difficult child out of jail, refuses rehab, I'm losing all hope for him

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by pinevalley, Feb 16, 2012.

  1. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    difficult child was arrested last Friday, and my h and I refused to post his bond. He was shocked that we were not in the courtroom with him, and he was sent to Cook County jail. He called us from jail begging to get out of jail, telling us he knew he needed rehab, etc. We thought that a week-end in jail would terrify him, but this did not work at all. We posted his bond on Monday, and told difficult child that we were driving immediately to the rehab center (the same program that he was in 6 weeks ago). difficult child became enraged about going to rehab, screaming to us that he wanted to come home now. He was totally out of control in the car, and we called rehab and told them that we were having trouble bringing him to rehab. The intake person told me that they would not accept difficult child in his condition, and he needed at least one day at home to be stabilized on his medications. H and I did not want difficult child at home at all, so we drove immediately to emergency room of a local hospital and asked them to admit our son to stabilize his medications. The hospital refused to admit him, because by this time difficult child was calm and under control, and he told the doctor he just needed rest at home. We were not happy about this, but we had to bring difficult child back home.

    Since he came home on Monday night we have tried to drive him to rehab 3 different times, without any success. difficult child has been staying out all day with his loser friends, and he comes home too late to be admitted to rehab, or doesn't come home at all. I told difficult child that rehab would still accept him if he arrived there this afternoon at 2pm. He was picked up by a friend in the morning, and at 1pm he called me with all kinds of excuses (he will go "tomorrow", it is too nice a day today to be stuck in rehab, etc.). Now I know that he is not ready to accept that he has a problem with drugs, and he will not get treatment at this time.

    I was wrong in my last post, and we do not have a court ordered rehab for difficult child, so the sheriff can not take him to rehab. Our attorney told the judge that difficult child is willing to go to rehab when he is out of jail, but it is not court ordered. We have no way to force him to get treatment, and if we force him to stay he will just leave the program. I was so furious when he called today with more excuses, that I told him he was not allowed in our home at all. We have to file papers with the court to legally evict our son, and this could take up to 30 days. Until we evict him he can still get in our house, but I am keeping the doors locked at all times so that he can't enter. He stole jewelry from me, and he has tried to take all kinds of items out of our house to steal for money. We have most valuables locked up in our house, but I'm sure that if he comes in again he will try to steal anything he can carry.

    I am shocked that our son is determined to destroy his life like this. He stole from me, and from two other families that trusted him. I really think that he is enjoying himself right now, because he does not have to go to rehab, he is not going to school at all, and he can hang out with his loser friends all day long and get high. I really regret that we bailed him out of jail, and it is only a matter of time before he goes right back to jail again. He will probably steal something and get arrested, and will be sent back to jail. That does not concern him at all. difficult child actually told me that he sold enough gold coins that he was able to open a savings account with the money. I have no idea where he got these coins (not from h or I), and it is not part of the items that he was arrested for last week.

    difficult child has a court date in two weeks, and our attorney can ask for court ordered rehab at that time. I know that he is not ready to accept rehab right now, but this is still terribly hard to watch him spiral out of control. I feel like we are just waiting for another disaster to happen with our son. This is not the kid that we have raised for 18 years, and we don't even know him anymore.

    Thank you for your prayers when he was in jail. I know that if he goes back to jail we will get lots of collect calls begging us to help him. This is all so very sad for us...
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh PV I am so sorry. Of course he isn't the son you raised, the drugs have turned him into someone else and right now drugs are more important to him than anyone or anything else. I would not let him in and if he tries to force you I wouldl call the police and tell them he is on drugs and he has stolen from you and you are afraid of him and he has already been arrested and is out on bond.

    Yes, he is spiraling out of control. Right now there is nothing you can do except protect yourself and your home and pray he hits bottom and wants help before it's too late.

    Have you read Addict in the Family yet? If not I suggest you read that, it may help.

  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    PV I am so sorry you are going through this. What our difficult children put us through!!

    What happens if you go to the court and ask to have the bond revoked? Will they arrest him and put him back in jail? I suggest you go to the court and talk to probation or someone and find out what you can do.... the courts do have some power..... otherwise my guess is it won't be long before difficult child is arrested again.


  4. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Nancy, yes I have read that book and it was very good. I am reading the next book about recovery now, but this is too soon for us since my difficult child refuses to admit that he even has a problem.
    TL: I have called my attorney to find out how we can revoke his bond. I think that I have to testify about difficult child, and I am not looking forward to doing that.

    I'm sure that difficult child will be home soon, because he didn't take any of his stuff when he left today. I am going to put a few clothes on the porch for him, because I don't want him to enter our house. I feel like we are living under siege right now, because I have to keep our doors locked at all times in case difficult child tries to enter our house. I just hate what drugs did to difficult child, and how our family is ruined now.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You bailed him out right? REVOKE THAT BAIL!

