difficult child lost one of her jobs

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by exhausted, Nov 3, 2012.

  1. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Well it was only a matter of time. She lost the one working with kids that she loved so much. She said she quit before
    They fired her. She said the manager wrote everyone up because the kids left paint in the bathrooms and the
    group leaders should have checked the bathrooms. Her boss is a former student of mine..had lots of learning problems
    and a bit gfgish. Thought it might work out! But no....difficult child cant take any critism. She quit on the spot.

    She had a huge melt down...borderline episode last night. She nailed me to the wall. Hasnt happened in awhile but she pretty
    much blamed for everything about her abuse to being a super critical, hard to please person. Quite scathing.
    I know better than to take it on but having a tough time. Wonder if anything she said is right and we havent delt with it.

    She is tough to handle. Really upset the house last night.
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. They have such a hard time conforming to rules and I think that's why our difficult children can't hold a job for very long.
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know those episodes well and understand completely. It is so hard to ignore even though you know it is the mental illness speaking.

  4. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I'm sorry. All our difficult children have trouble with jobs....authority...rules...accountability.
  5. BKS

    BKS New Member


    I am sorry to hear about your difficult child's latest experience and how she "nailed you to the wall."

    My difficult child is very abusive to me, hypercritical of anything he perceives that I have done wrong, etc. that has made him the "mess he is today". Our family therapist said that he is projecting his self-hatred on a convenient target but it is VERY painful and I know the feeling of thinking, "well maybe there is something to what he saying...." However, remember we ALL do our best and often times our children make poor decisions that compound and eventually lead them to a miserable place in life and it is easier to blame someone else. In my son's case, he is bright and attended private school (with tutors, extra activities, etc.) but barely graduated and we didn't know for sure until days before the ceremony. He has chosen to get immersed in the world of drugs and is now out of our house after breaking into our home, stealing from us, and lying about everything imaginable.

    This past week I decided I will not let him vent, rant and rave at me any longer. I am not a punching bag and if he starts up he will just need to leave. I know your situation is different for a hundred reasons but please remember that you have a life to live and I can't imagine there being any other friend, family member, or colleague you would let talk to you like your difficult child sounds like she is. Think of yourself first and take care of yourself. I am finding slowly but surely that everything seems to fall into place when I do this. Everything falls in place for me, my son's life is in his hands.

  6. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Thank you for your replies. I would really like to "not" allow her to rage at me. Honestly there is no controlling anyone but me.
    I did leave when I had enough. Sometimes I can deescalate her...thus I hung in there too long. In the past this would have lead to a psychiatric. Hospital admit.
    She did come down on her own and no suicide ideation or attemp. Isnt it sad that this is progress? We will pray that things go better in the next few days.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Exhausted I am sorry she erupted on you. Maybe something is in the air because I had a major meltdown this week over my neighbor and my dogs. I call it "going borderline" on someone. Or something I suppose. I start ramping up and up until I work myself up into a tizzy with all these evil plans I want to do to someone that I really wont do but I want to so darned bad. I guess the good part is that I am old enough that I have the good sense to know I cant really do what I want to do because I would get caught. There is no perfect crime. I can just make my family miserable while I pitch my fit until I get it out of my system. They have always told me that one of the things I have been lucky about is that I have my family around me that supports me even if they dont really understand me because if they werent there I would have probably ended up hospitalized several times because I would have had no one to talk me down from the edge.
  8. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Do these episodes ever lessen in intensity? She is so intense. I am glad that she eventually self soothed.
    Do you have strategies for this? She also talked to her brother. Somehow he is able to listen and give advise
    where I cant. Luckily her threats are always towards herself...no lashing out at others physically at least.
    WARD? She is an adult and the stuff has changed. She did have a good day yesterday with a friend...almost
    Like nothing happened?? Go figure.
    Hope things are better with your neighbor and dogs. These situations are so hard....we had one where our neighbor
    Was horrid to our 20 year old cat! Hang in there Janet. I always appreciate your input and prospective...it gives me hope
    that she can someday have a life on her own. :)
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Exhausted. I only act out at home now. Im sure when I was younger I was much more like your daughter but there was never a name for this. I dont have a whole lot of memories of stuff as a teen because, well, it was a haze...lol. I do know that when I first got with Tony I was awful. The fact that he stayed with me is a mystery. I did everything in my power to force him to leave me because I was just so sure he wouldnt stick around because no one else ever had. I just knew no one could ever love me. That is the fundamental underlying thing that borderline is built on. We simply feel that we have no self worth and we are completely useless and unlovable and everyone will leave us someday. Because of that we will always try to control situations so that we can call the shots and not allow anyone to be able to hurt us first. We do the hurting. I will strike first.

