difficult child is driving me up the wall

[wolonfab]

Darling difficult child :nonono: has been turfed out from after school care for bad behaviour.. we arent allowed back till he can behave..... He has been put on disciplinary action at school(no excursion and 10 days detention) for pulling another boys pants down... He has hit a kid over the head with a chair and other foul behaviour

But the after school care has me fuming.... This time he has been there for just 3 weeks while i attempt to study(needless to say i had to quit) He started his time by yelling and hitting others on the head Then moved on at wk 2 to asking all the boys to have sex with him...he told the girls he caould teach them how to kiss with tongue..He also told the woman he has sex with mummy ....

I was called on thursday (week 3)after 30 mins of him being there cause he had asked all the girls to his ***** :grrr: and was racing across the room screeching and yelling...Foul language etc.....

I am at the end of my rope :sad: ....Thats it for me... A pyscologist told me a week ago he will be in a home by the time he is 10 cause he is regressing so much (this woman wanted him off all dairy, fruit, gluten, bbqs, tap water,so i walked out) ...we lost his shrink (she moved on after just 6mths) and they wont give difficult child to another(new one wont understand him supposedly or how to deal with him...what the?)...they passed him onto head social worker instead......

He has easy child swearing and acting the same way....She already has a problem with change (day care mentioned it recently) and i am sure its brought on by him... two weekends ago he stabbed his head with scissors to feel something..... Lucky it wasn't deep cause i got to him in time.... Lots of blood though.....

I just want a normal life....and i don't feel any of us should have to deal with this rubbish... (people tell me it gets easier but i would like to know when...)

sorry have to vent.... if i dont vent i may cry..esp since i have the flu :ill: and its very cold down under right now....

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh dear! I am so sorry.

Wow, he's got a mouth way beyond his yrs. I know we're not supposed to take anything personally that our G'sfg say, but if my kid told a teacher that he was having sex with-me, I'd freak.
by the way, where did he learn about using his tongue? I'm guessing it's the TV. I'd have all the TV sets shipped to Siberia!!!

So sorry you have the flu. And what's wrong with-crying, anyway? You have every reason to.

Also, I don't understand why you walked out when the psychiatric said to take difficult child off of certain foods. Was she making it sound like a perfect solution and that's all you had to do? Many of us are faced with-that issue and it really does help. Anything and everything helps, quite frankly.

Are his tics leftover from medications, or does he also have Tourettes?

Sorry for all the questions. I just need more clarification.

I hope that he at least sleeps well at night so you get a break.
Good luck!

 

[wolonfab]

Hi

The pyscologist we saw yelled at my son b4 he even entered the room...she told him he was to behave or else... she put him in the corner cause he spoke too loud and her cat got scared...she told him he was to have all his hair shaved off or else she would yell at him when she saw him next... he was scared before he went in with anxiety...

I have no problems with food (she is following the blood diet), and i had taken him off gluten and dairy but he started stealing it at school and the teacher will not help in anyway...
He only watches nick Jr (kids channel only at home)and nothing else..NO simpsons etc.. he prefers to be outside and i allow it cause he can run it off....

Havent cried for 6 yrs and i am trying to hold on cause if i cry right now i dont know if i could cope if i started ... never been diagnosed with tourettes but he constantly clears the throat esp when upset or anxious(severe anxiety)

 

[DDD]

I am very sorry that you have these severe issues to cope with.
Obviously your six year old has complex issues and as a very experienced Mom, I guarantee you no Mom could handle all those
behaviors and raise a smaller child. You do have too much on your plate.

I have no knowledge of how your system works so I can't really make any suggestions for getting help. Obviously help is needed
and it is needed now. Perhaps if your social services system
and your school system are not addressing his needs, there is a
legal service available to help you? or an advocate?

As a former child advocate and guardian ad litem, I must ask you
if you have a fail safe method of protecting your little girl from her brother. She is so vulnerable at that age and his abnormal interest in sexual activity puts her at risk. Does she,
for example, share your room??? Has your son been abused in the
past?

