difficult child stold her brothers car and crashed!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by exhausted, Mar 23, 2012.

  1. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I am beside myself. difficult child got home from work and was tired. I ran to the store. As I was coming out about 45 minutes later, my son calls and tells me difficult child has wrapped his precious antique suburban around a tree! She has no license. She has barely even driven! He happened to be coming down the street and she saw him and tried to turn off and lost control of the vehicle. She even tried to run from him. Someone had called the police and they got there just in time as I am sure my son would have come unglued on her. She is at the emergency room with her dad. She told the police she was ok so no ambulence was called. My son didn't know how as the steering wheel was split in half.

    She told me her friend called and said he was being jumped and please help him and she felt she had to go help him. OMG-no control, no thinking about her family. She told me if she gets locked up she will kill herself. She plays this da## card every time. They only sited her for failure to keep control of a vehicle and trying to flee. Why not theft or driving without a license? She just got a new job and likes it. She had stopped running away. She still doesn't follow the rules consistantly, smokes pot and refuses medications or counseling. But some things were better. I want to choke her I am soooooo mad. What will happen to this job if she after a week has to be home because she is injured? She is going to traffic court-will this be sent to her JJS judge? I am so thanksful she didn't hurt someone. I feel responsible-she is dangerous. What are we going to do? She has been in treatment for years. We can't afford more. I feel like it is time for her to go to jail for awhile. My poor son has been a victom over and over. What will get through to her? I hope she goes before her judge. I am out of hope that anything else will work but jail.
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh I am so sorry. When I say I know exactly what you are going through I really do. It was only last Saturday that difficult child smashed into another car and fled.

    I hate to say this but I feel like you do, jail is inevitable for our difficult child's because they are escalating their behavior and have no care about anyone else. You could have told the police she stole your son's car and they would probably charge her with that. I am sorry for your son, as I am sorry for my easy child daughter. They have suffered so much at the hands of their siblings.

    I too am glad she didn't hurt anyone, but I don't believe for a minute she was going to the aid of her friend. That seems to be the ready made excuse for a lot of our difficult child's. They think we won't be as mad if they were helping someone. NOT. I'm sorry exhausted, I really am. You and I are watching our difficult child's self destruct before our very eyes.

    Last edited: Mar 23, 2012
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry, exhausted. Can and would your son press charges? Your difficult child needs a wake-up call and maybe jail is it.

    As far as the manipulative suicide threats, my difficult child is the master at that. We finally got to the point where we would call 911 each time but the last time they told me that just threatening to kill herself was not against the law and they couldn't do anything about it.

    I hate to say it but at this point I just call her bluff. She hasn't done it in a while.

  4. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Thank you both. I know you are one of a very few who feel my pain. I am just shaking. My son just called and the hopital needed his insurance information. This isn't his fault and I know the insurance company will make him file theft charges. He was right there when the police came and they didn't even ask him! It was the same idiot police we dealt with over and over who told us we were tying up valuable resources when we called them. The one told us if we would have spanked her as a kid we wouldn't be having these problems! His supervisor told us we could cuff her to the bed at night and it would be legal! I am not even kidding!

    Even though we are dual covered by health insurance, we are going to get stuck with a huge emergency room bill on top of replacing my sons beloved car (if we even can find one). Our insuranc ewont pay because they will defer to the auto insurance who wont pay because it was theft! difficult child said she would give him every parcheck until his car was paid off-bull! She'll be lucky if she even has a job and if she doesn't get sent to jail. And my mom is in the hospital with a clot in her lung and so ill. That is another major stress as she is not right and uncooperative with all of us. I don't even know how I'm going to get through the next few days. Please pray for me!
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a sad club we are but at least we have each other.


  6. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Exhausted....sending prayers your way. So very sorry to have to deal with this on top of your Mom's illness.
  7. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Honey, I feel your pain too, I just am not as eloquent as others on this forum. Our difficult child 2 behaved this way for years. He is now married and has a job he loves. Things do get better as they mature and realize that their whole world is ahead of them. I'm hoping your daughter will get it soon.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry exhausted, I have no words to adequately express how much empathy and compassion I feel for you right now.......All I can do is send you prayers for peace and calm, hugs to keep you comforted while you attend to all of this, blessings that you know you are not alone, and hope that there is meaning in this struggle.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh Exhausted.... I am speechless. I feel so much for you and could totally have seen my son doing the same thing. He took our cars several times without permission....we got a call in the middle of the night one night because he was stopped driving late without a liscense (he had his permit) and we didn't even know he was gone!!!! So the scenario is so easy for me to imagine.

    I feel bad for your son (and you of course). I think once she turns 18 she will have to leave unless she can follow some rules.

    You are a great mom...... remember her behavior is not a reflection of your parenting!!!!

