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difficult child sent me an email....
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 76689" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Fran's suggestions are really good - when a kid is feeling that bad, there is no perspective. As MWM said, it all gets projected and is made to be someone else's fault - as if fault comes into it at all. There are many reasons for a kid to feel miserable - even for a easy child, 12 is a horrible age. For a difficult child, just about ANY age is horrible. But by throwing the questions back at her, you make hr think and quantify things, try to be part of the solution. This will give her more sense of involvement and more of a feeling that she is doing SOMETHING which always helps to reduce stress.</p><p></p><p>Rats in a cage which get electric shocks every so often suffer stress-related conditions. When those rats have a lever to push these stress-related conditions do ease, even if they're still getting just as many electric shocks. (Good ol' Skinner and his rats). Simply THINKING you're doing something to help, makes the stress easier to bear.</p><p></p><p>If she says, "You don't care, why should I bother?" a good reply is, "I'm sorry you feel I don't care. What can I do for you, to show you I do care?"</p><p>And nothing she suggests concerning easy child is relevant - he is not part of this. Or shouldn't be. This is between you and her.</p><p></p><p>We went through similar arguments with easy child 2/difficult child 2 when she tried to say we weren't being fair, she had more restrictions on her than her older sister at the same age. Bedtime, for example - she had a much earlier bedtime and felt we were treating her like a baby.</p><p>So we explained - easy child would often do her schoolwork assignments late at night. We weren't happy about it, but it seemed to work for her and she was able to function, so we let her. difficult child 1 would often stay up late but he also was working from home and so he could get up later as well. Plus, he seemed to be able to function on much less sleep than his sisters. His medications made it harder for him to get to sleep early. Whereas easy child 2/difficult child 2 has always been very tired, especially if she hasn't had enough sleep the night before. She would get extremely emotional and irritable, even if she had the chance to sleep in - which she didn't have very often. If she tried to stay up to the same time as her older sister & brother, we had a very rough time with her the next day - and she had a bad day as well. Besides, with her medications having worn off it wasn't as if she was able to do homework in the evenings anyway. She would need to get her entire learning done during school hours, and for that she needed to be awake.</p><p>We talked about it, explained that all three of them were different in how the functioned, which was by their teens independent of age. We then compromised - easy child 2/difficult child 2 could choose a later bedtime, but was also required to monitor what sort of a day she had the next day. She's poor at self-monitoring, but very good at complaining "Everybody is being mean to me! All the teachers were horrible, I just hated today!" </p><p>When primed ahead of time, it was easier for us to remind her that we had warned her this would be the outcome of lack of sleep, even if she thought it wasn't related. She soon noticed the correlation for herself and now at 21 is much more careful about getting her sleep. We do worry about her - she shouldn't still be such a sleepyhead, she is worrying about herself too and is seeing a doctor tomorrow about this (and other things).</p><p>easy child also went through a phase of being more tired than she felt she should have been - with her, a big part of it was expecting too much of herself. That, and anaemia.</p><p></p><p>So basically, kids have to have different rules and different ways of being managed, simply because they are so different from each other, physiologically and mentally. But if you include them in their own management and discipline decisions, they often will be more cooperative. it is a good step towards self-determination and self-discipline. Even if she's not ready for it yet, it's a necessary start.</p><p></p><p>As Michele said, You're doing a good job. Now it's just a matter of involving her so she can see this, too.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 76689, member: 1991"] Fran's suggestions are really good - when a kid is feeling that bad, there is no perspective. As MWM said, it all gets projected and is made to be someone else's fault - as if fault comes into it at all. There are many reasons for a kid to feel miserable - even for a easy child, 12 is a horrible age. For a difficult child, just about ANY age is horrible. But by throwing the questions back at her, you make hr think and quantify things, try to be part of the solution. This will give her more sense of involvement and more of a feeling that she is doing SOMETHING which always helps to reduce stress. Rats in a cage which get electric shocks every so often suffer stress-related conditions. When those rats have a lever to push these stress-related conditions do ease, even if they're still getting just as many electric shocks. (Good ol' Skinner and his rats). Simply THINKING you're doing something to help, makes the stress easier to bear. If she says, "You don't care, why should I bother?" a good reply is, "I'm sorry you feel I don't care. What can I do for you, to show you I do care?" And nothing she suggests concerning easy child is relevant - he is not part of this. Or shouldn't be. This is between you and her. We went through similar arguments with easy child 2/difficult child 2 when she tried to say we weren't being fair, she had more restrictions on her than her older sister at the same age. Bedtime, for example - she had a much earlier bedtime and felt we were treating her like a baby. So we explained - easy child would often do her schoolwork assignments late at night. We weren't happy about it, but it seemed to work for her and she was able to function, so we let her. difficult child 1 would often stay up late but he also was working from home and so he could get up later as well. Plus, he seemed to be able to function on much less sleep than his sisters. His medications made it harder for him to get to sleep early. Whereas easy child 2/difficult child 2 has always been very tired, especially if she hasn't had enough sleep the night before. She would get extremely emotional and irritable, even if she had the chance to sleep in - which she didn't have very often. If she tried to stay up to the same time as her older sister & brother, we had a very rough time with her the next day - and she had a bad day as well. Besides, with her medications having worn off it wasn't as if she was able to do homework in the evenings anyway. She would need to get her entire learning done during school hours, and for that she needed to be awake. We talked about it, explained that all three of them were different in how the functioned, which was by their teens independent of age. We then compromised - easy child 2/difficult child 2 could choose a later bedtime, but was also required to monitor what sort of a day she had the next day. She's poor at self-monitoring, but very good at complaining "Everybody is being mean to me! All the teachers were horrible, I just hated today!" When primed ahead of time, it was easier for us to remind her that we had warned her this would be the outcome of lack of sleep, even if she thought it wasn't related. She soon noticed the correlation for herself and now at 21 is much more careful about getting her sleep. We do worry about her - she shouldn't still be such a sleepyhead, she is worrying about herself too and is seeing a doctor tomorrow about this (and other things). easy child also went through a phase of being more tired than she felt she should have been - with her, a big part of it was expecting too much of herself. That, and anaemia. So basically, kids have to have different rules and different ways of being managed, simply because they are so different from each other, physiologically and mentally. But if you include them in their own management and discipline decisions, they often will be more cooperative. it is a good step towards self-determination and self-discipline. Even if she's not ready for it yet, it's a necessary start. As Michele said, You're doing a good job. Now it's just a matter of involving her so she can see this, too. Marg [/QUOTE]
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