difficult child starting to refuse school. Ideas?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Shari, Sep 29, 2008.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    So wee difficult child's good run has ended (been a few weeks now) and he's back to tossing furniture at school, etc.
    The hard-lined teacher does not help and will not bend her ways.
    Wee difficult child is starting to toy with the idea of refusing to get out of the car at school. He has not physically refused yet, but he is testing the waters. He is 6, with the physical strength and abilities of a child at least 8 or 9 years old. My "window" of being able to overpower him is shrinking fast.
    I am not sure what to do. As much as I think sending him to public school would be a disaster, if he starts refusing to go to school because of this one teacher, I have not gained anything from the private school, where everyone else works well with him.
    Do I push him out of the car and into school when he balks? Do I back off? Transfer schools? Give an ultimatum to the school that this teacher does not deal with him?
    FWIW our public school so far has refused a 1 on 1 aid for him, saying they will add it later if needed. There are very few places that difficult child's entire team come together on, but this is one that they do, and they ALL agree that this would be disastrous for him - to be allowed to fail before help is brought in.
  2. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Would the school be willing to send someone out to the car to get him? Would that make things better or just change who the war was with? Major use to have school refusal about getting on the bus but I was lucky that when I gave him a little time to change his mind and I drove him, he went.
  3. Lillyth

    Lillyth New Member

    What about parking the car & walking him in, holding his hand the whole time and speaking gently. Maybe he is just feeling insecure?

    I notice I am the ONLY mom who walks her fourth grader to line and stays there until they go in. Sometimes Adam even stands next to me & clings to me. I let him. It seems to ease his anxiety.

    Perhaps that would help with your difficult child?
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'd fight to get this teacher away from him. Hardliners rarely do well with our kids and the last thing you want is for him to start hating school so young.

    I'd also go back to the public school and start the IEP process just in case. One thing that really helped me was I had my daughter's therapist either physically come to the IEP or be on telephone standby. That way, when the school balked about certain accommodations, he could step in and say why it was necessary. This had a far greater impact than what I said or what he wrote.

    As much as I hated the idea of my daughter going to a public school, the reality was there wasn't much choice. Private schools just didn't have the necessary resources.
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I have to walk in with him to school and sign him in and out. Part of the procedures. Usually he balks once inside the school - the parking lot today was relatively new.

    He had an IEP thru the public school up until just recently. We let it "expire" because he wasn't getting any services thru them. They think they can manage with the one floating aid that they have (floats between 25 kids/room and between 5 classrooms) and ever single one of the people who work with difficult child have said this will NOT work, yet the school won't bend on it. They say they will try it their way, and if it doesn't work, THEN they will bring someone in.

    Just fyi, all of my kids have gone to public school...difficult child would, too, except they did not help difficult child 1's position any, and I'm afraid it will be the same story with difficult child 2. I'd prefer he be in public school - making ends meet with him in private school are too tight - I just don't think it will work at all, and if he tries and fails BEFORE he gets accomodations...well, I think he'll be too far gone at that point...we all do.

    Can I force them to do what I think will work vs what they think will work?
  6. Lillyth

    Lillyth New Member

    Children on the autism spectrum are the ONE classification for which they are NOT supposed to wait until the child is behind.

    But that is only in theory.

    Our school district won't accept our medical diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), and I've heard this from other parents as well. In fact, I just emailed a disability rights org. to see if they will take on a class action suit against the SD.

    If you can get your SD to "accept" your Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) diagnosis, then getting him help should be easy, as children on the autism spectrum qualify for a whole bunch of services no one else does.

    If you don't have it already, get a copy of "The Complete IEP Guide: How to Advocate for Your Special Education Child" by Lawrence M. Siegel, and "From Emotions to Advocacy" from Wrightslaw.

    The key thing is to document EVERYTHING, and be prepared for a fight. Also, it is always about what is APPROPRIATE not what is BEST for your child. (Never say you want what is "best" for him). It's a stupid verbage thing.

    The SpEd forum (I've been told) is a great place to discuss this. I haven't had a chance to get over there yet myself...
  7. Lillyth

    Lillyth New Member

    by the way, I LOVE your avatar...
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    when we've had problems with-our difficult child, it helped to have friends or even acqaintances his age who called and promised to get together with-him the next day. Back when he was very little, they collected Pokemon cards and they would trade. (More often then not, they got the cards taken away from them by the teacher but they would be returned at the end of the day.)
    I am not above bribery ... I've promised our all-time-classic bribe, Reese's Peanut Butter cups, to difficult child for any # of things. By the time he gets to school, he's generally forgotten what made him so mad so he does fine, but he'll remember the "prize" when he gets home!
    I'm not sure what to do about the hardline teacher. Is she doing the old fashioned school marm thing, slapping her palm with-the ruler and walking back and forth between the desks?
    I'm sorry, I don't recall the original note about her.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Get the accommodations before he transfers. We did this and this is how: Call your Dept. of Public Education and ask for the advocate for Special Needs children. Your child needs an aid, including on the bus and should probably be in public school where she is ENTITLED to interventions. Don't allow them to bully you, just go over their heads. Get what you need for the little guy. It is not worth fighting with him every morning. I can tell you, from one who knows, that long bus ride is nice. The kids are out earlier (and with an aid on board, you know he's safe) and he's home later (ditto). You have more "me" time, and your son can get more help in public school, but you have to put on your armour and fight. Don't be afraid of the school. The dept of Public Education will call them on your behalf. (((Hugs)))