difficult child relapsed . . . got kicked out of halfway house.

[Kathy813]

Well, I had a feeling it was coming. difficult child calmly told me that she had relapsed two nights ago and smoked pot and gotten drunk at the halfway house. The director told her that she had to leave. She seems geniunely remorseful and said that she had already been to a meeting this morning.

I asked her if she had relapsed before and she said twice. She seemed surprised that I stayed calm and told her that I had read it takes an average of seven relapses before most people were truly on the road to recovery. She said she is really sad because she is getting to the age where she would like to have children but she can't do that if she is always in danger of relapsing.

I told her that some people do make it and go on to have sober lives that include a stable marriage, children, and a good life. That she has to keep working on it.

Whether she means all this or its just a con, I don't know. In the meantime, we are on spring break so we told difficult child she could move in her for the week while she looks for a roommate situation. She said that she has $470 left to give us after she paid people back what she owed them and kept $100 for herself to live on. I told her that she could use that towards the first month rent.

So it is day by day now. husband said he was okay with her being here if she behaves herself.

difficult child also said that she wants to go back to the DBT program but that is not possible if she is working her current hours. She said that she does really well when she is on her mood stabilizer (which I had noticed, too) but then thinks she doesn't need it so she stops taking it and then goes off the deep end.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

I'm sorry Kathy. It's good that she is remorseful and talking to you. I hope you are not opening up a door that will be hard to close by letting her move back while you are gone but I understand. It's good that you were calm. I have found it's much better to be calm than get crazy everytime they relapse. There is nothing you can do about it except to support her getting back on track.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

Nancy, I think I made it very clear to her that she could only stay here this week. In fact, she said that it was lucky that it was spring break so we would be here so she would have some time to find somewhere to live. She knows that we would not let her be alone in the house . . . especially with her relapsing.

 

[toughlovin]

Kathy, I am so sorry she relapsed. I have so been there!! I am concerned for you and her coming back to your house for a week.... although I totally understand it. Make sure you keep that limit you set about it only being a week... it may be tough because what if she doesn't find another situation?

She may be remorseful but the question is does she have the supports and strength to get back on track and will she? There is really no way for you to know.... just remember drug addicts lie to get what they want, so keep your guard up.

And we are here for you no matter what happens.

TL

 

[Calamity Jane]

I'm sorry for her, Kathy. It did sound like you had a feeling this was coming...mother's intuition. Hopefully during this week, you'll persuade her to go back on the mood stabilizer. I'm ignorant when it comes to sober living rules, but once they catch you using, can you never go back there? Knowing that relapse is common, I'm surprised they just throw you out, even if you want to get back on track, but if that's the rules, that's the rules. Is she going to try a different sober living place, or just an apartment on her own? I'm sure she'll behave herself this week, and is very grateful you're allowing her to stay temporarily.
One thing I noticed with my difficult child, is that he can never run on all cylinders at once. If he's doing OK in school, he'll lose his job, or if he's doing well at work, he's spending all his money on pot, etc. If he's getting along with us, he's having an emotional meltdown with someone else in his life...constant upheaval and drama which, I swear, he doesn't believe he causes himself. We're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and we have to circle the wagons because he's in a "state." There's little evidence of long-term stability and emotional balance. Then, he gets to talking what husband and I consider manipulative nonsense about how he "doesn't want to be in this world anymore." He says this to freak us out and make us back off and feel sorry for him. husband constantly has to talk him off the ledge - it gets so draining and annoying, because the rest of us in this house are sick and tired of picking up the slack for him, and bad things happen in our lives too... we just roll with the punches and don't court trouble. His therapist suggested mood stabilizer also, but difficult child said he would NEVER take anything artificial! What he really needs is a head transplant.

 

[DDD]

My computer will not post my responses. This is the last try, lol. Does she still have her job so that IF you allow her to come home she will be away from the house during working hours? Previous posts were "kinder" but I'm sick of not having it go thru. Hugs, my friend. DDD

 

[Kathy813]

Yes, DDD, she is still working 35 hours a week as a receptionist in a salon so she will be gone a lot of the time. I am strangely calm about all of this. I feel like I have truly detached from the situation. Like I am rooting her on but just watching what happens from afar.

I have already found a couple of roommate possibilities online. She said she is going to email them tonight.

~Kathy

 

[Kathy813]

Tl & Calamity, thanks for caring. I don't think she should go back to that halfway house even if she could. I really have always had questions about it. She found it on her own and I have never felt good about the situation but it was the only one that she was willing to go to at the time.

