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difficult child Starting the Substance Abuse Path
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 627836" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I would like to humbly address this part of your post.</p><p></p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Hopelessness and related depression and grief. <em><strong>Yes, I think we all suffer from grief, which includes hopelessness and depression, like we can not go on. Time is our friend along with the help of people who have walked in our shoes or therapists who have heard about it a million times and know how to aid us in coping and in enriching our own lives.</strong></em></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Concerns about how JT may continue to cause himself and us stress and trouble, i.e. showing up on our doorstep or in jail or dead. <em><strong>This you have no control over. This is where Twelve Step helped me the most. I was constantly reminded that I can not change my daughter, when she took drugs, and my son being the way he is and he has some antisocial and other undesirable and self-defeating traits. Only he can decide to change and so far he doesn't think he has a problelm. </strong></em><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">The effects on Bubby of JT's behaviors. <em><strong>I am not suer who Bubby is so can't comment.</strong></em><br /> </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Judgment - Both our own guilt and that placed on us by others, i.e. we were too easy or too hard on JT or whatever; the gloating parents of PCs that get to feel proud and enjoy their wonderful children, while we hurt and they think they are so much better parents than us. I feel so alone and so ashamed of everything happening with JT. Pe<em><strong>People focus on themselves. They don't think about us as much as some think they do. I had to learn this gradually. I also toughened up and stopped caring what they thought, especially when my daughter was using drugs. Most people did not know 36 was a problem, but they knew about my daughter and her drug use and seedy friends. This is also when I started hearing stories about "perfect" families that shocked me...they were not so perfect after all. Finally I stopped worrying about the whole world and their impression of me as a parent or anything their petty minds thought of us. It is nobody's business and that includes family. If you have rude, judgmental people in your family who make you feel bad, consider tellinlg them that you have set a boundary...you are no longer discussing JT with them. You aren't sharing and you aren't listening. Period. Family can be the most hurtful of all. Why be a masochist? Ban him as a topic of discussion. If somebody breaks your boundary, walk out of the house, gently hang up the phone after saying, "Oops, I have to go" or, if absolutely intolerable, cut off contact for a bit so you can heal without anything toxic being thrown in your face. You are under no obligation to listen to anyone talk to you about JT: Not your beloved parents who mean well but...., not your sister or brother, not your cousin, not your aunt, not your uncle, not your kissing cousin, not your neighbors, not your church buddies, not ANYONE. It is private and you have the right to quickly cut off anyone who doesn't think it is and persists and to firmly let them know the topic is OFF LIMITS for your sanity's sake. If they don't respect you, then you need to protect yourself. </strong></em></li> </ul><p>This is a long learning process. It doesn't happen overnight. I wish you a peaceful, serene night tonight. Maybe it is best not see JT until you are in a better, stronger, happier place. They set up back ten paces if we see them, they act like who they are (wanting something), and then they leave to send us back to where we were before we starting trying to heal.</p><p></p><p>Read more: <a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/difficult child-starting-the-substance-abuse-path.58026/#ixzz33XXo9ZY9" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/difficult child-starting-the-substance-abuse-path.58026/#ixzz33XXo9ZY9</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 627836, member: 1550"] I would like to humbly address this part of your post. [LIST] [*]Hopelessness and related depression and grief. [I][B]Yes, I think we all suffer from grief, which includes hopelessness and depression, like we can not go on. Time is our friend along with the help of people who have walked in our shoes or therapists who have heard about it a million times and know how to aid us in coping and in enriching our own lives.[/B][/I] [*]Concerns about how JT may continue to cause himself and us stress and trouble, i.e. showing up on our doorstep or in jail or dead. [I][B]This you have no control over. This is where Twelve Step helped me the most. I was constantly reminded that I can not change my daughter, when she took drugs, and my son being the way he is and he has some antisocial and other undesirable and self-defeating traits. Only he can decide to change and so far he doesn't think he has a problelm. [/B][/I] [*]The effects on Bubby of JT's behaviors. [I][B]I am not suer who Bubby is so can't comment.[/B][/I] [*]Judgment - Both our own guilt and that placed on us by others, i.e. we were too easy or too hard on JT or whatever; the gloating parents of PCs that get to feel proud and enjoy their wonderful children, while we hurt and they think they are so much better parents than us. I feel so alone and so ashamed of everything happening with JT. Pe[I][B]People focus on themselves. They don't think about us as much as some think they do. I had to learn this gradually. I also toughened up and stopped caring what they thought, especially when my daughter was using drugs. Most people did not know 36 was a problem, but they knew about my daughter and her drug use and seedy friends. This is also when I started hearing stories about "perfect" families that shocked me...they were not so perfect after all. Finally I stopped worrying about the whole world and their impression of me as a parent or anything their petty minds thought of us. It is nobody's business and that includes family. If you have rude, judgmental people in your family who make you feel bad, consider tellinlg them that you have set a boundary...you are no longer discussing JT with them. You aren't sharing and you aren't listening. Period. Family can be the most hurtful of all. Why be a masochist? Ban him as a topic of discussion. If somebody breaks your boundary, walk out of the house, gently hang up the phone after saying, "Oops, I have to go" or, if absolutely intolerable, cut off contact for a bit so you can heal without anything toxic being thrown in your face. You are under no obligation to listen to anyone talk to you about JT: Not your beloved parents who mean well but...., not your sister or brother, not your cousin, not your aunt, not your uncle, not your kissing cousin, not your neighbors, not your church buddies, not ANYONE. It is private and you have the right to quickly cut off anyone who doesn't think it is and persists and to firmly let them know the topic is OFF LIMITS for your sanity's sake. If they don't respect you, then you need to protect yourself. [/B][/I] [/LIST] This is a long learning process. It doesn't happen overnight. I wish you a peaceful, serene night tonight. Maybe it is best not see JT until you are in a better, stronger, happier place. They set up back ten paces if we see them, they act like who they are (wanting something), and then they leave to send us back to where we were before we starting trying to heal. Read more: [url]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/difficult child-starting-the-substance-abuse-path.58026/#ixzz33XXo9ZY9[/url] [/QUOTE]
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