    A weekend is not enough to change anyone. Im sorry. I know I am mean. I know I sound awful and pushy and stupid and negative and every other awful adjective out there you can think of. You are probably thinking that I am the most horrible mother around who could ever have her kid arrested, not post bail, revoke the bail and everything else that comes along with that. Well I guess I am. I have done it a few times. And I cried my eyes out every single time.

    I remember sitting at the crossroads waiting for the bondsmen to go to my house to revoke his bail and crying on the phone to his middle brother who was still in the marines at the time. I think...maybe not...cant remember. He has always been either a military policeman or working for the sheriff's dept so its hard to keep straight. All I know is that while one kid was being taken away, I was sobbing to the other begging him to tell me everything would be okay, that I was doing the right thing.

    I have had to drive him to the jail and walk him to the door to turn him in. And drive away again. It tears my heart out. One time they got the date wrong and we had to come back the next day! Talk about over emotional. I thought I would break down and so did he. I was floored they did that.

    Please, be strong now so you dont have to do this over and over again like I have. I am praying that I am done with it but I dont know that I am. Cory could backslide tomorrow. I will never say he wont.
  6. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Sounds like my son at his age! After a point I left him in jail for 2 months and the bond was small. They know they can wear you down (or try too) he would call collect up to 3 times a day begging and pleading for me to come and get him.

    I left him there because I knew he wasn't using and I knew where he was. The guards always treated him well and I felt like there was more danger on the streets with his druggie friends than in jail.

    I wish I could tell you that after the jail time he turned his life around, but he didn't! You can revoke the bond.
  7. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    Everyone says that the key to remaining sane when you are dealing with an addicted child is boundaries....well, you posted bond with the understanding that he is going to rehab, he's not, so bail must be revoked. It's your money so it's your terms. A nice day is no excuse. If he continues like this, yes, he cannot be welcomed in your home. He is in no shape to be around your family.
  8. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    PV, I wish circumstances were different but the idea to have his bail revoked is the only sane one. Every day he spends out seems like another wastedday for him.

    I am so sorry....
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    obviously I agree with the other family members but just thought I would send a caring supportive hugs your way. We all know how s.a. turns our kids into strangers...unlikeable and untrustworthy strangers. It wrenches your gut and makes you wonder how to H it happened. It does. It's not you. Its' the blankin drugs. You know you are doing the right thing but it honestly hurts. Most of us know the pain you are feeling and wish we could make it all better. Sadly, difficult child is the only one who can make it better. Sigh. DDD
  10. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    The senario you describe is the exact one we suffered when the judge just suddenly released our difficult child from jjs custody. Hospital would not take her because she was calm by the time we got there (she went off when we started driving her to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)) and had just gotten out 3 weeks earlier. We had already called the first Residential Treatment Center (RTC) she had been in for 18 months and they said they would accept her back-we had it all ready should the judge order her there. She had tried to committ suiside in the state run Residential Treatment Center (RTC) so they would not take her back, judge had to order another treatment, which he did not do. She is a minor so we had no hope-just waiting for 18. She has since finished her GED and has a job which is almost full time. Bu she t still refuses to run by the rules, smokes pot, and has taken from us when she was laid off for 3 weeks.

    You can't beat yourself up. We have to give them these chances. Mostly we give them these chances because of our own guilt and our desire to believe they want help. Now you know that you can't bail him ever again. His word means nothing. This is true of most addicts. At 18, you are just learning his M.O. I agree that you should revoke bail.

    Last night at Families Anon. a mother shared that she told her addict kid, " I'm done, I want for you what you want for yourself. So if it is breaking the laws, drugging, and not having a job, that is what I want you to have. Get your things and leave now so you can have these things." What had changed her life was seeing an 85 year old man in tears outside the ER room (she's a trauma nurse), he was sooo sad. He told her, "I am never free because my 60 year old son is a heroin addict." She refuses to be this father and to put her other children through this. I was so moved by her strength last night. She did not wait for an eviction because she knew he would not do anything about it.

    Hearing your pain brings it all back. Be good to yourself and husband. Tell your kid you love him enough to let him fall to rock bottom. He will despise you for awhile. He may get help, or he may not. You must go day by day and find your life again. (((Hugs to you))) You have done your best.
  11. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    To Janet: No, I definitely do NOT think that you are a horrible mother for having your son arrested and then revoking his bail. I really admire the courage that you have to be so strong with your difficult child. I know from first hand experience that when your difficult child is arrested we feel terrible, awful, angry, worried and many other emotions all mixed up at the same time. I hope that I can find the same strength that you had now that I am in this crisis with my own difficult child.

