difficult child stays true to form

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Feb 25, 2012.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child still is manipulative and it drives me crazy. Her car won't start again. This happened about a month ago and we paid $200 and the car repair shop couldn't find anything wrong except the floorboard had gotten soaking wet and they think the wiring system was shorting out until it dried out because it suddenly started working again after a few days when it dried out.

    difficult child had locked herself out of the car a while back and taken something and tried to force the door open which left a large gap so the door doesn't shut tight which lets water in when it rains. We told her to put a towel or something in the gap to keep water from getting in which of course she didn't do and it rained hard again last night.

    Fast forward to this morning. I had called her last night to tell her that I had sent her resume in to a salon and the owner emailed back almost immediately that he had called her number and left a voicemail and that he wanted her to call him back. She, of course, did not answer her phone.

    I called her this morning and she answered with saying that she was about to call the salon. She called back and said that she had an interview on Tuesday and that her car won't start again. I told her that she would have to wait until tomorrow for us to deal with this. She asked if I had plans today and I just said that I was going to give up my Saturday to run down there to help her since she didn't listen to us about the car. She came back that she had gotten up early and gotten dressed so she could go job hunting today. I said she had all last week so that was not my concern. It had also come out that she really hadn't gone to the salons yesterday that she said she did (the ones close to her interview),

    Well, she called back almost immediately to tell us another salon had called and wants her to come to a group interview on Sunday evening. I found that rather strange and told her so but still said things would have to wait until tomorrow.

    A few minutes later, she called to say that the first salon owner had called back and wanted her to come in today for an interview. Yeah, right. At this point I realized that she is getting desperate to have a working car today and she was using the only thing that would get us to consider bringing her husband's truck. So I offered to drive down, pick her up, drive her to the salon, and then drop her off at the halfway house.

    She scathingly texted back that it would look ridiculous to have her "mommy" bring her to an interview and she would just tell him that she did not have working transportation and that I had lost her another job.

    difficult child may be sober but it hasn't changed her basic personality. She still will do anything to get what she wants and doesn't own up to her problems. It makes me sick.

  2. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Kathy. Hugs to you. But kudos to you for realizing she was trying to manipulate you. When will our difficult children ever realize we aren't dumb!
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You did right by offering to drive her there. It flushed her out. Grrrrr. The hardest thing to realize is that even when they get sober they still are difficult children. I hoped getting sober would fix everything but soon realized it doesn't.

    I'm sorry she is still manipulating you.

    Just an aside difficult children car leaked water in for years and rotted the floorboards and rusted the wiring.

  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sorry she tanked. It seemed like she had found some real motivation lately. Oh well, her loss...again. on the other hand I am genuinely sorry that you had to face her habitiual Teflon coating for taking responsibility...honestly. Sending hugs. DDD
  5. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Kathy, i am so sorry. Just when you think it is better...

    Flushing them out....great phrase Nancy.

    I bought difficult child a brand new car when he turned 16. I never dreamed i would do that but, i had been diagnosed with a serious illness, life threatening, I was struggling, praying to get better. I wanted him to have some joy and selfishly, i wanted to see that too.

    After the DUI, when I brought the car home, I was disgusted. I hadn't been in it in a few months. Absolutely filthy...beyond words. I asked him to get the trash out...three times. He left items everytime. Made me nauseased to do so. I need to go clean it out because i bet i will be selling it as soon as difficult child turns 19 and i can get him off insurance. I dread cleaning it out. Maybe a nice spring day, good music and a friend on the phone while I do?

    I never had anyone help me. Everything i have I got alone. Cannot imagine treating a gift like this.

    They just dont get it. The only hope i see is through working a 12 step program every single day.

    Thinking of you Kathy.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Shoot you mean my difficult children manipulating and lying ways wont change when he gets sober? Darn it!!!

    Kathy I am sorry she is doing this but good for you for recognizing it. I am glad you offered to driver he and as Nancy said flushed her out...What she thinks you are going to go into the interview with her!!!
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child called back a little while ago and surprise ~ she was "able to change the interview back to Tuesday" and asked why I was so upset with her. I told her that I was tired of her behavior and asked if she had ever heard of a dry drunk. She asked what that was and I explained it and said that her behaviors haven't changed even if she is sober and told her that she needed to work on the twelve steps. She just said okay.

    That still leaves us with the car problem. I told her that maybe it would dry out overnight and start in the morning. My stomach is in knots again. I do believe that she has an interview on Tuesday since I was the one that sent the email and saw the email response.

    Meanwhile, easy child called me from Michigan to tell me that she is having a great visit with her high-achieving friends. It came at the wrong time as it drove home how disfunctional difficult child is compared to others her age.

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She is making baby steps Kathy. The fact that she called you back means she is thinking. It's hard to stay one step ahead of them all the time. She obviously wanted the car for something.

    We are having the same car issues. She has trashed the car completely and we just try to keep it in running order but everytime it breaks down we have to put more money into it. She needs transportation for work and its the one thing we agree to help with until she can save up.

    AG I remember cleaning her car out when we took it away from her and it made me sick. The trash and smells and dirt and burn holes in the seats and dents just were awful. I know what you are feeling seeing the car you bought him trashed. What a special gift you gave him and he didn't appreciate it.

  9. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Sorry Kathy...I sure hope nothing comes up to keep her from actually going to the interview now. You are such a good mom.
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, she called me back because she got scared that we weren't going to buy her groceries or cigarettes this week. The only positive I can think of is that she said that she shouldn't have said that I caused her to lose the job and that she didn't handle this well.

    I am sure that she had already made plans for today (which didn't include job hunting) and she was upset that her car wasn't working. When she realized that her chicanery wasn't going to work, she calmed down and started worrying about getting her food and cigarettes tomorrow hence the change in attitude.

    She still is "upset" that I don't believe she has changed. According to her, we should totally accept that she has changed and doesn't lie and steal anymore after 7 months. I told her that her behavior today shows us that we can't believe that she has changed. I also told her that it will take a lot longer than 7 months for me to trust her again. She didn't think that was "fair".

    Would someone just shoot me and put me out of my misery, please?

    Last edited: Feb 25, 2012
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know why she called back Kathy but she still called back and that's more than she would gave done a year ago. I know it's discouraging. My difficult child still does a lot of things that show she is very immature and I have to close my eyes. Remember the goal.....job. that's what my husband always told ne when I would get sick of her attitude.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    It is amazing to me how after all the lies and cons and stuff they have done that they expect us to trust them after a short time being sober... and gosh reality is we cant even know for sure they are sober!!! But they know they are doing better so they just think we should know it too.

    Anyway it is progress in that at least she called you back and was polite but yeah it would drive me nuts too.

    My son learned in wilderness years ago that you lose trust by miles and you gain it back by inches... or something like that. Of course he learned that then but has not applied that concept much as he expects us to instantly trust him too.... and it is going to take me a long long time to trust him and I am not sure I will ever be able to.

  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I like the lose trust in miles but gain it back in inches, I have to remember that.