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Difficult Child Update - "In Your Face Mom"
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 651431" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I agree with what everybody else said here. You are entitled to your sense of relief, so claim it, own in, and enjoy it. It is normal not to want to live in the land of complete chaos and drama. I have gotten to where I actually detest drama of any kind. </p><p></p><p>I remember feeling very relieved every time my son was in jail. Sometimes I pinched myself because that feeling and the thoughts that went along with it were so surreal but finally I learned to lean into the feeling, and to enjoy it. </p><p></p><p>I never would have thought any of this, but WearyMom, we are where we are and we cannot be anywhere else but right here. So let's find a way to live, regardless. And let's live the best we can. </p><p></p><p></p><p>I think this is a great way to define detachment. It does feel cold at first, but in time, it feels right, as we practice it more and more and we "get" that this is their life and their choices, and there isn't truly one single thing we did to cause it or allow it or encourage it. Like Al-Anon says: The Three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Addiction takes them over. Mental illness takes them over. And if untreated, it's in charge. The person we knew is I don't know where. But it's all about them, and what they want, and we are simply a conduit for getting what they want. Do they still love us? Yes, I believe they do, as much as they are capable of. It's not personal. We have to grow to understand that. It's not personal. Their addiction is running rampant and it's in charge, and it says: get all you can the easiest way you can. And guess who that is? Us. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You know what, Shan? I have done that too. We are merely human. There is only so much we can take. I have gotten in my son's face and screamed at the top of my lungs things like this: Well, if you don't know, who does? You are a drug addict and you have to have help? You are destroying your life. On and on.</p><p></p><p>I forgive myself all of that. I did the best I could, and at that moment, it was the best I could do. There were times when I felt like I was literally crazy. I was heartbroken, grief-stricken, filled with fear, anger, despair, hopelessness, incredible worry and pain. I knew he was going to die, and I thought that even maybe that would be better than who knows what was happening whereever he was and whatever he was doing. I awfulized (Al-Anon word) everything. I went to the nth degree with all of my thoughts. </p><p></p><p>So when I blew, I blew big. Am I proud of that today? Well, I have compassion for that person who said and did those things. And I have forgiveness for myself.</p><p></p><p>Today, I have much healthier boundaries with my son, but I have to work on them constantly. Today, he texted me to tell me about all of the problems he is having with his apartment (water leaking, mold growing everywhere, etc.). He is trying to get the landlord to do something...etc. I listened, and then I started giving advice. What??? Haven't I learned anything? The point is, we have to work do very hard every day to get to a healthier place and then to stay there, and we aren't perfect. We are going to fall off the wagon. </p><p></p><p>The question is: How do we handle ourselves when we do? We can't have compassion and forgiveness for anybody else until we give it first to ourselves. Shan, try to give it to yourself today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 651431, member: 17542"] I agree with what everybody else said here. You are entitled to your sense of relief, so claim it, own in, and enjoy it. It is normal not to want to live in the land of complete chaos and drama. I have gotten to where I actually detest drama of any kind. I remember feeling very relieved every time my son was in jail. Sometimes I pinched myself because that feeling and the thoughts that went along with it were so surreal but finally I learned to lean into the feeling, and to enjoy it. I never would have thought any of this, but WearyMom, we are where we are and we cannot be anywhere else but right here. So let's find a way to live, regardless. And let's live the best we can. I think this is a great way to define detachment. It does feel cold at first, but in time, it feels right, as we practice it more and more and we "get" that this is their life and their choices, and there isn't truly one single thing we did to cause it or allow it or encourage it. Like Al-Anon says: The Three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Addiction takes them over. Mental illness takes them over. And if untreated, it's in charge. The person we knew is I don't know where. But it's all about them, and what they want, and we are simply a conduit for getting what they want. Do they still love us? Yes, I believe they do, as much as they are capable of. It's not personal. We have to grow to understand that. It's not personal. Their addiction is running rampant and it's in charge, and it says: get all you can the easiest way you can. And guess who that is? Us. You know what, Shan? I have done that too. We are merely human. There is only so much we can take. I have gotten in my son's face and screamed at the top of my lungs things like this: Well, if you don't know, who does? You are a drug addict and you have to have help? You are destroying your life. On and on. I forgive myself all of that. I did the best I could, and at that moment, it was the best I could do. There were times when I felt like I was literally crazy. I was heartbroken, grief-stricken, filled with fear, anger, despair, hopelessness, incredible worry and pain. I knew he was going to die, and I thought that even maybe that would be better than who knows what was happening whereever he was and whatever he was doing. I awfulized (Al-Anon word) everything. I went to the nth degree with all of my thoughts. So when I blew, I blew big. Am I proud of that today? Well, I have compassion for that person who said and did those things. And I have forgiveness for myself. Today, I have much healthier boundaries with my son, but I have to work on them constantly. Today, he texted me to tell me about all of the problems he is having with his apartment (water leaking, mold growing everywhere, etc.). He is trying to get the landlord to do something...etc. I listened, and then I started giving advice. What??? Haven't I learned anything? The point is, we have to work do very hard every day to get to a healthier place and then to stay there, and we aren't perfect. We are going to fall off the wagon. The question is: How do we handle ourselves when we do? We can't have compassion and forgiveness for anybody else until we give it first to ourselves. Shan, try to give it to yourself today. [/QUOTE]
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