difficult child is slipping back

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nancy, Feb 22, 2008.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Those of you who remember my story we have had a very rough time with difficult child over the years but the past year and a half things have been going very well. She seemed to have her life straightened out, made new friends and gave up the old bad influences.

    I'm sorry to say that she is fighting with all of her good friends and has made contact with some of the old ones and has made a whole new set of friends....freshmen and sophomores who are just like her when she was a freshman, drinking, using drugs, wild, defiant. One of them was arrested yesterday for dui.

    My heart is sick. I think a lot of it is to get back at a guy she has been obsessing over for a year now. He is friends with these people and I think she wants to make him jealous. And a lot has to do with her old friends shunning her because she is now hanging with the bad crowd.

    We know she was on something the other day when she got home, we suspect she snorted adderall again. We put her on notice that the very next time we even suspect she has been drinking or using something she loses her car for good. At that point I'm sure she will leave home.

    I thought we were past the worst of it but this bad stuff just keeps rearing it's ugly head. I told her I would not go back to freshman year....I have PTST because of it. I begin to shake everythime she doesn't come home when she is suppose to or refuses to tell us where she is.

    Please send good thoughts that she comes to her senses and realizes what she is throwing away.

  2. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    How awful! I can't imagine seeing things get better and watching them slip away again! Be good to yourself, know that you're a great mom, but at her age you cannot "fix" her problems. I am right with you in hoping she comes out of it on her own. Sending ((hugs)) and huge amounts of support your way. Waiting it out is the hardest - my thoughts are with you!
  3. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    Sorry to hear this. Let's hope now that she has experienced a happier life that she will quickly see this is not the way to go.

    Could it be she needs a medication adjustment?
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Nancy, with my difficult child it seems to be a rollercoaster ride. We have months of great behavior---followed by really big scary hills and deep dark valleys. I know that when things are good he feels great about who he is. When they don't he falls into self-sabatoging behavior because he doesn't deserve anything good. It is so heartbreaking to watch. He and I both know what he is capable of....but he can't seem to stay stable long enough to have any lasting impact! A big hug and a prayer that she can and is able to see the error she is making.
  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Nancy, I'm sorry to hear that she made another detour to the dark side. You would think that she would realize what she had. I think of it as an addiction type behavior. They have to fall off the wagon a few times before they decide to do it the right way. Every time she has a healthy functional existance is like money in the bank though for when she does get her brain straightened out. Some of the kids in our groups never have moments of clarity to fall back on.

    I understand completely what you mean about starting to shake and feel the old terrors coming through. Fingers crossed, good thoughts being sent.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    I hope this valley is as short lived as the last one. I know the stress the ups and downs cause. This is how my difficult child is - mood wise. She can be sweet as candy one day and as dark as a beast the next. I have said it since she was old enough to walk. I never knew which difficult child was waking up that day.
    She is a gemini!

    Hold on again!
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I've had to do some thinking about my own life and relationship with Dude lately. I'm happy to say also that while DF could have done the "I told you so's" this time he has not.

    I too suffer from PTSD. Some of it from my life with x and some of it from Dude. So I know what you mean when you say you get physically sick when your daughter is not home. I know that empty pit feeling of wondering IF. And then getting angry with yourself when things come to pass.

    It's a roller coaster I was off of - and like an idiot - asked to get back on to. I had hoped maturity won out over behavior & stupidity. It took less than 4 weeks to find out with Dude - He's stuck on stupid.

    I'm sorry for you. You're a GREAT and FANTASTIC Mom - you've always been the kind voice for me when my life was in the dumps - I'm sending a prayer and an angel your way to keep you from further stress.

    Many hugs
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I, too, hope this is short lived. The rollercoaster ride is so painful and yet there is really nothing a parent can do to put a stop to it. Your difficult child
    knows the good life. She has had positive reinforcement from parents and from peers. Chances are great that eventually she will "get it". I
    understand the pain of watching the downside. Hugs. DDD
  9. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Dear Nancy: Please forward the following to your daughter.

    To the Dear Daughter of a Dear Friend:

    Well, you're starting to make decisions. You're moving forward in life and that is what your wonderful Mom has shared with love, devotion, fear, sadness, pride and joy.

    She's walked through fire for you. Your freshman year was difficult and shaved a few years off both her life as well as yours. But, she held firm and pulled you through.

    Not without scars, not without fear not without constant questioning whether or not she was doing the right or wrong things.

    She held your hands when you were slipping. She pulled you through.

    She held your heart when it was breaking. She pulled you through.

    She pat your back when it was bending under peer pressure. She pulled you through.

    She held firm through drugs, alcohol, possibly sex. She pulled you through.

    Now you're sixteen. Now is the time when your maturity is beginning to shine through. Now is the time when your mom and you will begin to have the secret smiles that come with friendship. The touch of a friend when times get tough. The friendship that evolves through the mutual respect that comes from being a true daughter to a loving mother.

    At least that's what I've been told. My mom died before I could develop that type of living bond.

    I know what it's like to take things for granted. I never got to show my mom that there was something there for the two of us. It's important in this life to recognize mistakes. It prevents you from making them again.

    Please know that I recognized my mistakes too late in my mom's life and for that I will always hold a sadness that could have been erased with:

    Holding her hand, her heart and stiffening her spine.

    The bad part was that I only had the chance to do this during chemo treatments and pain. It would have meant so much more to do it when I came to her with a problem, a joke or just a plain old smile.

    Regrets are painful. Do your best not to have them.


  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks Beth, I'd love to send that to her but sadly I don't think she would get it. It made me cry though.

