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difficult child is homeless- what do I say to her
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 664922" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Like most of us, you have confusion about locus of control. Accepting that the power to change the situation is in your daughter, not you.</p><p></p><p>Only she can right her situation. There is no correct tone, or correct thing you can say to magically change her. In fact, I am learning that the less said, the better. And eventually, you may want to set boundaries about when and if you accept her calls.</p><p></p><p>Of course you need to prepare her. I would say something like this *I would read it. </p><p></p><p>You can solve this. I know you can. I have faith in you. </p><p></p><p>I would repeat this as many times as I needed to. </p><p></p><p>And if she pushes you can say: I have come to see that I have hurt you rather than helped you, by not giving you the space and opportunity to make your own life.</p><p>This is manipulation. She is avoiding responsibility and putting it on you.</p><p></p><p>I would stop this right now. When she tries to hurt you *by rubbing it in all the danger she is it, cut her off. Get off the phone. Find a neutral reason and stop listening. Of course, you can say. It hurts me to hear that. But the thing is she does not care. She wants to hurt you. </p><p></p><p>When she asks you for advice you can say, in the past I thought I knew better. I do not believe that now. You will solve this. I know you will. I believe in you.</p><p></p><p>Taking this tack shows respect to her. And you are demanding that she respect you.</p><p></p><p>Remember, you do not have the ability to say or do anything that will change her. Only she will change herself. On her terms. When and how and if she wants to.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 664922, member: 18958"] Like most of us, you have confusion about locus of control. Accepting that the power to change the situation is in your daughter, not you. Only she can right her situation. There is no correct tone, or correct thing you can say to magically change her. In fact, I am learning that the less said, the better. And eventually, you may want to set boundaries about when and if you accept her calls. Of course you need to prepare her. I would say something like this *I would read it. You can solve this. I know you can. I have faith in you. I would repeat this as many times as I needed to. And if she pushes you can say: I have come to see that I have hurt you rather than helped you, by not giving you the space and opportunity to make your own life. This is manipulation. She is avoiding responsibility and putting it on you. I would stop this right now. When she tries to hurt you *by rubbing it in all the danger she is it, cut her off. Get off the phone. Find a neutral reason and stop listening. Of course, you can say. It hurts me to hear that. But the thing is she does not care. She wants to hurt you. When she asks you for advice you can say, in the past I thought I knew better. I do not believe that now. You will solve this. I know you will. I believe in you. Taking this tack shows respect to her. And you are demanding that she respect you. Remember, you do not have the ability to say or do anything that will change her. Only she will change herself. On her terms. When and how and if she wants to. [/QUOTE]
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difficult child is homeless- what do I say to her
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