him find out what he can do on his own. Because with your help? He never will.

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You MUST allow Peter Pan to figure this out for himself. It won't be on your timetable, it may not even result in a move to a less violent environment. It isn't easy by any means. But if you fix it, find a new place for him, report this guy and get the cops to clean it up, whatever, then Peter Pan does not grow up. You will infantilize him even more if you clean this up for him.

    Let him know that you know that he can handle his life. And then step back and let him do it. If he never falls, he will never learn to get up again.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I don't have any advice. You seem to have found your position and are prepared to stick with it. on the other hand, just in case you need another one...sending a hug or two your way. DDD
  8. AHF

    AHF Member

    Thanks, all. He does seem to be moving toward finding a different situation, and I am holding back ... thus far, no direct demands to come home instead, just general dog-faced sullenness. Really appreciate the good thoughts!