difficult child is so impossible!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Mar 24, 2013.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Everything has to be his way or no way! It's so frustrating! He hates the temp shelter and wants out bc he hates their rules and they're "mean" to him. He said the staff allows everyone privileges except him. He's also having a problem bc he's exhausted from the lithium and thirsty and it's dry in there etc. Ugggh!

    So anyway, the rule at the shelter is that residents have to be in no later than 5 if they want to spend the night. They make exceptions for certain residents if there is an emergency or something they need to do after 5 pm but in general they're pretty strict about the curfew.

    Well difficult child just called complaining about that bc supposedly his friend "just got hit by a car" and he wanted to go to the hospital to see him. I said "what hospital"? He said he didn't know. I said "ok so how did you find out about this"? He said the kid's mom called him. Uhhhh I said "HOW did she call you if you have no phone"? He said oh right - she messaged me on FB. Then he starts going into this rant about how the staff won't let him go to the hospital to see his friend and they would only bend the rule if they could call to confirm the story is real - which it is obviously NOT!!! He's nuts if he thinks anyone is going to believe that a kid he used to be in a group home with but has sporadic contact at best with now "just" got hit by a car and the kid's mom called difficult child on his nonexistent phone to tell him to come to the hospital, but who knows which one, ASAP. Really!!??!!?!?

    He then started going off about how he doesn't have to stay there if he doesn't want to. I calmly told him -"you know what difficult child? You're right! You don't HAVE to stay there but it might be a good idea if you do since you have NOWHERE else to go. It's also freezing out and we are expecting about 5 inches of snow. If you chose to leave fine but don't show up here bc there will be a huge problem if you do. Please call me tomorrow and let me know what decision you made so I can contact the MH worker and let her know where you are." And then I hung up.

    And guess what? I'm CALM. Just disgusted with his behavior but I'm not panicking or paralyzed with fear. You know why? Because I KNOW I have been doing everything I can to help him and if he can't follow some basic rules in order to have a place to sleep than that's on him!
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hang in there, you're doing great. No arguing...just the facts Jack!

    I hope he got wise. He sound like such a fifth grader.

  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    buddy - a fifth grader is definitely pushing it! I was thinking more along the lines of 3rd maybe 4th! Lol I haven't heard back from him so hopefully he got over himself. If not - oh well.

    And I think I'm officially done with arguing! With everyone! It gets me nowhere. If I simply state the facts and move on my life is so much more peaceful. Like just now for instance easy child/difficult child was looking at something inappropriate on his tablet (a youtube video about minecraft but the language is atrocious and he knows he's not allowed to watch it) and he tried to hide it when I came into the room. I simply asked him to hand me the tablet and took it. No arguing, no yelling.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You're doing well. For a while, with my druggie daughter, even when she was living at home, I had this permanant lump in my throat and knot in my stomach. I never did make it to where you are until she was at her brother's house out of town and her brother, who was straighter than a ruler, told me she was not in trouble. Sounds like even if your difficult child doesn't have his priorities right yet, YOU are making good progress in YOUR life.
    Why are difficult child's the worst liars in the world? When my daughter used to lie, her lies never added up and everyone knew it yet she'd insist her lies weren't lies. (Sigh) Hope you continue to handle yourself so well and hope difficult child does the smart thing and obeys the shelter's rules tonight.
  5. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thank you MWM! I'm definitely trying but it is SO hard. It's a constant, daily struggle for me to be strong and make decisions that I feel are best for all involved. I know all too well about that lump in the throat and knot in the stomach! It will be two weeks tomorrow since difficult child suddenly came back from PA and my stomach is a mess. I've lost 13 lbs which I'm happy about but not happy that it's from constant fear, worry, and stress.

    I honestly don't know why I'm so calm tonight when normally I freak out in this kind of situation. Maybe because I've had it? Maybe because there's only so much I can do for him? I saw him yesterday and he seemed fine. I took him for a drive, out to lunch and then to buy some clothes. We had a really nice day but today we're back to the drama.

