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difficult child left after christmas breakfast
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 7951" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>[ QUOTE ]</p><p></p><p></p><p>HH, Barbara: Don't forget to take care of yourself. in my humble opinion, self care is sooooo very important when you have a difficult child. </p><p></p><p>Perhaps in a certain kind of way...this also sends a message to our difficult children... </p><p></p><p>[/ QUOTE ]</p><p></p><p>I agree with you there, Nomad. Not only that, but I think our behaviors and responses, whatever they are, continue to teach our kids how to interact in the world. If raging shatters us and enables them to get what they want, that is what they will take into the world. If their rages, or their hard luck stories, have little effect on us beyond "What are you going to do?" or "I know you will do the right thing." then I think they may not try that baloney in the world outside the family, either. If we can be healthier ourselves, if we can have some separate place to go and be anything but somebody's mother ~ I think we model those kinds of healthier attitudes for our difficult children, too.</p><p></p><p>It's just that when we (or at least, when I am) are confronted with a child (even a grown up one) in pain and messing up every gift of intelligence or appearance or potential, we are devastated. We are so desperate to help them change, to help them recover.</p><p></p><p>But here is a thing that occurred to me not so long ago.</p><p></p><p>I am desperate to help difficult child recover who <strong>I</strong> believe he should be.</p><p></p><p>So, I have been trying to let go of that, too.</p><p></p><p>I do not get to say anymore, who he should be.</p><p></p><p>I am trying not to regret who he is not, or resent him for who he has chosen to become.</p><p></p><p>Which brings me back to striving for calm dominance, again.</p><p></p><p>It's better than the falling apart and the beating myself up looking for why this happened and how I could change it that I used to do. :tongue:</p><p></p><p>I think it is easier for me now though, because my difficult child is past the point that anything I can do could help or hinder him.</p><p></p><p>When we still think there is a chance to save them from themselves, how could we not try?</p><p></p><p>But having something, somewhere to go and someone to be which has nothing to do with the problem child is very good and healthy for us as we go through it, I think.</p><p></p><p>Wishing us all well, Nomad!</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p><p></p><p>P.S. Maybe I should change my name to "Scent of Ceasar"?!?</p><p></p><p> :rofl:</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 7951, member: 3353"] [ QUOTE ] HH, Barbara: Don't forget to take care of yourself. in my humble opinion, self care is sooooo very important when you have a difficult child. Perhaps in a certain kind of way...this also sends a message to our difficult children... [/ QUOTE ] I agree with you there, Nomad. Not only that, but I think our behaviors and responses, whatever they are, continue to teach our kids how to interact in the world. If raging shatters us and enables them to get what they want, that is what they will take into the world. If their rages, or their hard luck stories, have little effect on us beyond "What are you going to do?" or "I know you will do the right thing." then I think they may not try that baloney in the world outside the family, either. If we can be healthier ourselves, if we can have some separate place to go and be anything but somebody's mother ~ I think we model those kinds of healthier attitudes for our difficult children, too. It's just that when we (or at least, when I am) are confronted with a child (even a grown up one) in pain and messing up every gift of intelligence or appearance or potential, we are devastated. We are so desperate to help them change, to help them recover. But here is a thing that occurred to me not so long ago. I am desperate to help difficult child recover who [b]I[/b] believe he should be. So, I have been trying to let go of that, too. I do not get to say anymore, who he should be. I am trying not to regret who he is not, or resent him for who he has chosen to become. Which brings me back to striving for calm dominance, again. It's better than the falling apart and the beating myself up looking for why this happened and how I could change it that I used to do. [img]:tongue:[/img] I think it is easier for me now though, because my difficult child is past the point that anything I can do could help or hinder him. When we still think there is a chance to save them from themselves, how could we not try? But having something, somewhere to go and someone to be which has nothing to do with the problem child is very good and healthy for us as we go through it, I think. Wishing us all well, Nomad! Barbara P.S. Maybe I should change my name to "Scent of Ceasar"?!? [img]:rofl:[/img] [/QUOTE]
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