difficult child lost her job and wants us to "lend" her money . . .

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Kathy813, May 20, 2010.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I still have not talked to difficult child since the big exit but husband has not been able to help himself. She showed up here unexpectedly yesterday and wanted to come in and lie down. Evidently, her new family wasn't home and haven't given her a key so she couldn't get in. husband did not let her come in and talked to her outside. She started the usual . . . she was our daughter and why weren't we treating her like one . . . seems like she doesn't connect her actions with the consequences.

    Anyway, today she called and told husband that she had been let go from her job at the new salon. She had been there about a month. According to her, it was because of complaints about her haircuts. I have a feeling that there is more to the story. There always is with difficult child. I am sure that she was stealing from the first salon she worked for since her bathroom closet looked like a beauty supply store and wonder if she got caught at this one.

    She actually had the nerve to ask husband for a "loan" to tide her over until the fall when she is going back to school (more on that later). She asked for $300 and told husband she would sign a contract. husband told her that all of the bills and credit cards she never paid back were also contracts and that contracts obviously don't mean much to her.

    Can you believe this? After stealing our credit card and stealing some of my clothes on her explosive exit, she thinks that we are going to give her money? Seriously?

    husband held his ground and suggested that she get out there and look for another job just like everybody else. He also got online and checked her claims that she had already applied for the fall semester and she lied about that, too. She also never turned in the paperwork about her DUI that the school had requested so her file is currently suspended.

    The more that I read about borderline personality disorder the more I see my difficult child.

    The drama never ends.

  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Kathy, sure sounds like borderline. And the only way to help her is to force her to face the repercussions of her actions. If she thinks there is even the slightest chance of you or husband waffling, she'll be all over you in a minute.

    Nichole learned, thankfully, before it got to huge issues. But she just could not connect.......I can rip your head off one second......and expect you to take me shopping the next.....so why don't you want to? Forever. If she was over it, everyone else should have been over it. It took me being firm with the whole family about giving in to her. Her sibs were the worst, believe it or not. lol She still backslides on occasion, but it doesn't get far because we've relearned our behavior.

    Good for husband! He's really coming around isn't he? :D

  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I don't think I could have resisted telling her that we needed that $300 to replace all the clothes she stole!

    She's got some nerve!

    Good for you and husband for standing firm!!
  4. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    I'm with the others on standing your ground, good job husband! I know it's so hard to watch them struggle, even you're so mad at them! But she's old enough now to face the real-life consequences all on her own. The fact that you've proved several lies should firm up yours & husband's stand. Ach! Never seems to get any easier, does it? Thinking of you! Breathe, and Let Go. Repeat.

  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My Oldest has lost job after job over the years, and has always managed to find another. She always has a big dramatic story about how it wasn't her fault. I don't give her money to tide her over, although I've occasionally bought her groceries, and I do buy her medical (ostomy) supplies. Honestly, she finds friends to "mooch" off of for places to sttay and money, there is always someone (usually a new friend) willing to help her out. Once she got used to me not helping, she figured it out and stopped asking .. but it took some time.

    Honestly, I think she is throwing out the "when I got back to school" thing as a ploy to make you think she's "doing the right thing." If she wants to go to school, she will have to work full time and go part-time, like so many other people do. Don't let her use that as a carrot to make you feel like she's going to change her life, therefore you should "help" her until she gets through it. been there done that before. She sounds SO much like my Oldest when she was at her worst.. and I can tell you that with years of detachment practice and NOT helping her, she has improved as far as her treatment of me and her sense of entitlement. I kicked her out at her worst at 19, she is now 26.

    Stand strong. And do look into buying/borrowing that book I mentioned awhile back, the "Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" ... I found it immensely helpful.
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks, all. After husband turned off his cell phone last night, she left 10 text messages saying that she needed help. I pointed out to him that she did not leave them on my phone since she knows that he is the weak link. It's easier for me, though, since I have you guys.

    CrazyinVA ~ I am going to order that book today. I know that the back to school thing is all talk.

  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Kathy, why not suggest your husband come here? He could be "Kathy's Man" and maybe if we could talk more of the dad's into coming eventually they could have their own forum, "guy talk" or "dad's view" or whatever.

    Dads do have a harder time with daus. My own dad will do all kinds of stuff for me - not that I expect him to but it is appreciated.