Sorry I have no answers but want you to know that I am thinking of you and yours. DDD

 

[Marguerite]

Hi,

Sorry you lost the shrink. Because frankly, I do think that's his best hope. The psychologist sounds like she's out of her depth. The school & after care aren't coping, and can't really if they have no diagnosis or suggestions on how to deal with him.

He's too much of a handful, you've been trying to get answers for years now, I can't understand how our health system has got this bad.

There have been times when a desperate parent, fed up at getting no help, has gone to the media. I'm hesitant to suggest it, but it's sounding that desperate. I would be suggesting 7 rather than 9, they're more likely to give you a fair go. But hey. whatever you can rustle up.

Did you take him to the hospital when he cut his head? The only other thing I can suggest is to keep taking him there every time there's an 'accident' so they can document everything.

Can you take him back to Westmead? The lack of services in your area surely has to help, someone somewhere has to be able to see that this kid has not had appropriate assessment or intervention in all this time and you've run out of resources or answers.

That throat clearing - it sounds like what difficult child 3 does. It could be a stimulant, or it could be a tic. My vote - a stimulant, maybe a way of trying to deal with anxiety.

He's had a diagnosis of autism, and a stimulant would fit that, but there is definitely something else here that needs looking into. Things are happening here that go way outside what you see in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD).

I'd be giving serious consideration to taking him by the hand and sitting with him somewhere, such as outside the child psychiatry unit at Westmead, or POW kids. Take a thermos and your knitting (metaphorically) as well as a history. This isn't the way it's supposed to be done, but everything else seems to be letting you down.

I know it's drastic, but the only other thing I can think of, is to move. Change addresses. Go to a different area where you have to begin the whole process over again. Somewhere where you CAN fit into Westmead's area. Somewhere that you CAN find a pediatrician who isn't a wimp. You shouldn't have to do this, with a health system as good as ours is supposed to be (yeah, right).

OK, some of my suggestions are a bit off the wall, but maybe someone has some ideas that may be more feasible.

Thinking cap's on for you. This just isn't right.

Marg

 

[busywend]

I think the hardest thing for me to accept was my way of parenting was not going to work. I had to turn to non-traditional parenting. Detaching, letting some non-serious things slide, etc. It was not comfortable for me, because it was not natural instinct.
The sooner you accept that you may have to change your style of parenting - and perhaps only for your son, your natural parenting may be fine for your daughter - the easier it will be.

DDD has a good point, your son is far to interested in sexual topics and he should be watched carefully around your daughter - as in never alone with her.

You do need more help. Especially being sick. I had the least patience when I was sick.
Feel better soon,

:ill:

 

[On_Call]

I don't have any additional advice, but want to post my support for you right now. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I think we have all felt a bit of the feeling you have right now of being backed into a corner with nowhere else to go. It sounds like Marg has some good ideas - it may take some drastic action on your part to turn things around and get yourself the assistance that you so desperately need.

I also vote for a good cry. Sometimes the release is overwhelming. Some of my best self-motivational talks have come in the middle of a good cry.

Many hugs coming your way.

 

[Mrs Smith]

I'm so sorry you don't have any real support or help for your son or yourself. It's an isolating experience.

I would use the autism label when asking for help because that covers most of the behaviors you mentioned. Maybe check the autism groups in your area for a referral to someone who would have real experience with these issues. If you know anyone else with an autistic kid, ask them who they've found helpful. It's a small community - you'll start to see the same people over and over. I'm a big fan of chatting people up for their suggestions.

I too have a complex kid and it took many years with many experts to even begin to sort it out. Be persistent in your search and don't be afraid to walk away if they aren't helping. Good luck!

 

[smallworld]

I'm having a hard time understanding why no one sees why this child is in great danger to himself and those around him. While we can't diagnosis over the internet, it sounds to me as if he might have bipolar disorder in addition to Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). The hypersexuality, self-harming behaviors and aggression are all symptoms of BiPolar (BP). According to The Bipolar Child by Demitri and Janice Papolos, at least 10 precent of children with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) have a bipolar comorbidity. And it may actually be a higher percentage (in the 35 percent range). If he has BiPolar (BP), that would mean treatment with mood stabilizers and atypical antipsychotics. I'm not sure if you're already gone that route with your difficult child.