    As for the lying - difficult child has always lied about everything. And he's a horrible liar. The very scary thing though is that he actually believes his lies are the truth and very rarely let's things go. I'm hoping the medications will help with that. I'm also hoping that he's calmed down and is in the warmth of the shelter tonight.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JKF, good for you! I loved what you said to him, it was perfect, leaving him to choose, and hanging up. YAY!! Calm is good! I am glad to hear you are not paralyzed with fear, you don't deserve to feel that, there isn't any more you can do, you are right, you've done everything you possibly can. If he chooses to sleep in the snow, so be it, he made that choice. No arguing, perfect I am very proud of you JKF, on this crazy road of detachment, you've moved through a lot of muck to get where you are and if I were you I would celebrate this evening.........have a glass of wine, laugh, enjoy yourself. In this moment, you've done all you can do, you stated the facts and retreated, go into your quiet reading space and relish that peace you feel. Good job!
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Woo Hoo

    2 for 2

    That's 100% for the mama team!
  8. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Ugggh! So I haven't spoken to difficult child today and I'm sure I won't hear from him until he needs something bc he's mad that I'm not feeding into his drama. I did check his FB page and he's on there ranting about the staff at the shelter and how they take their power and abuse it. Also ranting about how they're out to kill the homeless. Pure insanity. I can't take it. I feel another crisis coming on but I really can't do much more to help him. I'm going to email the MH worker and let her know what's going on. Maybe they can help figure out alternative housing until the safe haven becomes available.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Print out what you see, in case it helps the MH worker make the case for moving faster...
  10. JKF - I am so impressed with how you handled his dramatic behaviour. good for you! So proud of you and I'm glad you shared because it helps people like me learn as well.

    I'm glad you were able to check facebook and at least know that he is ok even if he hasn't contacted you. I do that with my difficult child as well. I go online and check his phone account to see if he is sending his usual 500+ texts a day and his FB as well.

    *Insane had a great idea for printing everything out for the MH worker - just don't let difficult child know you did it because he'll probably block you from his FB account if he knows.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I did a screen shot of his page and sent it to the MH worker when I emailed her. Hopefully that will help her understand his issues better. Don't get me wrong - they MHA has been extremely helpful but I need them to understand that difficult child is not coping well at the temp shelter. Hopefully this will help move things along.

    I didn't hear from him at all today. First time in two weeks he hasn't made contact with me but that's ok. He needs to realize that HE needs to try too.

    Thank you ALL for your support. I'm trying so hard to stay strong and with all of you cheering me on I'm definitely succeeding!
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

  13. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    So difficult child has officially left the temp shelter and has been sleeping at the train station for the past two nights. I'm so disgusted and fed up with him. He can't just follow some simple rules so he has a place to stay?? Really? I'm literally sick to my stomach.
  14. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Actually I just found out he was kicked out of the shelter for not following rules and being verbally abusive. The office of temp assistance can't help him now for 6 mo bc he caused his own homelessness. F'ing wonderful! The MHA can still help him get into safe haven but he'll be on the streets until there is an opening. I just sent him a FB message letting him know how disappointed we are and that this is on him now. I said I put every ounce that I have into helping him and he isn't helping himself so I'm done. I said don't come here bc that is not an option. I suggested maybe going into the hospital and getting some help. I also gave him the number for the MHA worker. They are different from the Office of Temp assistance so they can still help him. Ugggggggghhhhhhhhhh!
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2013
  15. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I remember reading in another thread something that RE had posted about the ultimate fear of not helping our difficult child's would possibly result in their death. That's always always always been my biggest fear but like she said I'm powerless against preventing fate. I've tried EVERYTHING I can to help him and he doesn't want the help. So I guess it's in fate's hands now. Whatever happens is what's meant to be.
  16. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I'm heart broken for you. I think he actually will be ok, I don't understand how, but many survive this. Maybe he needs to experience it to not want it again.??? WHo knows.

    Do you think he really chooses this kind of thing or is this because he really can't do better or??? I suppose it is a combo of all of the above, usually there is not easy answer.

    You still did well though. Gave him facts, left it on him. I admire you so much.
  17. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    buddy - in my heart I feel like he will be ok too. I don't know exactly why but I do think he'll make it through this.

    It's so difficult with my difficult child. I don't necessarily think that he chooses to act this way but I do feel that he has some control over his actions. I'm not trying to punish him but I need to be firm and make him understand that I have done everything in my power to help him but his actions keep causing him to end up back at rock bottom. HE needs to try to help himself and at this point I feel that the only way for him to do that is to think he's on his own. Of course I will keep trying to get him help in every way i can but he can't know that at this point.

