difficult child is back home

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nancy, Jul 22, 2010.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child texted husband last night and said she wanted to come home at noon today. He didn't go to work this morning and we waited and waited and by 11AM after texting and getting no response he finally left for work. I was in a panic all night after finding out this jerk punched her in the stomach and worried that she was being held against her will or taken somewhere by this guy who sd he owned her. We got a text from her girlfriend that she was bringing difficult child home so I called husband and he turned around and came back home.

    I was surprised to see she looked well for having been on the run four days. She didn't look hung over or on drugs at all. husband did most of the talking, asking her where she had been and what she wants to do. Bottom line is that she wants to stay here, doesn't want to be on the run or live on her own right now. She swore up and down that she had not done any drugs at all the whole time she was out nor did she have sex with anyone. She sd this guy steve is a liar and made her cry the first two nights and punched her the third and she never wants to see him again. She swears after the first night she left his house and stayed with several of his friends who all dislike him too. They told her that he had been in a mental hospital twice.

    I don't know what to think or believe. She said she was so happy to be back home and was willing to follow the rules, no drugs, no drinking, no staying out all night. She had a drug test two weeks ago which was negative and will have another next week so we will find out if she is lying.

    I haven't slept in a week or eaten anything without getting sick. I'm hoping tonight I can finally get some rest, although I know it's not over. I told her that I was fine with her moving out, I didn't want to keep her here if she didn't want to be here but I just want to know that she is somewhere safe and that she can take care of herself and that if she ever had kids she never has to know what it feels like to not know where your child is and whether she is being hurt.

    I am not ashamed to say I had some pretty hateful feelings toward Steve and some fantasies of how I wanted to "take care of the problem." husband told her if he tries to contact her to tell him never to call her again or she will file harrassment charges. That's what he told husband the other day when he called him to find out where she was.

    Last edited: Jul 23, 2010
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    phew I am glad she is back home. I would suggest you write up some kind of list of rules and expectations....sounds like she will agree at this mement. Hopefully she really found being on her own harder than she thought itnwold be.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Nancy, I'm so glad she is home.


  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad she's back home and is safe. Hugs to you.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so glad she is safe and back home. Make sure you write that list of rules and that the consequences are clear. I hope that she wises up after this and keeps her act together and clean.

    Please take care of yourself. We worry about you, too.

  6. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I am so relieved she is okay. I hope she will be able to stay at home now but I know how it goes--after a few days she may be back to the same old thing. Anyway, all you can do is take it a day at a time and be sure the rules are clear and the consequences are enforced. I am just glad she is safe and you can have some peace of mind!
  7. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I'm so glad she is safe at home. Maybe this will be a turning point for her. I pray things work out. As much as my daughter can be a pita, I always breathe easier when she is here with me...
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I'm relieved that she wants to return to her nice home. Why if everything is ok does she want you to move out so she can come home?
    She sure swings hot and cold. Do you think maybe bipolar is starting to be a more distinct possibility? It would explain the two types
    of behavior, the self medicating and the sexual promisciuty plus the scattered thinking and planning.
    Hope this time she realizes if she is out there, someone is physically strong enough to "own" her.
  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Also " She swears after the first night she left his house and stayed with several of his friends who all dislike him too." doesn't ring true to me. Does it sound reasonable to you? His friends all dislike him? She probably isn't telling you the truth, not compared to the words and texts that she has put out there.
    Hopefully, this is a good lesson for her.
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Glad she's safe. I agree with Fran that some of what she claimed doesn't sound right, but I hope that it all works out and she's truly committed to following the rules of your loving home. I would definitely keep my guard up.

    Best of luck and hugs. I hope you are able to stay calm enough to eat and sleep.
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, don't know why but the hair on the back of my neck stood up reading about Steve. Please be careful, I suspect you all have not seen the last of him yet. Get everything you have that could be used in a restraining order - I think you will need it.

