difficult child "thing" or adoption "thing" or both

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Mar 4, 2010.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    difficult child has had a weird month or so.
    She's moving to new places even faster than previously. The only "positive" kinda sorta is that some of these moves were probably things that were either not her fault or she had little to do with. For example, she moved into a place that within one week, the toilet broke down and it turns out the landlord knew all along that there were major plumbing problems. Then, when the toilet stopped working, she asked us to give her $2000 to fix her plumbing problems. Hmmmm....perhaps a difficult child landlord too.

    Anyway.....my question....

    difficult child seems to get into many dilemmas simply 'cause she can't say no to folks. There are too many "far out" unbelievable/not to be believed stories to tell and it would just wretch my guts to tell them all. When we tell her to speak up for herself (some of these instances she is clearly being taken advantage of...ANYONE could see it), she'll say "I don't want to be a bxtch."

    Yet, difficult child has NO problems saying no to mom and dad and sometimes borders on being a real bxtch with us (although that NEVER gets her ANYWHERE with us.)

    So, your thoughts/experience....

    iIs this a total difficult child thing or does being adopted and possibly having some attachment stuff thrown into the mix have a little something to do with this problem of not being able to say no to people and allowing oneself to be taken advantage of??????

  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont know. I dont think that it has anything to do with being adopted. I think it is more to do with being fairly naive and wanting people to like her and not knowing how to put up boundaries so that she can weed out real friends from people who are only hanging out with her to get what they can get from her. That takes maturity and for some people it takes much longer than others.

    It took me forever and a day to learn that lesson and it seems to be taking Cory a long time as well. Jamie is a bit better but he still gets taken in on occasion. I would try to save the world. I cant tell you how many "strays" I dragged home with me. Tony and I even had to move out of an apartment in the middle of the night and leave one woman in the apartment because she simply wouldnt leave when we tried to get rid of her! Eventually I learned not to let folks move in with me but it took years and years. LOL.

    I think difficult child's tend to find one and other too.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I don't see it as an adoption issue either. Our kids have so few "real" friends that they will cling onto anyone who gives them the time of day.

    Us? We've proven over and over that we won't desert them so they don't feel the desperation to be nice to us as they do their peers.

  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Oh, that's good, Suz. I agree.

  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    What Suz said. Miss KT has difficulty standing up for herself...unless she's aiming at me of Hubby. Not so much these days, though (knock on wood), but it still happens.
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Yep...even though I see it, it's hard to believe.
    So few friends and desperate.
    difficult child is actually rarely "that way" with us. She has her moments where she tries...but pulls back fast.
    Also, I have detached to a large extent. AND when difficult child goes into that mode with me, the door shuts in all ways...including emotionally.
    It is scary when she gets herself in unsafe situations...but it is what it is.
  7. compassion

    compassion Member

    My difficult child is adopted but I see this more of a people pleasing/poor boundaries. We deal with simalar stuff almost daily. I practice detachment vigilantly to stay out of the drama, chaos,and crisis. I state my views when asked or I ask her if she wants to hear my input. The big boundary I have set is I will not bail her,rescue, or put up money for deposits, etc.etc. I can't reason with her. I tell her I love her, reinforce prosocial skills like working on high school classes, staying in budget for grocieries, not allowing her to thearten /blackmail me. It takes a lot of detachment and a lot of support not to get sucked into rescue mode.
    She due to her illness, etc. chooses very chaotic/marginal situations and I can't fix it.
    For months,she has been on this fantasy that they will find a house (no one has a job except one works at Taco Bell'one kid did work at a grocery but told them yesterday through other friends tht he did not want to do it, move in with them because none had money). This seems so obvious to me but somehow she/they thinkthey "deserve" this huge house without a job. Luxklily, I am not enabling. I buy her groceries and give her money so that she is medication adherent. Compassion
  8. Empathetic hugs Nomad!!!!!!!!!

    You raise a valid question... adoption is not to blame for the situation at all, but it can be a "common thread" regarding the behaviors and attitudes that concern you.

    The behaviors you describe could possibly be linked to symptoms of an attachment disorder... and attachment disorders are more common among people who have been adopted.

    There are adopted people without attachment disorders.

    Those behaviors can also be as the other awesome parents have described as "poor boundaries" and "immaturity."

    Sadly, the scenario you describe is very familiar to me.

    Our difficult child-daughter was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder just after we finalized adoption. She exhibits the same kinds of very concerning behavior. Those behaviors are included in a long list of symptoms for her mental illness.

    It has been explained to us that the "cause and effect thinking" part of her brain was damaged because she was drug/alcohol exposed in-utero and she didn't have the opportunity to properly bond with a caregiver that continuously cared for her.

    It was concerning when our difficult child-daughter would walk off with complete strangers at playgrounds as a 7 year old.

    It is concerning that as a 21 year old she gets herself in equally as dangerous situations. Unfortunately at 21 she is no longer closely supervised by someone to "bring her back" from the dangerous situations she creates herself or walks willingly into.

    Hang in there!!!!!

  9. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    All of the responses resonate with me.
    The immaturity, the attachment issues, the low self esteem, the desperate desire for a friend, the lack of boundaries, etc.
    This concept of little to no ability to recognize cause and effect is sooooo interesting and sadly, so familiar.
    I see it with most, if not all, difficult children.
    For some reason, it somehow sometimes seems a tad more pronounced in difficult children who are adopted.
    Sometimes I think it is a combination of mental illness combined with emotional/attachment issues. A double whammy.
    Thank you so much for these responses and for the caring words.
    As you all know...watching these things repeatedly can get draining. We do our best to detach...but we are human and have our moments.
    p.s. I do not know if it will get us anywhere, but I have written her benefits person at the disability office and asked that arrangements be made to send difficult child a weekly caseworker. I'm also contacting an another agency in town next week. difficult child says she refuses to let one in the house...who knows how this will go...
    Lasted edited by : Mar 5, 2010