    I don't think your daughter is capable of appreciation or of honesty at this point. Keep supporting your husband so he does not slip. Would changing your phone numbers be a good idea? That way she couldn't keep texting and calling. Cause you don't HAVE to open the door when she rings the bell.

    Or maybe block her number if your phone has that service. It is easier to keep saying no if you don't even know she is asking.

    I am so sorry she isn't capable of comprehending that her actions mean that you no longer are willing to help her in any way, that your refusal is because she has stolen from and cheated you so many times. If you continue to stand up and say no, to refuse to be drawn in to her conflama, hopefully she will eventually get it.

    I guess I am thinking of blocking her number or changing your numbers as being sort of the same preventative measure as Witz not having a second bed in her home so that her kids won't ask to come stay with her.

    Whatever you do, I hope that you manage to keep out of her drama and that someday she will treat you with the respect and real love you deserve.

  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Kathy, I'm so proud of your husband for standing his ground. Not letting her into the house is huge. I don't know that I could have done that.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good for you guys.

    Kathy I just came across another book I think might be a good read. Its called Broken Glass. It is written by a father about his daughter with a personality disorder and how he and his wife raised her from childhood into adulthood. I want to read it myself.
  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    My daughter has lost several jobs. Always one outrageous reason after the other. She doesn't seem to learn and it is so sad. We refuse to help her any more. She still looks though and this is a positive.
    Do hope that you will set boundaries here. One big positive in your favor is that she has the right training. Hopefully, other things will piece together. The going back to college thing kinda sounds like a distraction.
    Thrilled that you are getting that book! I understand those "eggshell" books are great. Might be the same author.
  11. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Kathy, I'm really proud of both of you and so glad that you're standing your ground too! She just never stops, does she!

    The whole thing sounds kind of hokey to me. If she could make $300 last all the way til next fall, she's a much better money manager than I am! Are you sure she's really lost her job - or could it be that she just need a quick $300?
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Donna ~ I had the same exact thought. I guess I could call the salon and ask for an appointment with difficult child and see what they say . . .

    And no, she never stops. Two nights ago she called and left a message that she thought she was having a heart attack. When husband called her back, she said it was just indigestion. Then today, she called to inform husband that she had found out what was wrong with her the other night . . . she said that she had a "warning stroke." Say what??? Does she really think that we believe this stuff?

    What next?

    I ordered both books from Amazon a little while ago. The reviews on The Broken Glass broke are very good but I have a feeling it is going to be very hard to read. . . too close to home.

  13. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Wow! What a coincidence! She had a "warning stroke" on the exact same day as Bret Michaels. It must be a sign!

    Perhaps she needs $300 to get on a plane out to LA to visit him...
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    LOL Daisy

    She does realize that she is considerably young for either a heart attack or a stroke, right?? LOL :tongue:
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WOW...strokes, heart attacks...amazing.

    Kathy...might I make a suggestion? Find a nice piece of cardboard. Say 2 foot wide and 18 inches tall. Take a nice bold, black Sharpie pen and write on it "HOMELESS-NEED WORK OR FOOD" Cover said cardboard with saran wrap and tape it shut so the rain wont get it wet.

    Hand it to her the next time she comes begging. Im sure you have corners at overpasses.
  16. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I was thinking the same thing! Good for your husband for standing firm!
    Hugs to you both.
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I said the same thing! When she first left the messages about the heart attack, I told husband she was too young (although my dad did have his first heart attack at 33). Then yesterday when he told me about the "warning stroke," I told him about Brett Michaels who husband had never heard of. I know that difficult child follows celebrity gossip sites so it was an amazing coincidence, don't you think?

    husband blocked her number today after she called asking for $10 for her medications. I reminded him that she was abusing the medications and selling them and if we gave her the money we were enabling her to do that. He decided to block her number completely. I'm sure she will end up at our doorstep.

  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Have that overpass sign ready for when she shows up.
  19. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Just keep reminding yourselves that by not reacting to her drama and not fulfilling her urgent need of the minute is a way to help her to
    face consequence.
    husband did well and you are a good support to him.
  20. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy, the drama just never ends does it? You and husband are doing all the right things, but I know this breaks your mommy heart at the same time. Don't you wish she could just see that it's her own behavior that causes her trouble? I keep telling difficult child that she could have it so much better, it's up to her.

    Sending hugs,