    I understand what everyone has stated that we have to set clear boundaries with our difficult child. This is all a learning experience for my h and I, and sometimes we feel totally lost trying to do the right thing for our addicted son. Our difficult child is not at home tonight, and I am not too scared for his safety. Frankly, I am exhausted from all the drama of this week, and I am enjoying the peace and quiet without difficult child at home. I am trying not to feel too sorry for myself, because it is just sooooo hard to have an addict in our family. I have spent the entire week being miserable and hopeless about our son, and I know that I have to learn to detach from all his problems, for my own sanity. I am going to my first Families Anonymous meeting this week-end, and I hope it will be helpful.

    to Exhausted: Thank you for sharing the story of the elderly man who has a 60 year old son who is a heroin addict. I definitely do NOT want to be like that man, still dealing with an addict many years from now. If it was possible for my h and his job, we would even like to move far away so we can get away from difficult child and all his problems. The way our difficult child is acting right now, I don't know him and I don't really even like him.
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    PV, so sorry for you and for his not being ready. I hope you and husband can support and encourage each other to get through this. Prayers that he comes to his senses. {{{PV}}}
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PV...my son is not what I would call an addict in the true sense but he does smoke pot. I think it does him more good than all the psychiatric drugs they had him on for the last umpteen years ever did so I turn a blind eye. Did he do some of what he did to get money for pot? Maybe but I dont really think so. Now the largest thing he did...yeah maybe but it was done because he was talked into it by women.

    Mostly my son had really bad anger issues and impulse control problems. He couldnt see farther down the road than his nose. Oddly enough he is getting better about that than almost all of us except his eldest brother...lol. He has calmed down so much. You can have actual conversations with him that make sense. Now his girlfriend? She is another story. You might as well just figure everything she says is a lie. She ticks me off badly. I was so upset that they had the baby and I am buying a DNA test on the sly and sending it in. Baby looks nothing like us and a whole lot like a friend of theirs. A Puerto Rican kid who was around all the time back then. Sigh. We are already not 100% sure about keyana...sure not gonna go through another one.

    My son was horrible in his teens but wasnt too bad from 17 and a half till 18 and then at 18 he really did well until he met his first baby's mom two months before he turned 19. She was 3 years older than him...well almost three. She turned 3 months older than him 4 months after she met him. She is really a cradle robber extraordinaire. With her first son she got pregnant with a 14 year old when she was 18. Yeah...that put him in 8th grade. Middle school while she was a senior! She was out of school when she had the baby and he had just started his first year of high school at 15. You can bet if that had been my son she would have gone to jail as a sex offender and I would be raising that baby. (And we wouldnt be having the issues we are having with her over Keyana!) She didnt even raise her first son really. She lived with her mom most of that time and her mom had her son most of the time. He called his grandmother momma and Lindsay was Lindsay. Cory met the little boy when he was 3 and she ended up pregnant with Keyana within 3 months of meeting him. She actually knew Cory was on SSI and even went down to Social Security within the first week of her finding out she was pregnant to find out if she could get his check! They told her because he was getting SSI and not SSDI, Keyana wasnt eligible for Child Support. I guess if that made a difference to her she could have aborted the baby. Lindsay makes bad choices in men. Between her mom and our family we supported her during her pregnancy and then when the baby was born, Cory lived with us for years and he had Keyana at 11 days old for his first weeks visitation. That went on for awhile until Lindsay moved in with us for almost the entire first year of Keyana's life. Then at sometime right before Keyana turned one, Lindsay must have met her current husband because he is a military guy..still younger than she is...but she got married to him right after she convinced Cory to steal over a thousand dollars from me and take her to hotels and have one last fling. 4 days she got married. I had so hoped that she signed one of the checks but she was too smart for that so I had to prosecute my son only even though I knew she was in on it. People told me she was there talking him into it. He gave her money! Bought her all kinds of stuff. Thats why when she cries poor pitiful thing who hasnt gotten child support I get so mad. But I swore out felony warrant against Cory and got the cops to come arrest him at my house. It was hard because it was three warrants for felonies that I knew where going to really damage his life. He could have gone away for a long time. Thankfully I was able to talk to both sides and we worked out a fairly good deal that was difficult for him but it made his life hard but he had to comply for 3 years or he would go to prison. He had to serve some jail time and some house arrest. They really were pretty good to us about the house arrest even though he was on the ankle bracelet. they gave him from 8 am to 12 noon off because I am disabled and I needed him to feed out lifestock which was out of range of the monitor so they allowed him time off to do that and they also realized he had Keyana some days and he might have to take her to a doctor or something so he was allowed to do that if we called in and told them. We had to attempt to get it from 8 to noon but if it ran over it was okay with a doctors note. But heaven help him without a dr note. And his PO showed up at the house every night like clockwork and sometimes twice. You just never knew.

