difficult child smashed into a parked car, drunk
- Thread starter Nancy
- Start date
DDD
Well-Known Member
Who was it? Maybe Kris from years ago who used to say "I was gobsmacked". Our adult difficult children gobsmack me alot of the time. on the other hand, lol, in order to "cope" I purposely look at the most negative possible spin so I'm rarely gobsmacked and 
very rarely speechless. DDD
very rarely speechless. DDD
T
toughlovin
Guest
Oh Nancy... I so know that feeling of being conned and the awful surprise and sense of betrayal when you figure it out. It is well and good to say you shouldnt read emails... and maybe now that you know where she is that would be a good idea for your own sanity.... but I really don't think early in recovery our difficult children can be trusted and so if you are helping them out having an idea of what is going on so you get a clue is understandable and probably just plain smart.
As far as going to the AA meetings with you, I suspect that was a combination of things. Part of that was keeping up appearances, I mean you were proud of her, pleased with how she was doing and so willing to help her. I think that was partly a con and partly she wants a relationship with you and if she is drinking she can only have it with you if she convinces you she is not drinking... and what better way than to attend AA meetings with you.
I also think it was probably part of her faulty thinking... I am sober (at least sort of) in that I am not drinking to excess, I am just doing it socially etc... and so in her own mind she has defined her sobriety in a way that allows her to drink (or maybe she is sober from booze but smokes a little pot). I know my difficult child considered himself sober at one point because he wasn't smoking pot... he was only robotripping once in a while or something like that. Very faulty thinking and justification. We know using any drugs or alcohol for them is not being sober..
So it was probably both partly a con and partly her own mind justifying herself.... but of course if she is drinking she is not going to continue being comfortable at AA and other addicts will notice and call her on it. It is sad how they delude themselves.
Stay strong you are doing great... and so is your husband. I hope I am as strong as you if my son totally relapses.
TL
As far as going to the AA meetings with you, I suspect that was a combination of things. Part of that was keeping up appearances, I mean you were proud of her, pleased with how she was doing and so willing to help her. I think that was partly a con and partly she wants a relationship with you and if she is drinking she can only have it with you if she convinces you she is not drinking... and what better way than to attend AA meetings with you.
I also think it was probably part of her faulty thinking... I am sober (at least sort of) in that I am not drinking to excess, I am just doing it socially etc... and so in her own mind she has defined her sobriety in a way that allows her to drink (or maybe she is sober from booze but smokes a little pot). I know my difficult child considered himself sober at one point because he wasn't smoking pot... he was only robotripping once in a while or something like that. Very faulty thinking and justification. We know using any drugs or alcohol for them is not being sober..
So it was probably both partly a con and partly her own mind justifying herself.... but of course if she is drinking she is not going to continue being comfortable at AA and other addicts will notice and call her on it. It is sad how they delude themselves.
Stay strong you are doing great... and so is your husband. I hope I am as strong as you if my son totally relapses.
TL
(((((hugs))))) I hope you won't have problems because she is on your insurance. Make sure you get it cancelled asap. I think you were smart to read the emails because you had suspicions but with-o proof you didn't want to shut down support if that was what was truly helping her stay sober. Addicts, esp those taht are difficult children, are so good at lying and conning people and so often the parents just refuse to see it. There is never enough proof for my mother to see my brother's drinking and other problems. I swear she would say video was doctored if she saw video of him drinking or even hurting someone. She has accused me of faking voicemail from him when I elt her listen to the thngs he ranted on my voicemail. It is a huge reason I don't trust HER or him anymore.
I am sorry you are hurting so much, and in time she will spiral down. I think it will take her having to fight for sobriety WITHOUT the loving support and trust you have given her for her to really see what her addictions have cost her. Work on your own recovery and your marriage and your relationship with your easy child and on your own life, and let difficult child go to do what she will. Kudos to husband for not giving her the credit card number. I am sure she would have charged more than the cost of internet to it, esp if she just had that accident.
(((((hugs)))))
I am sorry you are hurting so much, and in time she will spiral down. I think it will take her having to fight for sobriety WITHOUT the loving support and trust you have given her for her to really see what her addictions have cost her. Work on your own recovery and your marriage and your relationship with your easy child and on your own life, and let difficult child go to do what she will. Kudos to husband for not giving her the credit card number. I am sure she would have charged more than the cost of internet to it, esp if she just had that accident.
(((((hugs)))))
Calamity Jane
Well-Known Member
Nancy, I just want to say I'm so sorry for your troubles...you're a loving, kind, generous Mom and you so don't deserve this, and neither does husband. I often say it's one thing to be betrayed by people outside the family, but when it's a family member, esp. a child, wow, that just shakes you to your core. Unfortunately, it is more common in our lives than other people's, and we get less shocked each time. I'm glad you read the emails, otherwise it would've prolonged your victimization. I'm guessing her shame and disappointment in herself fueled this charade. Again, I'm terribly sorry and send you hugs.
P
PatriotsGirl
Guest
Oh hon. I feel like such a pessimist when it comes to our kids, but my goodness, they don't really give us any options do they? I am SO sorry. I pray you are unaffected by her bad choices.
