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difficult child Starting the Substance Abuse Path
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 628094" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>One thing I have learned about AlAnon is that every single group is different. when I was first married, I had just really become aware of the fact that i am the grandchild of 2 alcoholics. One died before I was born and the other when I was a young teen. I learned how alcohol shaped a LOT of my family dynamics with-o ever being a part of my daily life with 2 parents who are not alcoholics or addicts. That group was SOOO different than the group I went to a few years later after my brother's alcoholism had become an issue in our family. I was the only one to recognize that his drinking had been a problem since his teens and not just a problem that started in his late 20s to early 30s. </p><p></p><p>During that time I followed the advice and went to a different meeting every day for a month. I didn't just go to the Tues meeting at 7 at Church A or the Wed lunch meeting at Church B. I went to as many different meetings in as many different places as I could. I was ASTOUNDED at how different they were from each other. The entire dynamic was dramatically different between meetings even when some of the same people were at more than one meeting.</p><p></p><p>Do NOT assume all meetings have the same things to offer. Sure, the steps are the same, but how the meetings are run and the people in the meetings create very different experiences. So take a look at all of the meetings in your area and give each of them a try. Some you will be drawn to and some will be off-putting. Go to the ones that you feel will be helpful once you have gotten to know the dynamic. You may be amazed at how helpful they can be while never once telling you how to 'fix' things in your life and iwth your son.</p><p></p><p>Also see a therapist. That offers something very different and also very valuable. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry that your son is having these problems. It is sad to know you cannot fix him and make it all better. I would say that maybe bailing him out isn't the best solution, and if it happens again you may or may not want to post his bail again. That is up to you and what you think is best. I totally understand how you feel about talking to him. I have a gfgbro who will do the exact opposite of ANYTHING I say just to prove me wrong. The fact that to date he has not found ONE thing that he proved me wrong about is sad to me, esp as if I would agree to speak to him, he would still continue to try to prove me wrong no matter how seriously anyone else got hurt. It is but one reason he is not in my life. I just cannot handle the drama and the anger when he fails (his anger directed at me for being correct when I say things like "It is a bad idea to try to read a book as you are driving" - and yes, he actually had not one but THREE accidents trying to read a book and drive at the same time!, and was furious each time, blaming ME for the accidents!)</p><p></p><p>I do think that he may act like a sociopath but not be one simply due to his age. The brain of a teenager or person in their early 20s is just not done cooking yet and can make very bad choices that seem to be sociopathic. MANY people outgrow this in their mid 20s to early 30s. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) makes it take even into the mid 30s for some people. in my opinion the more angry the person is as a rule, the more into the 30s it can take. That does NOT mean anyone should cater to the person, or give them more tolerance for bad behavior, but it does mean you shouldn't give up hope.</p><p></p><p>There is a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend that you may find incredibly helpful. it has a workbook that goes with it that is well worth the cost and the time to work through also. Many of us have found it incredibly helpful.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 628094, member: 1233"] One thing I have learned about AlAnon is that every single group is different. when I was first married, I had just really become aware of the fact that i am the grandchild of 2 alcoholics. One died before I was born and the other when I was a young teen. I learned how alcohol shaped a LOT of my family dynamics with-o ever being a part of my daily life with 2 parents who are not alcoholics or addicts. That group was SOOO different than the group I went to a few years later after my brother's alcoholism had become an issue in our family. I was the only one to recognize that his drinking had been a problem since his teens and not just a problem that started in his late 20s to early 30s. During that time I followed the advice and went to a different meeting every day for a month. I didn't just go to the Tues meeting at 7 at Church A or the Wed lunch meeting at Church B. I went to as many different meetings in as many different places as I could. I was ASTOUNDED at how different they were from each other. The entire dynamic was dramatically different between meetings even when some of the same people were at more than one meeting. Do NOT assume all meetings have the same things to offer. Sure, the steps are the same, but how the meetings are run and the people in the meetings create very different experiences. So take a look at all of the meetings in your area and give each of them a try. Some you will be drawn to and some will be off-putting. Go to the ones that you feel will be helpful once you have gotten to know the dynamic. You may be amazed at how helpful they can be while never once telling you how to 'fix' things in your life and iwth your son. Also see a therapist. That offers something very different and also very valuable. I am sorry that your son is having these problems. It is sad to know you cannot fix him and make it all better. I would say that maybe bailing him out isn't the best solution, and if it happens again you may or may not want to post his bail again. That is up to you and what you think is best. I totally understand how you feel about talking to him. I have a gfgbro who will do the exact opposite of ANYTHING I say just to prove me wrong. The fact that to date he has not found ONE thing that he proved me wrong about is sad to me, esp as if I would agree to speak to him, he would still continue to try to prove me wrong no matter how seriously anyone else got hurt. It is but one reason he is not in my life. I just cannot handle the drama and the anger when he fails (his anger directed at me for being correct when I say things like "It is a bad idea to try to read a book as you are driving" - and yes, he actually had not one but THREE accidents trying to read a book and drive at the same time!, and was furious each time, blaming ME for the accidents!) I do think that he may act like a sociopath but not be one simply due to his age. The brain of a teenager or person in their early 20s is just not done cooking yet and can make very bad choices that seem to be sociopathic. MANY people outgrow this in their mid 20s to early 30s. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) makes it take even into the mid 30s for some people. in my opinion the more angry the person is as a rule, the more into the 30s it can take. That does NOT mean anyone should cater to the person, or give them more tolerance for bad behavior, but it does mean you shouldn't give up hope. There is a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend that you may find incredibly helpful. it has a workbook that goes with it that is well worth the cost and the time to work through also. Many of us have found it incredibly helpful. [/QUOTE]
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