  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Nancy, I know I have told you before how I have seen glimpses of myself in your daughter. The major difference has been that your daughter has parents who fight tooth and nail for her. I still think she will come through this with time.

    I was awful and swore I hated my parents...especially my dad because he was strict with me. I didnt want to be a thing like him...EVER! Hmmm...this apple didnt fall far from his tree in many ways. I even got the same degree in college that he did...lol.

    The years between now and when she is fully grown will probably be very tough ones. She is going to be trying to find her independence and sense of self in ways that knows will upset you. Hopefully this will be short lived and she will grow into maturity much faster than boys do. If it helps any, I really quit being a total bonehead at about 21. I still had many lessons I needed to learn but I did learn to be law abiding and a good parent by then.

    Have your read My Mother/My Self by Nancy Friday? It might be a good read for you first and then to pass on to your daughter. I read it years ago but am seriously thinking about buying another copy to take into therapy with me.
  12. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    I was just thinking of you and your daughter the other day wondering how
    everything is going.I haven't read the other replies yet so sorry if it is

    I'm so sorry your daughter is going back to her old ways. I'm sorry you have to go back to this. I will rattle every bead available that she comes to her senses soon.

    Many hugs for your broken worried mommy heart.

  13. Cory

    Cory New Member

    Hi Nancy,
    I haven't been around here for ages but I do remember you and what you went through in the past with difficult child. She's close in age to my difficult child 1.

    I was delighted to read that she had been doing so well for so long. But crushed to hear the backwards slide she's having. I have no answers or advice for you. You're a wonderful mom and much more a warrior than I am. I'm going through similar and it breaks my heart to see the kids we love act in such self-destructive ways.

    I hope that she'll wake up soon one day and decide to get her act together.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Beth, that was beautiful. I hope Nancy can save it somewhere and give it to her daughter at a time she will be receptive.


    I am so sorry she is sliding backwards, or running down that dark path with glee, whatever it is. You have worked so very hard to provide her help and therapy and the best of everything.

    I am going to ask you to PLEASE once again do the hard thing as a parent. PLEASE don't wait until the "next time" she comes in under the influence to take her car privileges. Inside a car, under the influence, she may kill someone. I am sure it would be the result of being under the influence AND not paying attention/a phonecall/whatever. However, it will still destroy her chances of going away to college soon, of sleeping at night, and do many other terrible things to her life and her mind. My BFF's little bro hit and killed a boy on a bike 12 days after he got his drivers license. He was a straight arrow, very popular but also very straightlaced, and it almost destroyed him. The boy on the bike WAS under the influence, and headed out into the road far too close for little bro to stop. NO ONE could have stopped with 10 feet between their car and a kid dressed in all black, on a black bike.

    To this DAY little bro has nightmares and sees a therapist. He probably always will.

    You don't want this for your daughter. You really really don't. Little bro started from a positive point, strong in knowing who he was and what his goals were. I don't know if your daughter is there, imagine what an accident of this sort would do to your daughter, long term?

    Talk it over and see if maybe her car rights should be limited now, to save her. If you decide not to, you still have my FULL support. But please, whatever you decide, stick to your guns.

    sending big bear hugs,

  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry she is falling back into difficult child behaviors after doing so well for so long. Saying a prayer she will get back on track soon. Hugs.
  16. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    So sorry to hear that your daughter is slipping back to bad old habits and the wrong crowd. I agree with Susie, don't wait until the next time you suspect she is using something to take the car, the first time she blows curfew or you suspect something in her system is the time to lay down the law.

    If my 17 year old disregarded my curfew or I suspected she had something in her system, the car keys would be mine in a heartbeat, or at the very least, she would have no social activity for a week. You have been through this before, if you and husband suspected she was on something, it's pretty positive she was. I totally understand your PTS from previous dark times, but the only way to prevent this from getting out of hand this time, is nipping it in the bud RIGHT NOW!

    I totally feel for what you are going through Nancy, but you can't let difficult child get back into that lifestyle. She was doing so well. You have to step in right now stop this.

    I wish you the best.

  17. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    You have a united plan with husband. These are very much difficult children choices now - she can ask for help or continue to flounder.

    In the meantime, I'm sorry for your wounded mom's heart. Take care of yourself.
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Believe me she is on a very short leash. We won't wait until too late don't worry. We have told her the conditions and are ready to pull the car as soon as she steps over the boundaries. I have zero tolerance for alcohol or drug use and driving. husband said we have to wait until she hangs herself because she has to understand it was her own doing and not just us being unreasonable again. He is handling things so far because I can't even talk to her and he's doing good. But he goes out of town tomorrow until Wednesday and I can honestly say I am very nervous about being alone with her. I have to keep reminding myself what Linda said, this is her own doing and she is making the choices now.

  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, Nancy, I'm so sorry that you are going through this again. As I've told you before, your difficult child reminds me of my difficult child in so many ways.

    The bad news in that, of course, is that 16 and 17 were hellacious years. Once they turn 18 the threat of making them leave does give back you some control.

    The good news is that my difficult child seems to be coming out of the darkness. I'm sure you have followed my posts that she is living on her own and has gone back to school and is doing very well. Things are not perfect, but much better. Best of all, we have a loving mother/adult daughter relationship that I wouldn't have thought possible when she was your difficult child's age.

    Maturity does help most of our difficult children. It's surviving the teen years that is so hard.

    I'm sending you a big hug for your hurting heart.

  20. Penta

    Penta New Member

    I am sorry to hear this news. Just curious...did she buy her car with her own money or is it one of your cars?