    Sorry, not trying to be drama filled. But, I had the feeling, so I had to say it. If I didn't and something happened....well you know I could not handle that.
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Fran, I don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. I try to rely on her behavior, attitude, physical appearance, etc. I know the girl that brought her home is fairly reliable and she told my easy child that difficult child was not with Steve after the first night and she was at another guys house with several other people. Steve did come there one night and that's when he punched her in the stomach. I'm sure these other guys are no angels either but I don't fear them like I did Steve. These guys all know each other from high school and all graduated in 08. I've done a lot of sleuthing (Suz lol) and from what I can tell they all drink and smoke pot but they aren't into sex for hire. You see I've set the bar fairly low here. She is on birth control and she seems clear headed and not beligerent. We don't ask for much anymore.

    I am always on the lookout for stronger bipolar symptoms. So far her behavior seems more related to the drinking and pot binges but she has tested negative for pot now for seven months. I never see the other end of the bi with her, never see happy times. If she is bipolar it is somewhere on the spectrum that is difficult to diagnose but I would never rule that out. She has always lived in the moment with no consequences or fear or consideration for the future. She would never agree to medication again anyway.

    Busy thank you for your concern. I am very concerned also and the hair on the back of my neck stood up too. I have his texts locked and backed up and won't hesitate to get a restraining order if necessary. Of course since difficult child is 19 she would have to agree so I want to keep her on our side on this matter. I'm glad husband talked to him on the phone so he can testify what he told him also. I'm not sure any of these ex-friends would go against him, difficult child claims they all saw him punch her. I already checked to see if he was a licensed massotherapist and he is not, at least not yet. If he were I would file a complaint against him.

    Also something did happen between her and Steve to make her not want to move in with him because three days ago she was still moving into this house they were going to rent this weekend. Now she says she doesn;t ever want to see him again, thank goodness. The other night we got a call on our home phone from the lady who owned the house who was checking on difficult child's application to move it. I told her I had no idea where difficult child was, that she had no money and was hanging around kids that were into all sorts of illegal things and I wished her good luck renting to her. LOL she said "oh" and hung up.

    Last edited: Jul 23, 2010
  13. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Dear Sherlock,

    This really made me :rofl:

  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you all have the reassurance of her wellbeing right now. on the other hand, you have my ongoing sympathies because
    that's a H of a way to live having to worry every day. Hope for the best but stay prepared for the next round. :sad-very:
  15. Bean

    Bean Member

    I, too, am glad you have the assurance of her being home safe and sound. I'm a skeptic, though, and wouldn't believe every word that comes from her mouth. But that's just me. I don't know your kid or whatever, but I do know the behaviors and they aren't what would be called, "normal." There has to be a reason she did what she did and oftentimes drug use or drinking comes along with it. Not always, though of coarse.
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Can you file a restraining order against STeve? Certainly seems like you have grounds for this (at the very least).
    AND it would show your daughter that there are consequences for inappropriate behaviors and that she is worth protection.
    Additionally, I'm not sure diagnosis's really matter. Perhaps she does show some signs of bipolar. Maybe medication would help. Can you get her to a doctor to find out? Certainly she could have more than one diagnosis and of course, all of it could be exacerbated by drug abuse.
    Personally, I wouldn't get too hung up on a diagnosis. Call it whatever you want, but if you can get her on a medication that might help her...it surely would be a plus. Also, therapy surely has the potential to help her (assuming she is open to it ... at least a little).
    My other post still stands....you can NOT control her. She certainly might ver well be a case where she has to hit rock bottom before the balance is tipped and she realizes she needs help. Before she realizes that she has it good with dear 'ol mom and dad.
    I can't imagine the living hexx you are experiencing with- her in the house.
    Can you set some boundaries? What about family therapy to help put that in place? If it is totally out and out chaos...you might have to cut her lose for the time being.
    Hold on to your spiritual beliefs....and if you don't have them....FIND THEM
    I can't recall...have you attended the Families Anonymous meetings yet? They are very good.
    I hope you are getting the support that you need....remember....you can't control her...but you DO have the option of controlling your own thoughts on this. It is HARD AS HEXX and it angers me to no end that we have been put in this position, but that does me/you NO GOOD. It is what it is....we must make a choice to move forward.
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bean I know alcohol and drugs are a problem. I am sure she is drinking. So far the drug tests are negative for now.

  18. Bean

    Bean Member

    Ooops. I'm replying to two of your threads at the same time. One where she's gone, one where she's home. :)