difficult child... responsibilities and daycare update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Masta, May 22, 2008.

  1. Masta

    Masta Member

    Update on difficult child situation.

    Once difficult child started living with us after her baby was taken we did set up rules. She was going to pay us $120mth rent and whatever else she had money wise from financial aid, because we were paying all of her bills including her lawyer. We wrote a contract saying she had to pay us. She also has to pay 20c for every mile we drive her for gas. She was to do the dishes every night and clean her bathroom once a week and pick up after herself and take care of her baby. She ended up not doing the bathroom at all, and did dishes when she needed her baby bottles cleaned.

    difficult child doesn’t have a license so I drove her to her many errands to get on public housing, women shelter help, financial aid, lawyers, doctors, police etc etc.. I drove over 600 miles in 1 month we would be out everyday for at least 6hrs or longer. difficult child started sleeping in till 1pm and watching tv all night once the errands slowed down , she was not following up on the many appointments she had. So I took over and just dragged her with me to get them done. I made all the appointments even filled in the paperwork. The only reason why I did this was to make sure it got done because I knew things would sooner or later get bad with living with difficult child.

    Womens shelter gave her diapers, some clothing for baby, wic, housing approved her within 2 weeks for housing vouchers (which pays for most of your rent) she had gotten help with clothing for herself and money from dcfs. Every day we were out for most of the day scrounging up help.

    In between all of this we had to write statements for court and a very detailed statement for a rape charged against difficult children hubby. difficult child isn’t very good at writing much of anything so husband and I sat with difficult child and helped her write these statements it took 8hrs for the rape statement. We still don’t know if her hubby is going to be charged with rape.

    Every week difficult child would blow up at me and say rude things, previously she was in the habit of having weekly fights with her husband … we were now the ones dealing with her issues. I would tell difficult child she should be grateful so many people including her family are helping her. difficult children response to me was I’m paying you for your services. She meant she is paying for the gas for me to drive her everywhere. I told her you don’t pay for my time. You don’t pay other family members for helping you etc.

    One evening difficult child was annoyed because I made her buy $100 worth of groceries from her food stamps to replace the food she had eaten in my home for the previous month. She got very edgy when I gave her a list of groceries, on the way home she told me she didn’t get everything on the list. I asked her to get what’s on the list in the future and she said since she is paying for it she will get what she wants. The following evening 2 days before another court hearing in April she asked husband and I at 10pm at night if we would take her to the womens shelter. She said she doesn’t feel wanted in our home and she didn’t feel safe. She went on and on and I unleashed 19yrs of hurt and pain at her she let me have it back by calling me a wh0re etc. I told her to leave my home. My husband said we needed to cool off for 5 mins coz it was late at night. She ended up staying with us.

    I tried looking for apartment with difficult child. difficult child found an apartment on her own (I was shocked) by walking the streets (she moved out 2 weeks ago). All the running around you have to do in order to get housing set up and electricity, deposit, gas etc I helped her with and paid for. We got her a cheap cell plan through my husband work 2 days ago.

    Right now the situation is: difficult child started working 2 days ago $7 an hr at mcd’s. She was going to place her 3mth old son in a daycare with 15 other kids and 2 daycare workers. This daycare is not far from her home but it is very dirty and kids aren’t getting looked after. I told her I would look after the baby till she finds suitable daycare, she hasn’t bothered looking. Yesterday and today I called around and found 3 placements. Each placement would mean she would have to walk approx 2 miles to get to daycare then work. She doesn’t seem interested. I took her to a proper daycare center yesterday and after we left she was getting picky and said it looks like her baby would be in a swing all day. right now I’m picking her and her baby up driving her to work and doing the same when she finishes her shift. Today she didn’t even want to go see any daycares because she had sore feet. I took her anyway. She kept telling me I had to keep in mind she would have to walk a long way for daycare.

    My husband keeps telling me it isn’t up to me to decide where my grandson will be in daycare its difficult children choice. I feel bad for my grandson because he deserves better. I don’t know what to do. Daycare is paid for by dws (dept workforce services). When my difficult child got pregnant she said she and her hubby would sacrifice. They only ones sacrificing are her baby and her family (us). She hasn’t had to do it hard yet.