    What happened to him was hard but it taught him that the law wasnt playing anymore. He had gone to court so many times and they had just slapped him on the wrist and let him go. I knew one day it wouldnt happen again. I think it needs to happen the first time so people learn it isnt fun and they dont want to come back. No simple slaps.
  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh PV, my heart is breaking for you. I know you must hurt terribly and I know this must seem like a bad dream.

    I remember the exact moment I realized my difficult child was no longer someone I knew or liked. It's a horrible feeling. Like your difficult child, he would be seemingly cooperative and we would be in agreement, but as the time to follow thru came close-he stalled & eventually became uncooperative . I still wonder if that meant he was newly "altered" or if he was coming down.

    Please learn from my mistake. It all felt so unreal & I didn't understand that my difficult child was capable of manipulating us so COLDLY. Had I known then what I know now- I would've pulled the plug sooner. The sooner we cut them off, the sooner they will hit bottom. And it's important you take the steps to reestablish control in your own life.

    Many, many, many {{{hugs}}}
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I included in a post the other day that once I realized that I would never choose to be friends with difficult child#1 if he was a stranger, it helped me detach. Heck, I wouldn't want my children to be friends with him either. The s.a. value system is alien. Never have we chosen "friends" who lied, stole, used illegal substances, had no goals for employment, etc. Just wouldn't happen.

    on the other hand, we couldn't love him more. Detachment is a long painful process. Each of us has to draw our own line in the sand based on our personal circumstances. There are some success stories and there are alot of sad stories too but once parents have done everything they can do...the difficult children have to make their choices. I'm sorry that you are at such a painful crossroad but know your decisions are based on love. Hugs DDD
  16. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    It is so very hard! My difficult child told me often how much he hated me and I felt so helpless trying to 'fix' him. We try so much while they are still minors, but once they turn 18 there's not much we can do but pray.

    My daughter stayed in the program and attended meetings for years and I know that is what it takes, but my son just doesn't get it and I'm beginning to think he never will.

    Watching my relative work long hours to support her adult difficult child helps me to detach, but we all know it still hurts. What put him in prison was him stealing from her boss while they were at a dinner at my relatives house. Even sicker is the fact that we all know (our family) the father is the one that talked the son into doing it. The father is about 21 years older (now deceased) and his medication for his illness really made him act weird. But that's no excuse, the son had to want to do it, no one made him. My thinking is the drugs made it sound like a good idea. The mother had to testify and she told the truth, so the son blames her for his prison time. I honestly think she feels guilty and that is why she will be suppporting him for the rest of his life.

    No mother wants to think her child has no place to stay or food to eat, but I have to keep telling myself that it is his choices that got him there.
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi PV,

    How are things going today? I've been thinking about you all day. Have you revoked the bail?

  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm worried about you too PV. What's going on?

  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Add me to the list of people thinking about you and worrying a bit. Sending support your way. DDD
  20. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    I talked to my difficult child's defense attorney today about revoking his bail. He told me that it will be very hard for him to ask to revoke the bail, since he is the defense attorney for our son. However he checked the conditions of his bond and difficult child is not meeting these conditions. One of the conditions of his bond is that difficult child is supposed to call the court every Monday and check in with his address. He did not make a phone call this past Monday (he was actually bonded out of jail that day, but he was still supposed to call the court when he arrived home. difficult child will also not call the court this Monday, because he doesn't know anything about these phone calls.) Monday is a court holiday here, so on Tuesday our attorney will talk to the state's attorney and they will make a motion to revoke his bail, because he is not making the weekly telephone calls. Our attorney is confident that he can get the bail revoked on Tuesday, and then a warrant will be issued for the arrest of difficult child.

    difficult child came to our house today to pick up a few things. We did not let him inside the house, and he asked us not to revoke the bond. He asked us why we can't just get a restraining order so that he can stay away from our house, instead of putting him in jail. I remembered what someone wrote in a post yesterday, that we had posted his bond on the condition that difficult child went to rehab. I told difficult child that since he refused to go to rehab, he was not meeting the conditions of the bond, and we will revoke the bond. I still don't think that he really believes that he will be sent back to jail. His eyes looked completely dead, like he was high, and he didn't really seem to care about anything at all. He did tell us that he has paid for several days to stay at a cheap motel a few minutes from our house. I think that difficult child has exactly what he wants right now, because he has a place to stay and he can use drugs as much as he wants. He paid for the motel with money from selling gold for cash. He didn't sell any of my gold, and I didn't even want to ask where he got the gold to sell.

    I am scared that difficult child will do something stupid this week-end and get arrested. But he has made his choice not to go to rehab, and he has to live with the consequences of his actions. I have not cried all day today (just every so often), so I am getting better at dealing with this mess.

    Thanks so much for thinking of my difficult child, and hoping for the best.