difficult child - school

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Mar 30, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Finals for 3rd quarter are over. I am sad, but happy.

    Finals are 10% of their grade.

    He failed Algebra final...quarter grade = C (5 missing assignments, 5 incompletes)
    History final, 69%, final quarter grade = C+
    Computer applications final, B quarter grade C+ (he had an F two weeks ago because he didn't do most of the projects)
    English final was B, quarter grade B+ (with one missing assignment)

    See why I am sad? if he did his work, projects he could have straight A's possibly and straight B's for sure. But I am happy. Put third quarter behind us, hope the adderall helps him focus and stay on task for these final 42 days of his Freshman year!

    Per his IEP, he can retake any test less than 70%. So, technically I could make him retake Algebra and History. But I think with all that is going on with him right now, I'll take the C's. (considering he had 3 F's two weeks ago) This IS his pattern though. He starts quarter great. Stops doing work and his grades go to F's, works his butt off and passes. He has done this forever.

    He was almost crying happy when I told him he had 42 school days left this year and he will be a sophmore.

    counting down one day at a time.
  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Not to downplay your feelings of sadness over your difficult children academics but I'd be thrilled with the C's & such. It seems that maybe (I could be wrong) your difficult child did what he could.

    Many years ago therapist, husband & I decided that academics had to take a back seat to stability & functionality. kt & wm didn't have the capacity to learn until/unless they were far more stable then they were at the time ~ heck even today.

    Now we have tutors & such to help the tweedles catch up ~ it will take a good time before they are grade level. Saying that, they are surprisingly taking in the information taught even though they couldn't test or write papers.

    Something to consider.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know the sadness over grades is in part because the loss of dreams for your child. That is totally understandable and something you have to work through.

    But honestly, given all the anxiety and problems difficult child has had, I think these grades are FANTASTIC AND AWESOME!!!!! how well would we adults do given these lectures and assignments if we thought we were dying? I can guarantee that I wouldn't do that well. I would be focusing my energy on just surviving.

    That your son could concentrate well enough to pull his grades up from Fs to these is downright incredible!!!

    Go ahead and grieve the future you thought your difficult child was facing. You have to in order to be able to move on and help him.

    But please, PLEASE realize what in incredible accomplishment these grades truly are.

    I had a similar pattern at times when I was in high school and jr high. Mostly it happened because I was TOTALLY overwhelmed with other things in life, including my health problems. I knew my parents' expectations and didn't want to let them down, but it was SO HARD to get all that stuff done when everything in my body ached with pain at a level of 8 on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being a trip to the ER. It was a time when people told me kids didn't have arthritis or other health issues so I should toss my medications, **** it up and go get some sunshine and it would all go away because it was all in my head anyway.

    Your son has parents who believe he is having the health and mental illness problems but ahve kept that separate from their high expectations for school (his job at this time). That is VERY hard for a difficult child who seems to truly be experiencing incredible anxiety and has the dissociative symptoms you (and all of us here) are worrying about.

    CELEBRATE these grades. Get his favorite cake or treat at the grocery and have a WOW! you did a great job celebration of his grades. Let him KNOW, flat out, that you think his grades are incredible when he is facing all the other challenges.

    I AM sorry for teh loss of your dreams. I know it hurts badly. But your son is in crisis and NEEDS to know he did not disappoint you (even if on some level you are disappointed).

    Just in my opinion, but I HAVE been through some of this. The little celebration might help heal some wounds.
  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I will be sure to do that.
  5. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I had to let go of my dreams of high academic achievement for my difficult child 2/easy child. She did extremely well in school until she got to middle school. I spent many years frustrated with her because I knew she had the intelligence to do very well and she should have been on a college bound track. I really had to come to terms with the fact that her emotional problems were too big for her to also do well academically. I laid off completely because I was just making everything more stressful for her. I let her know that her mental health came first and whatever happened with school could be dealt with. It meant she sometimes was on homebound instruction, spent her whole summer between 10th and 11th grade having to make up incompletes in order to get to 11th grade after basically failing all her 10th grade classes.

    It was hard to see this really smart kid who was friends with kids in the honors and AP classes struggle so but once I really got it that the academics were just not that important in the grand scheme of things I felt better and she actually is doing better now. She told me yesterday that she had gotten a C on an accounting test and she has been very depressed for a couple of months (seeming to come out of it now) and also was physically sick for about a month. I was so proud of her. Yes, I know she could get A's in every class if she was just a "normal" kid. But now her goal and mine too is to just get the diploma and get on with life.

    Anyway, congrats to difficult child!!!!!

  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    School really is torture for some of our kids. When I look back, I have such regret that I had to make difficult child go to school. He didn't learn much and it was a horror for him and for me. I just didn't have an alternative.
    I hope your difficult child feels some sense of accomplishment. Not doing well in these tumultous years doesn't mean that he will never be a good student. Adulthood can do wonders for a difficult child's sense of self. All of a sudden they want to achieve even if it's on their own terms.

    All of this is mourning the loss of the dream child even though there really isn't such a thing.
  7. ML

    ML Guest

    I too feel grateful for C's. I know your son is brilliant and is capable of A's but with everything going on, try to let go of that. It's more important that he is stable and happy.
  8. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    I too understand the feeling. My difficult child is very intelligent, and could achieve high marks. I have struggled to be happy with him getting barely passing marks in some subjects, just so he can move on and get through. But I've come to realize that no matter how bright he is, with his other struggles, passing may be the best he can do at times.

    Congrats to your difficult child pulling his grades up from an F. I'm almost like your difficult child, counting down the days until another year is finally over.