difficult child is genuinely MEAN - Ugh!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by daralex, Feb 18, 2008.

  1. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I am used to difficult child being fairly obnoxious on a daily basis - but how does everyone else deal with it? The more difficult child talks the colder and meaner she gets. Her friend slept over this weekend and almost went home because difficult child was saying mean things to her. She is the "hang-up" queen on her phone - If someone calls she doesn't want to speak with she hangs up on them, if they say something over the phone she doesn't like she just hangs up on them.(all you hear all day is click, click, click) She only has the one friend (gee I wonder why!) The new neighbor was very loud and she says to my boyfriend -"hey, why don't you be a man and go tell them to shut the "f" up?" i thought he was going to explode (no, he knows better and just sat there seething) It's just so hard to be around that negativity ALL the time. She is angry at the world and takes it out on anyone that comes near her. How is she ever going to make friends this way?
    Do you ever get to the point that you really just don't want to be around them? I love her very much (more than anything!) but as of late I am liking her less and less. As far as I know there is no medication for ODD or plain angry-ness. She is so bitter and cold (I haven't gotten a good hug in almost a year!)and she used to hug and kiss me every day several times a day. It just seems harder and harder to keep warm fuzzy thoughts in my head when it comes to her. to top it off I have to tell her i cannot afford a "going away" party before we move in 6 weeks (who is she going to invite anyway!) and I know she is going to have a major meltdown (so I am putting it off unitl the last minute)

    She has not shown any violence towards others or animals that I know of and hasn't cut herself in over a year - she's just plain MEAN.:furious: How do you deal with it?????
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    {{{{{Hugs}}}}} Dara,
    I'm sorry that you're having to deal with that.

    My difficult child used to run his mouth and say the most horrible hurtful things. He tempers it (slightly) with me and husband, but I have heard him call his sister every vile name in the book including [female dog] and [word referring to female parts that starts with C]. There are times when, much as we love our children, we just don't like them very much. Perfectly normal, and you have every right to feel that way, and to take a break from your difficult child when you do.

    As far as the mouthiness and angry words, the only thing I have ever found that works is to not react at all (well, not visibly anyway), and provide a consequence for every time she says something nasty.

    The speech I use with difficult child goes something like this:

    "Until you are prepared to speak respectfully to me, I am not prepared to listen to you." And then I would walk away.

    The staff at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) have a time-consequence system. For every verbal outburst (swearing, defiance, etc.) he loses 5 minutes of his daily free time. Instead of free time, he gets time out in his room. There have been days when he accumulated more than 60 min of time out, but overall the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) reports that there are significant improvements.

    I think sometimes our difficult children almost need to pick a fight in order to generate the chaos that so many of them seem to thrive on. If you don't give it the payoff, then maybe that will help.

  3. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

    I don't really have a good answer for this one as difficult child's mood/mouth is out of control here too. I do not tolerate bad language, rudenes, or blatent disrespect to others and if difficult child is doing any of the above, she has to go to her room. If she won't stay there, we clear out ds's room and put her in there as his room is the only one with a lock on it. We were going to switchrooms around so that would be her room and she had an unexpected period of time where she was easy to deal with. Thats over now so we're trying to decide on the next strategy. I like the ignoring advice but she follows me around and just continue ranting and swearing. She doesn't have friends due to her poor social skills and the fact that she didn't treat the friends that she had well at all. I dont' have any advice for you as I don't really know what to do here. I always give her a consequence for meanness because its not acceptable in my house. And when my easy child's start acting like that, they get the same consequences.
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I wish I had an answer. All I know to do, when its words and not actions, is to remove myself from it.

    Many, many hugs. Its easy to remove yourself from it, but its hard to remove it from yourself.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Without thinking twice, I'd have her re-evaluated by a neuropsychologist. ODD rarely stands alone and if the underlying disorder that causes the ODD is not caught and treated, it can develop into serious conduct disorder. She may have reasons that you don't yet understand for being the way she is. Are there mood disorders in your family? #1 disorder that pairs up with ODD is childhood bipolar. And there ARE medications for it and the ODD can disappear if the other disorder is treated. I would definitely look beyond "ODD." In spite of your child being "mean" it sounds like she is really miserable and that the treatment she is getting is not working, another clue that it is probably more than just ODD. My motto is: "Better to be safe than sorry." I would not just leave it at this. Good luck!
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Since this has all changed in the past year, you might be looking at depression. Depression can show as anger at the world.

    For day to day things, I would be taking her phone if she can't be civil to people. Hanging up is not being civil. If she has friends over and talks to them rudely, I'd be offering her friends a ride home and flat out telling them they do not have to put up with that treatment. It may be harsh but it may be the only way to get the message across that she can't treat others they way she does. Right now, she sounds like she thinks she can and, to some extent, she can because she does get away with it.

    I don't envy you. That level of obnoxiousness is not something any of us should have to deal with. My daughter was rude to me but not to others. As she told me, she knew I would put up with it and still love her, others wouldn't. Yours doesn't seem to have that figured out.

    I, too, believe she needs to have an outside professional look at her and give her a diagnosis. She has a lot of baggage on her little plate and she may need more help than she is getting at the present time.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I do not have any answers. It is difficult to be around a negative person - even harded to be around a mean negative person. If they can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

    HUGS! It is rough. I remove myself alot.
  8. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Thanks all for the replies
    Meowbunny - she IS depressed very much so, but tries hard to hide it.
    as far as the bi-polar thing goes I have condidered it but she never has any "highs" only lows and more anger. I am hoping once we move that I can try to get the school to do /refer difficult child to a neuro psch. There's no way we can afford it on our own and we homeschool right now.

    It still amazes me after all this time that she is still so negative and bitter - sometimes she will say somwthing that stings so badly it makes me realize all over again what I'm dealing with as though it was the first time.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That constant negativity is so draining. Hugs.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Be sure you to not take this personally. It is not about you. No matter what she says - it is not something you should internalize or take personally. She will pay enough of a price for her meanness with the lack of friends. When she gets older you will express the desire you have to be around positive, nice people. It will play over in their head.

    My new kitty is trying to delete this thread, so I have to post it before I lose it.
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member


    hi sorry i'm jumping in late on this one. i struggle with that too everytime i tell difficult child not to something and she is quite verbally abusive to sister also.

    i agree i too try so desperately not to react or rather engage with her. i tell her same thing until you can speak respectfully you can go sit in your room for a time out. that's her cooling off period. doens't always work well, she doesn't always stay but i continue to keep bringing her back in there.

    good luck i know it can be so hard

  12. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I agree with not taking it personally.

    This is how I looked at it when my son was severely depressed - and how I try to look at it with my daughter, but hers has gone on for so much longer so I have to remind myself a lot: depression makes the patient feel absolutely miserable. That misery is too much to keep inside so it has to spill out somewhere.

    Is she receiving any treatment or medications for depression? It's important. The longer it goes untreated, the harder it is to overcome. It becomes learned behavior.

    It's hard, I know. Some days I feel like my daughter is just plain toxic and she vacuums the life out of me. Since you're homeschooling her now, as am I, you're home with it all day long. You don't get a break from it. I feel your pain there. Some days my daughter starts and I feel myself trying to curl inside myself. I try to make myself invisible, but I haven't quite figured out how, yet. LOL

    Hang in there.
  13. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Thanks so much everyone!!!! I think sometimes the greatest help is just knowing you're not alone!! You have all been sucha great help to me!:redface: