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Difficult Child Update - "In Your Face Mom"
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 651874" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>It does get easier with time. And sometimes better, at least for us.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter's choices only impact you if you let them. You don't have to allow her lifestyle to impact yours. You don't have to pay the bail, pay the rent (yikes! If my kid had a racist for a boyfriend, I wouldn't pay a dime until that was over), and we don't have to angst over it endlessly (this is a real trick to learn, but it can be done). We don't have to give advice that won't be taken. We don't have to make our child's life a part of our own if they live against our values. I am beyond thinking that we can make that big an impact on our adult kids. I'm beginning to think it is 90% genetic. In our house, we never had one drink or cigarette or recreational drugs and yet I had a daughter who abused drugs. Was that because of us? I logically don't think so. It was more about her inside workings...she was insecure and very shy and drugs gave her status in school (sadly), boyfriends, and made it easier for her to socialize.Since she has quit (yes, it can happen) we have talked it over a lot. She doesn't think anything would have changed her path as she hated being shy and left out, but didn't know any other way to fit in. She is adopted so she has none of our DNA. I ask myself, I wonder what her birthmoter was like. Bet she was a rebel with a temper, but very smart and creative and she did what was best in her country for her daughter. So my daughter maybe inherited her spunk and her smarts...</p><p></p><p>I tend to get off track.</p><p></p><p>We gave all of our children opportunity and nobody can take that gift away from them. They know how to behave. They know the right way to live that leads to our particular brand of progress. They could have had a college education and a step up. But when they turn into adults, then what they know...well, it is just like this forum. "Take what you like, and leave the rest." They may know how to achieve in our society because we showed them and gave them every chance. But we can't make them embrace what WE feel is achievement. We can't make them grateful for what we have sacrificed for them. We can't change the wiring in their brains or their DNA. We can just be there if they seem to want or need us and are open to listening to us. We don't help them by rescuing them. We don't help them by becoming their bank only.</p><p></p><p>But we all did our best and we can all be proud of the parents that we were. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink, so to speak...</p><p></p><p>Celebrate your effort!!!! Then work on living the life you deserve, free of taking care of your adult kids anymore. You already did that and they do know how to act. It's up to them. It's up to us to learn how to cope with a difficult adult child and move on with our own life's story.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 651874, member: 1550"] It does get easier with time. And sometimes better, at least for us. Your daughter's choices only impact you if you let them. You don't have to allow her lifestyle to impact yours. You don't have to pay the bail, pay the rent (yikes! If my kid had a racist for a boyfriend, I wouldn't pay a dime until that was over), and we don't have to angst over it endlessly (this is a real trick to learn, but it can be done). We don't have to give advice that won't be taken. We don't have to make our child's life a part of our own if they live against our values. I am beyond thinking that we can make that big an impact on our adult kids. I'm beginning to think it is 90% genetic. In our house, we never had one drink or cigarette or recreational drugs and yet I had a daughter who abused drugs. Was that because of us? I logically don't think so. It was more about her inside workings...she was insecure and very shy and drugs gave her status in school (sadly), boyfriends, and made it easier for her to socialize.Since she has quit (yes, it can happen) we have talked it over a lot. She doesn't think anything would have changed her path as she hated being shy and left out, but didn't know any other way to fit in. She is adopted so she has none of our DNA. I ask myself, I wonder what her birthmoter was like. Bet she was a rebel with a temper, but very smart and creative and she did what was best in her country for her daughter. So my daughter maybe inherited her spunk and her smarts... I tend to get off track. We gave all of our children opportunity and nobody can take that gift away from them. They know how to behave. They know the right way to live that leads to our particular brand of progress. They could have had a college education and a step up. But when they turn into adults, then what they know...well, it is just like this forum. "Take what you like, and leave the rest." They may know how to achieve in our society because we showed them and gave them every chance. But we can't make them embrace what WE feel is achievement. We can't make them grateful for what we have sacrificed for them. We can't change the wiring in their brains or their DNA. We can just be there if they seem to want or need us and are open to listening to us. We don't help them by rescuing them. We don't help them by becoming their bank only. But we all did our best and we can all be proud of the parents that we were. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink, so to speak... Celebrate your effort!!!! Then work on living the life you deserve, free of taking care of your adult kids anymore. You already did that and they do know how to act. It's up to them. It's up to us to learn how to cope with a difficult adult child and move on with our own life's story. [/QUOTE]
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