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difficult child psychiatric hospital update
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 637862" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>GuideMe, I read your message.</p><p></p><p>With what I know, you were the best mother you could be and did everything you could have. Did you make mistakes? Did all of us? The answer is yes. No manual comes with the child and some k ids are easier than others, temperment-wise. You do not deserve this abuse from her and if my own kid started blasting me, he'd get a big fat hang up. Would he be mad? Yes. Hate me more? Maybe at the time. My son is older than your daughter and sees more now (and your daughter will grow up too). My son is almost as old as you, although much less mature, but you know that time gives you lots of insight you didn't have when you were younger.</p><p></p><p>If you don't stop the guilt, you will end up sick yourself. You are not the only person whose chldren's had hardships. TRUST ME. And some parents here are still intact couples who never divorced and had that picture perfect family...yet here they are. There is no guaranteed playbook for raising a child who loves you, loves herself, or does well in life.</p><p></p><p>You know, GM, you don't have to listen to anybody abuse you. I once listened to all the abuse and somewhere in my 40's something snapped and I said to myself, "NO MORE! NO MORE OF THIS ****!" And that started my journey to sanity. We are all worthy of respect. If treated in a bad way, we did not deserve it, especially as children. I had abusive parents and was the family blacksheep. Everything was my fault. It took me a long time to realize that THEY were the sick ones. Yes, I was sick too from years and years of abuse...but I was also the only one who did the hard work on myself to get so much better. You can do this too.</p><p></p><p>I think CrazyinVa gave you good advice. Let her handle her own drama. And develop rino skin, a term that I remember with fondness from days long ago when I first came to this site. rino skin means you do not care what other people hear about you or think about you, especially the strangers a difficult child trash talks you to. I am at an advatage that I never did care much what anyone thought about me, unless I loved them, but I am even more detached from the opinions of strangers now. I define a stranger as anyone who does not know me intimately, like my husband and children and one close friend. Of course those who truly love and respect you, they would not abuse you. The respect part is important. I know 36 loves me. The respect issue is getting better as I assert my rights as a living human being who demands respect from him or I hang up the phone. And I advise you to do the same. If your daughter starts trying to hurt you, hang up. Tell her in advance that if she is verbally abusive you will hang up so that she knows and can choose not to be verbally abusive. Then, at the first sign of disrespect/abuse, gently hang up.</p><p></p><p>In spite of your fears for her, do not let her move back into your home. She is a threat to you. Take out a restraining order on her. Lil gave you sound advice. I believe (sorry if I'm wrong, Lil) that Lil is a lawyer and would know the best thing to do to protect yourself in the legal sense. Your daughter can get help in the community. She doesn't have to live with family to get help. And she needs it.</p><p></p><p>GM, I was going to post (and will post) a descritpion of borderline personality disorder. Many, many of the female difficult children in this world have borderline personality disorder, although a psychiatrist would need to know the person a long time before diagnosing it. They are good at hiding it at first. This may be what you are dealing with...a borderline who is not at all invested in changing or who is not willing to admit her behavior is her own responsiblity. This is not the same sort of mental health issue as bipolar or schizophrenia. These adults are very much in touch with reality and know the consequences of their actions. They are often hurtful, very horrible people unless they truly want to get better and are willing to invest time, hard work, and more time into something such as dialectal behavioral therapy. Ok, I am going to post a link that describes borderline personality disorder. I heard that the new DSM that just came out calls it Emotional Dysregulation Disorder, which surely describes it better, but I'm not sure. I am also posting an Amazon book that explains borderline in more detail, just in case you see your daughter in the explanation and wish to explore it more. It is not caused by bad parenting and the newest psychiatric minds believe it has a genetic link. I was thinking of your ex and other members of your family who are not adverse to hurting others. I have a difficult family too, what little there is of them.</p><p></p><p>Ok, links coming:</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20023204" target="_blank">http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20023204</a> (this link is very reassuring and calm and it is brought to you by Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, one of the very best medical facilities in our country. The second page explains the symptoms the most. I had to fight borderline traits as a younger person. I am happy to say that, since I did try so hard, I never feel empty or alone anymore, don't self-help, and when I do think about suicide I never act on it. I just do my coping skills to get out of it. IT IS TREATABLE, but it takes hard work and it is very hard for anyone who lives with a true 100% borderline to walk on eggshells constantly and, yes, sometimes they can get violent. I did not get violent with people. I did break things sometimes, usually when I was alone. Ok, next is the book. It's a great, hopeful book!!)</p><p></p><p>This awesome book and the true story of this woman who is a heroine to me is a wonderful five-star read. She reminds me a lot of myself about how she didn't quit until she got on with her life, shedding most of her borderline and doesn't even have the traits anymore (I don't either). This book will make you, or anyone with a borderline daughter, understand that there are ways to change your behavior through learning to cope and to think differently.</p><p></p><p>Never quit on yourself, no matter what your daughter says to you. She isn't telling the truth. I don't know what color your hair is but pretend it's blond. It she screams at you that you have black hair, does that make it black? No.If sh e calls you selfish or a bad parent and you aren't, and I don't think you are, it doesn't make you a bad parent either. Her words do not equal the truth.