    Dws is willing pay for a food handlers permit, a drivers license, and registration on a car. difficult children lawyers bill are outrageous. we are struggling to maintain the bills for ourselves then keep paying her bills including her lawyer each month. So far the lawyer has charged us $4100 since mid march. difficult child is registered with a program that will fund her schooling. She doesn’t want to go meet with them.

    As for my grandsons dad he has only visited here once on 5/2/08 to see the baby (last time he seen him was 3/20/08). he filed a restraining order against my difficult child saying she is violent physically abusive etc which is all lies. So when he visits she cannot be here. He also put in the restraining order that he feared for his childs safety… yet he doesn’t come for visits to check up on him. the one time he did show up he brought his mother with him (the culprit who really wants the baby) she came to my home. I told her she would have to wait outside she tried showing me the court documents stating her son was allowed to bring someone with him. I said he can bring whoever he wants but it doesn’t mean I have to let them into my home. She wasn’t happy. I videotaped the visit. Half way through the visit he started texting then 1.5hrs into the visit he stood up and said he had to leave.

    he is allowed to visit here 3 x 2hr a week until the baby is 5mths old. From 5-10mth he is allowed 3 x 3hrs visits. He comes up with lame excuses and as of last week he doesn’t even call with an excuse. He quit his job on the last court hearing after the judge asked if he will pay minimum child support. Every month my difficult child is on financial aid her hubby will be getting a bill.

    As of last week difficult children hubby is no longer represented by a lawyer. He must have run out of what little money he had. Court has ordered difficult child go into mediation with her hubby (difficult children lawyer and a retired judge who is the mediator have to be paid). This has to be done before june 16th. court has also ordered that my grandson to have a guardian ad litem 9a lawyer of his own). Both parents will have to pay half for that lawyers bill. At one point a while back difficult child said to me why does she have to pay for all of this she didn’t do anything wrong and it wasn’t fair. She said we have money so why cant we pay for it. We told her we were not divorcing anyone and the problems she has are hers not ours. Its her responsibility to pay her own bills.

    difficult child has so much support from her family, old dcfs case worker, old foster mom, mentor etc. she has no clue how hard it would be if no-one helped her. If I didn’t take her to all of those appointments to get her everything she has she would be homeless without a baby. she believes she is entitled and will use whoever she can to get something for free. The only time difficult child has said thank you (which was under her breath) was the last 2 days coz I’ve watched her baby.
  2. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    It sounds as if it's time she learned some things the hard way.

    Thanks for the update, Masta.

  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Wow {{{Masta}}} It sounds like you've done enough, you've gone above and beyond and I know you've mostly done this much for the benefit of that baby. I'd probably do the same as you.

    I certainly do not have any been there done that advice and if I were in your shoes, I have no idea what I would do either.

    Sending hugs and support - I will keep you in my prayers.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Wow. :stopglass:

    Have you checked to see if your county has a "victim's fund" that might help with some of the lawyers costs? Can't hurt to ask.

    Gee, your post gave me flashbacks to stepgfg.

    What would happen if you take some steps back and let difficult child have to do some of this stuff on her own? Do you think difficult child could handle it?

  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry - As you say, the true victim is the child. Hopefully difficult child will some day appreciate all that you are doing.
  6. Masta

    Masta Member

    daisylover: yes we have filled out papers for criminal victims reparations. i think they will reimburse me for some of the expenses i have paid for my difficult child eg: deposit on apartment. it would be nice if they helped with the lawyers bills. i will keep you all posted.

    as for do i think if i stepped back if difficult child could handle it. i dont think she could. she would give up and let everything fall to pieces. she wouldnt have pursued anything and wouldnt have followed thru with all that needed to be done. she would have put her 3mth old is a filthy daycare and just dealt with it. she isnt one to go the extra mile to make sure things are ok. if i dont push her and take her to get things done like getting her drivers license it will never happen.

    its hard to watch them mess up and have to consistently go and pick up the pieces and fix their mistakes i dont want to have to be responsible to have to clean up difficult children mess everytime she maes one. but on the other hand i know she is impaired with brain functioning and judgment so i need to figure out when to allow the mess to stay there or not. now there is a baby involved i will make sure things are ok for his sake. he didnt ask to be born into this world. he deserves the better.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    No one can blame you there, for sure. I'd feel the same way.