    This whole thing literally makes me sick but I don't know what else I can do. No one will help. I am at a loss.
  18. JKF - I'm so sorry he got himself kicked out. My difficult child did the same thing in December. Couldn't get himself back to the shelter by 11pm so he lost his bed and ended up sleeping at a fast food restaurant overnight and spent a few nights sleeping in an ATM vestibule. Broke my heart but he didn't seem to mind.

    Your difficult child is being resourceful like mine was - they both found someplace warm to sleep that didn't put any rules on them or require anything from them. I know how heartbreaking it is but he is warm and safe for now and you've done everything you can.

    I told my difficult child that I'd go to the ends of the earth to help him but my willingness does not good because he doesn't want to help himself. Until they want to help themselves our hands our tied.

    Again, I'm so sorry. I can imagine how worried and stressed you are because of this. Please do something nice for yourself today that will help relieve this stress and take your mind off of it even if it's just for a short while.
    Big hugs for you.
  19. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Thanks wtwe! I'm sorry that you've had to deal with the same situation. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It's horrible to sit back and watch your mentally ill child self destruct. I have no other option though. He can't come home and every time I get him in a group home or shelter he won't stay or gets himself kicked out somehow. It's devastating that I can't fix this but I'm honestly starting to accept the fact that I may never be able to. Thank for your support! I am going to try to take care of me for a change and enjoy the day. It's beautiful out today so I think I'm going to take easy child/difficult child and go for a nice walk.
  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    JKF, geez, I'm sorry your difficult child flew the coop. I completely understand your feelings and have much compassion for your mangled mothers heart. My heart has been quite mangled too from my difficult child's behavior. But, as you mentioned, you did EVERYTHING possible for him, there is nothing left for you to do. You can rest in that knowledge. He chose to refuse to follow the rules and be abusive.

    One thing that always strikes me as odd and yet it is prevalent behavior with certain difficult child's, is their remarkable lack of capacity for any authority or what they perceive as authority. My daughter is exactly the same. In her world, the way she lives, without any rules, not adhering to any social norms or commitments is what she would describe as freedom. It is certainly a skewered reality based in part on their mental illness, but it is worth looking at for you. They are making choices based on an internal drive to not answer to anyone, so in a strange way, they are living out their value system the way they believe it best serves them. I am certainly not condoning this behavior, I'm just trying to give you a different way to frame it which may help you. It is not my world, it is not your world, it is not how we want to live nor is it how WE want them to live. But, we have no choice, do we? In their commitment to their freedom reality, they are really remarkably tenacious, cunning, manipulative and resourceful. You can read about their abilities to survive on the streets all over this forum. If it weren't so terrifying and out there, you would almost have to commend them for being able to do it.

    I have a schizophrenic brother who for a long period of time lived on the streets in Los Angeles. We had no idea where he was until I got a call from a Social Worker that he had been picked up having a breakdown in public. They sent him to me. He stayed with me for a few months. I live in a small, relatively quiet Northern California town. After a few months he told me he was going back to LA to live on the streets because my town was "too boring and there was nothing to do." He had all his needs met in a beautiful, safe environment and family around him. I was aghast and unprepared for that response. But, that's what he did. That was 20 years ago,....... as he aged, living on the streets was less enticing so my other brother and I got him on disability and got him a room in a boarding house in Hollywood where he's been ever since. He lives in his own world, but he is safe and I told him he had to periodically contact me by mail (he has no phone) to let us know he is okay. He has honored my request for 20 years. That's as good as it gets sometimes.

    Sometimes with all our efforts, with all of our love and all of our support, our kids still go off the normal rails and refuse to live by our standards. Sometimes they wake up and come back, go on their medications and leave that life behind. Sometimes they don't. Your boy is still very young and has many choices before him. Like some kids here, after a while the streets may lose their appeal and he may want to be more compliant. Or he may be like my daughter, at 40, still fighting the freedom fight while all normal truths point to a wasted life, while she blithely continues down her path fighting for her limitations. It's very sad for me, but I've learned to accept that it is her choice. I hope your boy wakes up. But whether he does or he doesn't, you need to go on with your life.

    On my desk here at work, I have a small piece of paper which is right where I can't miss it......on it it says, "Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions." That is my daily mantra, I know that it is true.

    I love that you said you are going to go and enjoy the day for a change. That is being detached. That is the serenity prayer. That is healthy. Great job! (((HUGS))))