I think you're going to have to listen to Marg on the next steps to take since she's the one who knows how your country's health care system works. Sending many gentle hugs your way.

 

[Marguerite]

I think one of the biggest problems, smallworld, is that very few doctors in Australia recognise childhood bipolar. We really do have big problems and the excrement is about to hit the air conditioning, politically.

But we do have an election coming up.

You're in an interesting electorate, Paula. How about sending an email to your local MP? Keep it down to a single page if you can, summarise the problem, list how long you've been trying to find answers, tell how dangerous this kid is to himself and others, especially you and your daughter, and how you haven't even been able to get a thorough evaluation, in all these months.

Then find out who the other party is running, and if you get no immediate joy from your MP, send the other party a copy. I'm not up on the electoral boundaries and who's who in your area, I think you're in Werriwa? It was Macarthur, and Liberal, when I lived there but I think you're in a Labor area now. If so - good. They have brownie points they're desperately trying to earn. If it's a swinging seat - absolutely fabulous. Even if it's a LIberal seat, the swing in the polls is so great, the Libs are running terrified. Use it. It doesn't matter which party you vote for, they're there to represent you.

Find some way to justify hassling a Federal politician - bring it back to disability, or Medicare, or similar. Tell them that this has to be handled Federally since the problem is failure of the entire health system to meet the needs of vulnerable children in the community (heart strings stuff). Let 'er rip. Because the regular channels are failing you badly.

Marg

 

[BusynMember]

Actually a lot of autistic kids are self-harmers. It's a big sign due to the very real frustration of these kids. Often they are violent too. That's why so many Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids get slapped with a bipolar label.
I don't know how the Australian health care system works, but I'd try to find a professional who understands autism in children because until he is getting interventions I don't know how you can really tell if anything else is going on. My Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son used to slam his head on the floor and wall, bite himself, bite us, throw his time-out chair, spit at us, etc. (the fun never ended) and he got a bipolar diagnosis, but once his interventions kicked in, his behavior scaled back so dramatically that he clearly was reacting to the frustration of his lack of understanding of the world. At any rate, I think Meg can help you more than us, since our health care system is sooooooooooo different. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) CAN get better. These kids usually improve as they learn more about the world and how to "get" it. If there is more going on, you'll eventually know it, although I understand they won't diagnose childhood bipolar in Austrailia...good luck, and try to fight for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) type help!!! :wink:

 

[nvts]

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. While I'm here in the states, and am TOTALLY ignorant on the Australian health care system, AND there isn't much input or light that I can shed, I hate feeling useless.

I did a search and found the following links:

Connecting Australia's seriously ill and autistic children ...

http://www.starlight.org.au

http://www.continence.org.au/

http://www.apexfoundation.org.au/

(thought this might help track down someone reliable)

I honestly don't know if it will help - I truly hope it does.

Beth
PS: Feel better!

 

[meowbunny]

I can't add much to what has been already said. I can, however, reiterate that you should cry.

I'm not a crier. I didn't cry when my beloved husband said it was the child I wanted to adopt or him. I didn't cry when my daughter tried to stab me or deliberately broke any possession I had that was important to me. I didn't cry when she called social services on me and they believed her claims of abuse.

I finally cried when she was 18 and left home for the first time. I cried for almost two hours straight. It was the most cathartic, releasing thing I could have done for myself. I should have released my pain many times before. So should you.

I understand the fear of starting and not being able to stop, but you will stop. I understand the fear of losing control, but you will have control.

I had the benefit of being able to cry alone. You have little ones, so don't have that. You can, however, take a shower and cry your heart out. You can stuff your face into your pillow and cry and scream. You've earned the right to do this. Don't deprive yourself of the release. I wished I hadn't -- I truly believe a lot of my depression stems from my fear of crying through the years.