He's so quick. husband was making a birthday dinner for Daughter 8 now 9. Uncle called, husband put the phone on the counter. We had dinner. Between dinner and cake, husband had difficult child carry dishes into the kitchen. He carried two loads, I carried one, and in just that much time he slipped the cellphone down the disposal. husband didn't notice until later when he was helping difficult child clean up, but the water had been running for a half hour and the sink was filled with waste. This is the sixth phone difficult child has ruined. The night before difficult child snuck a steak knife up to his room and slashed his screen. husband remembered a couple hours after difficult child went to bed that he hadn't frisked him going upstairs. Actually, husband had been very slack on that for about a week, but that night he had a gut feeling he should have, and it turns out he was right. husband found the knife under the mattress. I think he slashed the screen and went out wandering in the middle of the night. husband told him to write a hundred word essay on why he did it. difficult child wrote I didn't do it, over and over. He's imperturbable. I didn't do it. How could I do it? I didn't do it. None of that's my problem, but it's different. difficult child has never been argumentative and openly defiant before. I wonder if it's the lexapro. SOmething else. After school he unloads the dishwasher and loads the breakfast dishes. He doesn't like doing it, but what kid does. So he does it passive aggressively by doing a bad job, his specialty is putting away dirty dishes and insisting on shoving the nasty dishrags under the sink instead of the laundry hamper. So lots of kids are onery that way, right? Today I noticed he was putting away a dirty dish. "That's dirty." He said, "Awesome." Not unsual for a kid to talk back, or be a smart aleck, right? But I am filled with disquiet. He's never talked back before. I know 12 and half year old kids do that, he's the fourth one I've lived with. But it seems so ominous and chilling to me. Rational or not, I'm starting to be afraid of him. I used to be afraid of his look, he has this look sometimes, not angry, not bored, not sullen or surly, not that infamous look of death teens are so good at, difficult child or normal. He's got another look, it's cold, flat, measuring, waiting, unwavering, and filled with hatred. When he gets that look on his face, he doesn't look like a child any more, doesn't even look like himself, his face isn't round and freckle faced. It's sharp and angular. I never saw it on any other kid no matter how angry and hateful they were being. I never saw it on my enraged alcoholic exhusband's face--and he'd get himself so worked up that once when he was arrested for kicking in my door after our divorce, he had to be maced twice, handcuffed and ducted taped and it took seven officers to get him in the squad car. difficult child's look seems to say, I'm just waiting to grow a little stronger and then I'm going to kill you. I feel sick and intensely anxious right now (he just gave me the 'awesome' about 20 minutes ago). I tell myself it's all in my head. But the truth is, I'm starting to be afraid of him. A couple months ago I told husband that within a year husband will not be able to leave him alone with me or daughter. husband told the psychiatrist that he thinks daughter 8 is afraid of difficult child. I was surprised. I know he hasn't done anything really to her, just once or twice said a couple nasty things, usually he tries to stay on her good side so she will do things for him that would get him into trouble. Altho we watch him so carefully he doesn't get many private conversations with her. But today she told me he's been questioning her about her MPV player. She got it for Xmas 2007 and lost it at Cedar Point last summer. Why's he questioning her about it? It bothers me because he steals her things, he's stolen her DS three times and she just got a new one last night. He's stolen her watch, her schoolbooks, her watches, her dollars, her kiddie laptop... I think he's trying to think of something else to take from her, we guard everything, but you can't always, ALWAYS be vigilent, sometimes you have to blink. I'm just rambling. I'm anxious and scared. I don't like living like this. I sense that I have about a year left and then I'm going to have to tell husband that I can't be alone with difficult child. I'm not exactly scared of him yet, but I can see the day coming when I might be.