  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You've got my understanding sympathy. on the other hand I have to say that typical teen's do stuff like tht also. At fifteen and a total easy child I took my Mom's car and drove to Krispy Kreme in the middle of the day. At fifteen my easy child son took husband's car, crashed it into a house and then convinced his sixteen year old easy child sister to tell everyone she was driving since she had a license. Tht was 1955. and 1976. Just to round out the typical teen/car connection in 2012 our easy child GD in Texas took the parents car, picked up a friend and went to BK during the night.

    Obviously I'm not saying any of this is good stuff....but sometimes when we have difficult child's we lose track of typical teen choices that often are quite similar. Hoping this does not indicated heightened difficult child behavior. Hugs. DDD
  11. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh exhausted, I am so so sorry. And I ache for you and your easy child. I can handle the pain my difficult child causes me, but when I see the hurt he has caused his brothers I feel guilty for exposing them to the havoc.

    Right now, take care of yourself. Please support easy child on filing theft charges. He's lost his car, don't let him lose his insurance rates etc. let him see you stand up for him. Let the insurance co garnish difficult child's checks so he doesn't have to be a collection agent.

    I am so sorry for your anguish. I will pray for you and your mom . Take care of yourself & please stay in touch.

  12. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Thank you everybody. I hardly slept last night (surprize-I don't know how any of us get through the day so sleep deprived constantly). My son has to call his agent on Monday and we told him to do what ever they needed. She has to go to the justice court in 14 days. I don't even know if the information will get to her jjs judge-hope it will. I'm still mad at him for releasing her in Aug. after she almost completed suicide in the state Residential Treatment Center (RTC). She was in no shape to be released, but all he could say to us was, "What do you want, a magic bullet? I'll be seeing her in my courtroom again. Good luck." There was a stayed order to put her in secure care until age 21, we didn't want that we wanted treatment. How stupid were we? It seems that no treatment has really worked as she justifies her behavior and is delusional about it as well. The psychiatric hospital. doctor told us no more programs they are making her PTSD worse. So what then? Jail is the only safe thing I guess.

    You were right Kathy. Her friend that she supposedly went to rescue did not call her in distress...so he says. He's a difficult child as well but I don't think he was lying to me though. She takes advantage of him as well. He told me that they were not smoking pot together the last 2 weeks and trying to get their lives together. He got hired at the golden arches as well. Its true I have not seen her high in a few weeks but that doesn't mean anything. Everything that is said is just blah blah blah at this point!

    DDD-I could call it typical teen if she had a license at all but we have been explicit about the whole driving thing. We have told her under no circumstance would we sign at this point for her to get driver training or a license because she has not been sober and doesn't show any impulse control. What she did was so far out of the realm of lawfullness. She has driven on back roads in the country maybe 2 times-no experience. Even driving the mile she drove in our neighborhood is scary because she had to drive a busy road in an old vehicle with no power steering! I don't know it just seems so gfgish.

    She is bruised up and has some nasty abrasions. They ran a ct scan on her chest as it was so bruised and exrays on her knee. Nothing broken. But that emergency room bill is going to be well over 5 grand. We will end up paying it as my son's liability will not cover it because it was theft and ours wont cover it because of the liability. I'm stinkin mad!

    Tomorrow is my birthday and I just don't even want to celebrate with this and my mom so sick. What a pitifull mess. I just want my normal and peaceful life back.
  13. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    You're right about the medical insurance backing out if it is a motor-vehicle accident. The driver's suto insurance is supposed to cover all their medical bills (of course, the driver is also supposed to have a driver's license and be driving their OWN car....or at least, be driving with permission).

    I am so sorry that you are your son are the one's that are going to be stuck paying for all this!

    And I am surprised that she was not charged with driving without a license. Are more charges pending? or is that it?
  14. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    Exhausted: I am so, so sorry about the crisis that you have with your difficult child. Please remember that you are a great mother, and her actions are NOT YOUR FAULT. You and your h have tried to help your difficult child for years, and she is making her own choices now.

    You are so strong to be able to deal with all of this mess all the time. I know how impossible it can seem at times to raise a difficult child, but you are dealing with your difficult child one day at a time and that is all that anyone can expect. I will pray for your family, and I am sending my best wishes for a calm week-end. Please try to enjoy some quiet time on your birthday, because you really do deserve it! Really!! HUGS....
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    Your poor son. I would urge him to file theft charges regardless of whether the insurance co requires it. A lot of our kids won't learn anything except the hard way. Surely she knows you can check her phone records and verify the call if you choose too. She needs a major wakeup call, and jail is about the onlly thing you haven't tried. That and throwing her out.

