difficult child nearing rock bottom?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Payla, Jun 3, 2013.

  1. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Well it has almost been one year since I found this is site, and as I look back, my son has continued to slide downwards, although ,he has made many attempts at getting sober. He is using heroin or pills and has been for years. He has lost his daughter and wife, jobs, his car, and just recently gave his beloved dog up for rescue since he is homeless. My journey is surreal at time as I sit at my desk and interact with successful young people and happy people my age, all dealing with life's ups and downs but not too many with such an extreme case as mine. I love him of course and have endured so much heartache watching him suffer at his own hands. I thought today how he won't follow advise from detox and rehab professionals and tries to do everything his way; he has been like that since he was little and it has never served him well.

    I am much stronger than I was a year ago and I enjoy the blessings in my life, but this definitely overshadows things. I have been having very symbolic dreams lately where he is holding me, squeezing me, and threatening my safety; so interesting, my subconscious is speaking to me and I am working hard to take care of myself . I pointed him towards sources of help today as he left begging messages for help on my work phone. My friend who is an ER physician, said there isn't much help for him as an uninsured addict, and he would have to take a lot of his recovery into his own hands with minimal outpatient services.

    Just venting. I keep thinking about if he dies, how absolutely hard it will be for all of us who love him so much but can't stand him right now as he is.
  2. Payla - I wonder what those dreams mean. Do you think they mean that difficult child is threatening your physical safety or your health and well being? I'm glad you are working hard to take care of yourself. It is difficult when they are constantly coming to you and asking for this and that.

    I feel so awful for our members who must consider that their children might not live through their choices. I'm so sorry you have to think about that too. It occurs to me that I might have to face that with difficult child someday if he tries to commit suicide (he's had a couple of half-hearted attempts - more looking for attention than actually serious) but I feel that those of you dealing with addicted difficult child's suffer so much and it makes me sad for you.

    I can't even liken it to my brother (foster child) that committed suicide at 22. He was depressed his whole life, it seemed. Carrying the burdens of his family history didn't help. In some ways I felt relieved when he passed because I knew he was no longer suffering, no longer in pain and in other ways, of course, I was sad. I think his life and the path he took sort of prepared us for it in a way. But he was my brother. I can't imagine how I would feel if it was my child.

    I'm glad you are finding some joy in your life and are caring for yourself. Hugs to you today.
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I wonder sometimes where we find the strength, Payla.

    It does help to post about it. I am glad you told us.

    Holding you and your son in my thoughts. This is all so awful for him, too.

  4. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Thank you.
  5. Payla - I have reread my post to you and in retrospect is comes across as rather insensitive and I want to apologize for that.

    I meant to be understanding and sympathize with the pain you are in at this point in your journey with your son.

    I am truly sorry for what you and he are both going through and I pray that he seeks help soon and turns things around.
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Payla, what is he begging for in those messages? What does he ask you for?
  7. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Usually money. He has more recently asked me to get him in a long term rehab but he has no insurance. I called a friend who is a substance abuse nurse and she is texting him trying to get him a state slot but they are very hard to get. She did get him state funded methadone but he has to get himself down to our town from where he is about 35 minutes away. I sent him money against my better judgement for food and bus fare down here. He might have used it for drugs. I am trying to let him find his way without us . He has worn everyone out and we can't trust him or help him til he helps himself. We love him very much so this is a very difficult thing to go through.
  8. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Mine has worn me out too. My difficult child started using and stealing at an early age. Been in court ordered rehab twice - walked out of one program a few months before completing and had to extend that program.
    He just leaves me scratching my head I've finally stopped pulling my hair out! Mine threatens suicide and cuts himself. After I helped him (AGAIN) to get away from a dangerous (in my opinion) relationship, he's back with her, but lies about it.
    Mine became angry with me when I said no more money and meant it, and has been NC for about 6 months. It has been much more peaceful.
    He was posting very strange things on FB and had some flare ups with relatives - so at this point no one knows where he is. I never thought I would be in this situation - it is on one hand so very painful to not hear from him - and on the other hand I am more at peace not hearing from him. It was unbearable and my BiPolar (BP) was sky high. I love my child and I wish him the best, I also want the best for me.
    I am so glad you are looking after yourself. I say special prayers for all of us on this forum. Maybe one day ....I never give up hope...I just don't hold my breath waiting...
    (((hugs and blessings)))
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand your willingness to help him get into a long term rehab. If he is asking, perhaps he is ready. I also understand being worn out. I hope he used the money for the bus and I am sending lots of prayers and supportive vibes that some kind of help opens up for him.........and that you find some peace and serenity...........hugs.......
  10. Payla

    Payla New Member

    This support group is just a gift and a life line and I am so greatful for it. You are all good souls
    and I thank you for taking your time to read and then give support. I pray very hard everyday and you are all in my strong prayers.