difficult child moved out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Oct 5, 2010.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    She told us last week that she was moving out of our home and in with a couple of room mates that she works with (she has been working in a restaurant). They are supposedly sharing a house about 15 minutes from here near where they work. Her friend had the house to himself and her and two other friends were moving in. We kind of knew this would happen as soon as she came of age which is Sunday. It's different this time. There was no fight, no argument, no event prior to her leaving. She even came by over the weekend to take some stuff and was very respectful and nice while she was here and told us she loved us when she left. We hope she can behave like that every time she comes to visit.
    Now, how long this will last, who knows. I hope this is what it takes for her to grow up and take responsibility for herself but I am not exactly cleaning out the bedroom, either. I told her that we love her deeply and we will be here shoud she decide she needs help. She is not taking any medications and there is nothing I can do now to enforce that now.
    She told me she has two more job interviews today. difficult child is definitely going to need to work more than one job to support herself - especially since the restaurant is only $4.00 per hour (probably plus tips, but I don't know). She will not give me her address - says she will visit us here. That definitely bugs me, but not sure I can do anything about that, either?
    How much is she telling the truth about anything? I will never know. I don't trust anything she says because she lies soooo much and is sooo good at it. But, she is legally allowed to move out and there is nothing we can do about it, not that we would even want to.
    Now I am trying to let go. How in the world do you let go??? I find myself still wanting to know every inch of her business. I left her cellphone on, even though husband wanted to shut it off. I told him she will need that for work to be able to call her and interviews, etc. I do not want to hinder her being able to provide for herself. But I find myself checking the phone records daily to see when she has been on the phone and when she possibly sleeps. I am going to drive myself crazy doing that. I need to stop. Just make sure she is not going over on our minutes and that is it.
    So, how do you let go? I even kind of miss her as wierd as that may sound...
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Is this your 16dd? Should that be updated to 18 or is it legal for her to move out at 16?

    Anyway, about letting go. I suggest reading CoDependent No More - it will help you to shift your focus away from her and her business and back to you and yours. You have to STOP yourself from looking at phone records and from driving yourself crazy wanting to know every inch of her business. Believe me, I know - been there done that with both my daughters. And let me tell you, once you are free from the 'need to know', it is soooooooo lovely and freeing. Suddenly, you have time to pursue your own interests and enjoy just being in your home and doing things for yourself and the quiet and peacefulness, just fabulous.

    I wish there were groups similar to Al Anon for parents of difficult children, but it could be the next best thing for you, if you're open to it and instead of applying the methodology as if difficult child were an alcoholic, you simply follow the steps to being less codependent. I know that reading through and working through the steps (most of them), for me, helped not only with my H but with everyone else in my life from my difficult child to easy child to my sisters and coworkers. Check it out on line if you're interested.

    It's is nice when they leave the nest without any strife or conflict, as my easy child did. When I asked about seeing the place, she initially seemed like she didn't want us to see it, but after the first week she invited us over. Of course, when we arrived, the boyfriend was there and we left after only a brief visit - there was nothing to see or talk about as she's sharing a condo with a couple (strange). It would disturb me also that your daughter isn't giving you her address. However, that's her choice, immature as it seems to us, and you just have to live with it for now. Either things will crumble and she'll come back home or, quite possibly, this will be her stepping off point to full fledged adulthood! Hugs, be good to yourself.
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    In our state, they can legally move out at 17. They are also considered a legal adult at 17, meaning if she is arrested she is treated as an adult. Yet, we couldn't kick her out until 18 and if she ends up with nowhere to go and wants to come back home, we have to take her back. But, it was her choice to move. I'm happy she at least got her GED before she went off on her own. Hopefully she makes it! I pray every day she will. Now, yes, I need to work on letting go....hubby and I are going to join a pool league. We figure it is time to do something for us at least one night a week! Al anon is a really good idea. I am going to look up where they have them here. Lord knows having people who understand what you are going through is worth a pot of gold! Thanks :)
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Hearts, I never realized I was codependent until I looked it up and it pretty much sums me up. I am obssessed with fixing her. Always have been. I am going to Goodwill today to look for that book!! husband is out of town all next week - plenty of time to read that book and focus on me! Thank you :)
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Stop trying to fix her and let her be herself. Even if it is not what you want her to be.

    She is doing a good thing - getting out on her own, learning real life lessons. It is OK. She may always learn them the hard way - but as long as she learns that is all that matters.

    Stop checking the phone. Why don't you just make a phone call and talk to her on that cell phone instead?
  6. min4kids

    min4kids Guest

    Thanks for the book reference, and I know what you are talking about. Don't we all fantasize about that mother-daughter relationship? You know a son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all of her life? I have 3 sons and I pray that's not true. I can say for now, those boys are what keep me going. My daughter and I were best friends but then she broke my heart.
  7. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I feel for you. Letting go is very hard, but there does come a time to allow them to just be. I did the same thing you're doing with the phone, so I understand. I realized, though, that it changed nothing and it did not bring me any peace. On the contrary, it just kept me engaged. I stopped and you can, too. Take it a day at a time and do your best to focus on what it is about her that you love and what it is about her that makes you proud. difficult children are tough, but even our difficult children have qualities that make us proud.
    Hang in there.