    I am sorry the police did not charge her with more - they were derelict in their duties. Have you thought about reporting the officer to the chief of police for NOT arresting her for grand theft auto and for driving without a license, and for not checkng her for drugs? It really sounds like you have a super lazy officer. Letting kids off the hook for things like this just puts them and others into more danger, esp when a deadly weapon like a car is involved.

    Those are just ideas. I am sorry she is so reckless and gfgish. I am also sorry about your mom.
  16. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    difficult child slept until 1:00 yesterday. When she got up her dad was home from his secomd job and we had a talk. I don't know why because it gets nowhere, but we felt she needed to here us. When we asked her if she felt any remorse she said yes, I told my brother how sorry I was. She said we expect her to show her feeling in a certain way and just because she doesn't do it our way doesn't mean she doesn't have any feelings. She told me in tears that she would never be the 6 year old little girl I wanted her to be. She expressed that despite all the treatment she never felt good inside-that the antidepressants just were a legal knumbing pill and made her want to hurt someone or herself. You think the things I do are to hurt you but they are to hurt myself! She said I am never going to get better and why don't you just give up? Get rid of me and stop trying to love me! You only love me because you have to. I'll be gone soon and I wont need your permission for anything.

    So there you have it. The nowhere, hopeless conversations we have. How much is truth and how much is manipulation? Despite her injuries she dressed and took off. She went to her other friends house (her gay friend) and did not come home last night. I actually got a few hours sleep.

    I am going to buy myself some new spring clothes and go to dinner with my son and husband. I hope she stays gone until then! She has sabotaged almost every holiday and birthday for years-I just don't know if it is on purpose or what.
  17. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not



    This sounds pretty much like the conversations we have here, too. You don't love me! I can't do anything right! I'm a big failure...and now that X has happened, I just wanna die.

    And then when the conversation is over? It's Bye! See you later! I'm going out to do exactly what I want....

    I feel like it IS manipulation - to a point. She knows that this kind of response will get you to back off. But I also think that she probably doesn't know a better response. It does not occur to her to take personal responsibility. To offer to make things right for you or her brother in any meaningful way. She feels that her pathetic, tearful I'm sorry should be MORE than enough - and if you expect more than that then YOU are the one with a problem.

    So sorry...
  18. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My difficult child has said many of the same things, I am not trying to hurt you I'm trying to hurt myself, I'm never going to be different, just leave me alone, don't try to change me, you don't really love me, I don't blame you for hating me, I do feel bad inside I just don't show it, I'll be gone from your life soon, yadda yadda yadda.husband use to say that she was tormented inside. I have my doubts about that and sometimes thought she just wants to do what feels good at the moment without regard to whatis right or wrong or who it hurts.

    I don't know how you deal with someone like that because obviously I didn't do a good job.And both mine an dyour difficult child has been through years of therapy and that hasn't helped so I don't think there is help. People use to say she woud change as she matured. I knew in my heart it would only get worse. It's just a shame we can't turn our feelings off as easily as they can, it would be so much easier to to worry about them every second of the day. If you or I had done what she did we would be so remorseful and wouldn't be able to face anyone, let alone get all dressed up to visit friends. It just shows you how differently they think.

    I hope you enjoy dinner with husband and easy child and that she stays away at least until you are back. It isn't fair what we are going through. We are good people who have done everything in our power to give our difficult child's the foundation they need to be good honorable people, and they behave in ways that is completely against what we believe.

  19. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    It is good to hear that other difficult children say these things because I often feel my chain is being yanked or that she is crazier than your normal crazy (which she kidda is by the way). Nancy, in no way have we earned this badge of missery (the karma people are soooo wrong, sorry!) I have heard many say they will grow out of it-mine did. Or I know someone who...... I have no evidence of this in my difficult child. She is actually getting worse over time when you think about her choices vs. her situations.

    I do worry about her ending up dead. Mine is a major risk taker and lives on the edge of self destruction. She has no regard for her life and openly says she wont live to see 25. I can't imagine many more years of this but death does scare me. I unfortunetly struggle all the time with the decisions I have made regarding her treatment and parenting her. I constantly have to reassure myself that I have done the best I could and put away the guilt. She often rubs the decisions we have made in our face and tries to tell us we made her worse. And then the next day she loves us and she is lucky. Isn't it sad when we so easily get on their roller coaster and let their drama and vicious words go to our heads? Maybe I am the only one, but I have to work at it daily. Thanks for the understanding :)
  20. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Passive aggressive attempts at manipulation. It's old and it's tiring and it pulls at the heartstrings. been there done that too. Same old song but with new characters, new excuses...ranks right up their with "it's not my fault because (someone else)" and "you just want to control me..."

    yada yada yada, deflect deflect deflect...they are masters. and I am sorry I am so down, not a good day.

    {hugs to us all}