</p><p></p><p>Take care of yourself. Keep in touch. Please <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Don't think you are the only one who goes through this either.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 637862, member: 1550"] GuideMe, I read your message. With what I know, you were the best mother you could be and did everything you could have. Did you make mistakes? Did all of us? The answer is yes. No manual comes with the child and some k ids are easier than others, temperment-wise. You do not deserve this abuse from her and if my own kid started blasting me, he'd get a big fat hang up. Would he be mad? Yes. Hate me more? Maybe at the time. My son is older than your daughter and sees more now (and your daughter will grow up too). My son is almost as old as you, although much less mature, but you know that time gives you lots of insight you didn't have when you were younger. If you don't stop the guilt, you will end up sick yourself. You are not the only person whose chldren's had hardships. TRUST ME. And some parents here are still intact couples who never divorced and had that picture perfect family...yet here they are. There is no guaranteed playbook for raising a child who loves you, loves herself, or does well in life. You know, GM, you don't have to listen to anybody abuse you. I once listened to all the abuse and somewhere in my 40's something snapped and I said to myself, "NO MORE! NO MORE OF THIS ****!" And that started my journey to sanity. We are all worthy of respect. If treated in a bad way, we did not deserve it, especially as children. I had abusive parents and was the family blacksheep. Everything was my fault. It took me a long time to realize that THEY were the sick ones. Yes, I was sick too from years and years of abuse...but I was also the only one who did the hard work on myself to get so much better. You can do this too. I think CrazyinVa gave you good advice. Let her handle her own drama. And develop rino skin, a term that I remember with fondness from days long ago when I first came to this site. rino skin means you do not care what other people hear about you or think about you, especially the strangers a difficult child trash talks you to. I am at an advatage that I never did care much what anyone thought about me, unless I loved them, but I am even more detached from the opinions of strangers now. I define a stranger as anyone who does not know me intimately, like my husband and children and one close friend. Of course those who truly love and respect you, they would not abuse you. The respect part is important. I know 36 loves me. The respect issue is getting better as I assert my rights as a living human being who demands respect from him or I hang up the phone. And I advise you to do the same. If your daughter starts trying to hurt you, hang up. Tell her in advance that if she is verbally abusive you will hang up so that she knows and can choose not to be verbally abusive. Then, at the first sign of disrespect/abuse, gently hang up. In spite of your fears for her, do not let her move back into your home. She is a threat to you. Take out a restraining order on her. Lil gave you sound advice. I believe (sorry if I'm wrong, Lil) that Lil is a lawyer and would know the best thing to do to protect yourself in the legal sense. Your daughter can get help in the community. She doesn't have to live with family to get help. And she needs it. GM, I was going to post (and will post) a descritpion of borderline personality disorder. Many, many of the female difficult children in this world have borderline personality disorder, although a psychiatrist would need to know the person a long time before diagnosing it. They are good at hiding it at first. This may be what you are dealing with...a borderline who is not at all invested in changing or who is not willing to admit her behavior is her own responsiblity. This is not the same sort of mental health issue as bipolar or schizophrenia. These adults are very much in touch with reality and know the consequences of their actions. They are often hurtful, very horrible people unless they truly want to get better and are willing to invest time, hard work, and more time into something such as dialectal behavioral therapy. Ok, I am going to post a link that describes borderline personality disorder. I heard that the new DSM that just came out calls it Emotional Dysregulation Disorder, which surely describes it better, but I'm not sure. I am also posting an Amazon book that explains borderline in more detail, just in case you see your daughter in the explanation and wish to explore it more. It is not caused by bad parenting and the newest psychiatric minds believe it has a genetic link. I was thinking of your ex and other members of your family who are not adverse to hurting others. I have a difficult family too, what little there is of them. Ok, links coming: [URL]http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20023204[/URL] (this link is very reassuring and calm and it is brought to you by Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, one of the very best medical facilities in our country. The second page explains the symptoms the most. I had to fight borderline traits as a younger person. I am happy to say that, since I did try so hard, I never feel empty or alone anymore, don't self-help, and when I do think about suicide I never act on it. I just do my coping skills to get out of it. IT IS TREATABLE, but it takes hard work and it is very hard for anyone who lives with a true 100% borderline to walk on eggshells constantly and, yes, sometimes they can get violent. I did not get violent with people. I did break things sometimes, usually when I was alone. Ok, next is the book. It's a great, hopeful book!!) This awesome book and the true story of this woman who is a heroine to me is a wonderful five-star read. She reminds me a lot of myself about how she didn't quit until she got on with her life, shedding most of her borderline and doesn't even have the traits anymore (I don't either). This book will make you, or anyone with a borderline daughter, understand that there are ways to change your behavior through learning to cope and to think differently. Never quit on yourself, no matter what your daughter says to you. She isn't telling the truth. I don't know what color your hair is but pretend it's blond. It she screams at you that you have black hair, does that make it black? No.If sh e calls you selfish or a bad parent and you aren't, and I don't think you are, it doesn't make you a bad parent either. Her words do not equal the truth. Take care of yourself. Keep in touch. Please :) Don't think you are the only one who goes through this either. [/QUOTE]
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