Yes, I have wondered if she was drinking again. I called a couple of times and thought she was slurring her words but she claimed she had just been sleeping. I also thought it was strange that she never talked about reaching milestones like 3 months, 6 months . . .

Don't worry . . . I know that she can be a con artist and can lie with the best of them. We will be sure to protect ourselves. She can always go to an extended stay hotel if she doesn't find anything by next Sunday. She has lived in one before. This time she will have to pay for it herself which may motivate her to find a roommate situation instead. She did give us the Wal-mart Visa card that she put the remaining money from her paycheck on and husband has put it away. We know that she had $470 on the card . . . she showed me the amount on her phone.

difficult child also seems quite calm. I haven't asked her but I think she is taking the Lamictal again. I hope that she treats this as a setback and then moves forward. I keep thinking about the story in the newspaper about our local drug courts. It said that it is expected and assumed that the substance abuser will have relapses and they work towards teaching them how to handle them and get back on track.

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

Not talking about the milestones was a big red flag to me. Another sign was not having a sponsor and not working the steps. It's good to talk about those signs for those who come after us. We are watching a study in addiction and relapse right here with our difficult child's.

Nancy

 

[Tiredof33]

It's a good thing she is calm about the situation and not so stressed out and drinking more. I have heard very few addicts make it without a few relapses, and she still has an income.
Prayers for the best!

 

[buddy]

Kathy, just wanted to say sorry. I hope she can find a better, sober place to stay. It is wonderful her job is still going well. I pray her motivation to grow up defeats the urge to use..... HUGS, Dee

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs))))) I am sorry. I hope it is not hard to get her out of the house. Part of me wonders if she got kicked out now because you are on spring break and she thought she could stay with you for a few days and then just fight to not leave. I hope that is not true and she realizes that there is no way to have a family, esp kids, if she will not become independent and able to not live iwth mommy and daddy. That might be the carrot that helps convince her that independence is something she truly needs.

 

[DDD]

Whew. If she still has her job it will make it easier for her to get back on track. Geez, I hate this whole scene but I am on your team. Hugs DDD

 

[pinevalley]

Kathy: Even though you suspected that your difficult child might be using, it is still hard to hear that she has relapsed. It sounds like the two of you have a very good relationship, and that is SO important. I think that it is great that she feels comfortable to talk to you about her relapse and recovery. She has been doing so well in her job, and I hope that this will be a motivation to get back on track with her recovery. You have a lot of friends on this board who are here to offer you support and Hugs anytime. You are doing so well in your detachment, and this is a lesson for all of us. Keep it up!!

 

[Signorina]

Kathy, I am so sorry to learn that your daughter has relapsed. From your post, it seems like she has a new attitude and is seeing her relapse as a problem for herself which is a huge step. I am hoping that this newfound maturity is a sign of brighter days ahead.

 

[Kathy813]

Nope, I just found out that we've been played big time. I'll start a new thread.

 

[Giulia]

Kathy, (((hugs))) for you.

If your daughter can't manage more than one cycle at once, then, be it.
In this case, don't ask her to manage more than one cycle at once. Otherwise, it goes nowhere.
I firmly believe that at the moment, she needs to take care of her health. Like going back to DBT, getting sober, taking her mood stabilizers, learning to manage her bipolar. It's already a lot to recover, don't you think so ?

I can say that work is not always compatible with recovery. It can work with some persons, but not everyone. I'm not sure that both of them go together for your daughter, at least at the moment.
And a full time job may not fit her current needs. She may go part time, or may need a leave, or may need an inpatient program....

What I can say is speak with her and make a written contract to agree with one or two goals. Rely on baby steps : it sounds that your daughter cannot make many drastic changes at time. Same for me. So, in this case, cut it into tiny tiny pieces, very measurable. Like "taking mood stabilizer every day and stopping using alcohol, one day at time, even one minute at time in the very beginning". It seems little, but no, it's already a lot for both.
Write also the rules and consequences. Keep the list short : the shortest, the best.
Our intuition when someone breaks the rule is adding more rules to counteract the broken rule. The only problem is that if we add more rules, rules are more often broken.
If you keep the list short and very specific, but these rules are consistently enforced, then, it will make your life more manageable. And all the family's life too. It's counter intuitive, but you lower the occasions for broken rules, so for a starter into the vicious circle.
Then post it somewhere visible for both of you.
Each time a rue is broken, you make her read the line, and apply the consequence for it. No comment, no condescending reply.... Matter of fact.