    I am sure whatever your daughter says or does is motivated by fear. It may come out as anger but it is based in fear. When she can learn to put another emotion to what comes out as anger, then she will get better.

    Let me give you an example.

    One night Tony was due home from working out of town. He had been up in VA for two weeks and he had told me they were leaving the motel at 11am. That should have put him home at my house around no later than 6pm. Okay. 6 comes and he isnt home. I start to worry. 7 comes and I get more worried. 8 comes and I am ticked. 9 comes and I try to call his bosses wife and she doesnt answer. 10 comes and I am so mad Im pacing. I am imaging everything from them just having car trouble to them crashing into a semi to them all being arrested. He walks in at about 11:30 only to be met by me screaming like a lunatic at him and throwing everything I could get my hands on at him all the while telling him he was a GD Liar about where he had been because I had called the motel and they had checked out that morning and where the MFing hell had he been all day? yeah..lovely rant.

    Then he gets mad and at midnight we are going at it like to tigers.

    What really happened? They checked out of the motel but had to work on the job until 5 but he didnt have a way to call me and let me know because I had the only cell phone.

    In reality, I wasnt mad at him, I was scared to death of what could have happened to him but I didnt know how to put names to my emotions yet. I knew maybe 3/4 emotions at that time. I knew anger/rage/happy/sad. I had to learn more.

    How we solved my worry problem was we got two cell phones so that when he is working and on the road, he has his phone and he can call me. Then I dont have to worry.

    Now obviously I do have a pretty good understanding of my disorder so I can tell when things arent going well but things still go wrong for me. I still get upset. I still cant help some of the stuff that I do. I used to cut myself or put holes in the walls. I was infamous for throwing things out windows or doors. Once in a blue moon I still might throw a plate if I have no other outlet for frustration. That hadnt happened in awhile before Buck came onto the scene but he has stressed me out quite a bit.

    I hope that something I say helps you understand better. Heck, maybe something I say will help you talk to your daughter and help her understand herself better.
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The same thing happens with my difficult child. She will have an episode and do something really bad or explode and then when it is over she acts like nothing happened and expects us to just forget that anything happened. When we stay angry, she goes into her victim mode that we hate her.

    I understand more than I use to but it still drives me crazy.
  11. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I am learning more and more. I have read all the major books. I think I need to reread. I dont think I was in a stage of "radical acceptance" as they say in DBT. Sometimes she seems so normal and then wham.

    Kathy, the way they come off of these episodes is bafling. It makes me wonder if they are just trying to push us away. When they realize we are still there....they are ok. We on the other hand are shredded. Im getting tougher!

    Janet, she only has these episodes at home with 2 exceptions when she was in residential treatment. Interesting they occured
    when she had closely bonded with her therapists and they did something that made her not feel she had control. And yes, control is her big deal. She will do anything
    to assert it. She is pretty self-aware and can tell you all this but has little desire to be in control of any part of it. Maybe thats not fare, she did come out of it better
    Than she has in the past.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    yes they are trying to push you away! She is convinced you dont want her because she isnt good enough for you. You couldnt possibly want her because XYZ. I know why mine is. My mother told me she didnt love me from the time I was an infant. Yes, that is true. My very earliest memories are of my mother telling me that I loved her but that then I that I didnt love her anymore because she didnt love me. Talk about one confused baby. Then of course there was the babysitter who liked me so much that she abused me.
  13. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    The being pushed away .....yep, know how that feels.

  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Yep, someone once described my young difficult child as a "stay away closer" kind of person. They push you away but don't "really" want you to leave or give up on them.

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sorry I missed this earlier, just wanted to say I'm so sorry you were the target again. Its really sad/disappointing about the job too. I'm glad there are friends here who can help shed some light and support. hugs to you...Dee
  16. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I'm sorry that she lost something she loved, and I am VERY sorry that she took it out on you in such a terrible way. It is so difficult and frustrating for the parents of a difficult child to watch them destroy the very things that they love. Speaking for myself, I'm always hoping for that one magic thing ... that one Hallmark movie moment..when her true passion (and, in my fantasy, the true passion is always a GOOD thing lol) and soars into the greatness that I know is her potential. But in real life that is rare. So rare that they make Hallmark movies out of it when it does happen.

    Hang in there, exhausted.

    Last edited: Nov 5, 2012
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If a person simply has bipolar, then it is likely that they can find a passion and it will help them focus themselves. Having the comorbid borderline makes it much harder because you may find a passion, if you arent perfect at it, you give up because you feel no one will accept you with your flaws. I went to college and graduated with 3 kids 7 and under. I did it with a 4.0. I could never get a job in my field because simply didnt have experience and we felt day care for 3 kids that age would be more than what I would make anyway. It finally took me about 9 years to really find a job I ended up loving and I would have never even though I would have liked it back when I was younger.