difficult child talking about parties

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Feb 1, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I know almost every one of difficult child's friends have started smoking pot and drinking. Some a year or so ago. difficult child - HAS been very against it. Won't talk to the kids. Says they value a few hours of "high" over their life.

    But, Friday on the way home from school he and his friends were talking about a boys party Saturday. After the other boys had left I asked him if the parents would be home and if drugs and alcohol would be present.

    He said it was at his dads house and he didn't know if he would be home.
    Said YES, there would be drugs and alcohol. He said there are drugs and alcohol everywhere.

    He said everybody smokes pot (many take pills too). He said it is really tempting sometimes.

    I tried to praise him and tell him how proud I am that he is strong. Gave the proud of you speech.

    then he tells me how he doesn't have any friends. He talks to everyone at school. Seems to know everyone. They all wave and talk to him. But nobody ever calls. Because he does not party.

    I was so dreading Saturday rolling around. Not wanting him to go, but not wanting to punish him when he hasn't done anything. He decided he didn't want to go hang out with a bunch of "high drunken idiots".

    I KNOW the day is coming that he will be at a party. I KNOW so many of the kids do drugs. Almost every single one. Even the athletes.

    I find myself at a loss as to how to deal with this.

    Then he tells me he went to the bathroom at school one day last week and someone was getting high in there. Asked if he wanted a hit. he said no. As they walked out the school police officer walked in. difficult child got searched. Checked his eyes, made him move them around. (and he was afraid they would take his phone). Then searched the other. found the pot. difficult child got let go. I think a few others were involved too.

    I know he is a year younger than the kids in his grade. But how do I handle this?
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    It is so difficult to navigate high school without the temptation of drugs and alcohol. Many teens in my school are using frequently on weekends. I think you need to continue to praise his choice to stay clear of illegal substances without getting too preachy. It is good that he feels he can talk to you. Keep the lines of communication open. Provide social outlets that will not involve parties with peers that are unsupervised.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I don't know, but whatever you're doing is right!

    He's a gem.

    He doesn't have any friends? He doesn't NEED these friends!
    I have often told my kids that there are some people you don't want to be friends with. Osama bin Laden comes to mind.
    Then I'll name a few local people and why we don't get along. Not that we hate one another, just that we do not agree on some major issues.

    It is SO hard at that age.
    I would praise him and praise him.

    Also, I would keep him really busy. Sports, Boy Scouts, movies, you name it. Any- and everything to keep him out of the reach of those kids.

    Not everyone uses drugs. My kids don't. Their friends don't. But believe me, it's all around us.

    It's every parent's nightmare.
  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I wish difficult child could find someone who feels the same way he does.
    I try to get him to do things, but there isn't anyone to do them with.

    I just can't believe all the kids he says do drugs. Really? Does he really know that?

    With his anxiety issues and always worrying about dying, it would just not be a good mix.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I am willing to bet that just knowing you are very proud of him means a lot.

    I am the child of an alcoholic who also used to smoke like a chimney. By the time I reached high school I was SO sick of always being around cigarettes and beer--it was just repulsive to me. But then I reached a point in my social life where it seemed that the only way to be accepted by other kids was to "party".

    I actually used to pretend to be drinking or smoking just to fit in...

    And because the other kids at the party were wasted, nobody noticed that I actually wasn't participating in the smoking or drinking.

    To this day, I have never smoked, taken any drugs, and we only have alcohol in the house for company.

    Stick by your son...let him know that you trust him and that you are very proud of him....and let him know that just because it seems like everybody he knows is into "partying" right now, it won't always be that way.

    It sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders...I would think he'll be OK!

  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I would keep praising him, but not go overboard so as to make him uncomfortable. I might use his anxiety and fear of dying to help reinforce the message that drugs are bad and can kill you.

    Can you get him involved in Scouts, or in a church group that has social activities but no drugs? Those are usually 2 safe choices.

    In my high school and from what Wiz says of it now, the athletes used more drugs than anyone (Wiz goes to the same hs I went to).

    So far so good. Keep praising him and giving him what rewards you can. Therapy for the family will also help.
  7. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    It is really scary isn't it. My heart hurts when I look at his cell phone and see hundreds of contacts and no phone calls. I looked at his MySpace last night, several hundred friends, yet no phone calls. He is so into sports, he would of loved to have gone to a SuperBowl party, yet he wasn't invited. He never even got dressed yesterday.

    He DID show me a picture of the "hottest girl ever". She goes to his school. She is even shorter than he is. He said he is always around her at school. Why don't you go to the movies, or hang out or call her ?? He says, "Mom she is to CUTE to talk to"
    He said he does hang out with her and talk to her at school, but he could never call her. I asked what she does for fun. YOUTH GROUP !!! smile, smile. Not our specific church but I have no problem. Then he said that church has a really cool youth group director and he talks to him a lot online. Then tells me about another boy at school who he gets along with and enjoys his company. This boy asked him to go on a retreat with him and his church. So I told difficult child to GO. He says he can't because it is a different religion. My dad and all six kids in my family were one religion, my mom another. That was never ever an issue. Just happens to be the same to religions involved here. difficult child didn't know it would be ok. Then he said he needs to go to confession!!! What do you think for??

    So I felt good about our talk. Especially since he likes this girl so much and she is so smart and so cute, maybe he'll enjoy doing things with other kids.
  8. artana

    artana New Member

    I definitely would be proud of him. That is a lot of personal responsibility for him to take on his shoulders. I think what makes me sad is that he thinks he doesn't have friends because he doesn't party.
    I think children like him are so sensitive to being accepted. When they're not, they blame things on external things, like the party issue. It's hard to think that your personality is different enough that you just don't blend in well with the "normal" crowd.
    I know that I didn't feel like I belonged until I went to college. Suddenly, I understood what it was like to have friends.